Remaining Tom Keen

Monster. That's what she had called him. She had spent weeks thinking it, and even though he had managed to convince her that the box wasn't his, the word stung deeply.

It shouldn't have, and he knew that. If the word had come from anyone else it wouldn't have phased him in the slightest, but it didn't. It had come from his wife. Liz, that he had risked his life for, had defied one of the most dangerous men in the world for, and had eventually nearly been murdered for. Not that she knew anything but the last part. She had no idea what Jacob Phelps had done for her because she didn't know that Jacob Phelps even existed. Now she never would.

It had been absurd, he knew that now, the idea that she would ever know the real him. Hell, he wasn't even sure he knew the real Jacob with as many masks as he'd worn over the years, but if he were ever going to take the time to figure it out, he wanted it to be with her.

Now it was clear that that would be impossible. She'd caught just a glimpse of Jacob and had investigated him and had been ready to turn him over to the FBI. She hated Jacob. There was no way that he could ever tell her now.

So he would remain Tom. He had always known there was a chance that this was his last role. He'd married the woman and she loved him. It wasn't all a lie. The most important pieces of himself - the parts of him that loved Liz more than anything - he shared with Tom. Tom was a good guy with a wife that he was ready to build a family with. Jacob could have done worse.

"Babe?"

He startled out of his thoughts at the sound of Liz's voice. "Hmm?"

"You just looked a little lost," she said as she moved closer. She was dressed for work now, their Saturday together shot down by one phone call.

"Just thinking," he answered quietly. Everything felt off and he really did need to shake it. It had always been far fetched that he would tell her everything. It shouldn't be a hard blow to realize that he couldn't.

Liz moved forward and wrapped her arms around him. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't go if I didn't have to."

"I know."

"I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't. I'm fine."

Liz cracked a smile and tipped up on her toes to press a kiss against his lips. "You are such a bad liar. I'll give you a call as soon as I can. Dinner?"

"Sure," he answered and offered a smile of his own. "Love you."

Her expression brightened and she kissed him again. "I don't want to go."

"Work calls," he answered begrudgingly.

"All the time. Love you too."

He watched her leave, his smile fading only after she was gone. He loosed a long breath, feeling the situation weigh heavily. Dwelling on it wasn't going to fix anything. It would just make it worse. Maybe Liz was on to something, he thought as his gaze drifted around the dining room he'd nearly died in. Maybe some change would help reset things. They had repainted her apartment before she had moved in with him in Rochester. Surely he could at least get started on it. It would be a distraction, and it'd be worth the smile it's pull from Liz. That smile, even in the darkest moments, made it worth it. It made him want to remain Tom Keen, if for nothing else, than to stay by her side.

Notes: Once we learned what we have about Jacob's past, that scene in their dining room has just sort of broken my heart. He looks so pained when she's talking. To Liz, she's telling him she trusts him, she loves him, and that she's sorry, but to him, she's just confirming that if he were to ever be honest with her that she would hate him. I really do think he wanted to tell her at one point and then felt like he couldn't. In the same way, I think he was totally okay with being Tom Keen until the day he died. If he had to settle for one mask, that was the one he was most comfortable in.