This music sucks, this atmosphere sucks, this… "Who had the club soda?" Aiden sucks. "Ok, I'll just talk to myself. Maybe meet two new girls to get messed up in the head with." Maybe you should just shut up.

"What is up with you Ashley?" She's moved closer to me, I can feel the heat radiating off of her body, I can smell her perfume, I can feel the need to pull her closer bubbling up under my skin. I want to. I want to so badly it hurts, but I can't, I can't bring her into this, so I look away, unable to meet her beautiful gaze. "Look sometimes you're pulling me close to you and then," then I realise what I'm doing, "I try to take a step towards you and you close up and move away." My gaze rests on the table, I can't meet her eyes; not now. She doesn't know, doesn't know that the last thing I want to do is pull away, that the shirt I'm wearing was picked out for her. That ever morning I stand in my wardrobe and pick out the perfect outfit for her, that now I'm doing this for her. I'm pushing her away to protect her, to save her. "Exactly." Must Aiden always be here, with us? I turn to shoot him an annoyed glare and in my peripheral vision catch sight of Spencer doing the same – something about our synchronized movements makes me want to laugh.

"Can you give us a minute?" She sounds pissed off, and at this stage I'm not sure who she's more irritated with.

"Uh, sure, I'll be right over here if either of you guys decides to," I can see a smile creep over his face as he carefully picks out his words, the little hamster in his brain running through his little wheel as fast as he can, "straighten up." The double-entendre leaves his lips, making his smile turn to smirk, his particular brand of comedy neither smart nor funny.

"Cute." I watch as he heads over to the bar, my attention being drawn back to Spencer. "Do you want that life, stupid little comments about what you are," I can feel her gaze pinned on me, her eyes burning into my own as they flicker back and forth, too scared to meet hers, "and how you feel?" I know she doesn't, and she doesn't deserve to have to live that life either. "That's why I learned to laugh most things off," I'm telling her the truth and she knows it.

I've given her a window, a juncture for her to run off, declaring her heterosexuality; she needs to take it. "Because it hurts too much to do anything else."

"You know what," she looks beautiful tonight, "I can't just be your friend Ashley, it has to be more than that, or I'm out of your life." My chest constricts, my heart screaming at me not to let Spencer go, I knew that I couldn't be with her, but not being able to still be around her? I don't know if I can bear that. "And I need to figure out mine." I watch her mouth as she talks, the way her bottom lip jars up to meet her top one at the end of each word and the way the side of her mouth twitches… I don't know if I can do this, I want her so much and she's giving me the perfect opportunity to voice my feelings, I stare at her lips, it would be so easy for me just to lean forward and steal a kiss… my body sways forward and I pull back with all of my strength. I have to let her go; it's the only way.

My head drops and I see her shift in her seat and get up, like a flower towards the sun, I can feel my body involuntarily incline to her, unformulated declarations of love stinging my muted lips.

My head drops into my palms and all I can think about is how to save Spencer from getting hurt, I've just hurt her.

--------------------

"What do I do about Spencer?" After Spencer left the night before, Aiden made his way back to me and silently drove me home, never mentioning the cold shoulder myself and Spencer had hit him with.

It's been a painfully short amount of time since I've seen her, and I'm already missing Spencer, I crave her. I thought I saw her earlier, well I saw a curtain of golden blonde hair trying to get away from me – I just assume it was her.

"Don't ask me, I'm the only one in this school not hooking up."

"Yeah, but your aloneness gives you a certain clarity." Well that, and I have no one else that I can ask, plus he did date me and, well he kissed Spence' a few times that's gotta count for something. "What do I do?" I want her, but I don't want to hurt her, there has to be a way around things, right?

"Do you want to be with her?"

"I don't know," which is a lie, because I know I do, "what if I scare her away?"

"I think you're the one that's afraid." Excuse me? How do I end up as the scared one?

"No."

"Yes," No, "I know from experience that you're the one that does the heart breaking, maybe, maybe you're afraid that Spencer's the one that's gonna break yours." No, no, no, he's wrong, he's so wrong. Okay, I think he's right.

Hmm, Aiden is coming across as being awfully gay; I've gota talk to Spencer about that. "What are you thinking?" That we need to get you a boyfriend.

"That you'd make a great girl."