Episode tag: 4.12

The Thought of Losing Him

The thought of losing him shook her to her bones. It was a difficult thing for her to admit, even to herself at times, that someone could affect her so deeply. She had faced the possibility so many times before. Zamani, the boat, the heist gone so wrong, his former handler, and several times over she nearly lost him to Kirk. Those were just the times she knew that he'd almost been killed, and that didn't count the times when they had been driven apart in an emotional level. She wasn't sure which was more terrifying to her: the idea of him dying or the thought of him being swept back up into Red's world - into the world that he himself had said he wanted to leave behind - and waking up one day and simply not recognizing him.

Liz loosed a breath and took a heavy seat on their bed, listening to the sound of the shower running behind the closed door. She loved him, but she didn't want to lose him in any way. She didn't want to shut him out or push him away, but the fear that was building up inside of her was hard to fight, and wasn't that all they knew? Maybe all they were good at? What was supposed to happen when the fighting stopped? This was what they had been fighting for, but what if it wasn't enough? She couldn't be the one to hold him back and have him resent her for it years down the road for asking him to essentially just play another role and ignore the fact that while he might enjoy teaching, covert work was what he was good at. Really good at. And when it was with the Task Force, she was fine with it. It was just the idea of him working with Red…. They had been so damn close to something like normal.

The door to the bathroom opened and steam poured out. Liz looked up, startled, and realized that she hadn't even registered the water turning off. Tom stepped out, still toweling his hair dry, and Liz found her gaze drifting up and down. He had so many scars now. It was strange to think about it, because the scars that he had had the first time they had gotten married were light and easily explainable, not the signs of a knife ripping him open or three bullets tearing through his gut at close range. Or the two that he'd taken from his ex either. Or the long scar that was left from one of the Germans he'd been investigating tortured him for information. Or the one mostly hidden by his dark hair from an exceptionally hard blow that one of Kirk's men had used to knock him out and transport him to do his own grave. Or-

"Liz? Are you alright?"

She blinked hard, realizing that her vision had blurred while she was staring at him and a couple of tears escaped as she refocused. "He won't watch your back and I don't want to lose you," she managed, her voice leaving her in a bit of a squeaky fashion, breaking and halting as the confession tumbled out.

"Babe," her husband breathed, slipping his t- shirt over his head as he took a seat with her on the bed. All at once she was folded up in his arms, her head fit in the crook of his shoulder and she swallowed hard as she returned the embrace.

Her emotions were on overdrive, every thought screaming for a chance to be heard so that it felt like a storm raging around her that would eventually drown her. She tightened her hold on him and they sat there for a long moment. How long she really couldn't tell, but she held on tight, her fingers gripping at the fabric of his shirt and his hand moved to comb long fingers through her hair in a soothing fashion that had always helped to calm her. Slowly the storm subsided, focusing on him helping to steady her just a little.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked softly, his voice barely more than a whisper.

"I don't know. It's jumbled," she sniffed and felt him chuckle.

He pressed a kiss to the side of her head. "Just start and we'll figure out how to make sense if it?" he offered and it was her turn to snort a laugh, finally releasing him so she could look him in the eye.

"I talked to Red while you were gone. He said… he said that you couldn't stop."

He quirked an eyebrow. "Makes me sound a little like a drug addict, but okay."

"His point was better working for him than someone else. He said… he said he wouldn't double cross you like others would."

"I wasn't aware that people were lining up at our door to hire me," her husband chuckled.

"You're good, Tom. I know that. Red knows that. You know that." She looked up at him, trying to gauge his reaction and found a thoughtful expression.

After a long moment he pulled in a deep breath. "I'm getting some mixed signals here, Liz. You were the one that told me you were glad I kept the passports."

"Not to work with Reddington. Not to go back into… You're not a criminal anymore, Tom."

"So it's Reddington that's the problem?" he asked carefully.

"I'm not comfortable with the idea of you becoming his hit man. Or whatever else he has you do. If… if you want to get back into covert work, why don't I talk to Cooper? Maybe we can work something out with the Task Force. There are plenty of cases where we could use someone with your expertise."

"It's an option," he agreed softly and ducked his head a little. "Liz, for me, if I go back into the field or not doesn't matter as much as knowing we're okay." He forced himself to look up, meeting her eyes. "I love you and I love Agnes. Nothing means more to me than this family."

"And we love you, but doesn't matter as much doesn't mean that it doesn't matter at all." She leaned forward, kissing his scruffy cheek. "I'm not saying it shouldn't, I just… don't trust Red on this. He sounded like he wanted to hire you full time."

He offered her a small smile. "I promise not to go work full time for the old boss that nearly had me killed a couple of times and continues to string you along instead of give you any answers at all," he teased and Liz rolled her eyes. She reached around behind her for a pillow and knocked him hard, pulling a grin from him as he topped over dramatically.

"Listen, funny man…"

"Seriously though," he murmured, sitting up and leaning in closer. "We make these decisions together, okay? If you have reservations, no matter how small, talk to me, and I'll do the same."

"All your doubts?" she asked quietly and he nodded.

"All the things that terrify me."

"Losing you scares me."

"Babe, I chose you over everything and everyone. What makes you think I won't again? You're not losing me. I'm right here and we'll go at it together."

Liz nodded slowly and leaned in. He met her halfway, the kiss reassuring. It deepened after a moment and a short laugh escaped her as they rocked back on the bed, Tom leaned over her and she reached to start tugging his shirt back off.

A soft whimper started from the baby monitor beside the bed, causing both of them to pause and look over to it, as if willing their daughter back to sleep. They waited, frozen where they were, and the whimpering turned into a wail, signaling she would not be settling down on her own. "Worst timing ever, kiddo," Tom sighed and pushed himself up and off the bed.

Liz followed, reaching out and catching his hand before he was fully out the door. He turned a questioning look back and she pulled him closer, tipping up on her toes to kiss him again. "I love you," she breathed when they parted. "You. Not just who you can be or who I want you to be. I love you. I'm just trying to sort through it and it scares me."

"Me too. I don't want to lose you either, Liz. We've fought like hell to get here. This is just another challenge."

She nodded and Agnes continued to scream from her room, determined not to be ignored. Liz popped up and pressed another quick kiss to his lips before starting out the bedroom door, his hand in hers, and she felt him tighten his own hold on her. They would get through this. They were too stubborn to lose the fight now.

Notes: I just really needed to work through some thoughts after last night's episode. If you guys listen to the Keen Minds Podcast, we'll be touching on a lot of what happened there as well.

I really think Liz's reaction has more to do with Red than it did with Tom, and the fear that Red is going to take someone else from her. His refusal to be honest and straight forward with her makes it pretty hard for her to trust him, I'd imagine, and he doesn't do a great deal to help that by correcting incorrect assumptions such as the one she made about him killing Emma. Until Red decides to take that leap with her to be honest, I feel like it's going to continue down this rather rocky path for Liz and Red.