Nightmares and Phone Calls

Everything was blurred, like he'd forgotten to put his contacts in, and it seemed to be moving so fast that he couldn't quite catch up. It sounded like a dozen people were trying to speak at once, the voices blending together and folding over each other so it made it impossible to understand any of them. He would think, for just a second, that he was about to focus in on everything, but then it would shift again, throwing him off and leaving him a little dizzy.

Tom reached out, trying to steady himself, and he squeezed his eyes closed. He needed to focus.

When he opened them again, he was on a beach. Things had calmed down and for just a moment he seemed to be alone. He wasn't sure how he'd gotten there, but it didn't matter. Things were quiet, almost peaceful, and he looked down the way to see Liz holding Agnes at the edge of the waves, their little girl's laughter the only sound above the gentle tide coming in.

He took a step towards them and felt the sand under his feet give way. Without warning he was on his back, under the waves, and felt himself being shoved deeper by a large hand in his chest. No matter how hard he fought, he couldn't break free. For a time there was nothing in his world other than the burning of saltwater in his lungs and the pressure holding him down. Finally, the hand dragged him up again, and he broke the surface sputtering and choking.

"You done fighting me?"

Tom spun, looking for the owner of the voice, but all he saw was a still form lying just on the beach. He blinked hard, Kevin Jensen coming into focus and he felt the same strange panic rise in him that had overwhelmed him as the friend that he didn't even remember had slipped away.

Dark blue eyes popped open, finding a dark hotel room in place of the beach. There was no water, no sand, and Jensen's body hadn't even been cleared into the US for the funeral yet. Tom lay there for a long moment, focused on getting his breathing under control. After a long moment he reached over to the side table and groped for his phone. The screen showed it was just after five in the morning. Liz wouldn't quite be up yet, and he didn't want to wake her up, no matter how much he needed to hear her voice in that moment.

He pulled in a deep breath and his thumb moved over the screen and clicked send for the text.

Call me when you wake up?

Blue eyes focused in on the screen for a long moment before it switched, a picture of Liz and Agnes replacing the text screen. He clicked the accept button, a bit of relief washing through him. "Hey, babe. What are you doing up so early?"

"Agnes decided 4 AM seemed like a great time to wake up today. What about you?"

"Just missing my beautiful wife and little girl," Tom answered and let his eyes slipped closed, focusing on the voice filtering through the phone.

"We miss you too. Now what's the real reason you're up so early? You guys got in pretty late last night, didn't you?"

"And I have to be in first thing this morning or I would have been on a plane home last night."

Liz hummed softly from the other end. "Still not an answer to the real question," she pointed out, her voice gentle but firm.

Tom's chuckle escaped on a breath. She wasn't going to let it go. "Just a nightmare."

There was a moment of silence from the other end. "You need to talk about it?" she asked hesitantly.

His smile remained as he shifted in the strange bed. "I wouldn't even know how to. It was weird… it was like wondering around without glasses or contacts and nothing was clear. I saw…" The smile faded and he swallowed. "The journalist that just died in Kyrkistan-"

"Kevin Jensen. I thought that might have been you guys. You love his work."

"I do. Did. Apparently Scottie knows his family well. I knew him as a kid."

Another beat of silence passed. "Tom," his wife breathed softly from two hundred miles away.

"We had him inside the gate, Liz. We…. he was on American soil. I don't remember him and I can't help but think that that's weird. I mean, something, right? I was four. I should remember something."

"Babe, we still don't know what happened. Trauma has a way of…. the mind does strange things with it. It's not as strange as you think it is that you've blocked it out." She paused and Tom could almost hear her considering her next words carefully. "But you're going to have more nightmares the deeper you go in this. Trust me, those memories, no matter how deeply buried, have a way of breaking free, and it can hurt. Just… don't bottle it up, okay?"

"Okay," he answered softly.

"You mean that?"

"I know better than to lie to you."

"Smart man," Liz teased. "I love you, Tom. And, honey? I'm proud of you. I know how hard it is, but you're doing the right thing looking."

"Thanks, babe," he whispered softly. "I miss you guys."

"We miss you too. Do you know if you'll be home this weekend?"

"A lot will depend on what's dished out when I get to the office this morning. If we have another op waiting I'll be on a flight to who knows where. If not, I'm catching the first flight home for a couple of days."

"Sounds like a plan. You could use a good night's sleep."

"I used to be a lot better about hotels," he chuckled.

"Mm. Before you had a family to come home to."

"Funny how that changes everything."

"Glad it does."

"I love you, Liz."

"Love you too."

"Give Agnes a kiss for me?"

"Absolutely. Let me know if you're coming in today. I'll see what I can do to duck out early and maybe we I'll actually get to see you for a few minutes."

"You'll know as soon as I do." This was the part when he was supposed to hang up the phone and get up. He could probably go for a run before he was due into the office. The problem was that he just didn't want to. He wanted to be home where, even if they didn't have time to sleep more, they could at least hold onto each other for a while. He could feel safe for just a little while, not like he was balanced between warring parents that he'd never known that could all very easily blow up in his face with one wrong step. He wondered if the dream and the hand shoving him under the water was a memory breaking through or just a general feeling of drowning.

"Tom?"

"Yeah. Sorry. I guess you need to go?"

"I do. I love you though. Call if you need me. Any time, babe, even if I'm asleep."

"Yeah, You wouldn't be quite so sweet about it if you were actually sleeping," he teased. "You're not exactly a morning person."

"Neither are you, jerk," she laughed. "But you've woken up with a few nightmares of mine. I just want to be there for you, even if I'm not physically there."

His smile tilted his lips. "I promise not to bottle it up," he murmured.

"Good. Love you."

"You too."

She was the one that ended the call and Tom sat there for a long moment, staring at the white walls shrouded in shadow. There was another day ahead of him, but if he lucked out he would only need to fill out some paperwork before he was on his way home to his family.

Notes: I really want to see glimmers of memories breaking through. Maybe next episode?