Another update, I'm not happy with about half of this part, but I can't make it better, meh.
He pulls away from me, and I don't want him to, if I keep kissing him, focusing on what his hands are doing and what my tongue is doing, then I wont have to think about anything else.
To my dismay he starts talking, "If we leave now, we can still catch the last half of the concert."
But I don't want to leave, because then we wont be kissing and I will be free to think about things, mainly Ashley, plus as I tell him, "I'm not a fan of classical music either." I pull him back to me, trying to stop my brain from imagining what kissing Ashley would be like, if her touch would be gentle, or urgent? And what type of sounds she'd thoughtlessly emit as we kissed, well maybe not just kissed. I wonder, if I started kissing her neck, if I'd find a sensitive spot at the base, or just behind her ear, and how I'd be able to tell? Maybe she'd groan, or gasp, or moan out my name? Maybe she wouldn't be vocal; maybe she'd urge me to continue silently. I can only dream of what we could do and how she would react, and I do dream, whether I'm lost deep in the throes of R.E.M, or just zoning out; I dream. So I pull Aiden back to me, urging him to kiss me again, as I dream of Ashley.
"Hey, are you sure about this?" But that's not Ashley's voice, and that's because she's not here with me.
"Stop asking me that, I'm here with you arnt I?" I can hear my voice start to crack, and I can feel a myriad of emotions just below the surface, waiting to rise up, like bile in my throat.
"Who are you trying to convince, me or you?"
Shut up Aiden, you couldn't just be like any other dumbass jock and be happy that I was throwing myself at you, could you? "Look, I really like you and I wana be with you, it would just make things so much easier."
"For who? Maybe everybody else, but not you. It's ok, you are who you are." I wish I was straight, not just because it would make everything so much easier, but also because of Aiden. He's such a sweet guy, I wish I wanted him.
"But what if I'm not ready to be who I am?" I'm scared stiff of being who I am.
"You are, alright, you're gona be fine." I really think he'd be the perfect boyfriend, it's only a shame that I'm not looking for one. "I'm not one who's rep's trashed, I've now turned two girls gay." I can't help but breathe out a laugh, "Laugh, but hey, you have to promise to tell everybody that this wasn't my fault." I look at his profile for a second and feel nothing but platonic love for him "Please." And I laugh at this comment, it's not as if he's said anything amazingly witty, it's just the easiest escape for my emotions.
He pulls me into a hug and I muse, I was almost crying earlier and now I'm laughing, but I'm not happy and I'm not upset, if anything I'm petrified. I push myself away from the safety of his arms and stand up, all I can think about is Ashley. I wonder if she felt the same way after her and Aiden split? If she felt so scared and alone when she realized that she wasn't straight, and if she knew just being herself would hurt the people around her? But Ash doesn't have a strong connection to many people – least of all her parents – and she doesn't have such a strict religious background, so maybe she wasn't scared of coming out of the proverbial closet.
But, when Ashley realised she was gay she barely had any friends, I guess she had Madison, but the uber-cheer-bitch kicked her to the curb and when she lost her unborn baby she pushed Aiden and everyone away from her, determined not to be hurt again. I might not have the support of my family, but I have Ashley for strength and to an extent, Aiden. I don't know if I can live without the support of my family, but I know I cant live without Ashley.
Aiden has finished clearing up all the paraphernalia from the picnic and is wrapping his arm around my shoulders, urging me towards his car. Once again I feel a surge of platonic love, I feel for him what I feel for my family, I can only hope that their reaction to my lack of heterosexuality is analogous to his.
We make our way back to Aiden's car in silence, but this time it's a comfortable silence, and I feel oddly relaxed – still petrified, but calm at the same time.
"Call her, see what she's up to."
I feel a wave of agapéwash through my veins at his words, "You're a good friend Aiden."
"Second choice, but I'll take it." I've already got my phone out and started scrolling through my list of "last called numbers" as we both simultaneously close our respective doors.
"Hello" That doesn't sound like, "Ash…", not at all. "Who's this?" Good question, who the hell are you? "Spencer, put Ashley on the phone." I can hear rustling and giggling in the background, "Sorry, she doesn't want to talk to you, later." The call cuts out, what the hell?
"Can you drive me to Ashley's house." Like, right now!
"Why not. Let's make sure I'm completely whipped." I barely register his comment as my mind races with possibilities of what I could have done to Ashley to warrant her friend brushing me off like that. Or if Ashley even knew that it was me who rung? But mainly my brain was trying desperately to figure out who the girl that answered Ashley's phone was, and why she was answering Ashley's phone in the first place? The only thing clear in my mind is how much I hated the girl I said less than ten words to.