Chapter 38:

It had been some more than a week since Danny had first returned to work and the awkward feeling about it still hadn't vanished – it rather had increased. He was doing his job as he was supposed to do and he wasn't in any way unfriendly around his co-workers, but still the situation was extremely tensed up.

It was the simple fact that his whole way of behaving was nothing like him after all – at least not like the person he had been before this incident. He completely lacked of his self-assurance, he barely ever talked to anyone if not absolutely necessary and the one thing he hadn't done once since he had returned to work had been smiling.

He had closed in, staying completely to himself, although they had tried to reach him numerously. They had asked him to join them for lunch, had offered to take him home at late evenings and had tried about half a dozen other things, but the reaction they got from him was always the same – rejection.

The situation with Jack was – for some reason the rest of the team couldn't detect – even worse. It seemed like Danny was tensing up immediately whenever the senior agent was close to him. They weren't talking to each other – at least not really. Jack had so far managed to communicate with him through the rest of the team.

But that wasn't it. It seemed like Danny felt deeply embarrassed by the simple presence of the other man – it made him extremely uncomfortable. With him it was even worse, because Jack at least had attempted during the first few days. But Danny didn't even bring up enough courage – or whatever else he was lacking of, that made it impossible for him – to ever look at the senior agent.

He had returned to this place and in first place everyone had seen this as a good sign, as a process of getting everything back the way it was. Just that nothing was like it had been before. The whole situation, the relation between them had changed and no matter how hard they tried there seemed to be no chance to get past it.

Actually it was partly their fault. Of course they had tried in other ways, but really talking to him hadn't been part of the routine. It had simply seemed impossible. How do you start a normal conversation, knowing that the other person had been brutally tortured just some weeks ago? How do you watch your words, trying not to agitate the other one?

As Jack had basically forbidden them to ask Danny about it and nobody was really that eager to know – apart from the fact that he wouldn't say a word – nobody had tried. It had simply seemed too hard, but it was another reason for the whole tension and discomfort around here right now. Having a conversation just like that, without thinking about it, not choosing words carefully – had always been a part of the every day socializing around each other. Now it had gone.

It was that Friday morning – 12 days after Danny's return – when one of them, Samantha in particular, finally tried. She was early that morning, it was about 6:30, but when she entered the office Danny was already there, although he didn't seem to have detected her presence. She knew she had exactly two choices right now – she could rather ignore his presence or try to talk to him.

She was uncomfortable about it, about being forced to make that decision, because neither one of the choices really seemed right to her. She would want to have him standing there by the wide window all to himself, but neither did she know what to say to him. She had no idea how to have a normal conversation with him.

She gently put her things down on her desk and made up her mind to go over to him. Having a start was – in most cases – the most difficult part of a conversation. But as he hadn't detected her so far and she hadn't made herself audible – having a start wasn't that much of a problem. Finding the words afterwards was the thing she worried about.

She left her desk, slowly and almost soundlessly walking over to him, immediately remembering Jack's warning about the rules he had asked them to keep to. She tried not to care about it too much and simply just kept on walking, finally addressing him.

„Danny?"

She was asking in a soft, almost vulnerable tone as she approached him from behind now, but he would neither turn nor answer her. It seemed like he wasn't even really there, like his mind had drifted off to some other place. Without thinking she reached out a hand, gently touching him by the shoulder. But she immediately pulled her hand back as he winced by her touch and quickly turned around facing her, fear clearly visible on his face.

"Don't! Don't do this, don't touch me."

"I'm sorry..."

He turned away again, not reacting to her apology and she didn't know what to do. If she should rather stay there and hope for an answer or if she should just turn and leave him all to himself, battling his very own demons. After all this time they had been given, the whole time of Danny's recovery process she still hadn't made out a way to cope with the situation.

"Just leave me, leave me alone, Sam..."

The tone in his voice was heartbreaking – it was a silent plea for help – and she had no idea how to help him. She wasn't a doctor, she wasn't a psychologist and she was not qualified to help him through his misery. However she was a friend and as a friend it was her responsibility to offer him her help. What else were friends for?

She stayed where she was, not listening to his demand, but stayed silent. She knew this wasn't about her and she wasn't the one who needed to start a conversation. She had decided to give him some more moments to reach out to her, and if he wouldn't, she would grant him his wish. She wouldn't force him, but she at least wanted to be able to convince herself she had tried. If she would simply walk away like this now...

But he wouldn't react to her – not verbally at least. She could see that his tension was growing by her presence as she still stood there behind him, waiting for his response. She knew he wanted her to go away, but she hoped that wish would make him turn and face her, talk to her, so he would achieve that goal. But on the other hand – rejecting and ignoring them had become something he was really good at.

She almost didn't expect him to help her out with the situation and finally come up with some response that would allow her to have a conversation with him. He still did not turn to her, obviously not wanting her to see his facial expression, but he responded to her. His voice sounded raspy and actually he sounded completely unwilling and almost rude when he finally responded to her.

"What do you want from me?"

"I simply just wanna talk to you..."

"Why?"

She was astonished by his question. She had expected about half a dozen other things – from rejection, ignorance or even being yelled at, but she hadn't expected him to ask for her motivation. And it was a hard question to answer, for she didn't know for sure for herself why she actually felt the need to talk to him.

Being honest it was a selfish reason. She simply wanted to feel better, she wanted to get rid of all the tension around here and she wanted to be able to have a normal working routine and relation with her co-worker. She wanted to be alright and this had been the one way to achieve it. Just that she couldn't tell him that.

"I,... I don't know – do I need a reason to talk to you?"

She hadn't meant to sound that offending, she didn't even know where that reaction came from. It hadn't even taken five minutes and she already felt sorry about her decision. She hadn't only managed to not reach him, she had also managed to offend him.

For some reason unknown to her, he finally decided to turn and look at her. She had actually expected to see anger or disbelief on his face – but there was absolutely no emotion visible on his face. He crossed his arms before his chest, the scars on his wrists visible to her for a few seconds as he did so and gave her a hard look.

She was pretty sure whatever he was about to say to her or ask her right now, it wouldn't be a pleasant conversation. However she had to blame that on herself, she had decided to do this, had decided to force him to talk to her. Now she would have to deal with his reaction...