Lost Too Much

She'd been off since the funeral. There was… something. He couldn't quite put his finger on it. It'd been in her voice when she'd told him she wanted to visit Meera's grave alone. She was closed off, quiet, and while he could chalk it up to the fact that they'd just lost yet another friend, Tom knew her too well to do that. Nik's death was affecting her mood, but it wasn't the entire reason for the shutout.

Liz had needed to do a few things that afternoon while they already had the babysitter with Agnes and Tom promised to pick up dinner. He dropped by to meet with Pete's fiancé on his way there. It took longer than he'd expected, but he had a lead. Nik deserved that much and Tom needed to get the suitcase back. The damn thing had caused more trouble than it could have ever been worth. By the time he'd wrapped up what he needed it was getting dark and all he wanted was to be home with the people he loved.

"Hey, they were out of the brown rice so I got steamed," he called as he tossed his keys down. "Liz?"

The lights were dim for the hour and he tried to push down a sense of dread. Something wasn't right, but he wasn't sure it was wrong enough to go in gun drawn. He eased his steps so they didn't make as much noise, hating that the plastic bag that the Chinese food rested in crinkled with every move.

Liz was sitting on the couch, a glass of wine in her hand and another one was sitting on the coffee table and waiting on him. She didn't look up as he entered and he frowned a little. "How're you holding up?"

The woman he loved loosed a long breath. "Horrible?"

His frown deepened and he set the food down within reach in case she decided she wanted it and took a careful seat next to her. She didn't move closer or further, giving him no visual signal in what she wanted, so he reached out for the glass she'd left for him and waited until she was ready.

Several long moments passed before a pair of bright blue eyes slipped closed. "I keep thinking about Nik's fiancé. Did you even know he was engaged? I didn't ask. I just… dragged him back in. It's like there's this black hole that sucks out all the light and-"

"This is not your fault," Tom said firmly and she opened her eyes to look at him, tears not quite slipping free yet.

"Just because I didn't strangle him myself doesn't mean that I'm not responsible." She sipped at her wine and put it down. "He was building a life, Tom. He had no place in this world."

The words caused him to shift a little, breaking eye contact with her. She wasn't wrong. If he could find a way to make it right, he would, but he couldn't raise the dead. All he could do was find the killer. He was working on that.

"I know you're hiding something about Nik."

The certainty on her voice drew his gaze. She looked… sad. Disappointed. It hurt more than anything else.

Liz pursed her lips together. "You've got this…. tone when you're fishing for information from me. I've been trying to think of any reason that you would be connected to this, Tom, and nothing is good."

"Babe-"

Anger flashed behind her eyes. "Whatever you're about to say, do not lie to me."

He swallowed hard, nodding slowly and she seemed to cool back down just a little. It was still simmering just below the surface, that rage that he knew from personal experience could be deadly. She wanted the truth and he wanted to give it to her, but a lead wasn't the whole story, and with more questions than answers right now half information could be more dangerous than silence.

Tom pulled in a steadying breath, speaking carefully. "I was contacted about something," he said slowly, as if tasting each word as I left him to make sure it was safe and yet still true. "I didn't…." A terrible thought worked its way in. "You know I didn't kill him, right?"

Liz stared at him for a moment before finally relinquishing a small nod.

"I did ask for his help," Tom admitted softly. "I had no idea it would put a bullseye on him."

"Why would you go to Nik instead of me? Even if it's something you need to keep off the Bureau's radar, I could have-"

"It's complicated, Liz."

"So complicated you've been lying to your wife about it?" she snapped and he cringed.

"I'm going to tell you everything, Liz. I swear. I just need to have the facts lined up. I just…. I need you to trust me that handing you what I have now would only put you in in a really crappy position."

He reached for her and she pulled away. "You have got to be kidding me right now. You've got some secret that just got Nik killed and you're…. I'm just supposed to trust you to handle it in your own? Something that could put our whole family in danger? After everything we've been through, that's your go-to?"

"I'm trying to protect our family, Liz," Tom snapped back, regretting the tone instantly and he set his jaw, trying to pull his temper back in. He didn't want to fight with her. That would only make this worse.

"We're a team, Tom. That's how this works. And you don't lie to me. That's the only way this works." She stood up, wiping angrily at the tears that were escaping and he sat very still as she moved past him. Finally, after a beat, he started to stand to follow, her name on his lips and she whirled on him. "No. You want to keep things from me? You want to go at this the way you know doesn't work? I can't really stop you, but I'm not sharing a bed with you. Enjoy the couch."

Tom found himself frozen in place long after she'd gone into their room, all but slamming the door behind her.

She couldn't sleep. She'd tossed and turned for hours, her mind whirling through possibilities. It almost had to do with Reddington. That was the only thing she could think of that would twist him up like that right then. After the dinner, after his response to working with him, after everything, that was the only thing - she hoped - that would make him hesitate to trust her, and that's what this was boiling down to: trust. He didn't trust her with whatever was happening.

Liz turned again, her fingers finding his empty pillow and she glanced passed it. Two in the morning. This was pointless.

She threw the covers off and her bare feet found the cold floor even as she grabbed a sweatshirt to bundle in. She moved as quietly as she could to keep from waking Agnes up, inching towards the living room.

Tom was curled on his side on the couch, long legs bent at the knees with a quilt draped over him. The suit he had worn to the funeral was folded neatly over a chair and Liz saw his dark blue eyes watching her movement, but he didn't dare say anything. She sighed and took a heavy seat on the floor in front of the couch, her back leaned against the arm.

Silence remained between them as she tried to find the words to express what she was feeling. She was angry. So angry. Their relationship depended on the trust they'd worked so hard to rebuild. She couldn't live questioning him at every turn.

But it wasn't just that. Not if she were honest.

Liz squeezed her eyes shut and held her hand up. He took it instantly and she tightened her hold on it. "I don't want to lose you," she confessed, the words the only ones that broke free in the swirling mess of thought and emotions.

He shifted and she heard him take a steadying breath. "I'm not going anywhere, Liz."

She snorted, shaking her head. For as intelligent as he was, sometimes he could be a real idiot. "They killed Nik. Whoever this is, whatever you're mixed up in got Nik killed. What happens when they come for you?"

She felt Tom kiss the top of her bent fingers and she turned, facing him in the dark. "I'm scared, Tom. I'm scared that you're lying to me again." He opened his mouth, looking like he was going to protest and she glared. "You're not being honest. You don't trust me enough to be honest with me."

He grimaced, gaze falling.

"I'm scared you'll get hurt, that I'll lose you for good. I'm scared… that you're going somewhere that I can't follow you."

He sat up and suddenly Liz was in his arms. She folded in and felt everything break loose as he held on, his fingers working through her hair as he stroked her hair, his voice low and soft. "Can you give me time? Time to… find the answers so that I have more than questions to show you."

She squeezed her eyes shut and leaned into him. "Do I have a choice?"

"You've always got a choice, babe."

Liz nodded slowly. "You get a week."

"Thank you."

"And then everything."

"Everything," he swore, and there was a tiny glint of a smile playing at the corner of his lips. "Just promise you won't go all vigilante on me?"

She popped him on the shoulder hard enough to draw a stifled yelp from him. "Then don't piss me off."

He ducked his head, laughing a little even as he rubbed his shoulder. Good. She hoped it was sore. He deserved that and more.

His look turned a little more hesitant. "You gonna let me come to bed?"

"No." The word was sharp, but she didn't move. Instead she leaned back into him, feeling his arms around her.

"You gonna go back to bed?"

"No."

"Okay," he breathed out and shifted. She moved with him so that they were leaned back as well as they could be on the couch, Liz half on top of him and she pressed her ear to his chest, listening to his heart beat. It was steady and she felt him pull in a deep breath, his fingers stroking her hair absently. She was still angry. She was going to be angry for a while, but she loved him, and she couldn't say that she hadn't known what she was getting into this time around. She'd chosen to love a man with trust issues to spare that sometimes led to mistakes, and while he had a tendency to be slow with what he was willing to share, he had learned to share with her. Eventually and of his own choosing. She believed him when he said that he'd been planning to tell her, but this was spiraling out of control faster than he was capable of keeping up with. She just hoped that whatever it was didn't come back to bite him in the week she'd given him.

"Love you," Tom murmured, his voice edging towards sleep.

Liz closed her eyes, her fingers tightening around the material of his t-shirt. "Love you too," she whispered back. She sat up just a little and watched his eyes slide tiredly open again. "I'm not willing to lose you. That's not an option." She heard him manage a soft promise and she laid back down, focused on the sound of his heartbeat. She wasn't going to let someone take him away.

Notes: I really don't know how I feel about this one. I've been sitting on it since yesterday, hoping I'd find what is bothering me. I think it's the lack of resolution at the end, honestly. I just really wanted to play with the idea of Liz being pissed the hell off at finding out that Tom hadn't been honest with her, yet knowing that it meant he was in danger and looking at the possibility of him getting himself killed in this.

I do think Liz knows Tom's hiding something, but I don't really think she'll approach him with it in canon. Not yet, at any rate. Hence the reason I wanted to play with it.