Close to Him

Some days were easier. The day marched on with cases and work and distractions. She pushed through towards a goal that gave her a reason to get out of bed every morning and that focus kept her moving forward.

Other days were like this one. Her alarm sounded, dragging her back to reality and away from the dream her sleeping mind had indulged in. He'd been there. Smiling, safe, and whole. She could still hear his laugh and feel his arms around her as he pulled her close, burying his nose in her hair and kissing the side of her head. He made her feel safe and loved like no one else ever had. He had been her family, and when the sound of the alarm dragged her out of that dream and back to the reality she'd tried to escape for just a few hours, he was gone all over again.

Some days were easier. This wasn't one of them.

Liz rolled off of the couch that she had fallen asleep on, files scattering to the floor. She groaned, glaring at them as if it were their fault. It didn't matter. She'd get them later.

She moved through her morning sluggishly. If Jennifer weren't due over at nine, she probably wouldn't have bothered getting up with the alarm. The likelihood of being called into the office on a Sunday was small, but there she was up and ready to work on her own case that her team had nothing to do with. The goal helped, she reminded herself. It gave her purpose.

The shower woke her up a little more, but it didn't help shake the last of the dream. It was going to be one of those days it seemed, and finally accepting that Liz made her way to a single drawer on the left side of the dresser that she rarely opened. As she pried it open that morning and she found the little treasures that she didn't keep in storage: his research notes, their wedding rings, and a few other odds and ends. Folded neatly and stacked one on the other were a few of his t-shirts and she took one out, burying her nose in the dark grey material. It still smelled like him and she wasn't sure if that hurt or helped, but she did know that she felt a little closer to him at least for a moment.

There was a knock on the front door and Liz squeezed her eyes closed, willing herself under control. It took a half a beat longer than it should have, but once she was sure that she had successfully shoved every raging emotion back behind the mask of calm she slipped her husband's shirt over her head and tucked it into her jeans. She had work to do.

Notes: I wondered about the costuming department's strange choice in t-shirt for Liz last week when she showed up in that oversized grey t-shirt next to Ressler's suit. I mean, she's always been a bit more casual than he is in the field, but still, it was odd, and then she was wearing it again in the promo on Instagram for tonight. A friend pointed out that it looked an awful lot like one of the t-shirts that Tom wore regularly, and I think she's right. I mean, Liz did wear that green teacher's association t-shirt that we saw in his opening scene in the pilot after Zamani stabbed him... So it's not a stretch to think Liz finds comfort in wearing his shirts when she misses him.

I'm not sure if I'm happy or heartbroken. Both. I think I'll go with both.