It was late when Liz finally slipped back into the makeshift apartment that she and Tom had been staying in. Every time she had tried to go back her temper had flared again and she took just one more lap around the block. By the time she finally forced herself into the warehouse she had lost track of how many laps that had turned out to be, but there was a numbness that had taken over, an exhaustion weighing on her so heavily that she didn't feel like she could make it another full round. Maybe, just maybe, she could let sleep wash away at least a little bit of the pain.
She wasn't sure if she had expected Tom to be there or not when she slipped back in. She partially hoped he had taken his own walk and wouldn't be back until after she fell asleep. She knew she didn't want to fight about it anymore right then, but just thinking about it was making her blood boil. After everything they'd been through, after all the work they had put into rebuilding the trust they had in one another, and right after she had chosen to trust him to be okay with the operation to get the virus away from Kirk…. It just hurt that he couldn't have the same faith in her own skills.
And now they couldn't even see their daughter. They couldn't even know for sure she was okay.
The lights were mostly off when she entered and she spotted Tom sitting on the floor, nose nearly touching the file he was looking at, and he didn't look up as she entered. Maybe it was for the best. They could just try to ignore each other until their tempers had cooled fully.
She changed for bed, avoiding actually saying anything as she did, and crawled in, finally risking a look at him.
Tom sat hunched over the file, focused on it, but she saw signs of puffiness around his eyes. It was hard to tell at that angle, but they looked a little red, and his expression was so blank that she realized after a moment that it wasn't focus, at least not on what he was looking at, but on keeping his expression neutral. He must have felt her staring because he looked up at her, clearing his throat, but his voice was still a little off. "You need me to shut down the light?"
"Are you not going to get any sleep?" she asked carefully.
He motioned to the pillow at his back. "I'll sleep down here."
She snorted and flopped hard into the narrow bed. "Fine."
A frustrated sigh came from behind her. "Okay, Liz, what do you want me to do?"
Her temper flared at his tone and she was whirling on him before she even gave herself permission. "I wanted you to trust me, but apparently that was too much to ask," she snapped.
"It's not you I don't trust, Liz," he answered, his voice tight. "It's him. I know you want him to have some better motive, but he's not Sam. He's not a good man. He's going to hurt our little girl. Or worse."
Liz watched as the emotions flickered across his expression like that had earlier that evening, changing from frustrated to devastated and everything in between. "He's not McCready either," she said quietly and watched him freeze.
There it was. She had found it, and a few of the loose pieces fell into place. Fathers. Tom had told her again and again that Bill McCready hadn't been a father to him, but she had never quite been able to shake the feeling that he was just repeating what the man had told him throughout his life. He had no home. He had no family. The only person to accept him had been the Major and he had made damn sure that Jacob Phelps knew that even though he was raising him, he didn't see him as a son.
But Tom had called him Bud when he wasn't watching himself. The connection had been there, even if it was one sided, and that was the closest connection he had to a father. That's what he was clicking in his mind. As angry as she was still, she felt a little of her temper give way to understanding.
"I don't see-"
"Don't you dare," Liz growled, swinging her legs around and over the edge of the bed. "You want to do this again, you better be honest with me. If you can't do that, you're welcome to go sleep outside for all I care."
He flinched back and she saw a bit of his defensive wall give way as he looked down to his hands in his lap. "I just wanted to protect her," he managed, and Liz heard her own words from earlier that evening echoed in his voice. "I…" He swallowed hard, his voice lost to the emotions that looked ready to bubble over.
Liz slid to the floor with him. "Go on."
"I should have been more careful. If I'd seen the tail in Cuba, none of this would have happened. If I'd waited… If I hadn't assumed we were safe… I should never have left you alone there. I should have fought harder when they took her away." He ran a trembling hand through his hair. "If she's hurt it's all my fault."
"It's not all on you, you know," Liz murmured. "I had her for a few minutes too. Kirk wants her because she's my daughter."
He snorted softly, a mirthless laugh riding out on the breath. "But at least you can do something about it. You have your team, but unless Reddington decides he needs an expendable operative… I'm stuck with stuff here that we've gone over a thousand times. I'm completely useless here and we're no closer to finding her."
"And what you did didn't bring us any closer either," Liz snapped before she gave herself permission.
She saw him shrink back. "I'm sorry," he managed, voice barely above a whisper.
Liz closed her eyes and forced a deep breath through her nose. "Me too. I said some things… I shouldn't have. I know you're worried too."
"Understatement."
"It's just… You know I kind of do this for a living right? The whole profiling people? I'm pretty good at it."
He tried for a smile and failed pretty spectacularly. "I'm usually a lot better on my end than I was today."
"Can we promise not to shut each other out?"
Tom blinked hard, his gaze catching hers. "Yeah."
"Okay," she whispered. Slowly she started to stand, but his voice stopped her.
"Liz, are we okay?"
It was so small. Like he wasn't sure he wanted the answer.
She pursed her lips. "I'm still really pissed at you," she said slowly. She watched his shoulders slump and reached out to touch his hand. "But I love you, and as long as you don't lie to me, we will be," she added quietly. "Come on. I'm not going to make you sleep on the floor."
He let her lead him to the bed and he crawled in after her so that they were facing each other. He was watching her carefully. "I shouldn't have lied to you," he murmured. "Or gone around behind your back."
Tears blurred her vision and she inched a little closer. "I'm scared, Tom."
"So am I."
"What if we don't get her back?"
"We will. We have to."
She nodded and felt his tentatively hand reach for hers under the sheets. She took hold of it and held on tight, the tears finally escaping. "Don't ever do that again," she managed. "I told you I can't lose you too."
Tom pulled in a shaky breath and wrapped an arm around her. "I know, and I'm sorry."
Liz tightened her hold. Tomorrow would be a new day and maybe Red's lead would pan out. They had to get to her. She was depending on them. Both of them.
Notes: So, I've had this ready since Saturday, but between homecoming at my alma matter, being halfway sick and then some, and everything inbetween, I'm just now getting this up. I need these two to talk it out on Thursday so badly. It looks like they are, but between them and Samar and Aram... my shipper heart is still in pieces.
The podcast is up for anyone that listens! Hope you enjoy :)