A Note from Serade Black: Sorry for all the distracting Bellatrix stuff. I believe I was trying way too hard to set the dark scene in the previous chapter. Those that know me, personally, know I adore Bella (hello, I was her at Lumos, most of the time!). So, I really do love those honest reviews about what you don't like. Because, it's what I need to know. Thank you so much for your honesty, and I knew that ch. 23 wasn't sitting well with me, for something.
And here, is what people have been waiting for. It's been a long time, a very long time, coming and I really hope I don't disappoint. Upon the completion of this story, know that my next fanfiction project will be my started story, RETURNED. I've got that one mostly outlined and will be working on it as soon as the epilogue is finished for this one.
As always, I'm glad that I've turned so many shippers into Sirius/Hermione shippers! Keep it up and keep a look-out for my upcoming stories.
Ch. 24 Painful Endings
Trying to remember Snape's instructions, Ron led the small pack down the dripping dark alleyway, using the tip of his wand for a light. They walked cautiously, but determined, down the narrow passage and taking a sharp left once they reached the end of it. Running to the brick wall, Ron knocked on several different places, unsure which would open the passage. Finally, after what seemed like ages, they slipped on through the exit undetected and dumped out into the vacant streets of Diagon Alley. Once safely on the other side, they apparated to the secret spot outside Grimmauld Place and rushed to the dilapidated house. Harry ran ahead, throwing himself at the front door to let the others quickly come in behind him.
All the while as he held her unconscious body in his arms, Sirius couldn't help but outline her sweet youthful face with his eyes. He quietly pleaded with her to forgive him, knowing that it was entirely his fault that he clutched onto her unresponsive body, desperately wishing that she'd stir, even if just enough to change positions in his arms. A sign, a moment, a breath, anything to let him know that she was aware that it was he holding her.
Nothing.
He swore to himself that he'd tell her everything. He'd make it up to her. He'd give her anything she wanted, if only she'd be all right. He wasn't there when whatever it was hit her, sending her flying into the wall at such speed it rendered her unconscious. He had no idea what degree of damage had been done, and if, Merlin help him, if she'd ever speak to him again.
Finally, Sirius was rushing up the stairs with Remus and McGonagall close behind him with the appropriate spell books. It appeared Snape had already alerted them of their rushing back to Grimmauld Place, that they had been prepared and ready. Sirius nudged the large guest room door with his foot, not waiting for anyone to help him. The same bedroom he saw Hermione, Ron and Harry sleeping in the night that she and Sirius had been told of the annulment. He remembered her lying there, between the two biggest supporters in her life and how he conveniently didn't fit there.
Just as he laid her on the bed, the wizards and McGonagall took to her side to try and wake her. They took all her normal vitals, quickly brewed up a potion to mend her obvious broken arm and started the chantings of what could only be something to heal her.
As the room came together, it seemed to feel more and more crowded. Sirius slowly backed away, like each silent step represented how much distance he'd have with Hermione for the rest of their lives. As they tended to her, all the sound in the room seemed to dull out in his superior ears where only the visual status of their work sustained. His body moved slow and heavy, watching Remus glance in his direction once in awhile, but his entire concern was for the intelligent witch that lay on top of the comforter of the King sized bed.
Sirius stepped away further, hearing nothing, watching only her, and feeling extremely out of place like a movie in slow motion. He felt disconnected to her, like if she were to awake, she'd only lash out on him, her fists balled, her eyes red and her tears running like a river because he had been the one to hurt her. He broke her heart. He made her hurt. He caused her pain. He was now to be out of her life and seen as nothing more than Harry's Godfather.
Sirius lifted a hand over his mouth as he saw her head slightly shift, indicating that she was starting to stir with all the power around her. His breath escaped him, his heart began to speed up and his nerves were absolutely shot. He couldn't face her, he wasn't ready, but how he would do anything to hear her sweet voice one more time – even if she was yelling at him.
Feeling like the walls were closing in on him, like he was all of a sudden out of place, he felt like he was removed from her life. Bowing his head to avoid anyone seeing the inner emotions beginning to peak through, he quietly escaped her room and stood by himself in the hallway.
He tried to leave undetected, as he felt the knots in his stomach begin to tighten. It was the feeling of loss, the feeling of sadness, and the sudden feeling of loneliness. He'd made a horrible mistake of taking it out on Hermione. Hell, he made a horrible mistake for taking this mission for the Order, but he knew he couldn't back down. Not when he had made the oath to protect anyone or anything at any cost. Unfortunately, he hadn't thought it out well enough when he had made that oath in the beginning, that he didn't take into consideration of a wife, he might have had. Or of a relationship that was his most valued possession.
To hear her laugh, or her cry, or any other of her sweet little sounds, would mean the world to him. Just to let her know that his intentions for going under with Snape and trying to reconnect with his dark relatives weren't really him. They were a mission, they were a cause, and they were not his primary concern. He had done it for the good of the Order, the safety of Harry, the protection of Hermione and now look where it had gotten him.
He vaguely remembered her words to him: he had made her love him. But, it was also him that had agreed to sign the annulment papers. It was he who sealed their fate to remain apart.
It was him, and him alone that drove the final nail.
From the darkened void of his cell-like bedroom, a quiet knock was heard on Sirius's door. He had wrapped himself up in the unforgiving womanless bed, covered in a heavy comforter to keep him warm. Upon hearing the knock, he couldn't be bothered to open his eyes, so he just growled something that resembled permission to enter.
With quiet steps, fresh from the angel's guestroom, Remus stepped in to check on his friend. He neared the bed, placing a hand around a post and prepared his words.
"Could we just put a memory erase charm on her, so she doesn't remember any of the parts where I was an arse?" Sirius asked, from beneath the smothering covers.
Remus smiled slightly, relieved that his friend had shown a little humor in the situation. "No, Sirius, we can't alter her mind for that."
"Then what good is the spell, if it can't fix mistakes you've made?" the grave voice asked.
"Because, in other cases, people like you would be screwing up routinely." Remus quietly chuckled.
Sirius pushed down the covers, revealing a man that was tired, worn out and obviously heartbroken and trying to keep everything bottled in his chest. "Not the answer I was looking for, mate." His eyes fell down to the end of the bed to occupy his mind when he asked, "How is she?"
"She's going to be okay. She's very drained. It seems that your cousin hit her good and hard and the overall blow into the wall, as Harry explained it, took a number on her as well. In the morning, she'll come around, again." Remus paused for a few moments, before beginning again, "I talked to her, a little, Sirius."
Sirius raised his eyes to his longtime friend, slowly searching for anything that might help him resolve his idiocy.
"I'm not sure if she was able to comprehend all of it, as the potion we gave her knocked her out soon after she was revived." Remus explained.
Sirius's eyes were saddened, yet they shadowed with a glimmer of hope, "Anything, Remus? Did she say anything about...?"
Remus couldn't lie to his friend, even with as much as it pained to say anything at all, he just shook his head, "No mate, she was out."
Sirius just felt his inner child beginning to weep and he wasn't about to let his friend watch him, so he sent him away, after bidding him good night. He rolled over on his side, pulled the blankets up to his chin and drifted off to sleep, unsettled.
The new morning started to stir the house. The morning coffee was already brewing itself, creating an inviting aroma through the rooms. The sun still remained hidden behind gloomy clouds, a subtle indication of how the rest of the day might be.
Sirius started to move various limbs that had peeked out from under the covers during the night, double checking that they were still attached. For all he knew, his dark cousins could have found him out and secretly snuck into Grimmauld Place and dismantled him without his knowledge. But as unlikely as that was, he still lifted a lazy hand over his face to wake him up and ran his fingers through his hair. The feeling of nausea washed over him, with knowing that Hermione was probably still a few rooms down and that he was going to have to face her. There was no running away, this time.
Swallowing his pride, Sirius lifted his heavy body from the sanctuary of his old bed and made his way to one of his duffle bags that still held his clothes from when he'd moved out of the flat. They still remained balled up in piles on the floor, no Hermione to pick up after him, or folded in his bag from their drawer transfer. From one of his failed attempts to appease her, he managed to learn the proper way to fold a t-shirt before putting it in a drawer, thus keeping its shape as it was packed. He took out a clean long sleeved shirt and jeans and ventured out of his room to take a shower, to try and prepare him for the day.
The talk in the kitchen seemed to stop, the moment Sirius came in. He pushed his way into the sunken room, like all the many times before, and came upon Remus and Harry sitting together at the table. Harry looked up at his Godfather with concerned, but relieved eyes and slowly stood up from his chair. Sirius stopped in the doorway and just took a deep breath, summoning up the courage for any verbal beatings he was going to receive from Remus over how poorly the night before went.
Instead, it was Harry that came over to him and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. He could tell that Sirius was still coming out of the mental funk Snape had put him in for the last couple of months and approached him carefully, like you would a strange animal.
"Sirius, I'm glad you're all right." Harry said kindly, without any bit of dark emotion.
Sirius looked over at his only family and felt a soothing feeling fall down his spine, like someone had finally praised him for all that he'd risked. From marrying his best friend, to putting his own life at stake and then botching the entire thing up in the end, the spirit of James still looked up at him. Feeling that gentle sensation fill his veins, he gave a slight nod and waited for anything further from Harry.
"I told him, Sirius. Harry knows everything..." Remus paused, "about the mission."
Sirius just nodded a small appreciation of thanks, when he was forcibly hugged by the scarred one in a way that he was thankful enough for everything. Harry held his only father figure tightly, showing him appreciating affection that was not explained.
"I'm all right, Harry. No damage has been done." Sirius said, patting his godson on the back, displaying a little of his parental traits.
"But, you risked so much. They could have discovered that you really weren't..." Harry started, pulling away from Sirius and following alongside of him like a curious puppy as he went to get his morning coffee.
"I'm fine, Harry. Just give me a day, or so, to get all of this shit Snape did to my head out of my system." He said, feeling like part of him still wasn't awake, or maybe it was just part of him not wanting to think at that moment.
He had his coffee start itself and went to go sit down at the table with the two others. His head bowed forward, hiding his face from the curtains of silky locks and ran his fingers over the table in thought, tracing each divot and carved swirl.
"Severus is on his way over, now. He managed to get out, by saying that you drugged him and picked a fight with him, blaming the argument over the broken wand."
"I'm sure," Sirius's voice broke with a deep groan, "he told them that he kicked my ass. As if he could with that blown up ego."
Harry snorted from behind his piece of toast he was eating, "Ironic, wouldn't you say?"
Sirius sneered over at Harry, but in a pleasant way to know that he was right. "I could take him. Take away his wand and obviously he's –"
"I'm what, Black?" Snape sneered from the kitchen doorway, slinking in there undetected and unseen.
Sirius didn't even bother to turn his head as he finished sardonically, "talented enough without it."
"I'm sure. If it wasn't for me, your pathetic body would have been broken in pieces. Instead, you sobbed like a lovesick puppy dog."
"Piss off, Snape."
"Had I not intervened, Granger and Potter would have been dead!"
"I would not have! I could have-" Harry hollered at the very sound of his name.
"Enough! Harry, calm down. Sirius, for goodness sakes, give it a rest. Severus, thank you. I believe all in all, we made a decent attempt and unfortunately, the moment has past." Remus interjected.
"I'll go and see to Granger, and I'll be away. I've more important things to do, rather than stay here and dwell on the screw up you've done, Black." Snape slurred, already halfway out the door.
"Why did we let him in this organization, again? Remind me, why someone hasn't killed him yet?" A small bit of the old Sirius crept out of his mental hiding. As much as he was fighting himself not to be that "love sick puppy dog" as he was referred to, he couldn't help but take a stab at Snape as he was out of the room. "What is he doing to her, anyway?"
"He's making sure that anything Bellatrix might have done to her isn't permanent. He's going to read her mind, make sure there's not permanent damage there. He's concocted a potion that will dispose of any toxins still in her body that might cause her harm, over time."
At this time, Harry got up and left the kitchen, leaving the two alone. He was eager to see Hermione as she first came down the stairs, so he waited in the living room for Snape's report – if there was any.
At the sound of the door closing behind Harry, the loneliness set in and Sirius crinkled his face with deep emotional thought. He pined over the past, wishing that he never made the agreement to go under the spell and fuck everything up for the mission and Hermione. Now, as he sat there, his life feeling like utter shit, he raised his heavy eyes to his long time friend.
"She knows, now, Sirius. You can relax." Remus informed, knowing that his friend was going to ask something of his dream.
Sirius just watched Remus through a dull, numb expression. He felt no relief, he felt no hope, and he just felt still. His sense of hearing was at his keenest, and he could hear Snape entering her room from above. It still wasn't him, keeping her company.
"Did she say anything, Remus?" Sirius asked, clutching to his mug even tighter, using it for support or a crutch.
"She knows and that's a start. She seemed quiet, like she was absorbing everything I had said. She even asked if you knew what you were saying half the time, and I said, no. I explained to her that Snape had put you under and controlled most of your thinking patterns. She figured out a few answers on her own, as I explained the spell that was over you and for a moment, she nearly grinned," he added, with a lift in his voice. "But you could still see that she was deep in thought of the whole situation."
Sirius closed his eyes, confirming his predictions, "There's no hope, Remus. I've exhausted her enough and all of this will be over, soon."
Remus felt his friend's sorrow, and had nothing encouraging to say. A tinge of guilt settled in him, knowing that because of the good of the Order, Sirius sacrificed a great deal of happiness. Granted, had they eventually come out to everyone, Harry specifically, and admitted their feelings, then maybe they would have stayed together through all of this. But, the two of them together were the most unlikely couple and no one, not even Sirius, believed them to have the staying power.
"Maybe there's still hope, friend. You shouldn't give up, so easily. She didn't say anything afterwards, if that helps." Remus added, still unsure that it was helping.
Sirius just rolled his eyes at his friend, "Loads." He said, sarcastically. "After a few days, when she's talking to me again, I'll tell Harry. I just need to let him know what happened, so he can start hating me, as well."
"She doesn't hate you, Sirius."
"She does, Remus. I hurt her. I made her suffer, and now, she's laid up because she followed me there."
"She wasn't alone, Sirius. It wasn't just her. The other two insisted on going, just as much."
Sirius dropped his eyes to the steam that was rising out of his cup from the warm contents, "No, it was me she was going for. I could see it in her eyes when she caught me with Bella and Narcissa. She wasn't ready for it. She should have known about the plan from the beginning, otherwise..."
"She couldn't, Sirius. What if she had been caught by Voldemort? What if a Death Eater had captured her and given her verituserum and forced her to spill everything. The cover would have been blown!"
"It's already blown, Remus! I fucked it up and now we've got Snape left behind to clean it up. A lot of bloody good that'll do. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go into the living room and sulk." he raised his voice, tossing his coffee mug into the kitchen sink.
Sirius shoulders slumped and forced himself out of the dismal kitchen. He didn't want to have to sit and listen to Remus anymore than he had to, but rather at least get a good jab at Snape when he came down the stairs. Since all the happiness had left him for the time being, he was preparing himself for whatever Hermione was going to throw his way, if she chose to come down the stairs.
Remus watched Sirius leave, carrying a heavy burden on his shoulders. He had done the right thing for the Order, and still, he couldn't see that. Trying to convince a rather stubborn man otherwise, deemed impossible.
There was one more thing that Remus didn't tell Sirius about the conversation he'd had that morning with Hermione. It was that after all was explained to her, as she sat up against propped pillows in the bed, that she hung on his every word like her life depended on it.
"He was under for that long, Remus? That was about the time..." she quietly thought to herself, remembering past events, "that things started to get bad."
Remus just nodded for her, agreeing that he, too, had seen a dramatic change in Sirius and he knew that the road ahead wasn't going to be a good one.
"I wish we could have told you, Hermione. He wanted, so bad, to let you in on what he was doing, but we decided that it was in your best interests that you didn't find out. We were afraid-"
"-That Voldemort would make me tell him." she answered, as if she agreed with the plan and understood why they kept it secret.
Remus grinned slightly pleased that she was slowly lifting the anger that had settled within her. "He didn't know what he was doing, Hermione. He was out of his mind; well, more than usual, anyway."
Hermione met his eyes with a hidden shine as if there was hope at the end of her dark tunnel. "What's he doing now?"
"He's sleeping the morning away, actually. He's been holed up in his room since he carried you in here, last night."
"He carried me?" she whispered.
"He did, and then he left you with us. I saw him sneak out sometime before you started to wake up. I think he feels that things...aren't going to be the same." Remus explained, afraid to touch on anything too romantic between them. It was not his place to start speaking for Sirius when it comes to his true feelings.
Hermione's eyes drifted towards to door, as if she half expected him to walk right in and finish the conversation like nothing had happened. "They'll be different."
Sirius moped into the living room, where Harry was laying out pieces of Wizard's Chess and trying to tempt him into a game. Sirius just shrugged, quietly admitting that he was also was waiting for Hermione's final bill of health from Snape and agreed to pass the time with a game.
It was a great thing to have the right people back in the right places at the Ministry, but why did it feel like Sirius had just been kicked in the stomach? He felt like all the air had emptied from his lungs and that his entire world was about to come crashing down.
He heard Remus coming into the room and settling behind him in a chair. He occupied himself with a book he left nearby and flipped to his mark. Sirius slumped himself onto the couch, sinking further and further as Harry finished setting up the pieces. He rolled his head back against the cushions and closed his eyes to hear the gentle pit pat of Hermione on the floor about them. He had familiarized himself with it so well, that even in the loudest of households, he would still be able to pick out which sounds belonged to her.
Remus made some small talk with Harry chiming in now and then, agreeing that he was excited to get things back to the way they were. The old Sirius would be back and after all of this was over, the godfather and godson duo would be back out on the town together, prowling the streets and pubs.
Since his marriage to Hermione, Harry had to go along with the whole masquerade that his godfather had settled down with the muggle, so it desperately put a snag in their partying. Granted Harry would have never done this with his own father, but there was always something different about having your guardian be one of your best friends. In Sirius, Harry saw a friend and role model, in Harry, Sirius saw James and responsibility and regardless, things would always be that way.
With heavy steps down the staircase, Snape announced his return and swung around the banister with eyes on Sirius, like he'd done something horribly wrong. Then, he aimed his eyes on Remus. He pointed to him and motioned to step a little bit further away from Harry and Sirius to discuss something. Remus narrowed his eyes and quickly stepped to his feet to follow Snape out of earshot. Sirius barely craned his neck but let his eyes follow on the sniveling potions puppy.
"What is it, Severus? Is she okay?" Remus whispered, keeping his voice quiet.
Severus quietly explained his process and said her general health was fine, her mental state had no damage, but when he gave her the toxin elixir, her body rejected it.
"What do you mean, her body rejected it?" Remus asked, concerned for his young friend.
Sirius raised his attentions to the staircase, as he heard lighter, heavenly steps coming down the stairs. Carefully and quietly, Hermione started to slowly descend down the stairs with an elegant airy grace. Her hand barely touched the old wooden railing and she kept her head ducked low, watching each and every step her foot took, as if she'd just learned to walk again.
Sirius caught that warm feeling of ease that she was going to be all right and he couldn't help but smile to himself over how pretty she looked, even in her house robe that was loosely tied around her waist.
Through her messy brown tendrils, her face emerged, looking ahead of her in a trance-like state. She was different, concerned, but content and only Sirius noticed the change.
Slowly sitting up from his slumping down into the couch, he asked, "Hermione, love, are you all right?"
She didn't look at him as she took the last step off the staircase, and instead just stared at the coffee table with her mouth turned into a slight grin and mind deep in thought. She slowly nodded, finally acknowledging Sirius and began to whisper a few things to herself.
"Maybe it's finally just settled in, that she's not going to have to stay married to you, Sirius." Harry chuckled, leaning over to playfully punch his godfather in the arm.
Sirius paid no attention and was deeply concerned for the way she was acting; something was not right. Hermione smiled a little bigger when she heard Harry and lightly shook her head, implying that it wasn't the case.
Snape stood with his arms crossed, irritated, but waiting to see how the outcome was going to be. Remus watched Snape, then Hermione, anxious as well.
"Hermione, what is it?" Sirius asked, again.
Slowly, her eyes rose to meet his, dropping her smile and focusing just on him. "Things are going to change now, aren't they?"
Harry started laughing, assuring everyone that it was Hermione just realizing the annulment. Sirius shushed Harry to quiet down from distracting him from what she was trying to say.
Hermione's mouth opened, taking a deep breath before saying, "I'm pregnant."
In a flash, Sirius was up and standing in front of Hermione, cradling her face in his trembling hands.
"What!?" Harry gasped, coughing as he choked his words out, absolutely stunned.
Sirius whispered to her, "Truly?" His whole body was shaking like a leaf, as if he couldn't be happier, but just as frightened that there was a painful catch.
Her eyes were bright and hopeful as she bit her lip and nodded.
Sirius sighed heavy, quietly elated with the news and leaned his forehead against hers the way he used to and just cherished her face in his palms again, "We're going to have a baby, together?"
His words broke down her defensive wall and she started to let tears slowly stream down her cheeks. Her concerned face turned into that of relief. She felt the air fill her lungs once again and her heart was light and fluttering. Together.
Hermione couldn't speak, she was so nervous, and just nodded for him. She hadn't expected him to act like this; she hadn't expected him to act like anything.
"So, we don't get an annulment? We stay married?" he suggested, curling his fingers in her hair behind her ears, tenderly.
Again, she only nodded, but furiously.
"Merlin's Beard, thank God!" he sighed, pulling her in for a most desperate kiss.
Harry sat absolutely still and completely stunned, not believing what he was hearing. Remus watched on, beginning to smile again, once he saw that two of them seemed to be happy with the news. He was concerned at first, when Snape had said her body had rejected the detox potion, which could only mean that it was a bad reaction with something of a higher power. Once he saw Hermione coming down the stairs, and the way she looked at Sirius, he just knew.
Remus had been so caught up with the pair that he nearly forgot all about Harry, who was hearing all this news for the first time. He quickly went to Harry, who seemed to have trouble with the simple act of taking oxygen into his lungs, and put a caring arm around him.
"It's all right, Harry. Take it easy, now. Just try to breathe normally." Remus soothed.
"You mean you two..." Harry shouted, complete worry and disappointment that he hadn't seen it coming, "They were really together?" He looked anxiously at Remus, desperately wanting answers. "They were sleeping together?" he yelled, absolutely baffled with their display. Finally, he looked back down at his chess set, as if it had just settled in on him, that he had to have been blind, "I never saw it; I thought they were faking it!" Harry startled to ramble on, trying to convince himself while being consoled by Remus.
Sirius pulled away from her soft lips and leaned his forehead against hers. He couldn't think of the right words to say that he was just so happy to have her with him again. Now, as he felt her soft tendrils over his fingers, and hearing her breathless from their kiss, he felt complete. The damage had been done, but it was easy to overcome. His destiny had been decided for him, after all. The wards he had put up to protect them had to have been taken down, to allow just an extra piece of his serenity come to him.
When Trelawny had said that he was to protect another, and another, and another it was Hermione, Harry and his unborn child. It all made sense.
It was true, he had cheated death already, but it was only that day, as he was told that he was going to be a father, did he truly feel reborn.
Sirius Black would never have believed that he would find his destiny in the gawky thirteen year old girl he first met, fresh from prison. He knew somewhere above, James and Lily might have had a hand in planning it with the Gods, and he was forever grateful. He'd been cheated out of his youth, lost all those years wasting away in a dark cold cell, and only when he confronted his godson did he first meet his wife-to-be.
Hermione closed her eyes to him, smiling her rosebud lips and nuzzling her nose against his unshaven cheek. She was young, yes. She was his godson's best friend, yes. She was now to be the mother of his child, yes. The rest of his life would be complete.
With every emotion in his being, he quietly whispered, "I love you."
THE END.
Epilogue to Follow.