Warning: this chapter has mentions of sex. They don't actually do in here but I do give a little of subtext (you can't spell butt sex without subtext… I'm sorry, I'll let myself out). It's towards the bottom as a heads up.
This-no! Why?! Why me? Why do bad things always happen to me?! What have I done to deserve this treatment? A seven year old that never did anything wrong and played by the rules. Was that such a bad thing to force her to kill innocent people? Fucking answer me!
Silence from any outside being. Nothing had changed. The twins and Ratchet were still crying big fat tears. One thing that caught my attention was the lack of a body, I couldn't find where my body was. That was strange. Unless when I died, it went up in ashes due to the energy. If that was the case, it would be swell. Zayden-… oh no.
No! Heat raced to my finger tips as I had no time to restrain myself. My body swift shifted into my more monstrous form and my chest heaved. Smoke curled away from my nostrils as the rage built at an amazing but frightful speed. A roar rattled deep down in my chest. My emotions had no cap to restrain or control them.
Even with this angry swirling like a fierce hurricane, my knees buckled. Zayden. No. I told Ratchet! I begged him. Why didn't he let me go see my own father one last time? That was agony. Worst of all… Zayden wouldn't even know I was dead. He would look and look and look but never find because I was dead; with no way of telling him so. No could do it for me either; no one knew where he was.
He even said I wasn't going to die. Well, Ratchet. Look at where those words got me. He should've done the fix. At least it would've given me a better chance at surviving, instead of rolling over and allowing death to take me. So weak! And pathetic! And… and stupid. I stared enraged at his shaking form with such hatred; I didn't know what to do with myself. My entire body felt so off. Nothing was right and I couldn't place my finger on the problem.
My gaze drifted over to Sunstreaker first. That building anger halted. Poor twins. I knew they cared about me, especially Sides, with Sunstreaker in his own strange, different way. Sides always being his fun, childish personality trying to get me give him a smile. Sunstreaker was there for me. He didn't seek out conversations like his brother, he left them to Sides. Instead, touch was his thing. Actions definitely did speak louder for him.
A solemn smile twitched the corner of my lips up. It took a lot of effort not to break. My emotions tearing me apart from the inside out. That aided in tears building up in my eyes as I stared at them; my bottom lip wobbled. I felt so weak, so pathetic. This should've never happened. Could've saved everyone the heart break.
Well, what else did I expect? I was dead.
Just thinking about it made my heart clench. That's not true. I didn't have a heart. Because once more, I was dead. You know, gods and goddess, you guys are real assholes. Many of you love to pick and prod at my life to screw it up. What did a seven year old do to you?
In all of my years, I've never felt so hollow before. It didn't matter that I no longer had a body, my soul felt empty, light, like something was missing. Oh, flabber gasket. My eyes found the twins crying frames as they comfort each other. They were the things missing from my soul. I'm so sorry. I'm re-
Randomly, the ground shook. An earthquake. Something in the back of mind dismissed that. None of the robotic beings paid attention to it, as if they didn't feel or notice it. What the…?
It happened once more, stronger this time. Ratchet's things on his tables shook before either falling or staying in their spot. The CMO paid no attention at all to it or the earthquake tremble. Something was wrong. Was… was this just another nightmare? Oh dear gods, please let that be. Let this all be a nightmare. Please just send me back home, back to my twins. Let me hug them, comfort them, tell them how amazing they look.
The trembling started again, just like the other two times. It happened twice more before I noticed the cracks racing up the walls and ceiling. Yes! It had to be horrible nightmare. I stood back to my feet to watch this evil dream fall apart around me with hope swelling in my chest.
A metal support beam came crashing down right on top of me. This may all be a dream but my instincts were connected to my DNA. I dove with barely any time out of the way. The beam slammed onto bed behind me. It caused the metal bed to fall with the sudden weight.
My body was sent into the air; my wings and tail tried to have me facing the correct way. There wasn't enough time though, even with my ghost like body. Things felt heavier like this. As I fell, everything around faded to black but my conscious stayed awake in this realm.
Voices sounded off in the inky darkness, none of the words could be made sense of though. My falling form slowed until it gently drifted downwards. None of this made since. Was I dead or no? Because what just occurred mad-
'Monster!' That snatched my attention. The word carrier all around with no point of origin. My upper lip curled up in a snarl as fire danced in my eyes. Former building anger returned in full force, stirred by that stupid and insulting word. Excuse me? Wanna try that again? You wann-
'Killer!' This time, it was a different voice but same predicament: no source of origin. This definite-
'Murder!' Now it sounded close. And I was starting to get irked at them calling me things I already knew. I snarled in reaction and spun around to find the origin; yet the inky blackness swallowed everything from sight. Try something new and intelligent. My own mother has called me all of those and more. Those overused words don't do much to me.
As I was thinking: This definitely was a dream. Which meant I wasn't dead. Or this could be my own little Hell spot down in the devil's domain. Many would think we would be best of buddy's: a murdering monster that killed everything in sight for fun. Those who know me personally would think quite the opposite. A fierce creature wanting to do some good in the world; to help protect the innocents I once used kill. Time has changed and so has the control that someone used to have over me.
'Mama's soldier!' Heat swelled in the back of my throat. How fucking dare you?! I moved to sit up and search through the darkness for anything that would me a clue. Nothing. This realm blacked out everything from sight.
'You listened so well.' That voice haunted me in nightmares. 'But Cyrus wasn't please, which means I'm not pleased.' Emotions boiled near the brim of the pot as snapped my head in every direct for the tiniest of signs. Fear crawled up the back of my throat; just the sound of that voice struck terror to my core.
Nothing. Lucifer had stuck me in my own horrible, nasty Hell for the rest of eternity.
'Good girl. Again.' It was always again, again, again. I did everything to the book and more. She even praised me for it but made me go over it, even after I was on the verge of passing out. Nothing I did though completely pleased her, especially if Cyrus didn't like it. If he didn't, I had to redo it, over and over and over. That thing was never happy with anything I did, never gave me true praise. It was always mocked with a honeyed smile. Everything was a fake with her. Those smiles, words, expressions. All fake just to give a sense of false security
I could feel the anger hit the pots edge, threatening to splash over. If only she was truly here, then I could end it all by releasing all the rage she caused inside of me. Effectively killing us both, ending it all. Once and f-
'Nightmare! It's Nightmare!' I snarled, really snarled like a savaged beast and sent a stream of fire from my mouth in a random direction. It, of course, never anything and that pissed me off more. Come on. You wanna tease me! You're all bark, no bite. Face me and take your death like a real person.
My words did nothing. No one or thing came from the shadows. What else did-
Light blinded me. Something held down my arms, restraining. My senses were completely out of whack and couldn't be relied upon. One thing that register in my brain was everything hurt; muscles were on the verge of cramping, a raging headache pounding against my eyes, sharp stabbing pains in my chest.
First thing first, these restrains needed to go. I pulled with all of strength and felt the metal give before it snapped on one wrist. The other fell to the same fate. About this time, my vision started to adjust to the difference light and noticed the gray walls. This better not be Jasper or I'm going to kill a lot of people under a minute, no matter how injured I was.
The muscles in my back complained about being used to sit up. I furiously wiped at my crusty eyes and took note where I was: the Med. Bay. It was true. Not even a monster like me could outrun death for long. I sobbed, hard.
There was a small chance this was all fake. That idea was wagged in front of my face like a juice steak before being pulled away right before my claws could sink into it. But now, I was starting to truly believe it. Such a horrible way to go out too. Gods, and I didn't even get to say goodbye to the twins. Wait, if the last vision wasn't true. Then how are they reacting to my death? Are they angry? Sunstreaker would be the one more likely to be raging but what about Sides? Would he be more on the upset side?
Creaking of metal could be heard. My gaze snapped over to the noise and spotted Sunstreaker getting up off of the bed next to the one I was on. His eyes were glued onto me. No, it was trick. Just another way to make this all feel real then rip it away from. You can't fool me twice.
"Azar?" he sounded like he was in disbelief. His voice was heaven to my ears but my defensives came to the rescue and fought against myself not to breaks so easily. The golden mech didn't waste another second rushing over to me. "Thank Primus you're awake." With his hand, he attempted to scoop me up. I snarled and lunged off of the cot I was on to take flight.
My wings ached as if they hadn't been used in awhile. Sunstreaker pulled his limbs back with a bewildered look on his face. Everything felt so real, but this world was evolving to over smart me and made me fall for this trick. "Stay away, you fake!" Heavy emotions swirled in my voice as I snarled at the mech, unable to control any of them.
From behind him, Sideswipe stirred from what seemed like nap. His eyes found mine. Excitement filled his body language as he sprung pass his brother to get to me. I wasn't taking chance though and spat a glob of acid as a warning. It didn't make it far and fell to the floor, eating away at the concrete. This stopped him in his tracks as he glanced back as his twin with a questioning look. Sunstreaker shrugged, playing innocent.
They both turned to face me. "It's us, Azar. Sides and Sunny, your sparkmates," Sides acted like I had amnesia. I snarled once more and bared my long fangs at him in anger.
"I'm not stupid. I know who you are and who you are to me. I may be dead but I didn't lose my sharp edge to death," I hissed and looked passed them to the closed hangar door. Dang it. Next, I glance over to the window above my platform and noticed it was shut just the same. Crashing through the glass wouldn't be too much trouble besides picking out the shards.
Their brows furrowed in confusion. Sunstreaker made carefully movements to stand next to his brother. This caused me to be more on edge and back away to put extra space between us. "What? What? You're not dead. Though your heart did stop three times for longer times Ratchet was comfortable with but you didn't die." Lies, those were lies. A false sense of security to break down my guard so this realm and further break me mentally.
"Well, tell that to the last nightmare ghost that I was." It took me moment to realize that I wasn't entirely me. Crap. My last shift must have followed through. Great, fantastic. "I'll just wait for this to crumble just like the other one. Then the process will continue to repeat itself for eternity." An forever thing that will happen for eternity, and there wasn't a way to stop it. You can't stop Fate, I've tried. She doesn't like to be messed with either, learned that the hard way.
Both of them seemed horrified at what I said. Sides skated forward a few inches with his hands up like he wanted to cradle me in his grasp. "Please, Azar. Believe us. You aren't dead. We are real. We promise you, we are real." Something deep in my heart wanted to desperately believe his words but the walls surrounding the organ had rebuilt themselves; an instinctive thing to do when someone hurts me, mentally, physically, and/or emotionally.
The look on my face told them all they needed to know: I didn't believe them. Sunstreaker's grumpy personality reality returned in full force as he scowled at me. One moment he was standing ten feet away, the next he was right in front of me. His hand grabbed my midsection and pulled me down to be eye level with him. I had no time to react, my senses still a little out of whack.
His blue eyes held fierce passion in them, something that looked so real. The mech did something I thought he, or us in general, would never do. Our lips connected intensely as he poured his affection into the kiss. I gasped in reaction and froze every muscle, including my wings. We were both lucky he had a tight grip on me or else I would be crashing into the ground.
Something deep ignited at the connection. My hands found purchase anywhere on his face and head. I returned the gesture with the same fierceness. Everything at that moment broke. The raging anger fizzled out and in flooded regretful and forlorn emotions. I've never felt so heartbroken and out of sorts in my entire life.
Even with our size differences, not including me being an extra foot or so taller in this form, he made it work. The buzzing in my head forced me to reel back for needed air. My chest heaved as I stared fixated on the two bright orbs looking back at me. "You. Are. Alive." I could feel the seriousness rolling off of him in huge waves. It came to me now, I felt him distantly over the bond with the same fierce emotions.
This time, I believed it. It had to be true. I broke. Everything came crashing down on me. My claws clutching the metal underneath them tighter. The chains hanging off of my wrist tinged when they accidently hit him. The mech didn't care and tucked me tight under his chin while holding me as close as possible. "It's okay, it's okay," Sides repeated and gently ran a finger between my four wings.
Being this close them, both physically and emotionally, I thought the pain would go away. It didn't. This time, it felt worse, as if my body is beyond craving is now starving for their spark essence. Like that was its life force instead of the blood running in my veins. "I-I'm so s-sorry," I cried and held on tighter. My talons at this point were probably scratching at his paint but neither of us cared at the moment,
A few quiet moments passed before the hangar door was rolled open. It slammed to a stop that the hydraulics couldn't handle the rush. I immediately sprang into action and smacked my head into Sunstreaker's jaw from jolting up. Said twin pressed me closer to him. "It's just Ratchet. The moment you woke up, we commed him." Right, this whole mess. I can't believe I nearly forgot about the fact I'm dying.
"Oh thank Primus!" His footsteps alerted me had made his over to us; the ground shaking lightly due to his rushing form. "Give her to me. She shouldn't even be up, let alone walking." I felt a spike of anger surge through me for a spilt moment before it disappeared. Sunstreaker's engine rumbled deeply in warning. "Don't give me that slag. You know I won't hurt her in any shape or form. I'm trying to help her."
Both twins held their ground for a few long moments until attempting to hand me over. That, I didn't like one bit. My claws dug into any edge I could find, my tail wrapped around Sunstreaker's wrist. I needed them.
"Azar, let go. He needs to check you over," Sides explained and tried to pulled me off of his brother's chest, carefully. No such luck. "Please, he's not going to hurt you." It wasn't about that, it was something entirely different with reason.
I scoffed and rolled my eyes at this. Of course I knew he wasn't going to hurt me. That was the last thought on my mind to worry about. "I know that, I'm not stupid… I just don't wa-nt to leave you g-uys." My voice cracked on the last sentence at the reminder of the nightmares.
They sighed with pity and glanced at Ratchet. The CMO had a confused look on his face as he tried to put the pieces together. Sides shook his head to silently decline something from him. "Is there anyway you can do your checks while we hold her?" Sides offered and stroked the area between my four wings once more.
Ratchet's brows furrowed more with suspicion. "Yes, I can." I relaxed some and let go of Sunstreaker's wrist so he could hold me in front of me. The golden mech held me up to Ratchet like a doll on display. "Arm please, I need another blood sample." I did what I was told and turned my head away to stare at the ground.
The CMO got what he needed from my arm. Next he tilted my chin up so he could flash a bright light into my eyes. The headache didn't like the sudden light and throbbed more painfully. "Very responsive, and alert. That's good." Lastly, he performed a full body scan that tingled and took off the cuffs on my wrists. "Okay, that's all I need for the time being. Those cuffs were to prevent you from scratching at your chest." Ratchet turned to leave but I stopped him, a sudden realization coming to me.
"I have a question." The medic halted in his tracks. Now everyone's attention was on me
This is where she tells Ratchet about the issues she's been having.
"Hey Ratchet, what was the idea you had when Optimus and Prowler were in here?" Right! He had a possible solution. It was better than nothing and with everything declining the way it was going, this was probably our only shot.
"An idea that's not the table right now," he stated firmly and resumed his path.
"But Ratch!" Sides whined. Ratchet whipped around with a stress look on his face,
"No, it's fa-"
"Ratchet, things aren't going good. I literally just dreamed I died and was stuck in my own little hell. Next time I do fall asleep, it could be my last. You don't have any clue when this will kill me. I'd rather take my chances with that then dream that nightmare again. It's better to say you did something then stand around and twiddle our thumbs." And that was the truth.
He sighed exasperated before turning to face us and stare me in the eye. Pity filled his expression the longer we looked at each other. "It's dangerous."
"So am I. That hasn't stopped you from befriending me." That was the truth too.
"Fine. Okay." Ratchet motioned for us to sit down. Both of the twins took a spot on a single bed while the medic retrieved a tablet and scrolled through it. "To start things off. Azar, your body is low on their spark essence. In simple terms, it's starving. That, I could easy figure out. But I couldn't figure out why because you two are right there, holding her. Yet, her body is acting like you're miles away."
"I looked through every single piece of evidence we have on the subject and came nearly empty handed. One of the two that had problems had a simple fix but it wouldn't work with you being a different species so I had to look deeper. What I found wasn't what I was hoping for."
"Even having that essence inside of you should've killed you to be honest. But this possible fix might be the kicker." Both of the twins looked a little irritated that he wasn't getting to it. Sides motioned with his hands to speeds things along. He got a heated glare from the medic. "So know you have a very simplified and deluded bond. Even I wouldn't call it that though. It's being strained as your body craves or needs more of their spark essence."
"To fix it, you need complete the bond." I furrowed my brows and glanced between the three of them. The twins were taken off guard and stared at each other. "Yes, I know. She's a little on the small side to do that but there is another way. It's not as usually used alone and that's why I'm nervous. And expose her to it could lead to other problems."
"Why I'm too small? Remember I can also shapeshift if size is a huge issue," I butted in, sill confused on why size is an issue.
Sides' eyes widened and blue tinted his cheeks. "I-it's not th-that." He cleared his throat and glanced at his brother for help. None was given to him. "Um, though your size now could work, possibly, I think the second way would be better as well, Ratchet." Now, I felt lost like a little puppy. What is he even going on about? If my size was a huge issue, I could make it no longer a problem.
Sunstreaker snapped out of his shocked faze and jabbed his elbow into Sides's stomach. "You're just confusing her more."
"Azar, I'm going to take a wild guess you don't know what the process of bonding is because I don't think anyone on base would explain it besides us three. One way to bond is to interface while merging your sparks together. The other is just leaving the interfacing part out," Ratchet explained but still left me with the pie on my face. You aren't helping!
"I still have no clue what you're rambling on about. What's interfacing?"
"Sex." I'm sorry, what?! All of my scales immediately shifted to crimson red. Wait! My eyes flew to the twins. Oh, gods. Even in this form, they were still at least six feet taller than me. Also, another wait! They have those parts! They have the same parts as a male. Oh, good lord. What have I gotten myself into?!
Sides chuckled and patted the top of my head. "I think you broke her, Ratch."
"Uh, um, yeah, I think size would be a problem!" I stood and definitely took note I was about half their size while in this form. Talk about size difference kink. Shut up brain!
The red twin snorted and itched his finger under my chin, nearly drawing a purr from me. "I think we could make it work. We would never hurt you." He wasn't helping the full body blush going on.
"Not so fast, Sideswipe. We need focus on the bonding part and less on the interfacing part. You three can do that later." Ratchet! My mouth dropped. "As I was saying, the best way to complete the bond is connect your sparks with her. I know she doesn't have one but just go with the flow." He sounded unsure at the end, not helping my worry.
Sunstreaker being the more serious one out of three, he nodded his head and paid more attention to Ratchet's words. "Alright, I guess we should get to it." The mech got up with me still standing on his hand. Wait, already?! Couldn't we talk this over some more? Now I was starting to worry even more.
His twin followed us as well and stood next to his brother with a smug smirk. What was he thinking about? "My only advice would be to take things slow. Don't rush this," Ratchet stated as we made our way out of the hangar.
What had I gotten myself into?!