Chapter 10: All I Wanted
(By request for Purple Light Snow!)
"Renji, I told you. I have nothing to offer you. M-maybe after my powers are restored…after I…"
"I told you that crap doesn't matter!" Renji said firmly, "We love each other. We have a son together. That's what you have to offer…and that's all I want. Marry me, Byakuya. Marry me now!"
Byakuya stared at him, his face going white and his eyes filling with tears. He tried with everything he had left to find the pride to stop himself, but in the end collapsed into Renji's embrace, crying soundlessly.
"I'll take that as a 'yes,'" the redhead said, anchoring his lover securely in his arms and holding him tightly as a decade's worth of grief spilled out of the broken noble onto Renji's hair and skin.
Byakuya clung tightly to Renji's arms, both surprised at and accepting of his loss of control. As much as he had been a strong shinigami, the head of a noble household, the leader of a military division and a man who was determined to always be in firm control of his emotions, all of those other things were gone now. All that was left was the weak body he existed in, a zanpakutou he could no longer use, and a son he had once acted to protect, but who he was now relegated to accepting as his own protector. It made no sense to him that Renji could look at the person he was now and could still love him and want to marry him. He couldn't make any sense of it at all.
But Renji's arms held on to his thin, powerless body and his kisses warmed the heart inside him that had somehow survived everything and had returned to the red-haired man whom he could never be worthy of now.
"Let go of me, Renji!" he demanded, trying to pull away, "Renji, let go!"
"No!" the redhead insisted, "I let go of you once and I almost lost you forever. I am never going to let go of you again."
"But...look at me!" Byakuya yelled at him, "I am not even a shadow of what I was."
"And I told you that I don't give a damn about that!" Renji yelled back, "I fought like hell to be able to be with you like this again. I am not giving that up, now that I have you back."
"But I...can't, Renji!"
He dragged the struggling noble into another heated kiss, then paused and looked at the door as a knock sounded and Ronin's voice called to the noble.
"Dad? Dad, are you okay?"
"R-ronin," Byakuya said, taking a shuddering breath.
He hurriedly wiped the tears from his eyes and hastily tied his yukata back in place. Renji released him and the noble walked quickly to the bedroom door and opened it.
"Ronin," he said wearily, "I am glad to see you are back safely. Did everyone make it back all right?"
"Y-yeah, Dad," the youth said, looking past Byakuya to where Renji still sat in the bed, "Um, I heard raised voices. Is, uh, everything okay?"
"Everything's fine," Renji said, slipping out of the bed and walking to the door.
Ronin's eyes moved from Byakuya's troubled expression to Renji's guarded one.
"I didn't ask you," the youth said in a low voice, "I asked my dad."
He looked into Byakuya's eyes, reading the barely submerged pain.
"Dad, I can see that...you're upset. And even if I couldn't, I feel it. What happened?"
He turned on Renji, his eyes flaring.
"What did you do to him? Did you hurt him?"
Byakuya shook his head.
"No, he didn't," he said softly, stepping back and motioning for the boy to enter the room, "Renji would never harm me, Ronin."
"But Dad," said the boy, "I can see that you've...been crying. Something upset you. Was it something he did?"
"No," Byakuya said firmly, "But...I do need to speak to you. It is something important. It is...something you need to know."
Ronin followed Byakuya back to the bed and the two sat down. Renji sat down in a chair beside the bed.
"Does...he really need to be here?" asked Ronin, "I'm sorry if I sound rude, but..."
"This concerns Renji as well," explains Byakuya, "It is about something that I did that had disastrous results."
"You mean, how you trusted your cousin and he betrayed you?" Ronin asked, "Kiyoshi already told me some things, and others, I overheard."
"Well," said Byakuya, "This is not something that anyone knows."
"Okay," said the youth, glancing at Renji, then back at Byakuya.
"Apparently, you have heard that I was raised with Tsuyoshi."
Ronin nodded.
"We were close, growing up...at least, I thought that we were. I did not realize it at the time, but Tsuyoshi carried a secret grudge. He always felt that since my father was not exceedingly powerful, leadership of the clan should have passed to his father, and then to him. He never let on about his jealousy, but he watched carefully to see where I was weak, what things might be exploited."
"I know he stole that sword, and that he used it to steal your powers. He tried to kill you and Tsuneo found you and helped you escape him."
"Yes," confirmed Byakuya, "All of that is true. But there is a part of the story that I have not told. I could not, because it was too dangerous, and in truth, it was too painful. It involves what happened between Renji and me before Tsuyoshi attacked me."
"You told me that you and Renji were...together," Ronin said, glancing at the redhead.
"We were," Byakuya said, nodding, "I was Renji's captain, captain of the sixth division. I will save the story of how Renji entered my life, but I will tell you that we did fall in love, and we wanted very much to be married. However, I was also the leader of the Kuchiki clan. There were strict rules that warned against marrying a member of the peasant class. Prior to becoming leader, I broke the rules and married a peasant woman. She died five years later, and after that, the Kuchiki elders chose me to be clan leader, with the understanding that I would never break the rules again. I kept my relationship with Renji a secret for a time. The only I told was Tsuyoshi. And during that time, I tried to make a special connection with Renji...one that would force the elders to accept him, so that we could be married. But even as we worked towards that, Tsuyoshi interfered behind our backs. I did achieve soul resonance with Renji, but before I go before the council, Tsuyoshi captured Renji and set a curse upon him that would have forced him to kill me. Rather than allow it to happen, Renji left me. And because he left me to protect me from this curse, I was not able to tell him that our soul bonding had been successful."
He paused for a moment and slipped a hand into Renji's. Ronin's frown deepened slightly, but he said nothing as Byakuya continued his story.
"Soul bonding is a special connection that is rarely achieved, but if it occurs between two males, then the noble male can become pregnant."
Ronin's eyes widened.
"You mean...?" he began, then stopped and stared at the two men.
"I mean that because Renji and I successfully bonded, I became pregnant with his child...with you, Ronin. You were not borne by a woman, but by me. And Renji is your father."
"Y-you...?" Ronin stammered, "You said that..."
"I know I was not honest with you," Byakuya confessed, "At the time, I did not know what Tsuyoshi had done to Renji. I really thought that Renji had left me. And I had you, but no way to protect you. As the rightful heir to clan leadership, you were vulnerable. Tsuyoshi would have...and still will, kill you if he learns of you. That is why I remained here in Inuzuri. It was the only place where I felt the Tsuyoshi would not sense me. But recently, my residual powers began to flare, and he sensed that I was alive. He came here, looking for me. I thought that Renji had led him here, but it wasn't his fault. Tsuyoshi would have come anyway, and I would not have been able to protect you from him."
"But what about the curse?" asked Ronin, "Won't Captain Abarai try to kill you?"
"No," said Renji, "You see, while you were gone, the ones of us here managed to break the curse. I am fine now."
He met Byakuya's eyes meaningfully.
"And now that I'm free of the curse, and we are together, I asked Byakuya to marry me."
Ronin met Byakuya's eyes questioningly.
"That's why you were so upset? Because he wanted us to be together?" he asked, "Don't you want us to be together, now that you know the truth and the curse has been broken?"
Byakuya lowered his eyes.
"That is...complicated," he explained.
"No, it isn't," said Ronin, with certainty, "Either you love him and you want us to be a family or you don't. That isn't complicated. Are you still in love with Captain Abarai?"
"You see?" said Renji, "It isn't as complicated as you're making it. Our kid gets it. I get it. So why are you still agonizing over this? Either you love me and you want to be with me, or you don't."
"But it isn't so simple as that," Byakuya insisted, "When we fell in love, I was a powerful man. I was a clan leader and a captain, not a...just a...weak...commoner. I told you, Renji. I have nothing to offer you! You are powerful and accomplished..."
"And I said that doesn't fucking matter!"
Renji glanced at Ronin.
"Sorry, kid. It doesn't matter. Byakuya, I love you! And if you are still in love with me, we should just stop arguing about this and get married!"
Renji stopped and frowned at him.
"You...do still love me, ne?" he asked, his eyes softening.
Byakuya let out an exasperated breath.
"Of course I do, Abarai! But...what if what happened to me cannot be undone? What if this is all I ever am?"
"Dad," laughed Ronin, "This is all you've ever been to me, and it's more than enough!"
"But..."
"You survived being hit by that ancient sword your cousin has," Ronin reminded him, "You took care of me all of these years. And you didn't just protect me. You killed hollows and protected the town without using any powers at all! All of the other kids' parents always said I was lucky to have such a strong person as my father. I've always been proud to be your son."
Byakuya's eyes softened affectionately.
"And I am very proud to be your father, Ronin. I just...regret that I have lost so much of myself."
Ronin looked down at where Renji's hand still curled around Byakuya's. He rested his own hand on top of theirs and smiled.
"But now that we are a family again, we can get back everything Tsuyoshi stole from you."
Byakuya let out a soft breath and looked down at their joined hands, then at Ronin, then Renji.
"I think that you mean...what he stole from us."
He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them and looked into Renji's. Renji squeezed his hands gently and held his gaze steadily.
"Look, I know that we have a long way to go in getting back what that snake took from us. I know that there are no guarantees. Hell, there never have been. But this? The three of us being together, fighting this battle together? This is a really big step in that direction. We stand the best chance of defeating him if we stick together. We won't let him break us apart again. He was able to once, but we, and all of our friends are going to work together to stop him. And while we do that, I think it's important to take what steps we can to put ourselves back together. You say you want to wait until you have your powers back? Until you feel worthy of being with me? But if you plan to marry me, remember the promises we'll make, Byakuya...for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. Nowhere in there will we vow to love each other 'when we both feel strong and worthy of each other.' Whatever the situation...whatever happens, I am going to love, honor and cherish you, Byakuya. And I don't need to be married to commit myself to that. I'm already there. I think you are too. You are just holding on to your stubborn pride. I know that's just the way you are. I get it. But I am asking you...for our sake, for you, for me, for Ronin...lower your pride and let me show you the lengths to which I will go to protect what we have here!"
Byakuya gazed back at the redhead, his eyes glistening with memory. He gave a soft sigh and looked down at their joined hands, then back into Renji's eyes.
"You are right," he admitted, "I am letting my pride get in the way. That day you left me, I did the same thing...and I still think that if I had not, things might have worked out very differently."
"You don't know that," said Renji, shaking his head.
"No, but I feel it. And there is a time for pride to stand in the way. Yet, there is also a time when pride should be lowered on behalf of something more important. And the simple truth is that you and Ronin...our family is more important than maintaining my pride. I may be much less than I was before...but without you and Ronin, I am nothing. I am the nothing that Tsuyoshi tried to make of me."
Renji leaned forward and let his cheek gently brush against Byakuya's. Ronin watched quietly with curious, appraising eyes.
"So you'll marry me now?" Renji asked softly, brushing the stray hairs away from the noble's eyes.
Byakuya studied Renji's hopeful expression, then looked at Ronin and couldn't help seeing the sweet resemblance. His lips curved into a grateful smile and he nodded in acquiescence.
"Yes, Renji," he answered quietly, "If you are so determined to have me as I am, then I am equally determined to be yours. You are right that we have a long way to go...but then, marriage is a journey to be made together. I look forward to meeting what comes, with you and Ronin at my side."
Renji gave a sigh of relief.
"Thank kami! You finally came to your senses," he said, squeezing Byakuya's hand, "So...do you need special permission? Or does Ronin's existence automatically mean we can get married?"
Byakuya smiled tolerantly and shook his head.
"Renji," he said softly, "I was expelled from the clan...targeted for death by my own relatives. My name was stricken from the family records. I am a simple commoner now. I need no one's permission to marry whomever I want now."
"Good," said the redhead, "Then it's better to do this now, so that your relatives can't get after you about rule breaking. Then we can laugh in their faces when you regain your powers, kick Tsuyoshi's ass and take back leadership of the clan and your division."
Byakuya gazed at Renji appreciatively, then folded himself into the redhead's strong arms.
"You are impossible, Abarai," he sighed, surrendering to a warm, intense kiss, "You have such determination...such a stubborn will to make things the way you want them to be, regardless of the impossibility."
"Are you complaining?" Renji asked, smirking, "Because I'd say that is definitely working in your favor this time, ne?"
"It is," Byakuya agreed.
He turned to look at Ronin, meeting the boy's eyes questioningly.
"Then...you are accepting of this?" he asked quietly.
Ronin leaned forward and slipped an arm around Byakuya, then met Renji's eyes and calmly embraced him as well.
"I have my parents," he said, hugging them tightly, "We are a family. It's all I've ever wanted!"