A/N 1: Boring watch. Bored log recorder. Bored watch supervisor. Bored me. Challenge of 101 sentences and the results thereof. Doing what should be impossible – slaughtering the bad ass. Enjoy.
A/N 2: Some of these are really random – they stretch back to shows and movies from the 80s in some cases - in others, to stuff from decades before! Kudos to all of you who recognize every single reference! (high fives)
Disclaimer: I in no way own Sephiroth, Masamune, copious amounts of cash or any of the other random characters/item/things/et cetera that appear in this fic - they all belong to their respective creators and those rich enough to have them. Don't sue; I'm only an E5 in the USN, therefore I have no money. Ha.
-BEGIN FIC-
101 Deaths of Sephiroth
1
The lack of response when he shouted "BOLT 3!" surprised him – nothing resulted when he needed magic the most.
(crushed in battle after being materia-jacked by Yuffie)
2
Participating in the races on foot was not an intelligent decision at the Golden Saucer.
(run over by chocobos)
3
"Hey Sephy, we ought to hit up that old church down in the lower levels of Midgar and I can introduce you to my girlfriend and we can go out for dinner right before I go pick up that kid I've been telling you about – you know, the one trying to make it into SOLDIER – and head off for the training grounds so we can give him some pointers and-"
(Zack – does anything more need to be said?)
4
As if one giant red dog creature wasn't enough, now there had to be a damned pack – and none of them appreciated being referred to as 'rabid curs.'
(taken down by Red XIII and cubs)
5
For a moment, he was more concerned with finding a shirt than he was with summoning Masamune when Cloud flew down into North Crater.
(butchered before initiating attack)
6
Brandishing his sword and flaring with power, he was surprised when the only reaction he got was the twitching of the woman's nose.
(who knows what Samantha just did?)
7
"And I would've gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling kids!" he shouted even as he was dragged away by the authorities to live the rest of his days in the loony ward.
(old age, rotting away after being captured by the Mystery Machine Gang and their dog)
8
He danced in triumph as the planet was cleared of human life; at least, his celebrations lasted until the power grid for the base shut down, the heating went away and the Taun Tauns were left as the only comfortable creatures worldwide.
(frozen on Hoth)
9
He grunted as he glared at the portrait of the woman in Hojo's laboratory, loudly professing, "she looks like a skank."
(shot by Vincent for daring to blaspheme Lucrecia)
10
Sephiroth had never suspected that chicobos had damned overprotective parents.
(flayed by chocobos)
11
The last conscious thought he had was that the ugly castle on the horizon had to go down – after that, his giant morphed body tromped without mercy towards the glistening headquarters of the five robot lion pilots.
(turned into robeast by Hagar, predictably crushed)
12
The scar-faced warrior fell with a handy swipe of the overly long katana – but the screech of a bird and the glow of fire saw Lionheart burst into reality.
(Lionheart limit break after Phoenix Pinion activates)
13
After the small green-clad kid ran into the room, suddenly the One Winged Angel regretted his decision to ally himself with Ganandorf; those little arrows hurt, damn it.
(turned into a pincushion)
14
Blinking, the General stared as the blond kid cackled and typed something into his suit's onboard computer – professing the genocide was the answer would be Sephiroth's last mistake.
(ZERO-system Quatre)
15
After listening to the Latin chants of "Liberi Fatali" instead of his personal theme song, he was seated next to the story's protagonist and not allowed to escape.
(drowned in FF8 angst)
16
Staring with huge eyes, he wondered why the semi truck he was disassembling had decided to errantly move on its own.
(smashed by Optimus Prime)
17
He had been thoroughly enjoying poking the latex-clad idiot children with his katana – right until they summoned their giant dinosaur robots.
(decimated by Power Rangers)
18
The announcer grinned under the bright lights, pumping his fist in the air as he proclaimed, "and in this corner, the one, the only, the Hulk!"
(destroyed in pro wrestling)
19
The silver-haired man learned yet another important lesson – even if he wears his underwear on the outside of his clothes, don't insult the man who is faster than a speeding bullet and more powerful than a locomotive.
(pissed off Superman)
20
"Why, you think you can hurt me, little man?" was the snort that flowed from his lips as he glowered at the beast who'd strangely slid claws from the backs of his hands.
(picked a fight with Wolverine)
21
Sephiroth couldn't help but stare as Masamune twisted itself into the shape of a flower – the old man in his purple helmet sneered.
(faced off with Magneto)
22
He swore, this time against the Keyblade Master would be his last!
(concussion from Keyblade to the skull)
23
Thumping the gloves that covered his hands together, he snarled as he glowered at his opponent; the man known as Rocky Balboa smirked.
(fist to the face in final round)
24
He would always ponder why real estate was so cheap – so far as he could see, there was nothing wrong with this 'Elm Street.'
(slaughtered by Freddy)
25
Who knew that ignoring the whining of a giant plant would be so deadly?
(Feed me, Seymore!)
26
While wading in the water, the last thing he heard was "du dun… du dun…."
(eaten by giant shark)
27
He never saw the unexplained coma, the three love affairs centric around him and the devastating birth of his crack-addled live-in's love child coming.
(wasted away in General Hospital)
28
Standing on a landing strip does not stop the landing of the protagonist airship, nor does it accommodate destroying said airship – it only accommodates the ability to experience what a speed bump feels when hit.
(landed on by Highwind)
29
He narrowed his eyes, saying the first thing that came to mind – "Pinhead."
(slaughtered by Hellraiser)
30
He'd never realized the woman he'd just butchered was beloved of an ape.
(smashed by King Kong)
31
The lab was still and silent as the egg slowly began to peel open.
(infested with aliens)
32
He'd never listened to the words of the wise, including those that uttered, "Never piss off the Dungeon Master."
(warped to who knows where by the Dungeon Master)
33
He snorted as he watched the fiery phoenix plane soar overhead, snarking, "What do they think they can do?"
(whipped by G-force)
34
How was he supposed to know the vehicle he'd been commissioned to drive in the great race was made of solid gold?
(melted with the Mammoth Car by Speed Racer)
35
He grimaced as his companion stated, "I tried to think of something that could never harm us; yep, it's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man."
(creamed)
36
He snorted as he glanced at the vehicle that was pacing him – hoe dare any black Chrysler challenge the Great Sephiroth!
(run over by Christine)
37
With a glower, he shook his head at the woman upon her throne and said, "sure, SeeD; wait until you experience the might of me."
(time kompressed)
38
Chuckling, the silver-haired man looked at the spiky-haired boy and shook his head, saying, "I care not if you are 'Kamui'; the Planet is mine to destroy!"
(splattered by Chi no Ryu's Kamui across all of the city)
39
PI-KA-CHUUUUUU!"
(electrocution)
40
Why he agreed to stand in for that Kauruo kid was beyond him; the semblance of silvery hair and angelic nature did fool the producers while the child took a 'potty break' though.
(head popped off by Unit 01)
41
"It's clobberin' time!"
(stood in the way of the Thing)
42
Feeding them after midnight was the last thing he'd ever do.
(midnight snack for Gremlins)
43
"I'll be back," drew no fear from the One-Winged Angel – he snorted and shook his head.
(terminated)
44
He chased the fleeing yellow creature as swiftly as he could, Mako burning in his veins with the excitement of the impending kill – the consumption of a large pellet, however, ended the chase more abruptly than Sephiroth had suspected.
(chomped by Pac-Man)
45
After having black paint spill onto his head, he simply couldn't shake the strange creature's affections.
(gagged to death on fumes from skunk)
46
Charging the row of silly looking pastel colored bears, he screamed as he swung Masamune just before he heard them cry, "Care Bear Stare!"
(he CARES!)
47
The short little plumber looked like easy prey – until he had a hammer, that is.
(Mario Brothers hammer)
48
He watched the strange purple bird vanish in a puff of dust with a squawk of 'meep meep,' right before he heard the whistling of some errantly placed trap springing at the most inopportune time.
(caught in Wile E Coyote trap)
49
He smirked as he flung the dual-tailed fox right off the floating airship – right until he saw a ball of blue barreling his way.
(mowed down by Sonic)
50
The little green lizard shuffled away – yet another fool had underestimated it.
(Tonberry)
51
He didn't pity the fool.
(pummeled by Mr. T)
52
"Get over here!"
(speared by Mortal Kombat's Scorpion)
53
The silver-haired angel knew he was losing it – the woman had vanished from right before his eyes, and now he could swear he heard a lasso whistling through the air.
(strangled by Wonder Woman)
54
"Boot to the head."
(Nah nah!)
55
Staring in disbelief as Masamune was cut to pieces, he resisted the urge to snivel as the man in the huge helmet professed, "Nothing stands to the power of the Shwartz!"
(faced off with Dark Helmet)
56
He'd never known such retribution lay in store for burning down a Kindergarten in City X.
(stomped by Power Puff Girls)
57
The doll looked so innocent when he first took it out of the box.
(activated Chucky)
58
"I am your father," Sephiroth snarked from within his costume of black machinery and flapping fabric, drawing satisfaction from the blond's scream of "Nooooo!"
(we all know what happened at the end of 'Return of the Jedi.' C'mon.)
59
He blended in perfectly with the other strange creatures descending from the sky – soon, that planet below would be theirs, regardless of their single cannon's ability to defend!
(blasted along with the rest of the Space Invaders)
60
He never believed it when they professed the simple piece of plastic could never be contained or overpowered.
(death by spork)
61
All he heard was the roar of a motor.
(run down by Road Warrior)
62
As he passed through the giant gates, the island seemed peaceful.
(torn apart by velociraptors)
63
The girl on the horse smiled before touching her belt; with a spray of rainbow colors, suddenly his world was no longer so gray.
(he CARES! Again!)
64
Whoever thought a cross dresser could be so mean?
(Psycho)
65
The One-Winged Angel had always loved carrots – he never noticed the cackling coyote 'super-genius' nearby.
(exploded from eating nitro-glycerin laced carrot)
66
Clowns never scared him.
(discovered It)
67
It was shocking, to say the least, to discover that all of his magic and all of his skill with the sword was nothing compared to the might of an ogre's flatulence.
(gassed by Shrek)
68
Striding without fear, he cared not that he was walking underneath an overhang of the ACME factory.
(crushed by cartoon anvil)
69
As much as he stared, he could see no end of the barrels.
(unending stage of Mario Brothers)
70
Those damned little needles really, really hurt – and to make matters worse, the mother of all cactaurs was running his way.
(FF8's Jumbo Cactaur)
71
"By the power of Greyskull!" was the last thing he'd heard his opponent utter.
(crushed by He-Man)
72
With a sneer on his lips, he gripped his blade and fell into battle position – the giant lizard emerging from the ocean would never stand a chance (or so he thought).
(stomped by Godzilla)
73
"So, how is that 'Omnislash' supposed to work again?"
(omnislashed)
74
As he decided to go after the man single-handedly, the Colonel warned him – "Bring your own body bag."
(faced off with Rambo)
75
For some odd reason, the man wasn't impressed with his sheer bad-assness; rather, he glared at him and snorted "Whatever."
(aneurism from inability to impress early-game Squall)
76
"Are ya feelin' lucky, punk?"
(shot)
77
He'd only make the mistake of kicking Snarf once.
(Thundercats Ho!)
78
He blandly stared at the girl that professed he was a Negacreep, right before commenting on her meatball-shaped buns.
(death by tierra)
79
He stared as a green-suited plumber flashing bright pastel colors ran directly towards him – it was the last thing he would ever see.
(invincibility star)
80
While playing with a giant Rubix cube, the One-Winged Angel discovered that it was actually an inhabited space vessel and those inhabitants were not happy.
(fried by BORG)
81
"HULK SMASH!"
(smashed)
82
He chuckled along with his companion – the Foot were more than capable of taking down a quartet of silly reptiles.
(on the wrong side of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
83
He rolled his eyes, turning his back to the duck that professed, "I am the terror that flaps in the night!"
(tossed off bridge by Darkwing Duck)
84
That morning, he pondered, "Why am I short, stubby and wearing an orange hoodie?"
(mistaken for Kenny)
85
"You will be assimilated."
(assimilated by BORG)
86
He smirked as he rose from the reeds, pointing mockingly at the man with the gun who'd failed to hit even a single duck.
(stand-in for the Duck Hunt dog (tell me you didn't shoot him in the face.))
87
Sephiroth found it hysterically ridiculous – how could anyone be afraid of vegetables?
(attacked by Killer Tomatoes)
88
"I will love him and hug him and squeeze him and cuddle him and I will name him George."
(crushed)
89
Calling Masamune forth, he was shocked to find a giant key in his left hand.
(wankage of Kingdom Hearts)
90
"By Mother, the flower-girl had larger breasts," he snarked to the spunky red-haired sorceress.
(beaten into unrecognizable pulp then incinerated by Dragon Slave)
91
His prey fled swiftly, its chubby arms waving in desperation until it reached a bone – upon ingestion thereof, the tables turned suddenly; Masamune was a nice toothpick.
(eaten by Trog dinosaur)
92
He couldn't move – as if trapped by some horrible spell, he stared with wide eyes as the T-Rex wrapped its forelimbs around him and squeezed with a smile.
(crushed by Barney in Stuuuuupendous!Friendship Hug)
93
He glowered at his new shirt, hating its bright red coloration.
(extra on Star Trek TOS)
94
He snorted quietly as he glowered at the person standing outside of his metal enclosure's solitary clear panel, taunting with a sneer, "press the button – no balls."
(Sephiroth in a Microwave)
95
Why was it that whenever a sidekick was kicked (as was befitting his station – being kicked in the side and all), a roundhouse kick to the face always followed?
(roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris)
96
"Beat you I will!" was not a profession that Sephiroth thought to take seriously – the muppet was going down.
(challenged Yoda)
97
He never knew there was such a thing as 'Sephiroth Season.'
(shot by Elmer Fudd)
98
The blade swung to the left, then swiftly to the right before the mass of furballs buried him completely.
(suffocated by tribbles)
99
Cloud approached with a smile, waving a folder thick with paper before him and professing, "According to the yaoi community, we make a grand couple, pookie."
(ritual suicide)
100
He poked the small marshmallow-shaped thing with giant eyes with Masamune, right before it inhaled.
(swallowed by Kirby)
101
Walking into the E3 Convention was the last thing he'd ever do.
(mobbed by fangirls/fanboys)
-end-
Ahhh, now I feel obligated to add a 102: Toasted by the flames the authoress of this stupid story (and through participation, her coworkers) receive for daring to butcher Sephiroth in 101 ridiculously dumb ways.
Please review! I'd love to know what your favorites are.
And flames are welcome. They keep me warm in winter.
(lobs her Ansem plushie at the monitor, grinning with satisfaction as it collides with a shout of "SUBMIT!")