I'm sitting here, nursing a diet coke, diet coke; what the fuck? Why aren't I drinking? Fucking Spencer, setting a good example, fucking heterosexuals! I'm in a club – playing crap music – the same club Madison and Glen are currently in and I'm thinking about the girl I'm in love with, who's out with my ex-boyfriend. This is fucked, in one way or another. Why don't I have anywhere else to go? God damnit!

"Go home Ashley, do you really think being here tonight watching everyone couple up is going to make you feel better?" Why can't Cat be my mother? I wonder if she'd be willing to adopt a sixteen-year-old lesbian fuck up? I must remember to ask her later.

"I don't know," well, actually no, there is no way in hell this will make me feel better, unless something cruel and unusual happens to Madison – that would cheer me up, "but maybe I'm supposed to be feel this way."

"You did nothing wrong." I fell in love, that's wrong, or just dumb, "You can't make someone love you, honey." I thought she liked me though, I mean really liked me.

"Yeah, but, she told me she likes girls, I know she likes me, I just don't get it, what happened?" What did I do?

"It's a big step, give her some time," how much more time does she need? "Eventually love trumps fear." That's bollocks. "Every time." Complete and utter bollocks, but I want to believe it.

----

Fucking hetero's, ugh, I need vodka.

"Hey, are you alone, or is your girlfriend coming back?" I know this girl, who is she? I'm getting images or an irate mother, stolen credit cards, lines of white powder and… Paige!

"No, I'm alone," all alone.

"Look at my good timing, to catch you in between." She wants me. Looks like this night is getting better.

I never understand girls, even when they know that they're going to get laid they'll still flirt and casually touch you here and there – I don't understand the point, it just seems like a waste of time and energy. It's not as if they need to seal the deal or anything.

Hmm, but I have missed kissing girls. The last time was… well the almost kiss with Spencer, and that was… no! Fuck, don't think about her.

Paige is tugging at my arm, are we going yet? No, we're just going to make out in the toilets. Fine by me. Although, I'd rather we just cut to the chase; it's been so long.

I'm straddling her on her chaise longue, fuck; lets hurry this up, "You wana go back to my place?"

"For old times sake?" does that mean she's going to 'jack half of my mothers stuff again?

"For whatever."

"Sure. Look," she waves a little baggie half full of white powder in front of my face – it looks like it's time for a few hits of coke – "party favours, it's good to be the dealer." She drags me out of the door, I stall for a second in front of the mirror – I wonder if Spencer would recognise me if she saw me now?

----------------

I inhale deeply through my nose, white powder shooting past my nostrils. As I draw my head back from the small mirror I wrinkle my nose, Paige really should buy a bullet. My nose twitches and I feel like I'm going to sneeze, I'm still buzzing from the line I did ten minutes ago.

I let my head fall back onto the couch and listen to the sound of my dealer snorting the last of the charlie. No matter how many lines I do, I still wont get the buzz I'm looking for, the first initial high of coke is incredible, but it's one that can never be replicated – I still do it though. I need the boost. Spencer is out with Aiden (the man whore!) and I'm lonely, and Paige was paying attention to me – more than little miss I'm so sweet and innocent and straight, I couldn't possibly ever be gay. Blah! I hate what she does to me, the, I like girls but oh no, I want Aiden crap is old. Really old.

She's not supposed to want him, she's supposed to want me. Fuck this, fuck her. She wants to lie to herself about who she is, that's fine by me, just as long as she keeps her head fuckery away from me.

I sit up and push my body away from the couch – already feeling better about myself – I start to stagger over to my bed, since when did toot make you so off balance? I'm still wavering back and forth on my feet when I hear the annoyingly loud sound of my phone ringing. Fuck it. Paige answers it, "Hello", since when was she standing up? Whatever I make a grab for her, "Who's this?", – deciding that the best way I can forget about Spencer is to fuck a former flame – I swipe my hand back and forth in front of my throat gesturing to Paige to just hang up – stupid telemarketers – after unsuccessfully trying to grab her, I just end up falling back onto my bed. Hmm, comfy. "Sorry, she doesn't want to talk to you, later." Oh fuck, I think I'm getting a nosebleed.

My eyes feel heavy and breathing is suddenly harder, where's Spencer? She'll look after me, where's my little blondie? Spencer? Don't go back to Ohio; come back to me, back to L.A – Lesbian's Ago-go. Spencer where are you? Spencer…