Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E.
Falling Walls
Part 5: Til I Met You
Michaela stirred in the bed trying to snuggle down deep under the covers as the air seemed to chill her to the bone. Unconsciously, she shifted in the bed towards Sully who usually radiated heat. The coolness of the sheets jolted her awake as she opened her eyes to see his empty pillow. Turning over, she hoped to see him in the rocking chair holding Katie or hear his feet on the stairs. The chair was empty though and from this angle Michaela could see that Katie still slumbered in her crib. The only sound that met her ear was the thud of an ax from outside.
Staring up at the ceiling, Michaela lay on her back, contemplating the events of the last few days. She had honestly wanted to believe that they could move past this without it turning into something bigger than necessary. Sully was obviously still upset about something but he wouldn't open up to her. Chopping wood was one of the things Sully did when he had a lot on his mind. Michaela knew that as well as she knew that the wood pile outside the back door did not need to be replenished. She couldn't shake the feeling that he was avoiding her and in more than one way. They hadn't made love since the first night of Daniel's arrival which was odd for them. Yet what perplexed her even more was that every time she tried to initiate some intimacy, he seemed distracted and uninterested. That certainly wasn't like Sully. He usually loved when she initiated things.
Doubts began to flood Michaela's mind. She had lost all of her baby weight but her body had changed. That was part of having a baby she had been told over and over again. Was it possible that Sully didn't find her as appealing anymore? The thought lingered for a moment before she brushed it away. That couldn't be it – he had certainly been interested up until now. Her mind roamed through possibilities discarding each one until she was only left with the money situation once again. A light sigh escaped her mouth as she rose from the bed and wandered to the window.
Sure enough there stood Sully chopping wood like a madman, almost as if he was punishing himself by pushing his body to the extreme limits. Taking a deep breath, Michaela decided to try once more. After checking on Katie, she moved towards the stairs leaving their bedroom door open in case the baby cried out. Swiftly she moved through the house stopping just outside the back door to slip on a pair of moccasins that she kept there. A gust of wind hit her as she opened the back door and she reached over to grab a cloak to wrap around her body. Shielding her eyes against the glare of the morning sun, she made out Sully's form not far away. The ax was raised in mid-air and he brought it down squarely on the wood, splitting it right down the middle.
"Sully?" she called out stepping towards him.
"Mornin'," he replied with a forced smile. He set the ax down and stepped towards her. "Ya ain't dressed yet. It's still pretty cold out here."
"I'll be fine," Michaela protested moving to close the distance between them. She stopped shy of Sully and reached out her hand laying it against his shoulder. "I missed you beside me this morning."
Sully shifted his eyes hastily to avoid her penetrating gaze. "Just wanted to get an early start on the chores," he muttered.
Michaela turned dramatically to look at the overflowing woodpile. "Wouldn't want to get behind on chores," she said her tone slightly sarcastic. With a sheepish look, Sully turned his face back to her and sighed softly. Michaela couldn't help but think that he looked like a little boy – unsure and vulnerable, obviously hiding something. Stepping closer, she lifted one hand to push a stray piece of hair out of his face, ignoring the way he tensed at her touch. "Sully, what's wrong? Please tell me."
A pensive look crossed Sully's face as he considered what to say. With the same hand, Michaela began to lightly stroke his cheek. He went rigid at her touch causing her to immediately drop her hand and shift her own focus to the ground. Sully could see the pain on her face but he wasn't sure what to say or how to break through the wall that stood between them. "It's nothin'," he muttered and turned to pick the ax back up.
"Why are you shutting me out?" she asked point blank. Sully looked back at her momentarily, the green of her eyes penetrating his mind as if searching every nook to find an answer.
"I'm not," he replied defensively, hating himself the minute the words had left his lips. Just tell her, just tell her. He hoisted the ax high up in the air and brought it down hard on the wood splitting it straight down the middle and lodging the blade in the tree stump. Michaela stood watching him for a minute, hoping that he would say something else – anything by way of explanation.
"Sully if this is still about the money.."
He cut her off in mid sentence. "Michaela I'm fine… everythin's fine."
Michaela threw her hands up in frustration as she felt the hurt from earlier turning into anger. Sully sensed the change within her and realized the wedge separating them had been driven deeper. His feelings were battling within him causing his chest to tighten terribly.
A voice at the back door caught both of their attention. Daniel stood with Katie in his arms. "Sorry to interrupt but Katie was crying… I picked her up…" His voice faded off as his eyes met the tense faces of his friends.
"Sorry Daniel. I guess I couldn't hear her." Michaela cast one more look at Sully and then moved to the back door to take Katie from Daniel. Sully watched her go and as the back door closed he panicked. The thought that driving her away was in fact pushing her towards Daniel worried him as the dream from last night reared up in his mind like some monster scaring him senseless. Leaving the ax lodged in the stump, he ran for the back door opening it quickly. There was no sign of Daniel for which Sully was glad. Michaela was just heading up the stairs and Sully moved to follow her. She knew he was there but she ignored his presence still angry and frustrated at his behavior.
Sully closed their bedroom door behind them and quickly moved towards her, wrapping his arms around her midsection as she laid Katie on the bed to change her. "I'm sorry," he whispered near her ear. "I… I have a lot on my mind."
Michaela softened somewhat, perplexed by the abrupt changes in Sully. This only served to worry her more. Maybe the tenseness had nothing to do with her and was still directed towards Daniel. Leaning back against him, she turned her head to nuzzle the side of his neck with her nose. "Why don't you tell me," she encouraged him.
Sully swallowed hard, the anxiety setting in once again. "I will," he stuttered. "Tonight, okay?" Michaela nodded her head as he kissed her once on the cheek. She turned back to Katie as Sully let go of her. "I'll get the baby ready if ya want," he offered.
"That would be nice," she said and stepped away to get herself dressed. Trying to wrap her mind around Sully's behavior was boggling her. One minute he was cold and distant, the next warm and extremely interested in whatever she was doing. She listened and smiled as she heard Sully's soft words to Katie. He would tell her tonight – he had said he would. Michaela only needed to be patient which wasn't exactly one of her virtues.
Breakfast had been the worst moment yet but it had only served to confirm Michaela's earlier thoughts. Sully was indeed not upset with her but with Daniel. Neither one of them had spoken much over breakfast. When Daniel had suggested leaving, Sully perked up as if he would be glad to be rid of his friend. Sully's assurance that he could stay as long as he wanted had been forced and Michaela knew it was only her look that had made him say it. Yet he didn't appear to be upset with her. He had actually fussed over helping her into the wagon before taking his own seat. During the ride, Sully had continually switched the reins into his left hand to squeeze her knee or hand. He asked about her plans for the day while acting as if Daniel wasn't in the wagon. Even when he had dropped her off at the clinic, he had jumped out of the wagon to help her down, kissing her warmly at the clinic door before parting.
Michaela stood watching them pull away, seated side by side on the front bench. Their faces were turned away from each other as Daniel stared over towards The Gold Nugget. How they would even work together today, perplexed Michaela. She had entered the clinic then trying to go about her day's routine as normal but she couldn't help the thoughts that weighed heavily on her mind. The morning wore on and Michaela knew that if she didn't talk to someone soon she might go crazy. Closing up the clinic, she headed down towards the gazette office.
Michaela tapped lightly on the door. Her head felt like it would explode from all the thoughts that were swirling around inside of it. The morning's events had only served to confuse her even more and she felt as if she needed an outside perspective on the situation. Dorothy opened to her, smiling widely. "Good mornin' Michaela."
"Good morning, Dorothy. Do you have a minute to talk?"
"Certainly. Come on in." She held the door open until Michaela had slipped inside. "Something on your mind?" she asked noticing the concentrated look on Michaela's face.
Michaela took a deep breath feeling slightly awkward about being here. It was hard to describe the situation which only complicated the feeling. "Sort of," she replied. Dorothy sensed her discomfort and went back to working on the press, hoping that less eye to eye contact would help Michaela open up. "It's Sully," Michaela whispered after a moment. "And Daniel," she added. Dorothy nodded encouraging Michaela to continue. "Things are very tense between them."
"How do ya mean.. tense?" Dorothy asked stopping her task for a moment.
Pushing through the awkwardness, Michaela continued "Well ... Sully and Daniel were…very quiet."
"Quiet's not unusual for Sully," Dorothy observed giving her a questioning look.
"No -- I mean extremely quiet," Michaela said as her face grew more troubled.
"I thought this whole fuss about the money was over, but obviously not for Sully. I felt such an anger brewing in him. "
"Toward you?"
"No, no, toward Daniel," Michaela corrected her. Thoughts of last night's chess game and Sully's help with the baby this morning flashed through her mind. "If anything, he was more attentive to me. Last night, he wanted to play chess."
"Chess? " Dorothy asked giving her a slightly strange look.
"He was so eager to play, and I've never known him to be interested before."
Dorothy looked over at Michaela knowingly. "Before Daniel arrived."
Michaela furrowed her brow as she tried to make sense of what Dorothy was saying. "Michaela, I think Sully's jealous."
"Jealous?" Michaela asked incredulously.
"Of you 'n Daniel," Dorothy continued a telling look in her eye.
"Oh Dorothy," Michaela said shaking her head in disbelief.
"I think Daniel's fallin' in love with you."
"Oh, don't be ridiculous," Michaela said shaking her head. This was preposterous. There was no way that Daniel thought of her like that. She was Sully's wife; Daniel was Sully's best friend.
"Well, maybe you don't see it, but Sully clearly had seen somethin'." Dorothy paused here for a moment and looked directly at Michaela. "An' I did, too." This caught Michaela's attention. She looked up perplexed by what Dorothy was going to say. "When they came to pick ya up yesterday, a simple thing like helpin' ya on with your coat -- it made Daniel so uncomfortable."
"That's nonsense," Michaela interjected.
"An' when you got into the wagon, the way he looked at Sully…Afraid to touch your hand ..."
Michaela had noticed the same thing and this made her pause for a moment to consider what Dorothy was saying. There was simply no way that Daniel felt that way about her, was there? With a small shake of her head, she dismissed the idea entirely. "No. Absolutely not. Daniel is Sully's best friend, it's not possible." Her voice was adamant and Dorothy knew that Michaela was clearly ignoring the obvious.
"Michaela, sometimes, when we're right in the middle of a situation, you can't see how it's comin' across –" Dorothy grew quiet her own relationship worries suddenly springing to the forefront of her mind as she noticed the sprig of lavender on her desk.
"You may perceive what you like, that does not make it true," Michaela continued her own voice belying her feelings.
"Yes, I suppose you're right... but maybe..." Dorothy reached out to touch the lavender. Michaela's situation was the least of her worries right now. "But maybe what folks see is true ... an' you just don't wanna accept it."
Michaela shook her head, still feeling as if the idea was ridiculous but even so it had been planted in her brain. If it was true, surely she would have noticed. Unwilling to continue the conversation any longer, she said "I have patients to see." Dorothy barely noticed her friend's departure as her own mind swirled with thoughts of Cloud Dancing and herself.
Michaela stepped out into the bright sunshine, obviously still shaken by what Dorothy had said. Closing the door behind her she thought long and hard about what Dorothy had told her yet still she found herself unwilling to believe it. "Michaela," Daniel called out approaching the gazette from the opposite direction. Michaela turned then stopped short, flustered by the sight of the approaching wagon. Her cheeks warmed incredibly as she watched Daniel slow the buckboard in front of her. She tried to smile but felt extremely awkward now.
"Daniel. I didn't expect to see you here," she said swallowing hard.
"Sully sent me into town to buy lumber." Michaela nodded, unsure of what else to say. "Michaela, there's something I need to talk to you about. Do you have a minute?"Michaela felt her muscles tense and wondered how revealing her face was at the moment.
"Certainly," she said trying to force her mind to stop racing through endless possibilities of why he wanted to see her.
Daniel took a deep breath and stepped down from the wagon, uncertain of how to proceed. Things couldn't continue on like they were – that much he knew. But how to tell Michaela – how to explain to her why he couldn't stay at their house another day was going to be difficult. Admitting his feelings was bad enough but his biggest fear was of her reaction. He didn't want her to be afraid of him or to be upset with him. "I don't really know quite where to start but ah…" His words panicked Michaela and she grew more agitated as she stood there in front of him. Michaela looked up at him too frightened of what he might say. She was still not willing to accept Dorothy's explanation but just the thought that maybe… just maybe he had feelings for her scared her silly.
"Daniel, I just remembered. I have an appointment to prepare for. Could we talk about this later? " She knew her explanation sounded hollow at best but it was all she could think of at the moment. She gave him a weak smile
Daniel could see the discomfort playing across her face and it tore at his heart. This was his doing. He was the one causing her to feel this way… causing Sully to feel the way he was. "Sure. See ya at the house then," he said uneasily .
"Yes," Michaela returned as once again they exchanged taut smiles. Daniel stood watching her go before climbing back up into the wagon. This time he was sure that she had guessed at his feelings but he wasn't sure what to make of her hasty departure. Michaela felt uneasy and couldn't help but wonder what tonight at the homestead would be like. She turned towards the clinic only to see Matthew approaching from the other direction. Quickening her pace, she met him in the middle of the street.
"Hey Dr. Mike," he greeted her, noticing the tense look on her face. "Everything alright?"
"Sure… I was wondering if maybe you would want to come for dinner tonight."
Matthew gave a shrug of his shoulders. "I got some repairs in the barn I was gonna work on tonight," he began but Michaela interrupted him.
"Could they wait? I… things are well… sort of tense between Sully and Daniel and I was hoping that maybe having another person present might ease the situation."
Matthew wrinkled his face in confusion. "What do ya mean tense?"
It was now Michaela's turn to shrug. "I don't exactly know. It's hard to explain… I suppose I was hoping that someone else at dinner might help." Her voice faded as she spoke alerting Matthew to her own state of mind.
"Ya know what - I'd love to come to dinner tonight." He gave her shoulder a brief pat as he spoke and Michaela looked up at him with a weak smile.
"Good," she said somewhat cheerfully as she caught sight of Daniel pulling up at the livery. "I better be going."
"See ya tonight," Matthew called after her as Michaela made a hasty retreat towards the clinic.
The sun was just beginning to fade as Matthew stood outside on the porch with Brian watching Sully repair the fence. Matthew turned to his little brother and noticed the same drawn look he had seen earlier on Michaela's face. "Brian is there even anything wrong with that fence Sully's fixin'?" he asked breaking the silence for the first time since they had stepped outside.
"Nah," he replied dejectedly. A deep sigh escaped his mouth as he turned toward his brother. "He's been like this ever since he got back from the cattle drive."
"Dr. Mike said things were tense." Brian didn't speak for a moment but chewed anxiously on his bottom lip as Matthew observed him. "Is something a matter?"
Turning his eyes toward the barn, Brian remained quiet unsure how to tell Matthew what he was thinking. "I... I think this is my fault."
Matthew scowled and placed his hand on Brian's shoulder giving it a light squeeze. "How could this be your fault?"
"I wrote to Daniel because I knew ma and Sully didn't have the money for the house. I thought he could help but Sully didn't want him to."
"Brian it wasn't you who took the money. If Sully was gonna be mad at somebody, don't ya think he would be mad at Dr. Mike?"
"I guess." He cast his eyes toward the railing when he absentmindedly picked at the wood. "But if I hadn't written to Daniel, he never would've come. This whole mess wouldn't have even been started."
"Brian if you hadn't written to Daniel ya might all be livin' with me in the old homestead," Matthew reasoned as a light laugh escaped his mouth. "I know Sully didn't wanna take the money but everythin' that's happened ain't your fault. Don't go blamin' yourself." He wrapped an arm around Brian's shoulder and moved over beside him. "I'm sure Sully sees it the same way. Sides way Dr. Mike tells it, Sully ain't mad at anybody but Daniel."
Brian shook his head. "Yeah, that's true." He gave Matthew a weak smile. "He barely even talks to him."
Just then the front door of the house opened and Michaela stepped out onto the porch. She smiled at the way Matthew had his arm around Brian. He had always been such a wonderful older brother and she was certainly glad of his presence here tonight. "Boys dinner's ready," she said tentatively not wanting to interrupt their conversation.
"Thanks ma," Brian replied turning to face her. "Want me to get Sully?"
"No, I'll do it." She stepped past them and off the porch towards the fence. Sully's thoughts were obviously elsewhere, he didn't even hear her approach. "Sully," she said gently, her voice almost musical in tone.
Sully turned and forced a smile. "Dinner ready?"
Michaela nodded, wanting to reassure herself that he was planning on opening up to her tonight but knew that right now might not be the best time.
"Michaela," Daniel called from the porch. "Do ya want me to put the carrots on the table?"
"Sure," Michaela returned as Sully wrapped an arm around her shoulder. She glanced at him quizzically.
"Daniel help ya with supper?"
"A little."
"I thought the boys were helpin' ya."
"They were outside on the porch," she responded giving him a confused look. "Did you finish the fence?" she asked knowing just as the boys had that there was nothing wrong with it.
"Yeah," Sully lied as he took his arm from around her. He lightly brushed her fingers as he dropped his hand and Michaela took the opportunity to grab onto him. Again she felt him tense at her touch but she assured herself that very soon she would know why. Together they walked up to the house where dinner awaited them.
Sully took his place at the end of the table as soon as they entered. Daniel was already seated but his eyes were glued to the fire on the other side of the room so that even as Sully passed right in front of him he acted as if he didn't notice. After the family said grace, they began to pass the bowls of food around. Hardly anyone spoke as the food was passed. Michaela occasionally glanced at the other end of the table where Daniel and Sully shared hesitant glances every few minutes. How they had even worked together that day was beyond Michaela's comprehension.
Matthew glanced down at them as he chewed thoughtfully on a bite of potato. "Dinner's real good tonight, Dr. Mike," he offered
"Thank you, Matthew. I'm glad you could join us," she replied with a diminished smile. Matthew was perplexed by their behavior. It seemed worse than either Michaela or Brian had hinted at. He nodded at Michaela's statement and glanced around the table again at the anxious faces.
"Wouldn't miss it," he said with forced enthusiasm. The truth was he would prefer to be almost anywhere but here right now.
Michaela looked down at her plate as Brian and Matthew exchanged glances. Brian shrugged and gave a little shake of his head as the silence continued. His heart went out to his little brother in that minute. He could see from the tightness around his mouth that he was still worried. It was moments like these that always made Matthew question if adults really understood how their own behavior affected children. He made a silent vow to himself that he would try to remember this if he was ever a father. Still Matthew combed his mind for a topic, anything that would break the unsettling silence.
"Saw Ben Marcus in town today," he finally offered.
Michaela perked up. "Ben Marcus? How is he?"
"Oh, he's fine."
"And his family?"
"They're doin' fine too."
Michaela nodded, hoping for more. So far her plan had backfired and given the looks that the two men continued to exchange it wasn't about to get any better.
"He said to send 'is regards," Matthew added. Michaela smiled and then turned to her own plate once again.
"Mr. Bray's been talkin' 'bout makin' some big changes at the store," Brian offered trying his hand at starting a conversation.
"That right Brian? What kinda changes? " Matthew asked pretending to be very interested.
"Oh, movin' stuff aroun'," Brian replied."What kinda stuff?"
"Y'know -- stuff." Brian looked around once more before meeting Matthew's eyes and seeing the same defeat there that he felt. They both gave up and concentrated on eating as fast as they could so that they could leave the table quickly.
Finally Daniel spoke up. "Another fine meal Michaela. Would you excuse me?"
"Sure," Matthew answered when it looked as no one else was going to.
Daniel rose from the table and headed toward the stairs. Michaela met Sully's eyes and she became even more troubled at the anger she saw there. Sully hastily dropped his head and following the boys example he quickly cleaned his plate. It wasn't long before Michaela found herself in the kitchen washing up the dishes. Matthew had left already and Brian had retired for the evening. Sully had gone up to check on Katie and had never come back down. Michaela was worried that he had forgotten that they were supposed to talk and she made short work of the kitchen, feeling the urgency of making it upstairs before Sully fell asleep.
Part of her inwardly cringed as she thought about the upcoming conversation, afraid of what might be revealed. Yet her worry was too great to put this conversation off for one more minute. After turning down the lamps and checking the front door once more, she headed up the stairs her heart growing heavier with each step. Slowly she opened the door to her room to reveal a single lamp letting out a weak beam – just enough for Michaela to see that Sully was already in bed his back to the door. She let out a deep breath and lowered herself onto the bed beside him, reaching over to lightly touch his shoulder. There was no response and Michaela felt the anger growing inside of her matched only by her worry.
Crossing the room, she made as much noise as possible getting ready for bed but the only person she succeeded in waking was Katie. Yet even her brief cries elicited no reaction in Sully. After settling Katie once more, she returned to their bed but left the bedside lamp on knowing sleep was not going to take her anytime soon. Her stomach was in knots, the tension spreading out through her entire body as she stretched out along his form. For a little while, she tried reading a medical journal but gave up after she read the same paragraph five times without retaining a single thing.
Finally she turned down the light and lay down fully in the bed, hoping sleep would eventually overtake her. The sound of the floorboards creaking in the hall caught her attention. Sitting up more alert than before, she strained her ears to listen. The sound of footsteps on the stairs made the knot in her stomach tighten and she hastily rose to see who was up and about though she was fairly certain it was Daniel. Without wasting another second, she pulled on her robe and headed out the bedroom door, slipping effortlessly down the stairs in her bare feet.
"Daniel?"
Daniel tensed at her voice, a light sigh escaping his mouth. "I didn't wanna wake ya."
"What are you doing?" Michaela asked her eyes roaming from the bags to the piece of paper on the table.
"Figure it's time I move on now," he said plainly hoping to get out of the house before she made him admit why he was really leaving.
"You're leaving? "
"I think it's best."
"In the middle of the night?" Michaela asked incredulously. She knew things were bad but to leave without even saying good-bye to her that was shocking. "But you have to say goodbye to Sully. You can't go now. Please don't go."
"What's goin' on?" Sully's voice boomed from the stairs. Michaela jumped at the sound of his voice and quickly turned to face him. Sully looked from Michaela's face to Daniel's seeing the same surprise written on both of them. His eyes narrowed slightly "What're you two doin' down there?"
"I was just leavin'," Daniel explained.
"Good."
"Sully, you don't mean that," Michaela hastily interjected shocked at her husbands terse response.
"Yeah, I do." He lunged towards Daniel aggressively, his face glowering with rage. "I've seen the way ya been lookin' at her." Daniel remained quiet as Sully verbalized his thoughts.
Michaela swallowed hard. Dorothy had been right- Sully was jealous. Her hands were shaking as she turned to her husband. "Sully... " she began but he interrupted her.
"Go on. Tell her," Sully challenged Daniel his eyes never leaving Daniel's face. Daniel still remained silent, feeling it impossible now to voice the unpleasantness of his own sordid thoughts. "Ya denyin' it?"
Daniel shifted awkwardly as Michaela turned to face him once more. His heart broke as he looked at her for what he assumed was the last time. Sully pushed past him and opened the front door before turning his cold eyes back to Daniel. Again Daniel looked at Michaela, wanting to say something – anything in way of explanation. "Whatcha waitin' for?"
Daniel picked up his bags, hesitating momentarily. He wanted to say something – to make things right. "Sully, I..."
"Just go!" Sully exclaimed giving Daniel a shove.
An anguished Michaela quickly stepped between them. "Sully… he's your friend."
"Used to be." His words found their mark. Daniel swallowed hard feeling more wounded than he ever had in his life. The two of them had certainly argued in the past but never had things felt so torn as they did right now. He stepped through the door his head hung in rejection as Sully closed the door behind him.
Michaela moved to the side as he closed the door, her face still echoing the surprise and shock she felt inside. Never had she seen Sully behave so irrationally. Couldn't he see that he had been wrong? There was no possible way that Daniel had feelings for her; her husband was being ridiculous. She had to talk to him to make him understand. In one single swoop, he retrieved his belt and coat. She reached out her hand but he backed away from her. Michaela panicked at that moment, seeing the unbridled anger on his face. All she could assume was that he thought something was in fact going on between her and Daniel. Her heart beat wildly inside of her as she opened her mouth to speak. Yet Sully ignored her completely already opening the back door to leave. The sound of it closing shattered Michaela and she leaned up against the front door for support, as tears began to pour down her face. She wrapped her robe securely around her body, feeling suddenly unclean though she knew she had done nothing wrong. Just the thought that Sully would think that about her was devastating. She had to go after him- make him understand. Yet she knew she couldn't – Brian and Katie still slept upstairs. That thought made her angry again. He knew she couldn't leave – and that was unfair.
Crossing to the stairs, she made her way up wiping at her tears as she went. The despair that she felt, threatened to choke her as she moved through the quiet house. Opening the door to her bedroom, her eyes caught the sight of the deserted bed. Sully's pillow was still indented from his earlier presence and she walked over to it touching it lightly with her fingers. The tears flowed harder now and she lay down in his place, curling into a fetal position. Sobs racked her body but she couldn't seem to make herself stop. How much time had passed she didn't know but eventually she calmed some. Forcing herself off the bed, she went to the crib and pulled the baby into her arms, needing to hold onto something so that she wouldn't breakdown like that again. She sat down with her in the rocking chair, holding her close and drawing some comfort from the tiny frame as she waited for the sun to rise.
The night was dark, the moon hidden by cloud cover as he made his way deeper into the forest. He didn't need a light to guide him; he knew this route by heart. Every tree had been etched in his memory, every footstep counted. His way became slightly more difficult as the trees grew closer and closer together. The path had been left behind but the sound of the creek to his right let him know he was still moving in the right direction. His mind whirled with the same blackness that surrounded him as he pushed himself forward never once looking back.
The trees broke suddenly and Sully stepped out into a small clearing, the babble of the creek closer than ever. This was the place where he had come on his spirit quest. This was the place where he had finally begun to heal after Abagail's death. Cloud Dancing had accompanied him here the first time, speaking over him the purpose for his vision quest. Now these words rang in his memory just as they had the first time he had heard. They penetrated his heart in the same fashion, leaving indelible marks on his soul. Sinking to his knees in exhaustion, Sully let the memory wash over him.
"Will you run forever?" he asked, his voice haunting the recesses of the night.
"It's easier to run," Sully replied unable to look away from the medicine man's gaze even though he longed to.
"And does the running help?"
Sully shook his head. "But it's easier."
"What is easier isn't always what is best. You cannot run from your past because it is always with you. Do you not think that each person, each event shapes us into who we are?"
"Maybe I don't wanna be that person," Sully replied dropping his eyes to the ground, ashamed of all that he now felt.
"Then who will you be? Do you not think that pain is a part of life? Do you not see that we suffer so that we will be changed into something better?" Sully had no response for him. He didn't want to think about the pain and suffering anymore; he simply wanted to escape from them. "These things are a part of you – embrace them for they have made you. You must learn to stop wrestling with the past and learn to live in harmony with it." With these words the medicine man rose, leaving Sully to contemplate his words.
For three days and nights those words had haunted Sully until on the last night, he had heeded Cloud Dancing's advice. He had accepted his past as part of himself and only then had real healing begun. His mind reeled at the thought that everything was resurfacing. Everything he had made peace with had been stirred up from the depth of his memory and was slowly eating him alive. "Embrace my past," he whispered into the night trying to figure out what that meant for him now.
Michaela's face surfaced out of the murky depths of his being and he gasped at the pain he found ripping though his body at the thought of her. The wall between them seemed thick as if a whole fortress had been erected in a few days time. Growing still, he heard the thud of his heart resounding in his ears and he held his hand to his chest as Michaela often did. They were one. Was it possible to separate that one into two again? He needed to tell her- to let her help him bear the burden that still weighed down on him more than he even guessed. And she needed him to tell her- to be honest with her no matter what the cost.
It was only now that the tears came, falling slowly at first but increasing as the dam inside of him burst open. The dull ache from his chest spread outward seeping into every pore of his body until he cried out banging on the ground with his fists. The pain was too much for him and he collapsed on his side feeling the cold earth beneath him as he struggled to make sense of what was going on. He lost track of time as he lay there wallowing in something akin to self pity and dread. The night began to fade away and with it his tears. The pain continued to tear at his insides but lying here in this place he had located its source. He had tried to make one back into two and it simply wasn't possible. As if he had been guided to this place at this moment, it became obvious to him what he needed more than anything else. Sully rose to his feet and with a voice that reverberated off the trees he cried out. "Michaela! Mi-chael-a!" As his thoughts flew outward, all the self pity that he had felt left him. Now thoughts of his actions from the night before haunted him as the extent of his actions came crashing down upon him.
His first thought was for his wife. It had only just occurred to him that his leaving made it look as if he thought she had welcomed Daniel's affections and that possibly she was even acting on them. He had just needed to get away – to come to terms with the myriad of emotions that plagued him. The thought that he had left the wrong impression cut him to the quick and his heart repented of his actions, hoping he would find forgiveness in her arms. At one time he had sat in this place in a circle of stones and healing had come to him. He was sure now; the only place to find healing this time was in her arms.
Yet Daniel had been hurt in the process too. The thought of his angry words made Sully ashamed. Fairness was a principle Sully tried to live by but last night he hadn't even given Daniel the chance to defend himself. If Michaela had not stepped in between them he would have hit his oldest friend and thought nothing of it. Whatever Daniel felt for Michaela was nothing more than feelings. Just like Michaela, he never would have acted on them. The sky was even lighter now and Sully knew what he had to do. He wanted to go first to Michaela but after that he would head straight for town to find Daniel before he left.
Michaela urged Flash on as she drew closer to town, praying that she would find Sully somewhere soon. The sense of calm that she had found holding Katie in the early hours of the morning had been replaced by a sick dread that began in her stomach and soon spread throughout her body. A light rain fell turning the path to mud and making stray wisps of hair cling to her face. Her own tears mixed with the rain that beat on her face as she dug her heels into Flash's side spurring her forward.
Slowing only as she hit the outskirts of town, her eyes spotted Dorothy leaving the general store with a basket of groceries on her arm. Quickly she trotted over to her. "Dorothy have you seen Sully this morning? I've been looking all over for him. " Her words tumbled out quickly as the urgency in her continued to grow.
Dorothy glanced up at Michaela noticing the distress on her face and her heart instantly went out to the doctor. "No Michaela, I haven't. What's wrong?"
"Oh Dorothy ... something terrible happened last night," Michaela began. Her chest tightening uncontrollably as the words came tumbling out. Somehow speaking them out loud made everything that had occurred feel more real. "You were right. Sully believes Daniel -- has feelings for me." Her hands shook as she said it and she swallowed hard against the wave of emotion that threatened to break on her at any moment.
"Oh dear ... " Dorothy exclaimed as the thought that she had in fact been right overwhelmed her.
"He became so upset… he walked out."
"He just needs some time to cool off," Dorothy reasoned as Michaela grew more visibly upset with each word.
"But I can't find him anywhere. What must he be thinking?"
"Michaela, Sully loves you. I've never seen a man so devoted to his wife." Her words were sure and her tone confident but Michaela still looked doubtful. "He'll be home. Don't you worry," she added reaching up to touch Michaela's hand.
Michaela nodded but then turned to ride off. She wanted to believe Dorothy but no one except for her had lived with him for the past few days. No one knew his anger and the way he had brooded over whatever was troubling him. The train whistle caught her attention and she slowly approached the train station, seeing Daniel's form on the bench. His face was set away from her but as she came closer he sensed her gaze and turned. Michaela felt his apology before a word was even spoken and though glad to see him there she couldn't shake the awkwardness either. Slowly she led Flash across the tracks and dismounted to meet Daniel on the platform. Both regarded each other tentatively, unsure how to begin or even what to say.
Michaela glanced at his bags situated near the benches. "Those benches must've been very uncomfortable," she began.
"I slept at the Gold Nugget."
"You didn't happen to find Sully there?"
"He left home?" Michaela nodded in response and quickly dropped her head as tears once again pooled in her eyes. Daniel sucked in sharply, longing to take away the pain she was feeling, knowing that he was responsible. He wanted to comfort her and almost lifted his hand to do so before he remembered himself. No longer could he pretend – it was time for her to know. "Michaela -- I'm so sorry about all this. Last thing I wanna do is make trouble for you 'n Sully "Michaela looked up at him composing herself, taking his words as a sign that he wanted to help.
"Then let's go find him. Tell him what nonsense he's been thinking, how absurd that is." Her voice was urgent as she began to step away from him yet the look on Daniel's face made her pause.
"I can't do that, Michaela" Daniel said his voice wavering.
"Why not?" Michaela asked fearing the answer. For the first time she had climbed up onto the platform, Daniel looked at her, really looked at her. Michaela felt her heart speed up as her body tensed in reaction to what she read in his face.
"'Cause it ain't nonsense." She froze, her body numb with his words. "What Sully's been thinkin' -- it's true."
Michaela shook her head, disbelief still clinging to her as she tried to wish the truth away. "No ... " she whispered, her voice hoarse with emotion.
"You're the finest woman I ever met…"
"Don't - Daniel, please... " she said wishing she could shove her fingers into her ears so that his confession wouldn't be cutting her to the quick as it was. It was true – it was true. If that was the case and Sully had known, what must he think of her?
"Sully's the best friend I ever had….An' that's why I gotta go." The shock was still apparent on Michaela's face but there was also compassion in her eyes as she looked at Daniel. She knew that what he had just admitted was not easy.
"Yes you should," she whispered. Daniel nodded as Michaela extended her hand. "Goodbye, Daniel."
Daniel took her hand feeling his heart break within him. Somehow everything had been turned upside down for him in the few days he had known her. This moment was like a lifetime. If they had met in another time, in another place things might have been different. He swallowed hard, reminding himself that what could have been was not reality. He had ruined a friendship and put Michaela's marriage in a precarious position. Reaching out to her, he shook her hand, his heart freezing within his chest.
Sully approached the platform, squinting to make out his wife and best friend from this distance. He had returned to the homestead only to find it deserted and Flash gone. Not knowing the best place to go first, he had headed to town hoping to find her at the clinic but now they were both before him – both the people he needed to make amends with.
"Michaela?" he called out, feeling the strain in his voice.
Michaela turned quickly, relieved to see him. She felt like running to him and wrapping her arms around him but apprehension paralyzed her as she wondered what he might do or say seeing her with Daniel once more. Sully moved closer, his eyes fixed on Daniel now. "Wanted to catch ya 'fore ya left."
Michaela suddenly felt like an interloper and she moved back some before turning to Sully. "I'll be at home," she whispered receiving only a brief nod in return. With one last sorrowful look at Daniel, she mounted Flash and rode off towards the homestead.
For a moment, they stood their watching her, the tension growing with the silence. "You're the luckiest man in the world, Sully" Daniel said. His voice was gentle but firm and Sully knew he was right. "An' I wish nothin' but ev'ry happiness for you both. " Sully nodded now, watching as Daniel struggled to find words to try and explain himself. "I never meant for this to happen. I just couldn't help my feelin's…..I'm sorry."
"So am I," Sully replied as he felt the wall he had built between himself and Daniel fall down with these few words.
Daniel glanced over at the train, knowing he had to leave but wishing he could stay. He had felt happier here than he had in a long time. True that part of that had to do with Michaela but Sully was also part of that. He would miss his best friend. "Seems like we're always puttin' so many miles between us."
"Miles don't matter," Sully replied feeling his heart flood with warmth for the man who stood before him. Daniel felt the ice melting as well and he smiled in relief as they shared a bittersweet look. Daniel extended his hand and Sully shook it, wanting to hold on but knew it was time for his friend to go.
"Say g'bye to Matthew for me. Katie 'n Brian. I'm gonna miss 'em."
"They're gonna miss you." His voice was warm and sincere as he moved toward the train.
"I'll let ya know where I am," he promised.
"Ya better," Sully teased. "'Cause I'm payin' ya back."
Daniel smiled, happy to see that healing really had taken place. "You bet ya are. Ev'ry last cent. " He stood in the doorway of the train as it pulled out of the station, watching Sully fade into the distance.
As the train grew further and further away, Sully turned toward his horse knowing he still had one more wall to knock down.
Michaela wasn't sure how long she had been home but it felt like forever as she waited for Sully's approach. The rain had stopped now but her damp clothes clung to her body, chilling her to the bone. She did nothing about it though, determined to see Sully the minute he rode up. With each passing moment, she grew more and more despondent. Again, she turned her head surveying the landscape before her, only to be disappointed once again. She turned now to step inside feeling more disheartened than before. The brief nod at the train station had been the one ray of hope she had clung to and now that felt as if it was being ripped from her.
At that moment was she was ready to give up, the sound of an approaching rider reached her ears and she turned quickly as her heart surged with joy. Relief flooded her body, softening the lines of her face as she stepped off the porch towards him. Hastily, Sully climbed down from the horse turning to face the women that he loved, knowing that he had so much to tell her. He could see the uncertainty in her face but still she moved towards him, her eyes never wavering from his. They stopped only a foot away from each other.
"I'm so glad that you're home," Michaela whispered, the relief obvious in her voice.
"It's the only place I wanna be," Sully assured her. He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her towards him, their lips crashing into each other in the sheer relief of the moment. Again and again they kissed, as forgiveness was sought and found in each other's arms. Feeling as if the first hurdle had been overcome, Sully relaxed and held her firmly against him. "There are so many things I want to tell ya," he whispered. "No – I need to tell ya."
Michaela pulled back and smiled fully up at him. "Let's go in the house," she suggested, glad that he was finally going to open up to her. Yet even as they climbed the steps hand in hand, it felt slightly strange to be so close. Once inside the door, he pulled her close again not wanting to let her go until he had spilled everything that was bottled up inside of him. "Why don't you start a fire and I'll make us some tea." Sully merely nodded and let go of her. Dropping his coat over the nearest chair, he moved to the fireplace to start a fire.
By the time Michaela had returned to the living room, Sully had a roaring fire going and she sat the tray down on the floor between them, curling her legs underneath her and leaning slightly towards him. He had brought his knees up to his chest and his head rested on the one closest to her. All pretenses had been dropped now – the look on his face was one of sheer vulnerability. Michaela reached over and took his hand in her own. "Tell me," she whispered the tea forgotten momentarily.
Sully met her eyes as he spoke wanting her to hear the truth of every word. "I never thought something was going on between Daniel and you… I never thought that. I know ya better than that." These words were exactly what Michaela needed to hear and she felt her body release the anger that it had been holding onto ever since this had begun. Sully began to speak again almost as if he was in a trance. He gripped Michaela's hands tightly but his eyes stared into the fire as the words began to flow. "I've failed at so many things in my life… I never wanted to fail you…" Michaela's heart went out to him but she repressed her own words for the moment knowing he needed to simply speak what was in his mind. "When my pa died he asked me to take care of my ma but I couldn't… I couldn't save her. I saw her depression growing every day but there was nothin' I could do."
"You were a little boy," Michaela interjected already feeling the depth of the pain he was sharing. His thoughts seemed almost disconnected as he spoke but Michaela quickly realized what had been going on.
Sully continued on as if he hadn't heard her speak. "My whole life always tryin' to prove myself… wasn't ever good enough… nothin' I did was ever good enough. Wasn't good enough to marry Abagail and even when I did I messed that up."
"How Sully? How did you mess that up?"
He turned now to look at her for the first time since he had begun to speak. "She needed a doctor…. and I…." his voice broke here as he struggled to keep from crying.
"You didn't know she needed a doctor. Charlotte did everything she could to save her. It wasn't your fault." She gave his hand a light squeeze wanting instead to pull him to her. It all made sense to her now… Sully had been feeling inadequate, like a failure. And she had only complicated matters by taking the money from Daniel.
His eyes drifted back to the fire. "Loren blamed me… just like that doctor did…. I couldn't even take the pain. I ran away just like I did last night. I'm sorry Michaela .. I should never have…"
"It's okay," she whispered. With one hand she slid the tray backwards and moved behind him wrapping her arms around him securely. She laid her face against his and waited for him to finish. His voice was barely more than a whisper now as he spoke. "We almost lost the house… and I couldn't do anything about it… I tried… I wanted to but in the end I failed again. Knowing that Daniel paid the money… that Daniel could give you a different life…"
Michaela heard the strangled sob in his throat and moved quickly to kneel in front of him. "Sully, I don't want a different life," she exclaimed her own eyes filling with tears. "That night that I was so upset… the night I thought we were going to lose all of this…. I only wanted you…. I only needed you. I can live without this house… I can't live without you."
Sully relaxed hearing her words and the tears began to fall. The first one tumbled down his cheek and Michaela moved to kiss where it had landed. "He could give you the world," he whispered reaching up to run his hand through her hair.
"Sully," she breathed out near his ear making his hair stand on end. "I don't want the world, only you." She pulled back to observe him.
"I'm sorry," he said his voice full of a warm sincerity. "I have never known anyone like ya. If I lost you…" again his voice quivered with emotion.
Michaela was moved by the raw emotion in his voice and she needed him in that moment more than she had ever needed him. Slowly she reached her hand up and touched his cheek with her fingertips. "Love me," she whispered wanting to feel completely at one with the man she loved.
Sully heard the intensity in her voice and he too felt drawn to her. Gone were the doubts that had plagued him for the last few days as she lovingly cupped his face in her hands and began to place soft kisses to his eyes and cheeks. He closed his eyes and simply reveled in the sensation of her warm lips against his skin, gasping in delight when she kissed him hard on the lips. Eagerly now they clung to one another, their kisses growing more and more heated as they renewed their love for one another without words.
Sully pulled back, his eyes lovingly combing her face as he brought a finger up to trace her kiss swollen lips. Michaela felt as if she couldn't still her hands and she ran them eagerly up and down his back and around to his chest. Sully pulled her close once more, their lips opening to one another as his body began to react to her proximity.
Gently Sully lowered them to the floor, cradling her head in his hands. Michaela felt his eyes roaming over her, their intensity burned indelibly upon her memory. His hand moved up to unbutton her shirt each lost in the other's eyes. The scent of rain clung to their skin filling the air with an unknown sweetness. He pushed her shirt open, his fingers already moving towards the ribbons of her camisole. As he untied each one, her chest heaved with longing urging Sully on. She lifted up slightly and in one swift motion, Sully pulled her shirt and camisole off. Michaela lowered herself back to the floor as Sully watched her. The rosy hue of her skin stirred him and he let one finger trace a path from her face downwards to her stomach. Moving so that he straddled her, he leaned down and placed a kiss in the valley between her breasts as his hands closed over her fullness on each side of his face. Michaela wrapped her arms around his head and stilled him against herself, taking in the warm sensations that were rippling through her body.
When she finally let go, Sully sat up and pulled his own shirt over his head needing to rid himself of all boundaries between them. Michaela slipped her hand underneath her waist, and quickly undid the button that held her skirt in place. She began to push at it with her hands but Sully completed the job for her and then divested himself of his own pants. She opened her body to him and he kneeled between her legs smiling down at her. Again, he reached up to run a single finger down her body but this time it didn't stop at her stomach. She shivered involuntary as he met her soft folds of flesh and continued on down her inner thigh.
Michaela brought her own hands to his shoulders and let them trace the outline of his body as well. She lingered over the cheeks of his backside pushing him down toward herself now. Sully smiled at her eagerness and wasted no time in placing one hand on either side of her head. Michaela hooked her legs around his as he began to lower himself to her. Their eyes locked as Sully joined them and the passion they found there spilled out shutting out everything but each other.
Softly she moaned against his ear, arching her head back in sheer pleasure. Sully's heart felt as if it might beat out of his chest. Here was the woman he loved heart, mind and soul joined as one with him in a way she would never be with anyone else. That stirred him deeply as he gasped "I love you," in her ear.
"Oh Sully," she cried out, her hands wandering down once again to his bottom where she encouraged his movements with a little additional pressure. Her breath came in heavy pants now, her arms clinging to him as they moved together. "There will never be anyone else for me," she whispered. "I'm yours."
That one thought drove Sully forward, his own body incredibly aroused at the thought that he possessed this amazing woman. She wanted him and him alone. They belonged to each other- to no one else. He felt her nails dig into his flesh and he pulled back so that he could see the pleasure on her face. The world was far away now. The only thing that mattered was here in front of him and he pushed on wanting her to feel his love in every possible way. "Sully," she cried out and he knew that urgency in her voice for he felt it himself. She gripped him tightly as he spilled inside of her the intensity of the moment overpowering both of them.
Without opening his eyes, his lips found hers and they kissed repeatedly. Tears flowed freely from both of them, mixing together as they shared hushed words of affirmation with one another. Never before had a lovemaking session spawned such a range of emotions but this one had while being deeply satisfying as well. He stayed joined with her for as long as possible, needing to feel that closeness. Yet eventually he moved to the side pulling her with him. Her hands continued to move sensually over his body wanting to touch every part of him.
"No more walls," Sully whispered into her hair placing a light kiss to her scalp. "I don't want anymore walls between us."
Michaela lifted her head slightly so that she could smile up at him. "No more," she agreed, reveling in the warmth they shared. "I think there may be one more wall that needs to come down," she whispered after a few moments had passed.
Sully looked at her perplexed by the statement. "One more wall?"
"Brian," she whispered then leaned in to kiss his chest. "I think he's afraid you're upset with him for writing the letter to Daniel in the first place." Sully nodded as the realization of how the events of the last few days had affected Brian began to sink in.
"Let's go together to pick him up," he suggested. "I don't want to be apart from you right now."
"Me either," Michaela agreed feeling a little like a newlywed who just discovered the joys of marital bliss.
The afternoon stretched out before them as they enjoyed every moment in each other's arms. They sat close together in front of the fire, kissing and caressing each other as if they were young people still courting. It was what they both needed though- to simply be close to one another and to be reminded of how in love they truly were. Eventually they dressed and ate a late lunch before heading off to town.
Michaela snuggled close to Sully as they rode along; stopping first at Becky's to pick up Katie. Sully hugged the baby close to himself and kissed her downy hair before handing her up to Michaela. He smiled widely at them, letting the fact that he had a family like this fill him with unspeakable joy.
By the time Brian was leaving the school house, they had parked the wagon in front. Both Michaela and Sully had climbed down to greet him. Michaela stood with Katie in her arms and Sully's hand around her shoulder. Brian smiled when he saw the look on both of his parents' faces. "Did Daniel leave?" he asked, stepping closer to his family.
"He did," Sully answered. Brian's face fell and Sully reached out to touch his shoulder. "Brian I know things have been tense for the past few days but I don't want ya to think this had anything to do with ya."
Brian nodded somewhat nervously. "I shouldn't have written that letter," he whispered apologetically.
"No – I'm glad you wrote that letter," Sully replied.
"But why?"
"Cause I got to see my oldest and closest friend. 'Cause it reminded me how very lucky I am to have a son who wants to help us in anyway he can. 'Cause it reminded me how lucky I am to have the family I got." He smiled over at Michaela and reached his hand out towards Katie. "Sometimes Brian we think that we can do things on our own. We forget how much we need each other. I have lost sight of that over the last few days."
"That's alright, Pa," Brian said stepping into Sully's embrace. Sully smiled down at him and then reached for his wife and daughter as well. Together they stood for a moment, their bodies close together forming a circle of love. This was his family and nothing could change that. No longer would the walls be built between them but around them, holding them close together to weather any storm that life might send their way.
Hope you enjoyed this last segment! Thanks for reading and thanks to Martiza for the story suggestion!