Stronger Together

It was the look that he gave her that made her skin crawl. It was smug, like he knew exactly what she was thinking even as she stood at the top of the steps, her own expression impassive and - at least she thought - her body language unreadable. A small smirk toyed at the corners of his lips and he leaned back, pulling his knees up so that the chain around his ankle rattled loudly in the steel hull of the boat that she was keeping him prisoner in. His eyes were trained on her, steady, and she felt the anger and bitterness rise up inside of her at how familiar they were, yet how different. There was no warmth there, no love, and she found herself swallowing hard, her voice smaller than she expected it to be. "Stop."

He tilted his head, the unnerving smile that wasn't anything like the man she had loved had worn only stretched a little wider and he chuckled. "You've really got it bad, don't you?"

She pushed a long breath out through her nose, trying to calm her. "I asked you a question. I expect an answer."

"Or what? You'll beat it out of me? Shoot me again? You're afraid to kill me. You're afraid to let me live. You know you've screwed up this time, but you keep telling yourself that you're still a good person because you're doing this for all the right reasons, but that's not really why you're doing this, is it?" He shifted, easing himself up to his feet slowly, his gaze remaining on her so steadily that she felt like he was looking straight through her. "You didn't shoot me out of self defence and I'm not here because you need answers. You did it because of what I did to you, not what I did to anyone else. You did it because you were pissed. What are you doing to do, Liz? Are you going to-"

The shot rang out, bouncing off the walls and it took a moment for her to register that the gun was in her hands. She stood there, feeling numb as he looked down to where the blood spread across his dark t-shirt. It was when he looked back up to her that the emotions hit her like a tidal wave. The coldness had washed out of his eyes and the look he gave her was one of utter betrayal and pain. He dropped to one knee, and even as a breathless Lizzie slipped from his bloodied lips she felt herself trembling, though she couldn't quite tell if it was from fear or anger. The two emotions blurred together dangerously and she squeezed her eyes shut against them, the shots echoing in her own mind again and again, even as the gun slipped from her fingers.

"Liz?"

Blue eyes snapped open to find that she wasn't in the dark hull of the ship that she'd held her ex-husband prisoner on nearly a year and a half before. She was lying on her back in the bed she had bought for her apartment, and the voice she had heard was Tom's. She looked over to her left to see him sitting up on his side of the bed, worry etched into his face. "Babe, you okay?"

Liz loosed a shaky breath, trying to bring herself down from the rolling waves of anger and fear and frustration. They weren't on the boat. Tom may not have been the man she thought he was when she married him, but he wasn't the monster that she'd feared either. She loved him. They were having a baby together and she had been turning the idea over in her mind the last few days that she was going to accept his proposal.

"Lizzie? You have a nightmare?"

She nodded, not trusting her own voice. She wasn't angry at him. It was the leftover from the nightmare, but it felt so real. That openly concerned expression, the way he was reaching for her… She jerked back just before his fingers touched her and she eased herself towards the edge of the bed without a word. It was too much.

"Liz?" he called again and somewhere inside she knew how irrational she was being even as she snapped.

"Leave it."

Tom jerked back as if she'd burned him, and Liz moved immediately to the bathroom and shut the door a little harder than she meant to, swallowing hard and leaning against the counter. Silence followed, leaving her drenched in it, and she reached forward to turn the knob for the cold water in the sink.

They were past this. She was past this. Liz had spent plenty of nights in the dark of her motel room reminding herself that it wasn't just revenge. She had never gone so far as to try to convince herself that that didn't have a part in it, but she had a larger goal in mind. A better goal. She had been interrogating a suspect.

But if she were honest, dream-Tom had been right. She had done what she did not because she needed answers from him. He could have lied to her and she might or might not have been able to tell at that point. She could have found out any of the important details - important to the cases, important to her team - through digging through his life. She'd found more than the FBI ever could have hoped to. His real name had helped, but she would have found it all even if she had let him bleed out on the floor like he had expected her too.

Liz reached forward, splashing cold water against her face. She wasn't a good person. She'd proven that. She'd killed a man in cold blood, she'd nearly beaten another to death in her fury. She had wanted to end the Deer Hunter. If Ressler hadn't come when he did, she would have. The woman hadn't been innocent, but she hadn't deserved to die like that.

She had nearly killed the man she loved. She had held and tortured him because of her anger. If someone else would say he deserved it or not, that he was serving penance for what he had done, didn't matter. She had still done it, and while he had spent his time since he'd returned from Germany proving that he still loved her, she hadn't offered even a hint of an apology for those four months.

A sob escaped her and she jerked up at the soft knock came at the bathroom door. Tom poked his head in and held up a mug of tea, the bag still in it, and he set it on the counter. "This always helped," he murmured. "Let me know if you want to talk. I'm going to start some breakfast."

"Tom," she called, her voice small and he paused.

She reached for him and he was pulling her close before she had a chance to ask him to. His fingers moved through her hair and he whispered soothingly in her ear as she cried in his arms. This was Tom. This was her Tom, not the cold-eyed man in her dream. He wore so many masks over the years. That must have been another one. It had to be.

"Was it the fire?" he asked gently.

"The boat," Liz whispered.

Tom tensed a little, his hand pausing for the briefest moment before continuing to work its way through her hair. "You want to talk about it?"

"We never do. We never have."

Her ex husband sighed and released her, nodding towards the door. "I think I need coffee for this."

He dropped his hand to take hers and they fit so well. Even as her mind spun and her emotions felt like they were riding a particularly terrible roller coaster, he steadied her. It was funny, in that way.

Liz watched him as he moved, still limping badly on his right leg, but he refused to use the cane that was likely still leaned up against the wall next to his side of the bed. Her eyes didn't leave him as he shuffled around the kitchen, grabbing a filter and pouring coffee grounds into it. She sipped at her tea and leaned against the counter. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He paused very briefly. "About what? That's a pretty broad topic."

A soft laugh escaped her. "That you loved me. Either when we talked in the dining room just before…"

"Before we completely destroyed the living room?" he offered, his voice light but his eyes told a different story.

"Yeah. Or when I had you on the boat."

"Because," he said slowly, the word hanging in the air for a moment before he continued, "you never would have believed me."

"You could have tried, at least."

He looked back at her and she saw the way he purposefully kept his expression open for her. "I was scared," he confessed quietly.

"Of what?"

"Everything. I didn't…" He sighed, squeezing his eyes closed for a moment. When he opened them again he flipped the coffee maker on and turned to look at her. "I didn't know what to do. I've never loved anyone before you, Liz. I didn't know how to, and so I just…. Went at it the only way I could figure out how."

"By lying."

"By trying to be someone that deserved you. I didn't do a very good job. I guess I still don't most of the time."

Liz pushed herself off the counter and moved towards him, her hand seeking his out. He looked so torn right then, so guilty, and she reached up to pull him into a kiss. It was gentle at first, but as the pain and the regret worked its way through her, possibly through them both, it deepened. She felt him shift, one hand still in hers and the other on the side of her face. "I'm sorry," she breathed when they finally parted, and the emotions rolled over her in waves as the tears blurred her vision again. "Tom, I'm so sorry."

He leaned in, his forehead pressed against hers. "You don't ever have to apologize to me, Liz. Never. And definitely not about that."

"I…" she closed her eyes tightly, trying to focus on his steadying presence. "Tom, I could have killed you. Then what? I never would have known… We never would have…"

"Hey? Hey, don't. Don't do that to yourself, Liz. Please, babe. You were in over your head. It wasn't your fault. Please, Lizzie, don't."

"How do you not hate me for it?"

"I tried," he chuckled, pressing a kiss to the side of her head. "All the way home from Dresden I tried."

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too, but Liz… I know I screwed up there. Royally. I-" he winced as he shifted his weight so he could lean a bit against the cabinets- "I can't promise I won't screw up again. All I can promise you is to do everything I can to be the man you deserve. That both of you deserve."

"I'm scared," she said quietly.

"Me too."

"Really?"

"Sure. I never had a dad. Closest thing to it wants me dead, but… But we can do this as long as we do it together. I promise you I'll be honest with you. That - even if you never are ready to get married again - that we'll be partners in raising our kid. No lies, no sidestepping. Just us, on even ground, doing the best we can."

Liz nodded and smiled as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. "And I promise not to shoot you and hold you hostage again," she tried for a tease.

It pulled a chuckle from him. "Might be hard to explain to our little one."

"We're really complicated, aren't we?"

Tom hummed softly. "Yeah, but I think it's worth it."

"Me too."

"Oh good," he laughed, his grin real and it pulled a smile from her too. "Because that could have been really awkward at this point."

"Dork," she grumbled and popped his arm. He yelped a little and she instantly realized it was the one that had taken a bullet just a couple weeks before. "Babe, I'm sorry!"

He was already smiling again and he leaned over, catching her in another kiss. There had been a lot of forgiveness between them on things that likely didn't deserve forgiveness, but they would make it through. They were so much stronger when they were together.

Notes:

It's always bothered me just a little that Liz has never verbalized an apology to Tom for holding him captive for four moths and torturing him. It could be that she has, and it just didn't make it into the show because of time constraints, or it could be that they have simply agreed to never mention those horrible four months again. Honestly, I could see them both moving past it and never wanting to approach the subject again, but I'm a writer. I like to poke at them and make them do things they don't want to do :P

If you have any one shots that you'd like to see, I'm still taking requests. Also, if you haven't seen it yet, I have a new hiatus fic started. It's called Deep in the Grey and picks up where the season finale left off.