Waking from the Nightmare
He had no idea when he'd dozed off. Somewhere between bottles, diaper changes, and a late afternoon call he hadn't been expecting from a local high school that was interested in a resume that he'd sent in what seemed like a lifetime ago, Tom had sat down for what he had thought was just a few moments and found himself jerking awake at the sound of a knock on the door. His eyes popped open and he was halfway to his feet before he realized what it had been, and he swayed a little where he stood, the back of his legs pressed against the couch for balance. The knock came again and he glanced anxiously towards the room where Agnes was sleeping, hoping that it hadn't woken her too. When there was no sound he loosed a sigh and started for the door.
Tom wasn't expecting anyone, and while there hadn't been even a hint of danger in the last three months since Liz's death - or a hint of catching Solomon or the people behind her death - he looked out the peephole before opening up the door anyway. Cooper dropped by from time to time, sometimes with take out or something from Charlene, who he swore he was just going to see to pick up what she sent, though Tom was pretty sure he protested a little too much for it to actually be true. There had been one or two instances of the other task force members, the ones that didn't know him nearly as well, stopping in with an awkward sort of excuse. It was meant as a kindness, he knew, but as exhausted as he was right then he didn't think he could handle anyone. The person he saw through the small hole in the door surprised him though.
"Should I be worried?" Tom asked as he tugged the door open to see Kate Kaplan standing on his doorstep. Usually her presence meant there was a body needing to be disposed of or something of that nature. He had told Reddington - and kept telling him - that his daughter's safety was his first priority and that he didn't feel comfortable in letting the Concierge of Crime in on Agnes' life when his presence had, however inadvertently, caused Liz hers.
"I'm not here for Raymond," Kaplan said as she stepped inside the apartment without invite.
Tom blinked at her. "Sure, come on in."
The bespeckled woman surveyed the apartment with a careful eye, leaving Tom feeling a little judged with the expression that settled on her face. "You've been stretched thin, haven't you?"
"I'm a single dad. What did you expect?" Tom moved past her and started scooping up toys and a few other miscellaneous bits from the floor to put them in some semblance of order. Hudson trotted into the room and sat down to watch the exchange, yawning loudly.
"And sleeping on the couch?"
He swallowed hard, glancing at the blanket tossed over the back of the couch and the pillow that was dented in the shape of his head like he'd been sleeping on it. When he slept, anyway. It was amazing how Agnes seemed to sleep away the day and up at all hours of the night. The crib had been in his and Liz's room, ready and waiting, the day of their wedding and he had left it in there to give her a quiet place to sleep while he tried to keep everything else afloat by himself. He had tried to sleep in the bed one of the first nights back, but had woken both himself and his daughter with Liz's name on his lips and a nightmare chasing him back to consciousness in a painful way. Agnes had wailed for nearly an hour and it had been all Tom could do to focus himself into some kind of calm to settle her down, rocking her late into the night and making sure she was sound asleep again before letting himself break down alone in the livingroom.
"Sometimes," he said at last, wondering if Kaplan was always this nosy or if she reserved it for men that pissed off her employer. "What do you need from me? I have a list of things I need to get done this evening."
"Evening?" she echoed. "It's nearly ten o'clock at night, dearie."
"And yet you knocked on my door with a three-month-old sleeping," he grumbled.
Mr Kaplan looked at him, her eyes narrowed as if she were weighing a decision back and forth. "This couldn't wait. Get some things together for Agnes and take the dog out. You may be a while."
Tom straightened, squaring his shoulders. "I'm not going anywhere."
"You'll want to come with me. Take him down and point me towards her things. I'll put them together so that we can leave as soon as you-"
"You think I'm leaving you alone with her?" he snapped, taking a step between Reddington's trusted employee and his daughter sleeping peacefully in the room he'd shared with Liz. He had been waiting for something to happen. Raymond Reddington didn't just sit idly by and let other people make decisions he didn't agree with.
Kaplan bristled. "I'm not here to take your child from you, Tom."
"Then what are you here for? What does Reddington want?"
She shook her head, turned, and scooped up the leash off the counter to hand it to him. "The dog. Take him out and I'll get Agnes' things. You're going to have to trust me on this that it is in yours and your child's best interest to come with me." She paused and looked him straight in the eye. "Raymond doesn't know I'm here."
He stared for a long moment and she shoved the leash into his hands. Hudson was already dancing at the door and he swallowed hard, numb fingers working the leash to hook it onto his collar. He turned to look at her, not caring that his expression was as open and pained as he knew it was. "That's my little girl, Kaplan. She's… she's all I have in this world. Please…."
"She'll be right here when you get back in."
Tom swallowed hard, feeling a lump in his throat and indecision weighed on him. Kaplan didn't stand there to wait on him, but instead started into the room. He took a deep breath and scooted out the door as quickly as he could. There was only one way out and he would see her if she tried to leave, but he flew down the stairs anyway, taking them almost faster than Hudson could follow, and barely let the poor dog do his business before getting back up to the apartment again. Mr Kaplan was there, a small bag put together and set by the door.
"Do you have a carseat for her?"
"Yeah. The carrier's over there. Listen, before I take her anywhere-"
"You're not driving, dearie. You look like you've had a handful hours' sleep in the last week. Newborns will do that to you, especially on your own. Get her in and I'm driving."
"Where?"
She shot him a look at Tom pushed a long breath through his nose. "Listen, I'm not just some idiot you can push around, okay? I'm not taking my daughter into something dangerous just on your sayso. You have to give me something more than what you have before we're going with you."
Kaplan closed her eyes for a long moment and Tom saw the tells of stress beyond what she prefered to show etched into her face. "Elizabeth left something for you and Agnes. Raymond doesn't know about it and that's why I'm here at this hour. She wanted you to know, but this is time sensitive. I can't force you to go, but… it's what she wanted."
Tom stared at the woman for a long moment, feeling his emotions waver dangerously. He had barely been able to trust himself with them lately. He had never been devastated over anything in his life until Lizzie, and she seemed to be the only one that could pull that from him. He had a feeling that Agnes would be able to as well, if anything ever happened to her. That fear lingered with him, but as he watched the woman and for the life of him he couldn't read a lie in any of her movements. Finally he sighed, nodding. If he were with Agnes, nothing would happen to her. He just wouldn't let go of his little girl.
They didn't speak as Tom scooped her out of the crib and pulled her close. She snuggled in close to him and he got her dressed and pressed a kiss to her forehead before getting her strapped into the carrier and following Kaplan down the stairs. She directed him to a car and the entire time he fought with himself on if he should take the next step or not. The woman worked for Reddington, and there was no reason that he should believe her, yet his usual built-in radar for detecting even the best of lies wasn't picking up a damn thing from her. She was either one of the best that he had ever come across or he was more off-kilter than he realized. He was desperate for it not to be the latter.
He sat in the back with Agnes, keeping a careful eye on where they were going. The woman was driving like she was making sure they wouldn't be followed, and every now and again Tom found himself looking back to make sure they weren't. The streets were empty by the time they circled around to a little neighborhood. Kaplan pulled the car up alongside the curb and killed the engine.
Agnes must have sensed her father's unease because the little girl started shifting and fussing. Carefully he took her out of the seat and into his arms, hands that could and had done so much in the life he'd lived before very gentle with her there, and she latched onto one of his fingers and wouldn't let go, blue eyes lulling again and she was quickly back to sleep.
"You're good with her," Kaplan said.
"She's my little girl," Tom answered, as if that made the fact that he was good with her an automatic truth. He knew it wasn't. He had so few memories of the only biological parent he'd known and none of them were good. He'd been afraid, truth be told, that his experience would leave him absolutely clueless on how to love a pure little thing like Agnes. He'd proven himself clueless on a lot of things since she was born, but never on loving her.
He followed Kaplan up to the townhouse that reminded him a little of the one he and Liz had shared while they had been married the first time. He shifted Agnes who didn't wake again and followed Kaplan in.
There were security cameras inside and out of the door, and a man Tom didn't recognize on the other side. Kaplan nodded to him as they passed. "Are you ready to tell me what's going on?" he hissed.
"Show you, yes," she answered. She motioned down the hall and glanced behind her. "Why don't you hand me Agnes?"
Tom snorted. "Going to have someone put a bullet in my head?"
"You have very deep trust issues," Kaplan said blandly and held her arms out for his daughter. "Any personal feelings either Raymond or any of the rest of us had towards you became irrelevant the moment you became the father of Elizabeth's child. There is nothing on the other side of that door that will take you from her."
He nodded slowly, feeling an odd sense of dread sweep through him. He pressed a kiss to the top of Agnes' head and handed her to Mr Kaplan. She stirred and blinked her eyes open to look at him, but didn't fuss this time. "I'll be right back, baby girl," he promised.
Kaplan offered him a small nod before balancing Agnes in one arm and reaching for the door and taping her knuckles against it and pushing the door open. "You have visitors, dear."
"I told you that if it's not my family I don't… care…."
Tom stood in the open doorway, his brain struggling to process the voice he knew so well. Then Kaplan stepped to the side and he felt his knees threaten to give way under his own weight at the sight of the only woman he'd ever loved. He sagged against the doorframe heavily, blue eyes trained on her and taking in every familiar feature. Her hair was a little longer, her face a little thinner, and she was sitting up in the bed with a book in her lap and a scowl slowly fading from her face as his name left her lips on a breath and she threw back the covers, ignoring Kaplan's small protest that she stay in bed.
He didn't dare move as Liz crossed the distance between them. He had had enough dreams that quickly shifted into nightmares since she had died and any sudden, hopeful movements on his part would spiral him into that. She paused just shy of him, her attention torn between him and Agnes who was still in Kaplan's arms, Liz gave a short laugh that halted halfway through to make way for a choked sob. "You're really here. Both of you are…. She's so big!"
Tom was still leaning hard on the doorframe, staring at her and trying to decide if he should risk shattering what he was certain was an illusion as the woman he loved, the woman that had died, reached out for their child. Without even realizing he was moving he lifted a hand to her face, his fingers ghosting across her cheek before touching her dark hair. It pulled her attention towards him and her expression turned worried as she shifted Agnes in her arms. "Tom?"
He swallowed hard and cleared his throat. "It's gotta be a dream," he managed, the words still sticking halfway through. "I know it does, but… I've missed you so much."
She leaned into his touch and Agnes reached out from him in Liz's arms. He leaned down and kissed her, pulling a giggle from his daughter, and Liz stepped closer as he straightened. "Just a second," she murmured and moved over to the bed, pushing back the blankets for a flat surface that she could settle Agnes on without worrying she would roll into something or off the bed. Tom glanced back to see Kaplan had slipped out of the room, closing the door behind her. He stood near it, still feeling shaky and uncertain, and watched the two people he loved most. None of the dreams had ever felt quite like this or had lasted as long as this one had without dissolving into a nightmare.
Liz got Agnes settled and turned, padding across the carpet and over to him. Her expression was even, though there was so much life in her eyes at the moment. So much more than in most of his dreams. She reached up, one hand on either side of his face, and pulled him closer to her. Tom felt his eyes flutter closed as her lips pressed against his, familiar and warm, one of her hands moving to the back of his neck as either of his came up to bury his fingers in her hair. She pulled him closer, her free hand moving down so that it was pressed against his chest, his heart hammering hard. If this was a dream, he didn't want to wake up.
They broke, but didn't move away from each other. The stood there in the small room, their foreheads touching as they leaned in together and he could feel her warm breath as she spoke softly. "Still think you're dreaming?"
Tom loosed a shuddering breath, feeling like the floor might tilt dangerously under him again. "You were dead, Lizzie. We buried you. Your team carried the casket out of the church. You.." He was losing control quickly, and he felt his chest tighten, choking the words as they tumbled from him. "Three months. You've been dead three months."
The guilt that flashed through her eyes did nothing to help ease his own pain. "I'm sorry. I'm… if I'd known, I swear I would have told you. We said no more secrets, and I meant it as much as you did." She leaned in, her arms wrapping around his middle and she pressed her cheek to his chest. "I'm so sorry, Tom. I never meant to hurt you."
He pulled a breath in that he hoped would steady him and pressed a kiss to her hair, holding her close. This wasn't a dream. Maybe this wasn't a dream. "Don't be sorry," he breathed. "You're safe. Never be sorry for that."
A short laugh escaped her and she tightened her hold on him. "You're thinner. You haven't been taking care of yourself," she murmured.
"I've been a little focused on taking care of that one," Tom chuckled, nodding towards Agnes who was watching them quietly from her place on the bed.
"She a handful?"
"Worth every second of it."
Liz's smile was soft and it sent a kind of warmth rushing through him that he hadn't thought he could feel again. He loved Agnes more than life, but there was a sadness that he couldn't shake in the wake of Liz's death. He did his best to keep it from his little girl, but it weighed on him.
"You're not in this alone," she murmured, taking his hand. "I told Kate that if she couldn't get you guys here that I was going to you."
"Stubborn," he teased quietly and she smiled.
"Makes two of us, doesn't it?" She tipped up on her toes, pressing another kiss to his lips. "Mr Kaplan's bound to have something for Agnes to sleep in safely. I'll check with her. It's getting kind of late," she murmured and looked up at him, catching his gaze. Tom felt her sliding from his arms and he caught her wrist, unable to let it go. He pulled her hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to it. "I'll be right back," she swore, touching his rough cheek with her free hand. "Promise."
He nodded numbly, finally forcing himself to release her. She offered him a smile, and as the door closed behind her he wondered if maybe it weren't a dream as much as him finally hitting his breaking point. He sighed and moved over to the bed where Agnes had started to cry. He scooped her up and held her close, rocking her and humming softly something he'd found out very quickly settled her. Her eyes lulled and he walked her back and forth across the length of the room, stopping halfway across as the door opened behind him.
"Look at her," Liz murmured as she crossed the room, a man behind her with a small bassinet. "She's perfect. She really is." There was a sadness in her voice and her smile as she brushed at tuffs of hair. "I missed so much time already."
"You're here now. That's what matters."
Liz gave a small smile. "You finally convinced you're awake?"
"I will be in the morning if I wake up with you right here." He moved to ease Agnes into the little bassinet. "You're not coming home tomorrow, are you?" he asked, hating that he couldn't keep the disappointment from his voice.
"We have to find out who hired Solomon," Liz said softly. "If it were just you and me, we could fight it, but she's…. I won't risk her, Tom. It's not fair."
"I know," he murmured. "We'll get him, Lizzie. Whoever it is. We'll get them and then you can come home."
"They won't know what hit them," she agreed, and he knew that tone. She wouldn't stop until she had them. Apparently not even death could stop her.
A smirk slowly tilted her lips as she looked at him. "What?"
A real, honest smile pulled at him and she laughed in his ear as he pulled her close, kissing her. "We'll have you home in no time and then-"
"Beach?" she teased. "I could use a beach trip."
"Anywhere you want to go, babe."
Her hand fit into his and she pulled him towards the bed. "It's late, and you look like you haven't slept in a while."
"You know I don't sleep well without you," he answered, his voice rough with the emotions rushing through him.
"You don't have to," Liz promised.
Tom let her pull him into the bed and he toed his shoes off before crawling in with her, feeling her scoot close and wrap an arm around him. "I love you," she murmured, nestling in closer. "I've missed you."
"You were asleep for most of it," he huffed, a smile still resting on his features.
"Doesn't mean I didn't miss you."
He pressed a kiss to her head, fingers working their way through her dark hair. "We missed you too. Both of us. Let's not focus on that, huh? We're here right now. You're here and you're safe." It was more than he had thought he could ever hope for again.
"And I'll be here when you wake up," she promised.
Tom nodded, feeling himself start to drift. He had barely slept a handful of hours together since he had lost her, but no matter how exhausted he was he hadn't felt the sense of peace wash over him like it was now. They weren't done. They were far from being done, but for the first time in three months he knew he didn't need to face it alone.
Notes: I'm wavering terribly on my theory here. Not so much that Kaplan faked Liz's death, but who all was in on it. I'm 99% sure Kaplan and Nik were, but the ones I don't know about are Tom and Liz. I think if Liz is is in on it that Tom would be as well. It would make sense that Kate told them when she spoke to them privately and gave them the option. It's also possible that Kate and Nik took it into their own hands. I started edging a little closer to the possibility that the Keens were in on it halfway through writing this, but decided I wanted to go with my original theory for it (that they didn't know). I will say that if Tom was brought into it, I don't think that he knew if she was alive or dead when Red delivered the news at the end. I think he was terrified that he'd really lost her and no one has contacted him to tell him differently.