In the Now

She rolled over in the bed, a little short of breath and feeling much better than she had when she had gotten there. They laid there for a long moment, both catching their breaths, and she felt him move next to her, propping himself up on his elbow, and for half a moment, Liz thought they were about to go for another round.

Tom's kiss was gentle this time though, lingering and just a little more hesitant than it had been before. In that moment she felt the fear and the uncertainty that lingered there, and a part of her felt guilty. She pulled him down so that he was nearly on top of her, but he pulled back, his eyes dark and he gave her a smalls mile. "I love you," he whispered, laying down next to her and leaning in, pressing a kiss to her bare shoulder.

"Mm," Liz answered softly and she heard him laugh, wrapping an arm around her middle.

"I'm not expecting you to say it back, Lizzie. You don't have to."

"But you did propose," she pointed out, regretting it as soon as she had.

"I needed you to know I wasn't going anywhere." He paused, chuckling a little to himself. "Okay, maybe I should have found a less intense way to say it?"

"Maybe so."

"We can take this as fast or slow as you need. Up to you. I just… I'm all in, Lizzie."

"You've said that. The last time we did this, and the time before that, and the time before that," she teased, her hands drifting down his chest and along his ribcage. She felt him jerk a little when she hit a spot she knew he was ticklish in and she felt a real smile pull at her lips. She had gone to him the day after she was released. The paperwork was going to take time and she wouldn't be needed at the Post Office for a few days is what Cooper had told her, so she had sought him out and found him on his boat like he'd been waiting for her. He hadn't called, he hadn't pushed, but somehow, when she'd only meant to tell him thank you for helping to save her life, she'd found herself wrapped up in his arms by the end of it. While she'd love to blame him for it entirely, she knew it was just as much her fault for it as his, and she was secretly happy to take the blame.

Her ex husband smiled and pushed himself up onto his forearms so that he could look her in the eye. "Well, I know that words may not mean as much, so I want to make sure you know I'm being honest."

"Mm," she answered again and laid back against the pillows beneath her.

"You know that, right?" he asked softly, his voice causing her to open her eyes again. He was really was worried. It was the same tone, the same kiss, the same everything that they shared after a major fight when they'd been married. It was that hint that he was terrified. She'd never realized it was real until that moment.

"I know, Tom."

He snorted a little and fell back against the pillows next to her and it was her turn to prop herself up. "What?" she demanded. "Can't we just… I don't know, just enjoy this? Do we have to make it complicated?"

"It is complicated," he said quietly.

"It doesn't have to be." She leaned in, her hands against his skin. "Who says it has to be?"

"Because this isn't all it is," Tom whispered and she saw the torn look he was wearing. "Liz, I've done this. Countless times. I've played so many parts I couldn't tell you how many."

"With women?"

"Yeah, a lot."

She blinked, resisting the urge to ask him how many. She didn't think she wanted to know.

"My point," he said as he nuzzled a little closer to her, "is that I love you. You're different. I want you to be different."

"Tom…"

He breathed out a short laugh, his hand finding hers under the sheets. "Come away with me?" he breathed, kissing her forehead.

Liz looked up at him. "What?" she managed, the word escaping as a laugh.

"Come away with me. I left the first time because my handler has a price on my head, Liz. I… it's dangerous to stay in one place too long when the place is DC. He knows you're here. He knows this is a place he can find me."

"What will he do if he finds you?"

Tom shrugged noncommittally and Liz watched as he retreated back behind an unreadable expression. She leaned in, pressing a kiss to his lips and he melted into it. "Kill me," he admitted when they parted. "He'd probably kill me."

She swallowed hard. "Tom, I don't want to be the reason you get hurt…."

He grinned at her, kissing the tip of her nose, and he sounded like he was trying to backtrack to make her feel better. "It's okay. He hasn't found me yet. He's slacking or he's hired idiots to come after me. Either way, we have time. I can lose them if they find me anyway."

"But you'll need to go eventually?"

"I'll have to do something," he admitted after a moment.

"Maybe we could… I don't know, I could talk to Ressler. Maybe the task force could go after your handler."

Tom shook his head, his expression darkening. "No, that's a bad idea."

"Why?"

"It just is."

"You keep saying you want me to get to know you," she said, "but I can't if you shut down every time something comes up like this." She propped herself up, leaning over him so that she could feel his breath. She had promised herself she wouldn't do this. Asking him too much about his past, his problems… that didn't lead anywhere good. It meant she was getting in too deep and it would hurt more if she ended up having to take off. She needed to protect herself. That's what she had learned these last few months. She needed to protect herself from the heartache and the pain that loving Tom brought with him, but he was there, lying in bed with her, and his expression was so willing. Like he wanted to tell her anything she wanted to know. Like he wanted to be the husband that he couldn't be before.

Tom swallowed hard. "Bud raised me."

"Is he like your dad?"

"I don't know. I never had one of those."

"But you wanted to be one?" There she went again. Liz kicked herself mentally. She needed to stop with the probing and real questions. She needed to kiss him again. If she kissed him he'd forget about the serious conversation and they could roll around in the sheets a little more before she had to go. That was all they could be, wasn't it? She could never have the fantasy with the husband and child and the life she had always dreamt of, even if she really wanted to. Not with him, and now that everything had happened, she feared not with anyone. She had to put the brakes on it before it was his hand holding the theoretical child's other one and before she started wondering just what sort of father he could be.

"More than I ever knew," he breathed, leaning close to her. "Adopting… I don't know, there was something about giving a kid the chance I never had. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before."

Liz found herself scowling, pushing away from him. "Well don't tell me now," she grumbled and saw the confusion cross his features.

"Why?"

"Because it's too late for that."

"Maybe not. Lizzie, we can go. Just once more, let's start over. You and me. It'll be my last time, I swear to you. You and me. That's all we need. That's all I want. What about you?"

Liz felt her chest constrict and his hands were on her, pulling her closer and as his arms wrapped around her she felt safe. She felt chosen. "I want…. you," she whispered, feeling the emotions bubble to a boiling point and she pressed her forehead against his chest, her arms wrapped around him and her fingers touching the scars on his back.

"You want to know something crazy?" he murmured and pressed a kiss to her hair.

"What's that?"

"Even with everyone after me, with everything that's happened? Here. Right now. I feel… peace. Some kind of peace. Like maybe we can be safe. I'm not… trying to sway you, Liz. I want you to come away with me. I want to be safe, but I'm willing to fight to be here with you too. It's your decision."

Liz smiled and tightened her hold. "I don't know yet, Tom."

"Take all the time you need."

"You'll be here?"

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Good," she whispered, pressing a kiss to him.

His fingers worked their way through her dyed hair and she felt herself drifting. It would kill him if she told him forever again and changed her mind. She didn't know that she wouldn't. She didn't dare risk it yet. Not until she knew what was happening, but she knew, despite her best efforts, that this was more than just a quick stop off. This was more than a stress relief. She cared deeply for the man that was lying next to her. More than she knew how to express. What that meant, time would tell, but for now, at least she knew that, even if she wouldn't admit it to him out loud. People like them had to live for the now and maybe, just maybe, they'd get tomorrow too. She hoped they would.

Notes: So, if you follow me on Tumblr you know that I had a bit of an issue with the Keen2 scene in last Thursday's episode. It felt rushed and a bit like Liz was just there for one thing, so I started thinking about it. My final conclusion was that they must have seen each other other times before the one we saw, but after she was released from federal custody. Otherwise her first words back to him were 'we need to go on your boat', and as a Keen2 fan I just don't think I can handle that. :-/