I met up with Ashley again at lunchtime, still confused as to her brush off earlier that day, she didn't mention it though - instead we just fell back into how we've always been. Comfortable. I shrugged off her brush off and started to talk about my parents crumbling marriage – once again leaving out my little run in with my mother.

"I wish my parents weren't acting like complete freaks. Suspicious, controlling," In truth they had more reason to be suspicious, but once again the main brunt of their suspicion was aimed at me. Unfairly aimed at me. Glen should have gotten the same amount of flack, if for nothing more than hanging round with Madison – the devil carries a Prada handbag. Then again, most of what was getting hurled at me was not from dad, but from mum and Glen is the mini male – however slutty (wait, can a guy even be a slut?) – version of her. "I wish I didn't care." About any of it, I wish I were more like Ash.

"You have a lot of experience in this area, it's not you, its totally them," I know she's talking, like words are leaving her mouth, but all I can focus on is the way her lips move when she talks, "parents are not rational people, something happens when you get older," I give a soft nod, some of her word penetrating my ears, "I think it's hormones." I heard "moans", that's something right? "They focus on you so much that they don't have to focus on themselves and all their crap."

I smile grateful for her advice – sure that if I had heard more of it, it would have been of use, "Thanks."

She smiles at me andI go to hug her, something in my mind screams at me to kiss her, but I chicken out and just wrap my arms around her tightly, never wanting to let go. My chin rests on her shoulder and my face turns inwards toward the side of her head, my hands tangling in her soft hair and the sweet smell of vanilla shampoo invades my senses.

I close my eyes, trying to take in the feeling of have Ash in my arms, but quickly she stiffens in my embrace and I can feel the air shift as she rips her body away from me, running away from me once more that day, muttering, "I have to go."

And again, since the first time since I met Ashley, I start to wonder if she's bi-polar. Or maybe she just doesn't like hugs? I shake my head trying to clear my rapidly confusing thoughts, pulling out a few heavy textbooks from my locker I slam the metal door shut and scurry off, my mind clouded with thoughts of Ashley.

-------

Okay, this is messed up. I'm at Gray with Ashley and Aiden, although Ashley might as well not be here as she's barely spoken to me the whole night. Or since she ran off earlier for that matter. It's not just that she's not talking to me, it that she's barely looking at either – she's blanking me – and I don't even know why. Was it something I said? Something I did? I can't figure out what, and it bugging me. A lot. I snapped at Clay earlier, and I can feel unjustified irritated anger sitting just below the surface of my skin, waiting to bubble up.

She still can't meet my gaze. I'm seriously contemplating grabbing her face, just so she has to acknowledge my presence.

Before I can make a grab for her, Aiden comes back, his fingers wrapped around our drinks, "Who had the club soda?" Aiden, go away, "Ok, I'll just talk to myself." Ashley just look at me already, "Maybe meet two new girls to get messed up in the head with."

I disregard him and scootch over to Ash, "What is up with you Ashley?" And she ignores me – in the same way I just ignored Aiden – her eyes dart over the club, never setting their gaze near me. Her head bobs to the music and I can see her jaw tighten, "Look sometimes you're pulling me close to you and then I try to take a step towards you and you close up and move away." Bi-polar, she's gotta be bi-polar.

I feel like I'm invisible. Until Aiden pips up, "Exactly." Then I just feel like I'm invisible to Ashley and pissed off at Aiden.

"Can you give us a minute?" part of me feels sorry for snapping at him – as he has been so understanding and generally nice recently – but I'm pissed off and he's in my line of fire.

"Uh, sure, I'll be right over here if either of you guys decides to straighten up." Straighten up? Funny.

"Cute." And that's the first thing I've heard her say all night – well at least I know that she's not deaf. "Do you want that life, stupid little comments about what you are and how you feel?" She seems as pissed off as I feel, "That's why I learned to laugh most things off," She smiles at little to illustrate her point, "because it hurts too much to do anything else." Any semblance of a smile has left her face and she just looks bitter. And once more her gaze shifts away from me.

"You know what," I don't care about snippy little comments and, I don't care if my mother tries to perform an exorcism on me, all I care about is Ashley, and being with her. Because when I'm around her I feel alive and I know that I don't have to lie about who I am – however subconscious – I can just be me. "I can't just be your friend Ashley, it has to be more than that, or I'm out of your life." I don't mean it as an ultimatum, I just don't think I could bare being around her and not being with her.

Her eyebrows twitch; almost as if she were about to start frowning and her eyes start to bore into my own – as if she were searching for something. "And I need to figure out mine." Which seems almost impossible without her, it's because of Ashley that I've got a new found clarity about life.

Her eyes cloud over with love and warmth and her head dips towards mine a little, and for a second I think she's going to kiss me. She doesn't though. Instead she casts her eyes down and starts playing with her hands.

I wait for a reply, which I don't receive. So I leave. Even though I don't want to, I leave. Just like I said I would. Even though everything in me is screaming at my legs to turn around and go back, I leave. As soon as I'm outside I ring my dad, asking for a lift home.

I want to cry.