Who We Are

It felt like everything was folding in on itself, gunshots and shouting and everything else that came hand-in-hand with a desperate fight sounding as if he were listening to it through a tunnel. For the briefest of moments that's all there was, and Tom found himself flat on the ground, the realization that his ears were ringing from a hard blow taking a beat longer than it should have to come to him. He barely rolled out of the way of the boot that had meant to come crashing down against his chest.

He caught his attacker, swinging a leg out and taking his out from under him at the knees. Tom used the momentum of the kick to continue around and pop to his feet as the other man fell, and he was on him instantly, getting one good blow in before he saw the knife out of his peripheral and reached to catch his attacker's wrist, fighting to keep the sharp blade away from him. He wrestled it away and in one quick, instinctive motion, he had slit the other man's throat, dark eyes going wide as Tom pinned him down with blood everywhere. It didn't take long for the light to leave them and Tom sat back.

"Keen? Tom? We found her," Donald Ressler said from behind him and Tom looked up.

"Agnes?" he confirmed, his daughter's name leaving his lips in a raspy breath.

"Yeah. Liz has her. Any of that your blood?"

Tom didn't wait to answer him, but was up and moving faster than his feet should have been able to carry him in the direction of his family. He blew through the door, breathing hard, and saw Liz holding Agnes with tears in her eyes. She looked back at him. "We did it. She's safe. She's okay."

He moved towards them, reaching out for her, but stopped before actually touching her. His hands were drenched in the man's blood, and no matter how hard he wiped them on his jeans, it wouldn't all come off.

"Any of it yours?" Liz asked hesitantly.

"Not much," he managed, his chest tight as he finally dropped his hands back down to his sides. He couldn't hold her, couldn't comfort her. He'd fought with everything he had for his innocent little girl, and at the moment that seemed to matter most, he couldn't even hold her.

Liz woke to the feeling of the bed shifting, and it took her a moment to piece together where she was. She wasn't being held by Kirk and she wasn't in the little safe house Red had set up. She was in the apartment that she and Tom had just signed the lease for, in the bed they had just bought, her daughter sleeping in the room right next to theirs, and they were safe. Well, as safe as they could be.

She blinked into the darkness, finding the other side of the bed empty. She reached out. The sheets were still warm from where he'd been sleeping, so he's only just gotten up. A glance towards the bathroom showed that no light was on and slowly Liz pulled herself up. Maybe Agnes had been crying and she hadn't heard her.

Bare feet met wood floors and Liz shivered, adding house slippers to her ever growing list of items that needed to be replaced. She ran her hands up and down her arms and padded around the bed and out into the living room, finding Tom on the couch, his gaze distant and pained. She cleared her throat, pulling his attention over. "Couldn't sleep?"

He shook his head and swallowed hard. "Didn't mean to wake you."

"You're fine." She moved to the adjoined kitchen and pulled the kettle out of the drawer, filling it with water and setting it on the stove before she shuffled back towards him to wait until the water had boiled. She plopped down next to him, pulled her knees up to her chest, and listed to the side until she was leaned up against him. "House slippers and a good afghan for the couch," she murmured. "It's freezing in here. Are you not cold?"

Her husband shrugged and she looped her arm through his, a little surprised when he didn't wrap an arm around her to try and warm her up. "Did Agnes wake you up?" He shook his head again and she frowned. "Tom. Babe, look at me."

He did as she asked and underneath the careful mask of nothing she saw a glimpse of something he was trying to hide. Well, he didn't get to, she thought irritably. "What's wrong?"

He cleared his throat, but it didn't seem to help a great deal, as his voice was still raspy as he spoke. "Just a dream. No big deal."

Liz frowned and the kettle started to sing. "We have a rule," she reminded him as she stood, "that we don't lie to each other. You'd have turned over and gone back to sleep if it wasn't a big deal."

He didn't say anything as she moved over to the kitchen again, poured the boiling water into two mugs, and set a tea bag in either one. He finally looked up of his own volition and reached hands that Liz now saw were trembling for it, mumbling his thanks along the way. She frowned and sat next to him again, the brewing tea heating the mug that heated her hands. "Talk to me?"

Tom sighed and she saw a crack in his mask. "I can't," he murmured softly.

"Why not?" He tensed a little at that and Liz loosed a long breath. "You trust me?"

"You know I do," he answered automatically.

"Then trust me to be here for you, please? You and me and all the impossible things." That pulled a small chuckle from him and Liz smiled softly. "You don't have to face it by yourself."

He took a long sip of the steaming tea. "I was dreaming about Agnes. About rescuing her."

"Shouldn't that be a happy dream?"

"I couldn't even hold her," he whispered, and his voice sounded so broken. "I couldn't touch her. My little girl… I couldn't…"

"Babe…"

He squeezed his eyes shut and the dam seemed to crack. "I don't know what I'm doing, Lizzie. I can fight, I can track people down, I can piece together clues and come up with an answer. I can kill…. I can be anyone. That's what I was trained to do. That's what I was trained to be, but I have no idea how to be a father. Ever since she was born I've been fighting to protect her and then to find her. It's all I'm good at, but when it came down to it, I was covered in a guy's blood from slitting his throat. I don't…"

Liz leaned forward to set her mug on the table and then took his before tea ended up everywhere. She sat back and held his hand, finding rare tears in her husband's exhausted eyes. "Take your time," she encouraged softly, tightening her grip in support.

He squeezed his eyes shut and a couple of the tears escaped. "How does someone like that raise someone as innocent as Agnes? I don't know how to be a father," he whispered brokenly. "That moment… It was like this flashing light, you know? This is who you are. It's all…" His voice cracked and he blinked his eyes open again, misery filling them. "It was only a matter of time, I guess. I just… I don't want..."

Liz shifted so she was facing him and her free hand went to the back of his neck. He let her guide him, and her eyes drifted closed as she kissed him. He was hesitant at first, more hesitant than he'd been in a long time with her, but she pulled him in deeper, her fingers still intertwined with his and when they finally broke she watched his eyes flutter open. "What was that?" he managed, and just for a moment she was standing on the snowy street again, asking him to be honest. He had been tonight. It had been painful and raw, and she could see it in his eyes that he thought this would end the dream he wanted so badly with her.

"That was I love you," she answered, a little out of breath from the kiss. "That was I trust you and that we're going to do this together. I know you, Tom Keen. I know who you've chosen to be, even if it's hard. Even if at three in the morning with all our demons knocking at the door you don't see it, I do. You love that little girl in there with everything you have and I know you love me. We'll figure this out together."

He was staring at her with wide eyes, unblinking, and finally the rest of the walls he'd been trying so desperately to hide behind crumbled and he was in her arms, clinging to her and Liz held on tight. "I have you," she promised as he shook in her arms. "I'm not letting go."

She had no idea how long they sat there like that, her heart breaking for him and all his terrors laid bare, but she didn't let go. They both had so many demons to face, so many things to learn, and they couldn't do it alone. Together, though, they had a fighting chance to give Agnes the life she deserved, and if there was one thing they had proven it was that they were willing to fight for their little girl. It was who they were. Together, they could win this war.

Notes: Ryan has done a couple of interviews saying something to the extent of Tom will see if he can be a father this season and when Agnes was taken in last night's episode... I needed to cope. So here we go. Break down Tom being comforted by Liz. This is something I need at some point this season. Desperately.