Thanks for the reviews/replies, they're greatly appreciated, here's just a little update.
It's painfully quiet sitting out here next to Aiden, the only sound registering in my mind is the soft sound of Marisa Lauren. I look over at my date, he looks nervous; I don't think he's seemed relaxed since I agreed to go on this date with him, on Thursday. It's been an arduous two days, and all I want to do is kick back and relax with a friend, but as the term "date" has been used, neither of us are anything that can be equated to relaxed, even the air seems to crack with our uncomfortable silence. "The whole picnic part and being out here under the stars, listening to music it's actually better than the music they play in the Bowl."
"You mean you're not a fan of classical music?" I know I'm not, my mum was always encouraging me to listen to it as a child but I found all but two pieces tense me up, and I think that if I tense anymore then I might just explode.
"Not really," Well that makes two of us, "I guess I'm just saying, once we're inside if you want to leave at intermission, I'm cool with that."
I give him a satisfied nod as I answer, "Whatever you wana do, I'm following your lead tonight."
"Why are you doing that," he pauses before he reiterates, "following my lead?"
It's strange, I was never really the take-charge type back in Ohio, I guess moving to Los Angeles has changed me in more ways then I realized. Maybe it wasn't the move as much as the city acting as a catalyst, unleashing something that was already in me, screaming to escape. I shot him a puzzled look as I answer, "What do you mean?"
"Well you've been spending a lot of time with Ash, you know, getting close to her," not close enough though, not as close as I wish I was getting to her, "I mean every time we try to hook up it's a complete disaster."
I want to tell Aiden that he's not special and all the times I can remember trying to hook up with a guy, none of them have gone to plan, and each time I'm left feeling more and more hollow inside, I don't though, "Do you not want me to be here with you?"
"Are you kidding? Part of me is saying don't screw this up asswipe, you have a beautiful girl in front of you."
"I bet I can guess which part of you is saying that." I nod my head towards his crotch as I speak, and part of me blushes, because just a few months ago I could never had envisaged myself being so bold. And part of me wants to be that same naive girl from Ohio, kissing boys and thinking of girls, but not knowing why, a girl with a perfect family. But that was the old me who was ironically the young me, and now my eyes are wide with knowledge and my heart is full of Sapphic desire.
"Yeah, but, the other part of me is saying, why is this beautiful girl here with you, when she really wants to be with someone else?"
I wish he wouldn't have continued talking, I wish he would never had mentioned the "someone else", and I wish I could stop thinking about her and stop wanting her, but I've tried and I cant. But I can't admit it, all I can do is be a good little Christian girl and suppress what I feel. "Why don't you quit trying to figure me out and just let me show you how I feel." And I kiss him; I kiss him with everything I feel for Ashley, and all my guilt for feeling that way. "Now, does that feel like the kind of girl that doesn't want to be with you?" I kiss him again, only harder this time because now I feel guilty for wishing I were with someone else, but I try to forget my lust and my guilt and as I push him down onto the blanket and crawl on top of him all my brain can register is the harsh smell of his aftershave.