Finding Steady Ground

Everything was starting to hurt. The adrenaline that had kept him going was finally wearing off and it left him aching deeply from the beatings he'd taken. He needed rest, but was it was difficult to find a comfortable position like this. The little apartment that he'd been staying in there in New York was as burned as the rest of the places he'd been relatively safe at for the past couple of months. There was no going back there.

The couch that he'd claimed in the old office space he, Howard, and Nez were staying at seemed to find every bruise and cut left on him from the interrogation session with Solomon and his and Scottie's fight that followed just after. The one time he did finally drift off, he found himself startled awake with the feeling of a gun pressed to her head, nightmare blending with memory and Scottie's gaze cold and fixed on him as the sound of the gun going off jolted him awake, leaving him trembling in a way that a nightmare hadn't in some time.

Tom lay there in the dark, eyes wide and trying to control his breathing. It wasn't just his body that hurt. He hadn't let himself slow down long enough to focus on what had happened and the deep pain that brought with it.

There had been a small hope that had lingered with him that maybe things would turn out alright this time. Liz called him an optimist, but he was starting to wonder if he'd just put too much hope in something too far out of his reach. He'd let himself believe for just a little while that he hadn't been abandoned and that maybe she loved him. He should have known better, especially following in on their terrible experience with Alexander Kirk.

A short sigh escaped him as he sat up, wincing at the movement. His head and face were aching so badly that he wasn't sure where one pain stopped and the other started. He reached over to the small table to grab the burner phone he was using. It was eleven at night. She might be up still.

Long, battered fingers dialed a familiar number and he pulled the phone to his ear. It rang enough that he was about ready to hang up when he heard a sleepy "Keen," from the other end.

"Hey. It's me. Did I wake you up?"

There was a beat of silence from the other end. "No," she lied. "What's up? Are you okay?"

"I…" His own reassuring lie died in his throat. The one he'd been repeating to Nez all evening. This wasn't Nez. It was Liz, and he'd promised to always give her the truth, even when it was hard. Especially when it was hard. "I don't know," he breathed softly.

There was a soft sound from the other end of the phone, almost like she was shifting. Finally the woman he loved pulled in a deep breath. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

"I…" He squeezed his eyes shut and winced as it pulled at one of the cuts on his face. "I'm such an idiot. I should know better than to... I wanted to trust her, so I'd started to. I wanted her to…" He swallowed hard, feeling his control slipping badly. He couldn't let it. Not yet. Not when they still had to face her.

"To love you," Liz piped in softly.

"Yes." There was something in her voice like she knew the feeling well, and suddenly her determination to keep Kirk alive, despite what he'd done to her, despite the fact that he was little more than a stranger that threatened them, made just a little more sense to him. She'd wanted the same thing: just a hint that despite all the pain that had followed, she had been loved as a little child. That she had been wanted and that someone had been looking for her.

"Honey, she's your mom. There's nothing stupid about that," she promised softly. "Are you sure she doesn't?"

"She was ready to kill me, Liz. She had a gun to my head and-"

"Because we know there's no way someone can do crazy thing like that because they think it'll somehow protect someone they care about," Liz grumbled from the other end.

Tom swallowed hard. "That's not the same, Lizzie."

"Mm. I'm not saying it is, but I'm saying that… I was pretty damn certain you were going to shoot me. If your mother is hiding something, if she thinks you'll be safer in the dark or wouldn't believe her…"

"Not going to convince you, am I?" Tom chuckled mirthlessly.

"I'm just giving you a different perspective to think about. You did the same for me when I was too close."

A small smile tilted his lips. At least he knew he had her. In the midst of all the chaos, she still loved him. She was still there.

"I didn't really have a chance to talk to you about it earlier when we talked, but I met your dad yesterday."

"Yeah, he mentioned that."

"Really? What'd he say?"

The smile broadened at her curious tone. "Not a lot. He's kind of focused, but he seems to like you."

"Mm."

"What'd you think?"

"I can see a lot of you in him," she murmured after a moment. "In the eyes, but you're right about the focus."

"What do you mean?"

He could hear the smile in her voice then. "That laser focus you do when you're after something. I see where you got it from."

Tom chuckled softly, fingers curling around the phone. "I miss you."

"You'll be home soon."

"Yeah."

"I mean it. You're going to be okay, babe. If she's as horrible as you think or if she surprises you, you'll be okay and you're coming home to us."

A sense of relief rushed through him for the first moment since he'd been sitting with her and she'd taken his hand, fingers curling around his and offering her support. He'd do anything to have her hand in his right then, but her words were soothing. He loosed a soft breath. "I love you."

"Love you too. I know you feel like you need to do this yourself, and I get that - believe me I do - but I'm here for you. You know that, right?"

"Only thing keeping me afloat." He squeezed his eyes shut again, forcing himself to focus on her and Agnes and all he had waiting for him at the end of this. He had so much, even if things turned out badly with his mother.

"Tom? Couldn't sleep, son?"

Dark blue eyes opened to find ones similar to his own watching him from the doorway and he tilted his head to show the phone pressed to his ear. "Babe, I'm going to have to talk to you later. Give Agnes a kiss for me in the morning and tell her I'll be home in time for her birthday."

"I will and you better," she answered, her voice a little teasing at the end. "Be safe. All of you, and say hi to Howard for me."

"Will do," he promised, his smile returning just a little even as the call ended. He looked up at the man still lingering at the door of the small office space. "Liz said to tell you hi."

Slowly, Howard's lips tugged outward very slightly, the smile showing more in his eyes than anything else. "I hope to get to know her after all this is over."

"I hope you do too."

That seemed to catch his father a little by surprise and Tom felt the older man studying him. After a moment he nodded. "There'll be plenty of time after," he promised. "Get some sleep if you can. Tomorrow's a big day."

He turned to leave, and Tom felt a strange, irrational sort of fear build up inside his chest. "Dad?" Howard paused and Tom swallowed hard, the multitude of questions he had for him dying before they ever made it past his lips. He had a million of them, but Howard was right. They needed to wait and they needed to focus. If they let their emotions cloud their judgement, it would get them all killed. He had to find steady ground and choose to trust in that Howard wasn't going anywhere. When the dust settled they would have a real chance. "G'night," he murmured instead.

Howard offered an understanding look. "Good night, son," he answered and slipped out, leaving Tom alone with his thoughts.

Notes: I'm equal parts excited and nervous for tonight's episode. Seriously, it's going to be amazing either way, but I just really hope Howard isn't a villain! I don't think he is, but there's that small seed of doubt...