Just a little warning, this part contains gratuitous use of the certain word that starts with the letter "f".
I spent most of the night fuming about the last interaction I had with Spencer that day, I knew that she had every right to nervous and confused, but it still mad me angry. I don't know why I was so mad at her trepidation; it was only natural, and more so considering her background – after all she was from a small religious midwestern town – and then there was her family. Even though I knew all this, the irrational part of my mind was still pissed off at the way she had acted, pissed off and kicking its heels at how slowly she had been coming to terms with her sexuality – I understood that for some people it was a really big thing and it takes time to come to terms with it, but it had been over two months since she had stated that she thought she "liked girls", so her homosexuality was hardly latent. And I'm deeply impatient.
We both know that she is the dreaded "g" word, you know the one, it's got three letters in it, rhymes with may. Yeah, that one. But things had been fucked up since she had essentially come-out to me. What with all the shit with Aiden (and the threesome that wasn't), then with Josie and me getting suspended, and then with Madison jacking my phone and Spencer getting suspended.
Things could have been finally getting back on track, but then Glen decided to be the homophobic jackass and scare the shit out of Spencer (sending her running, causing any ground we had made recently to be lost) – though Madison has some blame to take in that as well. Fucking Catholics!
I don't get it, I don't get her. I mean I like her – and she knows it – and she likes me; so we like each other – but we can't just be together. And, it's that the bit that I don't understand. I mean, I don't think I've ever felt this strongly about anyone before, but for some reason (for some cosmic fucked up irony), we can't be together. Fuck that, we can be together, but we're not. And I think it's because of Spencer. Or at least the fear that's ruling her.
I just wish that she'd stop trying to be the perfect daughter, the perfect Catholic, the perfect student, the perfect everything! I wish she'd stop trying to be perfect and "normal". Because by now she should realise that normalcy is a fallacy, it's a lie concocted by politicians and the media, and imposed by the bitches at the top of the social hierarchy. Being a "normal" teenager is a contradiction in term, it's like having a non-dysfunctional family. The idea of a "functional" family is in actual fact full of dysfunction – and it's anything but normal.
And Spence' should learn this and stop trying to be who and what everyone else wants her to be and start living for her, start doing what she wants to do and stop worrying about everyone and everything else. I want her to stop listening to her head and start listening to her heart.
This is just a slight view into what I think about in relation to Spencer, I keep trying to find reasons why we're not together – that way I can think about her without focusing on her, because if I were to focus on her, I'd see that she is the only thing or person that's stopping us from being a couple. And I don't want to focus or even to think about that.
And I really shouldn't be thinking about this whilst driving to school because there's a good chance it's going to make me extra sour today and I'm not paying any attention to the road. Shit.
I pull up in the parking lot and Glen – the jackass – Carlin is waiting for me, great, what does he want. "To what do I own the stalking?" I walk past him, not wanting this little conversation to drag on.
"I want you to quit hitting on my sister." Oh great, I really don't need this.
I stop and turn around, "She asked you to do this?" If he says "yes", I'm walking right back to my car.
He looks uncomfortable, "No," well that's something at least, "but this isn't what she is." He has absolutely no idea about what Spencer is or isn't, because he doesn't know her – not like he thinks he does.
"What she is, this is about you," and you're a jackass, "not her and unless I hear it from her, we're good." I start to turn around, that is until he grabs my arm and turns me right back round again. Ew, straight boy germs! I don't even want to know where his hands have been, but considering he's dating the hoe-bag Madison, it can't have been anywhere good.
"Look, she's telling you okay, you just don't want to hear it. And it you really care about her, you'll back off." Great, now do I stay away from Spencer because I really do care about her, or do I not stay away from Spencer, because I really do care about her. Ugh, families!
I hate this, I hate this so much.
-------------------------
"Well if it isn't the loneliest lesbian." Oh great it's the Queen Bitch. I so do not need this right now. I've been avoiding Spencer – just like her brother told me to – it's be almost a whole school day and I'm going nuts, I forgot how much I hated this place. But I really don't think I can take breathing in the same air as Madison right now, let alone have one of our verbal-spats.
"Look, I'm not in the mood right now to kick your arse, so why don't you take your get out of jail free card and have a nice day." Or just find a speeding car to run out in front of. I turn back round, not wanting to see the skank any more.
"Wow, you're really off. I guess you heard about your ex and your current hooking up." Okay, what the fuck?
Once more I turn round, "What are you talking about?"
"Oh, Spencer and Aiden," this isn't going to be good, "going out on Saturday," oh fantastic, "on a real date," terrific, "you know like a boy and a girl." Boy and girl; does she have to be so fucking homophobic?
Unless, of course, "You're lying."
"I'm not."
"She's not." Ugh, I hear a crony, a mini-Madison, I really, really hate today.
"Shut up mini-me!"
"So pathetic." I really fucking hate school.
"Oh, I hate to be the bearer of bad news." Yeah, about as much as I'd hate to stab you in the ovaries.
Well at least this weekend is going to suck major arse. Wohoo! Kill me, just kill me now.