Too Far

Setting: Between 1.17 & 1.18

The room was silent, the only sound against it was the soft intake and exhale of breath from the two people that lay wrapped up in the sheets of their bed, a gulf stretching between them that, while not necessarily visible, weighed heavily on the man that lay awake on his side of the bed. His wife was sleeping, her bare back to him, and he found himself wanting nothing more than to reach out to her. He wanted to trace every line, memorize every freckle more than he had already in their over two years of marriage that they'd been through together. He wanted hear her laugh, see her smile, and feel safe and at peace as she wrapped her arms around him, loving him more than he'd ever been loved before. He wanted to return that and to give her everything he had. In his own way, he had tried, but that evening, struggling to hold on to what they had, he had let it go too far.

Tom shifted a little, a long breath escaping him as he watched Liz sleep. It had seemed like a good idea when he had gone with it. Craig had been convinced that she was trying to play him, that she knew he was more than he pretended to be. Even though he had assured his "brother" that there was no way that she could, he'd have been a fool not to see the possible signs.

It had been the safe thing to do, he'd convinced himself. She had no idea what they were up against. Berlin, Reddington, and even Bud would be a danger to her, and if he didn't take the necessary precautions and he found himself behind bars - or worse - because she thought he was some monster there to hurt her, then there would be no way to protect her. He had needed to know, he'd told himself. He needed answers to know how to move forward. It was the best play. He was sure that if she knew, she never would have gone to bed with him in that moment that he asked her to. She would have come up with an excuse or - and a small part of him had really hoped for it - she would have confronted him and everything would have come out. Maybe, just maybe, she would give him a chance to explain. To tell her how much he really loved her and how much she had changed him. To tell her the truth.

She hadn't turned him down though, and they had moved up the stairs towards their bedroom like they had both expected he other to put the brakes on the situation at any moment. Neither had, though, and even as clothes fell away and kisses were exchanged it was like they were just going through the motions. It was cold and it was distant. Their marriage that had never lacked passion, but that evening as they had fallen into bed together, it was like she was someone else entirely, and if he were honest, Tom felt as if he were too.

Liz shifted in her sleep and turned so that he could see her face. The tenseness that had lingered for the last few days had washed away some in sleep in the way that it simply wouldn't while they were awake. He, on the other hand, felt a tightness work its way inside of him, starting in his chest so that it made it difficult to breathe and working its way deep into his gut, making him feel just a little nauseated. Tom swallowed hard against it, trying to gain control of emotions that were threatening to spiral wildly out of control. He couldn't pinpoint them, not exactly, but there was no denying the tidal wave that threaten to wash over him as he stared at her face, shadows and light playing out across her features as he watched her.

Dark blue eyes squeezed shut for a moment, trying to find some semblance of control. This was stupid. He was a trained professional. Regardless of his reasons for being there, it wasn't like he had never used sex to get to the bottom of a potentially difficult situation. Sex made things simple for him. It took the emotions out of it, or at least it always had before her. Apparently he couldn't even rely on that when he needed it anymore. Liz really had changed everything.

Guilt, he realized as his eyes slipped open slowly. That raw, painful, gut-churning feeling that was ripping at him was guilt. It wasn't something he was accustomed to, not even with all the lies between he and the woman that he loved, but in that moment he felt like he was drowning in it. He'd let it go too far.

She stirred, blue eyes fluttering open and she looked at him. He didn't move, didn't even dare breathe, as he watched her in the dark. She was only barely awake, and if he didn't say anything, there was a fair chance that she would just turn over, close her eyes, and drift right back off without every realizing. His luck seemed to be running out. "What?" she asked drowsily, gaze meeting his.

Tom tried for a smile, but even he knew he'd failed at it. "Nothing. Just woke up and was thinking about making you breakfast."

His wife mumbled something that he couldn't quite catch and turned over, burying herself a little deeper in her pillow.

He swallowed hard before shifting to sit up. He'd make bacon, eggs, and toast with tea… everything that she loved. It was small, but maybe it'd be a start. He would figure out how to find a way to fix this growing problem - without making it worse again - after that. He had to find a balance to make sure Berlin's people didn't start questioning him and a way to prove to his wife that she could trust him, even if he might not be able to be entirely honest with her. The more he thought about it, the more he was sure that the problem had grown more than he was willing to admit up until that point.

Breakfast first, then he could deal with everything else. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder, the movement more loving than any kisses exchanged the night before, and waited half a beat to see if that would wake her up again. "I'm sorry, Lizzie," he whispered hoarsely to her when she didn't stir. "I love you."

He slipped out of bed, grabbing for his t-shirt as he started towards the stairs, Hudson moving to follow him down. He could fix this. He had to. He didn't think he could lose her now.

Notes: The infamous newlyweds scene from S1... This was requested specifically by EveyEdge/Blacklister214 and thezelbinion asked for something in the Ivan (1.17) episode, so here we go!

I've had some very definite opinions about this scene for a while, most of which end up at the point that both Liz and Tom were in over their heads. Red was pushing Liz to stay and try to play Tom to get answers, Tom was trying to hold things together. They ended up playing each other, and that's why she slept with him. It was terrible decision making on both of their parts, but that doesn't make it rape or indicate that it was fear that drove her to sleep with him as seems to be a popular opinion among Tom haters, at least on Tumblr. I'm hoping I did this little piece justice. I think I needed to be pushed into it, but it needed to be written all the same.