My stomach is filled with vomiting butterflies as I stand on Spencer's doorstep, my shaking hand hovering over the doorbell, I watch as my fingers subtly twitch, the tips mere millimetres from the plastic buzzer. It's not too late to turn around and go home, it's not like she's expecting me, she probably doesn't even want to see me – I doubt Spencer has even thought about me today. Shut up you coward and ring the damn doorbell!

Before I can't get into an argument with myself, my index finger shoots forward and the classic "doorbell sound" chimes in my ears, it's still not too late to turn and run. I look at my feet as they refuse to move - stupid feet! Fourteen seconds and no answer, I guess no one is home - I can leave now. I glare at my feet, move you fucking idiots, the golden door handle catches the light as it's turned to the left, oh shit. It's Spencer, she's going to want to know what the hell I'm doing here – wait, what the hell am I doing here? Oh yeah, that's right I'm… it's Mr. C.

Maybe Spencer isn't home, maybe, oh there she is, I feel like I can't breathe, she won't even look at me. Oh fuck, I just interrupted a moment, I know I did. I look back at Spencer's dad, I want to know if it's okay to be there. I wonder if Spencer has just poured her heart out, telling him about how much I've fucked her around? I hope not, he wouldn't have let me in, would he?

"It's good to see you Ashley." He smiles at me, it's warm and it's genuine, it's the same type of smile I've seen Spencer sport many times before.
"Nice to see you too, Mr. C." I look back over to his daughter, she can't meet my gaze. I've royally fucked this up, I'll just apologise and leave – that would be best for her. She turns and walks away, into their living room area – I follow after her, I wonder if she know's how deeply she's affected me?

She sits down and looks up expectantly at me, "So?"
She's waiting for me to speak, waiting for my lame excuses as to why I've been fucking with her head – the rationalization that I was hurting her to prevent her from getting hurt seems anything but rational and far from smart.

I take a seat next to her, "So, I'm sorry," the word sorry seems so foreign coming out of my mouth, I can't remember the last time I sincerely used it. I meet her eyes, I want her to know that I mean what I say, I need her to know that I never want to hurt her, "I'm sorry, for the come here, go away trip I've been putting you through." I'm sorry that I hurt you, I'm sorry that your parents are splitting up, I'm sorry that Glen is such a jack-off and I'm sorry that even now I can't stop thinking about ripping the clothes from your body and making you mine, over and over again.

"Okay," she pauses, she's about to tell me she never wants to see my worthless self ever again, I know it… "Why would you do that?" I think about lying to her, telling her that this was all just a game and that I only wanted to mess with her head – that would be the easy way out. But as I sit here, so close to her, so close that I can see every emotion in her eyes, so close that I can smell her and so close that it would only take a millisecond to reach over and finally know what her lips taste like. I can't, I just can't lie to her. Spencer is like a walking polygraph, I just can't lie to her, she has this invisible hold over me, even if I fought it and managed to lie, she'd know anyway.

I resolve to tell her to truth, "Because I want you," I draw in a shaky breath, "and I don't want to hurt you." My mouth is dry and my heart is pounding so fast I think I'm about to vomit adrenaline.

She smiles and nods a little at my admission, God I hope she's willing to give "us" a chance, to give me a chance. "I can take care of myself." Or, maybe not, I'm already picking out which emo songs I'm going to listen to when I get home when she starts talking again, "And with some let over to take care of you."

I think my heart just started beating.

Does she know how much I need her, that she's my figurative rock? Does she know how happy she's just made me?

"Come to my place tonight, mum's gona be in La Costa for a couple of days." I don't mean it as a proposition, I just want to spend time with her, we don't have to do anything, just as long as she's close enough for me to smell her shampoo, that's all I need.

"Okay." Her smile makes my knees weak, and I thank God that I choose to sit down, otherwise my face would be getting acquainted with the floor.

We're in the car and the silence is so uncomfortable it's almost unbearable, I can't help myself from stealing glances at Spencer, she's absently staring out of the window, she looks beautiful. I can feel my lips pull upwards even more as my grin continues to stretch, probably covering half of my face by now, I don't care though – I'm completely contented and I love it.

Spencer doesn't even notice when we pull up outside of my house, still grinning I get out of my car and open the passenger side door for her.