Be There

He had been determined to have something for them to eat by the time Liz got through the shower. It had been everything they could do to tear themselves away from the pieces of evidence that they had been sorting through, but on some level they knew they couldn't sink so far into the search that they drove themselves into the ground. That wouldn't do Agnes any good.

So Liz had opted for a shower in the tiny bathroom attached to the makeshift safe house and Tom had started rummaging through the cabinets to try to find something they could eat. He'd managed to find the makings for grill cheese sandwiches, moving mostly on autopilot, before he just stopped, eyes focused over the counter to the empty crib in the corner.

Tom had always had a talent for compartmentalizing. It was how he had survived as long as he had. He was able to put things aside and focus, but right then, in a moment when he was standing alone in the little kitchen that wasn't theirs with their daughter missing, he felt the helplessness of the situation crashing down around him.

He reached out, palms against the counter as he leaned heavily on it, unable to push back at the emotions that had been threatening to overwhelm him. There was no enemy in front of him to throw a punch at and while he's been determined to hold it together for Liz so that she wouldn't have anything else added to her stress, she wasn't standing with him. It was like a wave had washed over him and now there was no way to fight it back as everything he had pushed aside broke free.

He'd failed her. That tiny, innocent, perfect little girl that had been depending on him. He had failed to keep her safe. He'd failed Liz when she had depended on him to bring their daughter to safety. If he had just fought a little harder, given a little more, maybe Agnes would have been safe right then. Maybe she would be in her mother's arms and Liz could smile that smile that was like a beacon of light in the darkness. But he hadn't. He'd failed them both in it, and now… Now he couldn't push back the helplessness he felt in it all. He swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes shut, desperate to rebalance himself.

"Tom?"

Blue eyes popped back open, finding his wife staring worriedly at him, her wet hair hanging loose and a fresh set of clothes on. He swallowed hard. He hadn't even heard the water shut off, much less the door open. "I, uh… Found some bread and some cheese. How do you feel about grilled cheese?" he managed, having to clear his throat halfway through. It still didn't do a great deal of good.

She was staring at him like all his secrets were laid out in front of her. Liz rounded the counter with a pained expression etched into her face and reached for him. He took her hand. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

She looked up at him, her expression saying that she was searching for the right words. Finally, she squeezed his hand. "For whatever I did to make you think you couldn't lean on me too. I know I'm…" She pulled in a deep breath and a hollow laugh escaped her. "I don't always say it, but I'm here for you too, Tom. You don't have to hold it together for both of us all the time."

He winced a little at the pinpoint accuracy of her assessment and any argument he might have given died before it passed his lips. He felt her pull him closer and they were holding onto each other in the middle of the kitchen. "I'll try not to shut you out if you can promise me the same," she whispered and he tightened his hold.

"I should have been able to protect her," he managed, voice breaking. "I shouldn't have left you two alone until we knew we were safe… Shouldn't have… I'm so sorry, Lizzie," he choked. He felt her grip around him loosen and all at once he knew he'd said something wrong. He didn't think he could handle her putting distance between them right then. He couldn't take it.

Liz didn't step back, though, but instead she reached up to the side of his face, her touch gentle and he saw the tears brimming her own eyes. She slid her hand until her fingers were lightly gripping his chin, guiding him to meet her gaze. "You did everything in your power to protect her. I don't question that. I haven't questioned that once since everything fell apart. And we are going to find her and she is going to be safe. You and I are too stubborn to accept anything less."

A pained chuckle escaped him and she tipped up on her toes to press an encouraging kiss to his lips. He could taste tears in it, but he wasn't sure if they were hers or his. When they parted, he started to think it might have been both.

"You're always so positive. It drives me crazy," she confessed softly. "It's like… I have no idea how you can possibly see that side of it with all the horrible things around us."

He gave a small shrug and her lips thinned out into an almost-smile. "I forget sometimes, because of that… I know you're hurting as much as I am. Don't try to deal with it on your own, please? Nothing good is going to come out of that."

"Promise me the same?"

"Yep."

Tom leaned forward, his forehead resting against hers. "Thank you."

"I love you," she murmured, her hand finding his. "And we're going to find her."

"Love you too."

She squeezed his hand. "You said something about grilled cheese? You want me to-"

"Oh no," he cut in with a weak laugh. "No reason to burn the place down."

"Hey now."

"Hey now," he teased and kissed her forehead, "I promised you I wouldn't lie to you."

She snorted and shook her head, reaching up to run her thumb under his eye and brush away some of the lingering dampness there. He reached a hand up to hers and pressed a kiss to her palm. Food was first, and then they could dive back in. He hadn't realized how much he needed a verbal confirmation of Liz's support. It couldn't fix everything, but it helped ease the pain. More than that, it gave him hope. They would be there for each other, and when they found Agnes - because they would find their daughter - they would support her together. They didn't have to do this alone.

Notes: To quote Tom from S1, I just need them together and safe. Seriously. These two are unstoppable together.

The second episode is up for the podcast, for those that are listening. If you found it through FFN, please drop me a line on SoundCloud or YouTube! I'd love to know :D