Thanks for nothing...
I should have known. Known that when she whispered sweet nothings into my ear and said "You are the only girl for me… And always will be…" She didn't mean 'Hey! Let's be a lesbian couple for life! My image and I can handle that! Shit! We can handle that! 'Cos I love you and the other way around!'
No. It wasn't that. Though I fooled myself to believe that. I wanted to believe that. Wanted to believe that she that night in the Burrow, kissed me back after I told her, how I felt, that it was because she truly felt that way about me, too. That she just wasn't sure of how I'd take it.
Also, when she said "Let's keep it a secret…" It was for our own good. That we'd both be better off that way, not have to answer difficult questions, not having to defend the way we lived, lusted, or thought. Just letting us have an advantage. The advantage of secrecy. We could slip unnoticed by her brothers on a moonlit night, just telling them we would study the stars. Only accompanied by a blanket and Fred and Georges 'Sound Mufflers' -That often were used.
And by God, I loved that kind of studying, especially with her. It might not have been the stars we studied, but biology and sex ed, those two got to count for something.
I know now she only wanted one thing. The thrill of being with another girl. I know she liked the way I touched her. The way that a guy would never get. A guy would just wave the thought of being gentle, on just the right amount of skin away. But she adored it.
I'm supposed to be a smart witch. But I'm not. Not when it comes to her.
I suppose I had an idea that she wasn't treating me as well as she should have., but I shrugged it off, thinking she had a lot on her mind. She did. Harry.
I guess, I always knew. She refused to let me hold her hand in public, even when we were alone, she wasn't comfortable with it. When I asked why, she shrugged and said her hands were kind of sweaty. I took that excuse. The kisses were only sweet and loveable, when she wanted something. I was once talked into doing a essay for her. After she had worked the right spots, and kissed, snogged and done what I liked to do.
She wanted sex, the thrill of the 'forbidden' love, I on the other side wanted affection, to be loved, and just for her to admit who she really was.
Aside from that, she was kind of sweet, loveable maybe even affectionate when we were alone, but in public, I was air to her. I came to wonder if she'd always been that way with me?
No. A voice in my head told me. No.
It was almost momentarily after I told her I loved her. But why? Maybe it was so she wouldn't feel as guilty using me. Don't know. I'll probably never know. Maybe I don't want to know either?
Hard to tell.
Then finally, after a little more than two months. She cornered me, I thought she wanted a bit of fun, like she so often did. So I went along, we walked to the old potions classroom. There was a foul smell of old potions, maybe dropped on the floor, and none bothered to clean it up maybe. It wasn't important. The smell was just so sweet it was sickening. She told me to sit down. I did, and she looked so uncomfortable. She started saying that she really did love me (a thing she'd never said throughout our entire relationship) but it wasn't working out. I wanted to scream. To tell her, that I'd,- We'd, try harder, WE could get through everything! But I remained silent, making her explain why.
She told me Harry finally had asked her out, and that she felt the whole 'being gay thing' was just getting kind of old. I didn't understand what she meant at the time.
( Kind of reminded me of the My Chemical Romance song: It's not a fashion statement, it's a fucking death wish? )
As she explained more and more about that 'good things doesn't last forever, the smell got more and more to my head, making me feel sick, all I could think of, at that point was that it wasn't fair, wasn't meant to be, (even though I'll refuse to admit, I believe in destiny, that rubbish…) Was, that this, must be the most ironic thing that ever happened to me. I felt as if I was going to throw up, and then I simply… Fainted.
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Three days after
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I woke up, Ron lying in my bed, and I knew I was at the hospital, and that I felt weak. Ron stirred, and woke up, bit by bit.
We talked about nothing the first couple of minutes, trying to ignore the elephant in the room.
Finally he started "It was Ginny who found you, she was a mess, worried sick about you, you know. She really cares for you."
I had to give a mock laugh at that, though he didn't get why. "'Mione, this… made me realize that we aren't invulnerable. And that I- that I love you." He moved in and kissed me. I didn't like him that way, and I doubt I ever had. But I didn't say anything back, or dismiss him. I just told him I was flattered, but I couldn't think straight, at the moment.
He tried to change the subject, but it ended with him muttering, "Ginny.. She said I should tell you. She kind of… got me into it…"
Thanks… for nothing.