Learn from our Mistakes

Tom felt like he hadn't slept in a week as he hauled himself out of the cab late that Sunday afternoon. He had left angry, the disappointment and frustration finally pushing his temper over the edge and he had snapped at her, his words sharpened to the point of cruelty. He had made sure to turn them to hurt her so that she could feel at least a fraction of what he was drowning under in these last few months. With every plan made and canceled - from dinner to vacations to building their family that she swore she wanted with him - Tom had felt the pressure build and he didn't know how to stop it. He didn't know how to fix it. Hell, he didn't even know how to sort through half the emotions he found clawing at him when he thought of that ultrasound and the child that they wouldn't have now. Their child. Their baby. All of that taken away because of… what? Somehow Reddington had done it, he just didn't know how. It didn't matter. The baby was gone now and he'd be someone else's child.

Things weren't going to last the way they had been going, even he knew that. Tom had needed time to refocus and find better footing, to try to find some semblance of control in the situation. So when Liz had canceled yet again on him he had taken the weekend at the teaching conference down in Florida to get away and try to find that. He almost had, too. Before Liz he wouldn't have hesitated for a second to fall into bed with a pretty redhead to forget his troubles. Every kiss pushed it back, every touch let him forget the tangled web of who he was and who he was pretending to be and just let him fade back to the basics. It would have been simple. It should have been simple. The fact that it wasn't had hit him hard, almost like a blow to the gut, and it had told him exactly what he needed to know: as angry as he was - even as hurt as he was, though that was harder to admit - he loved Liz. He loved her more than a person like him should have been capable of loving another person, and he'd put the breaks on.

He had left angry, but as Tom dragged himself up the steps to the townhouse that he shared with his wife he was returning afraid. Berlin had been silent for two years, leaving him to settle into his life with Liz and push back the lingering threat until it felt like a bad dream. Jolene Parker was that stark reminder that it wasn't a nightmare that faded with the sun, but his life. His job. It was foolish to think he could keep going and simply enjoy what he had. If he'd succeeded in convincing her of his loyalties to his employer or not was still yet to be seen. Only time would tell, but until then there was a good chance he was going to be more of a tangled mess than he had been. That wasn't going to do his homelife any good.

Hudson started barking the moment the outer door swung open and Tom shoved the key into the lock so that he could unlock the main door. The excitable dog nearly took him to the ground the moment he opened it, happily slobbering all over him. "Hey, buddy. Missed you too," he promised, reaching down to give him a good scratch behind the ears.

"Tom?" Liz's voice drifted through the hall and it sounded like she was in the computer nook. Maybe the dining room.

"Yeah," he called back and kicked the door closed behind him, barely able to dance around Hudson to toss his bag on the couch. It missed, falling hard to the floor and he loosed a frustrated breath. That seemed to just be the way everything was going lately. Instead of leaning over to pick it up he let himself half collapse onto the couch where he'd intended to drop the bag, one long leg draping over the armrest at the knee and he looked up at the ceiling, doing everything he could not to focus on the crib or any other odds and ends that they'd purchased for the child they were no longer adopting. Everything was a mess and this weekend had somehow made it that much worse.

"How was Florida?" Liz asked, her voice closer now.

He didn't bother looking over to her, instead letting his eyes slip closed. "Oh, you know. Hot, kinda muggy. No beaches. Did you know Orlando is landlocked?"

Liz snorted a laugh and when he finally turned to look at her he saw a small, strained smile pulling at her lips. "I wasn't sure you'd be back today."

"The conference is over."

"And you're on Spring Break. No work tomorrow."

"You thought I'd just stay?"

"I didn't know what to think, Tom. The last thing I heard from you was that you thought we needed time apart."

He bit back a sharp retort and turned his attention back to the ceiling without a word. He heard her sigh, slowly crossing the space between them until she took a careful seat on the edge of the chair. He heard her pull in a breath to speak once, reconsider, and then repeat the act again a few beats later. If she was looking for the right words he wasn't sure she could find them. He knew he sure couldn't.

"I did something kind of impulsive."

"What's that?" he asked automatically.

There was another pause, a shift, and Tom cracked an eye open to find her leaning forward. When she saw him looking at her she stood and held something out to him. He grunted as he pulled himself up, swinging his legs around so that he was sitting on the couch like it was intended to be sat on, and reached out for what looked like a pamphlet. That's exactly what it was. He took it and his brows drew together as his tired eyes focused through his glasses and on a pamphlet that he had given to her a few months before. Boston. "What is this?" he asked hesitantly.

"We wrapped the case, so before Cooper could assign me another I took a few days off. I know we had to cancel it last time and I couldn't come with you to Florida this time. I know it doesn't… fix everything that's happening, but-"

"No." She looked startled at the clipped word and he shook his head, not meaning for it to come out that way. "This is perfect, Lizzie."

Her smile was slow, but it was beautiful. "Really?"

"Yeah." He reached out and she took his hand, letting him pull her in and she took a seat on the couch with him. It was his turn to search for the words to say and he felt his jaw drop a couple of times, the words never quite making it out, and he squeezed his eyes shut. "I think this is just what we need. You sure your boss will really let you go?"

"The time off has already been filed. No going back now," she answered and her grin had turned mischievous. "They had one room left at the Tellamy Cove Inn, so I grabbed it Friday night after you left. The flight's booked, so you don't have to drive, and Ellie agreed to watch Hudson for us."

Tom found himself staring at the beaming woman next to him and he reached up, his fingers brushing the side of her face and she went instantly quiet at the tender movement. "I love you." The confession rode out on a breath and he leaned in. The kiss was slow and tentative, but in that instant he felt some of the worry push aside. Everything that had happened, all the problems with her work and his and what had happened with Jolene at the conference faded to the background, and for that moment there was only them. She was what mattered and he wasn't willing to let that go.

"Tell me that again when we're at the airport for our six o'clock flight," she murmured against his lips and Tom pulled back.

"Six?"

Liz shrugged, grimacing a little as she did. "Last minute booking. It was the best I could do."

He rolled his eyes, laughing a little at her before he leaned in and stole another kiss. "It's okay. I'll get up at four in the morning to go on a vacation with you, babe."

"You think you can get your clothes on straight?"

"No promises."

Her laughter lit the room and he pulled her back in, wrapping his arms around her and she fit perfectly against him. He could feel her fingers latch onto his shirt and he toyed with the tips of her dark hair. They sat there for a long moment, the sun sinking slowly outside their window, and he would do whatever he had to to keep this moment and the next and the next and someday, somehow, they'd be right again. He had to believe that. He had always been good at making things happen.

Part of her had been waiting for it to fall apart right up until the point that they boarded the plane. If she was worried about it, she knew Tom had been too. Things had been in flux since she'd taken the job with the Task Force - since Raymond Reddington had dropped into her life - and while she knew her husband hadn't married her under any disillusions that her job wouldn't be taxing, he hadn't signed up for the craziness that had fallen down around them in the last few months. He had nearly been killed by Ranko Zamani, had been framed for a murder, she found herself working late nights and weekends more than ever before, and she had pulled out of the adoption last second. That had been the kicker, she knew, and it had been the thing that had sent him retreating from her lately. Tom - her Tom that wanted to talk out everything - had been withdrawn and moody to the point that he snapped and groused more than she'd ever seen before. She knew why, but exhausted and strained as she was she couldn't help but feed off of his moods and it left them constantly bickering if not all-out fighting. When she had come home to find that he was already gone on Friday night and had sat alone surrounded by all the things that they had bought for the child that she had backed out on, she knew something had to give. That's when she'd come across the old pamphlet and everything had fallen into place. Tom might be the one that tended to make the grand romantic gestures in their relationship, but she was rather proud of her own this time.

They usually drove on trips like this, but she hadn't wanted to miss any time there. They had two nights and three days, and Cooper had been hesitant at that. If she didn't know better, she thought that Ressler might have been the tipping point to convince him to allow her to take the time off. Her partner had sat with her late into the night, putting aside his own dinner to listen to her fears and worries that her husband had hit his limit with everything. There were more secrets that truths these days, it seemed, and she hadn't even been able to give him a straight answer about the man that had broken into their home and tried to kill him. Every other assignment she returned bruised and beaten and she knew it worried him. She canceled dinners and they never went on vacation anymore. They needed a break where her work didn't interfere with their life.

Springtime in Boston was one of her favourites. The cherry trees were in full bloom and she and the weather was still cool and crisp. They had gotten checked into the inn and had grabbed brunch before heading out to the docks. It was refreshing, almost like a weight had been lifted off of them both. His hand slipped down into hers as they walked along and they talked about everything but what hurt. It had been too long since they'd been able to spend time like this.

They had dinner reservations already set for a little place not far from the inn and Liz heard a low whistle from behind her as she adjusted the little black dress that she'd brought with her. She turned and Tom was grinning at her. "We need to get dressed up more often."

She flashed him a smile. "We needed a special weekend."

He hummed a response and crossed the space between them. Liz leaned in as his arms went around her and she felt him press a kiss to the side of her head, loosing a breath as he tightened the embrace a little. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

A rough, mirthless chuckle left him. "Everything." Liz pulled back, a little confused, and he tried for a smile. "For leaving like I did for the conference and for-"

"Hey," she cut him off. "It's been…. Hard. On both of us. I know how much you wanted to have a baby."

"Didn't you?" The question was small, almost like he was afraid of the answer.

"I did. I do. Someday."

Tom nodded slowly and pulled her hand up, pressing a kiss to her knuckles.

"I know there's a lot I can't tell you and I know-"

"Hey," he cut her off and his smile finally reached his eyes. "It's just you and me this weekend, okay? No work. No…. worrying over secrets or anything like that. Just you and me."

She nodded and he leaned down to kiss her. His fingers ghosted over the side of her face and in that moment she felt like they had a chance to be okay. That they could learn from the mistakes made and do better. She needed to believe that.

An alarm sounded off from her phone on the bed and Liz couldn't help but laugh at the groan Tom gave. "We're going to be late for dinner," she reminded him and gave him a small, sly smile. "If you're still hungry."

He flashed her a grin and suddenly they were tumbling back on the bed, Liz reaching to shut the alarm off. Dinner could wait.

Notes: This was my Blacklist Exchange fic for 2018 and there's a chance it'll eventually turn into a canon divergent AU multi chapter, or at least be used in it. I thought I'd share. Hope you guys enjoy!