Setting: Sometime between 3.11 and 3.12

Secrets and Nightmares

He was tossing and turning, and his restlessness woke her from a dreamless sleep. Liz turned on her side to see where her ex-husband was curled up tightly, eyes squeezed shut in the darkness, and brows drawn closely together. He looked like he was fighting off some unseen enemy in his nightmares, and Liz wasn't sure he was winning. She shifted, hoping the movement might wake him, but when it didn't she bit at her bottom lip and reached out tentatively. "Tom?"

Dark blue eyes flew open and he jolted up in her bed, his breathing coming in gasps. He leaned forward, bracing himself against his bent knees, and Liz sat up slowly, reaching out to touch his shoulder carefully. "You okay?"

"Just a dream," he managed, swallowing hard and running a hand through his dark hair in a motion that had always indicated discomfort.

Liz cringed a little and pulled in a deep breath, uncertain on how she should react or even feel. She had always been the one with the nightmares when they had been married, waking to flames and terror, and he had been there to wrap his arms around her and hold her close, easing her back to reality. Then had come the realization that he wasn't who he had pretended to be, and then, after all the pain and the hate, there was the knowledge that maybe there was more true than she had realized. They had just been inching closer to that acknowledgement when the Cabal had framed her and she had gone on the run, so everything had been put on hold in a sort of limbo. Now, though, things had settled out as much as they could and she still wasn't sure exactly where they stood. They hadn't put a label on it. She was carrying his child and hadn't even told him, and he…. He was the man she'd always loved. That much she knew, even if she wasn't always the best at showing it.

Carefully her fingers touched the fabric of his t-shirt and she scooted a little closer, feeling him lean into her as she wrapped an arm around him, just as he had done for her so many times when the nightmares were too much. He looked so worn down, so exhausted by whatever demon he had been fighting, and she pressed a kiss to his shoulder. "You want to talk about it?"

"You don't want to hear about it," he murmured and pulled away.

She blinked, a little surprise at the distance she suddenly felt. If she were honest, that was her habit, not his. Tom wanted to talk about everything, but here he was moving away from her, and he laid back down on his side of the bed, back facing her and curled into his pillow. Liz frowned in the dark and inched closer. If the tables had been turned, he wouldn't let her shut him out so easily. He would have been there for her, no matter what, and while she wasn't sure she knew exactly what he needed, she knew she had to try to find out. She scooted so that she was lying just behind him, more on his side of the bed than hers, and curled one arm around his waist. Unexpectedly, he tensed under her touch and slipped away from her, standing. "I just need some air."

Liz watched him move silently from the bedroom and waited a moment before slipping out from her side and following. Something about the situation made her a little more worried than she wanted to admit. She grabbed her robe and pulled it around her shoulders, slipping her feet into her slippers and grabbing the keys to lock the front door behind her as she followed him down the stairs and to the space outside the building. Tom was standing just outside the building's entrance, his feet bare, and he was lighting a cigarette with trembling hands. He turned to look at her with wide eyes after just a moment, as if he had never expected her to follow him down. "I didn't know you smoked. I guess I'll add that to the list of new things learned," she murmured, but it came out as more of a grumble even as he stooped to run the lit side end of it across the concrete, putting it out completely before tossing it into the garbage bin along the sidewalk.

"Sorry. I thought you-"

"Wouldn't find out?"

Tom cringed. "I'm a stress smoker," he confessed. "I just... needed to calm down. Maybe I should have just gone for a jog."

"Maybe you should talk to me?" Liz offered, taking a step closer and reaching for his hand, purposefully ignoring the smell of nicotine on his fingers as she brought his knuckles up to her lips. She could remind him that she preferred him alive later. Now was not the time to lecture on that particular subject. Her gaze flickered to meet his and he looked torn. "You're always there for me. Let me return the favour just once?"

"It's not a favour, Liz," he said defensively, the walls going back up. "I'm there because I love you. I haven't asked for anything in return."

"I never said that you did. I just… Talk to me, Tom. Please? You're always pushing me to talk, but you can't when it's something real? How are we supposed to build anything real again if you don't trust me?"

"Is that what we're doing?" her ex snapped. She stiffened and he immediately cringed. "I'm sorry. Listen, I'm tired and that dream… it put me on edge. I'm really sorry. It's not you. Just go on back in and go back to sleep. I'll be back up in a little bit."

She watched him turn and move to take a heavy seat on the bench in front of the apartment building, ready to face whatever terrors had filled his nightmares alone. Liz pulled in a deep breath and felt more stubborn than usual as she joined him. "No," she said as she sat down, tucking her arm under his and lacing her fingers through his own, leaning in close. "If you don't want to talk, fine, but I'm not leaving you alone."

Tom snorted softly. "Why?"

"Because I care about you, you idiot," she grumbled. She risked a look over to him, her dyed hair falling a little in her eyes. "You know that, right?"

He gave her a shrug and refused to meet her eyes. Carefully Liz reached around, her free hand touching his cheek and bringing him in closer to her until he was close enough for her to lean up, pressing a kiss to his lips. Tom started to relax then, melting into it, and she felt his free hand snake around to the back of her head, fingers buried in her hair as he kissed her back. They remained like that for a long moment, fit so perfectly together, before they finally had to part to breathe. Neither of them moved very far, one of his hands still clutched in hers and her other playing with the edges of his dark hair. "I know," she said softly, forcing the words from her lips, "that I keep things close. I always have, and I know that especially these days, you're more nervous about reading into things the wrong way." She saw him flinch a little at the words, the analysis hitting close. "But I do care about you, Tom. I… I love you. I can't always express exactly what I want to say or how to say it, but I do know that much."

A slow, hesitant smile tilted his lips. "I love you too," he whispered. "So much, Liz. I…"

"Then talk to me?"

"You might not feel that way about me if you knew."

The words, very honest and so afraid, tumbled from his lips and she tilted her head a little, bracing herself. "I've done a lot too, and when I tried to warn you, you told me you didn't care what I'd done because you know me. That goes two ways. I know you." Her hand slid down, laying flat against his chest. "I know who you are behind all the masks and the lies you put on for everyone else. Please tell me what happened."

"It's something… I had to do to get Karakurt," he answered roughly.

"What?"

"Please, Liz, it's on me. If you know…"

"Are you afraid I'll feel guilty because you did it for me or are you afraid I'll be angry?"

"Both?" he managed smalley.

She nodded and squeezed his hand. "Tell me."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"I found this guy that could get me into the group that was hiding Karakurt. Nice guy. He just… fell in with the wrong crowd. Things went sideways and-"

"He got hurt?"

"He died."

Liz cringed. "Tom, that's…. That doesn't mean it's your fault."

"It was. I killed him," he answered thickly. "It was him or me and I made a choice. I've never…." He stopped, brows drawing together and she felt his grip tighten in hers. "I've never felt bad about it before. I mean, the harbormaster… I didn't want you to take the fall. I felt bad for you, but not really for him... "

"There's a disconnect," Liz murmured the bit of knowledge she had held onto for a while now. It made sense with his line of work. If he went around making meaningful emotional connections with every person - or even just some of the people - that he was supposed to be fooling, he would have been terrible at his job. She had understood for some time now that she was the exception to the norm, and as she sat and spoke with him now, she was starting to understand that that was why he had so much trouble wrapping his mind around it.

"Yeah. It's always been there." He looked over, meeting her eyes. "Just not with you."

She tried for a smile. "You obviously feel guilty about this now or it wouldn't have woken you up like that."

"I guess. I guess that's what it is." He swallowed hard. "I tried to stop it, Liz, but it was him or me. I had to get Karakurt out of there or we'd have never been able to clear your name. I had to-"

"You don't have to convince me, Tom," Liz said quietly.

His gaze fell to the sidewalk at their feet and she let go of his hand long enough to wrap both arms around him, pulling him in. "I don't know what all you've been through or what… what about us changed you, but we've both changed a lot. My hands aren't clean either, but I did what I had to do to protect the people I love."

He leaned into her. "I love you."

"I know you do. That I believe, even after everything."

He nodded and she felt a slight tremor run through him. "Come on, babe. Let's go upstairs before we both catch a cold."

Tom sat up slowly, gaze finally coming to meet hers. "You haven't called me that in a long time."

"Yeah, well…" she answer awkwardly and kissed his rough cheek. "Bed. I'll be there if the nightmares come back."

He nodded and stood, following her back into the building and up the stairs silently. She couldn't make his nightmares go away. Somehow he had to come to terms with what he'd done for himself. Liz didn't know the whole story, but in some twisted way it sounded like progress for him. The guilt, as terrible as it felt, meant that his soul wasn't so marred by whatever his upbringing had done to him that he was incapable of feeling compassion for others around him. If she had to hazard a guess, knowing him as she did, he had spent so long pushing those sorts of emotions down that they were far quieter than most people would have felt them. He wasn't a psychopath able to do anything to get to his goal. He was damaged, certainly, but she didn't have any room to judge in that.

"Liz?" her ex husband murmured as she shut and locked the door behind them. "I'll tell you anything you want to know. I'll do my best."

She offered him a smile. "One step at a time," she answered and took his hand again, leading him back to the bedroom. She would find a way to tell him that she was going to have their baby, just as soon as she figured out what she was going to do about it. She didn't dare tell him just to decide to give the baby up after he'd set his heart on having a child with her. She didn't think she could break him in that way, not when things were just starting to smooth over between them both. Not when she was so sure that she loved him too.

Notes: I really wish that the show would give us a chance to look into a quiet conversation between them about Jacob's struggle to connect. It's something that utterly fascinates me and I'd really like to know more about it from his own view and definitely from Liz's, being that she has the training to see certain things now that she has a baseline to work from.