Chapter 46:
Jack had decided to get to hospital and talk to Danny. He couldn't keep this from the two of them, especially not for any more time now. If he wouldn't manage to convince Danny today, the judge would be forced to let the Chileans go and that decision would be made the next day, 9:30, in court. They were in need of evidence until then and if it wasn't there, they would walk free.
He didn't want to do this – he knew it would most definitely end in a situation he neither wanted to be forced to deal with, nor wanted Danny to cope with. But it needed to be done – there was no other chance, no other witness to keep this case from going down. He had to do this – even if it meant hurting Danny – the outcome of situation if he didn't was too grave not to do it.
He arrived at the hospital about four hours after talking to Vivian and right after telling Sam about Elizabeth's husband. He felt emotionally drained already by everything that had happened today and he had no idea where to gather the strength for that upcoming conversation from.
He didn't even know if Danny had calmed down already. After his breakdown, he had been completely unaware of his surroundings and the medics had put him on a strong sedative to calm him down. The effects wouldn't wear off that soon and Jack was pretty sure Dr. Collins and Dr. Riber had agreed to have Danny on some form of anti psychotic.
So maybe this whole way down to the hospital had been for nothing and actually that was what he wanted. Of course he simply could have called here and asked about Danny's condition, but that didn't feel right. If he had been informed his agent was unresponsive right now, it would have felt like he hadn't even tried to convince him and if he had known from the start that Danny would be able to talk to him, it would have been even harder to come down here.
He headed upstairs to the Doctor's office, hoping to find Dr. Riber who most definitely was in charge of Danny once again and able to tell him if he was okay. He found her, sitting at one of the tables, a cup of coffee next to her and reading a patient's file.
"Dr. Riber?"
"Agent Malone. I guess you're here for Mr. Taylor?"
"Yes. How is he?"
"He's still on medication, but he's awake. I would like to keep him here for at least another day or two, but he will be okay. You may see him if you want to. I guess he could need a bit of company right now."
Jack wasn't all to sure about that, but he wouldn't tell that to the doctor. He just asked her for Danny's room number and then said goodbye, heading down the floor and to the younger agent's room. He hesitated a few moments in front of it, gathering some more courage before he went in there to try to convince Danny.
Dr. Riber had been right – Danny was awake, but to Jack, it didn't seem, like he was very well aware of his surrounding. Jack wasn't sure if it was due to the medication or due to the earlier events, Danny was now forced to cope with. However Jack wasn't sure, Danny had detected his presence and he wasn't very sure how to start this very difficult conversation. But he didn't have to.
"I know why you came here, what you want me to do..."
Danny had very well been aware of Jack's arrival and he knew even better about Jack's reason for being here. It hadn't needed much of any imagination anyways. With Elizabeth's death, they had just lost almost every chance to get the Chileans sentenced, apart from this one last chance – Danny's testimony.
Jack however was lucky he hadn't been forced to find the right words for a start. He could simply just go for it, for the opening Danny had given him. The one thing he needed to manage right now was to convince Danny and that was a hard enough thing to achieve already.
„If you won't testify, they will walk free. All of Beth's work will be for nothing then."
„I can't."
It had to be expected that Danny would react exactly like this, but still it was frustrating. From Jack's point of view it was a logical and rightful decision. But he hadn't experienced what Danny had and he couldn't even start imagining what it had been like and what he felt like right now. Just that it made Danny's reaction even less understandable to Jack.
„Even after what they put you through?"
Jack knew he shouldn't have asked the younger agent this and the reaction was forceful and immediate.
„Don't you dare! Don't act like you have any idea what I have been through. You don't know, you have no idea – not even the slightest and believe me – you wouldn't want to!"
„I'm sorry."
He really was – he meant what he said. Just that his words had caused an extreme emotional reaction from Danny, a reaction leaving him unable to believe in the honesty of Jack's words.
„No, you're not – you're curious. Do you want me to tell you, do you want to know? Is that what you want?"
Jack knew he had gone too far by trying to talk some sense into him, making him see the responsibility for his very own justice. It had been their reason for not talking to each other, for feeling uncomfortable around the other and even fighting with each other. It was the fact that Jack knew very well about Danny's condition, that he knew details the younger agent should have had the right to keep for himself.
Still Danny's reaction surprised him. He had been aware of the fact that he had been lying to them, but he hadn't believed Danny actually had that much of any memory. He had believed there were bits and pieces of the assault left and taking the severe injuries he had sustained into consideration that had been most probable, but obviously he had been wrong and the disbelieve about it seemed to clearly show on his face, causing a reaction from Danny.
„Don't you get it! I do know, I do remember – everything, to the last sickening detail. I memorize every last feeling, every infliction of injury, every last word spoken to me – every goddamn moment of it. Don't you think I wish for all this memory to be wiped out? To be able to forget it? But I can't – I will have to live with it! I can't get away from it, no matter what I'm gonna do."
Of course, Jack had known that Danny had been lying about his lack of memory, but he hadn't expected it to be that clear and detailed – he hadn't expected the younger agent's situation to be that desperate. It was far worse than Jack had ever imagined it and he felt for Danny. He couldn't even picture what he must feel like and he really wasn't eager to find out. He had no idea how he had managed so far, without going crazy about it.
Jack didn't know how to react to this confession, how to cope with the actual truth. There was nothing to say about it – whatever he would say, it wouldn't help Danny and although he had openly asked him if he wanted to know, Jack knew he hadn't been serious. Danny didn't want to tell him – he had simply reacted out of anger.
But there was no need for him to say anything. Danny was in no need of neither his advice, nor his sympathy. Jack simply just looked at him and the expression on Danny's face – that complete emptiness, told Jack – that whatever the younger agent was about to spill out on details about these three days of his kidnapping, Jack really didn't want to hear it.
„He told me something... You wanna know what?"
Jack didn't answer the question and actually he didn't believe Danny actually expected a response from him. He was too less aware of the situation around him, as entangled as he was in his anger and desperation as that he really wanted an answer.
„He told me... that surviving –living past it – would be far worse than dying... You know what? He was right."
Jack was left completely speechless by Danny's confession – he wasn't even sure he had actually heard what had just been said – it couldn't be, it just couldn't. The consequences emerging from the few words were far to grave to even think about it. He just couldn't believe, couldn't even imagine the younger man had actually thought about killing himself.
It was simply unbelievable – he had never experienced any form of weakness, not like that, from Danny and he couldn't even begin to understand the horrors of his experience that had caused such a desperate reaction.
He stayed silent, completely unable to find any words that would be in any way soothing or helpful. There was no response that would fit into the situation right now, nothing he could say, nothing that would make it any better. Danny however wasn't looking at him, probably deeply lost in these miserable, desperate, depressing thoughts Jack had pulled to the surface.
Danny's facial expression was rid of any form of emotion, though he had visibly paled and he didn't look at the senior agent, his eyes fixed on some spot far across the room. Jack was actually close to leaving the room to get a doctor, fearing he had triggered another breakdown by what he had pushed Danny to admit to him, but the younger agent spoke up again, his voice barely audible.
"I wanted to, you know... When they came back that last time, I was actually relieved it would finally be over. I wanted to die."
He had been right – Danny had actually wanted to die that day, he had wanted to never wake up from that ordeal he had been put through. It was more than unbelievable, it was heartbreaking and Jack just couldn't respond to it. But he didn't need to – Danny seemed, for some reason Jack couldn't detect, to feel the urgent need to explain
"Don't you see – it's my fault..."
Jack frowned by the words announced. He honestly had no idea what Danny was talking about. He couldn't really be believing that he was responsible for what had happened to him, he couldn't be blaming himself? Or did he? Did he really believe this was his very own fault and that it could have been prevented...?
"That's not true. None of this is your fault. You didn't do anything wrong."
"She told me to be careful, she told me more than once and she was deeply serious about it... I,..., I didn't listen to her,... I ignored her warning..."
"You were kidnapped on your way home probably two to one at least. You have been alone and caught in surprise. It isn't your fault."
"I tried to... I tried to get away, I tried to escape, but...I... I wasn't... strong enough. I couldn't keep them away."
"Danny – it isn't your fault, you are not responsible for what happened to you. They are, they alone. You had no chance to escape them, you didn't do anything wrong, you didn't fail in your protection."
"Don't you see? I had a chance to escape, I had a chance to keep all this from me, I simply had to make a decision, but I couldn't do that... I couldn't keep them away from me, I couldn't keep them from... from... hurting me. I wasn't strong enough, I simply wasn't able... I wasn't able to fight..."
"You have been fighting like hell! You survived, you woke up from coma again, you healed."
"I should have fought harder, been stronger. I... I don't know... I should have kept them from hurting me, from... doing what they... did to me."
Jack knew perfectly well, what Danny was referring to.
"I cried... I must've spent hours and hours with it. I,... I simply just lay there, doing nothing after all, nothing to even attempt to free myself and I... I just... I just cried."
"But that's perfectly okay... You do know that, don't you?"
Although Danny looked at him, Jack knew he wasn't really listening to him. He had reached a point of memory where he was reliving what had been happening to him and that was a situation leaving him unable to listen to anything said around here right now. He simply went on spilling out details, without even being completely aware of his surrounding.
"I...was... was... afraid. I have never in my life felt that frightened before. Never. Don't you understand that? I wasn't supposed to be afraid of them... I was the one with the evidence, the one who was able to bring them down and,... and I was afraid... of them."
"You had every right to, Danny. You haven't done anything wrong..."
Jack knew Danny still wasn't really listening to him, but that wouldn't make him stop reassuring the younger agent. It was the only help and support he could offer, while Danny was finally talking about his experience and what it meant for him.
"I can't deal with it, I just can't. I have no idea how to do it. They won't go away, they won't ever go away... They will haunt me for the rest of my life. It's... it's pathetic, I know that, but...
"It's not, it's okay. It's okay..."
"He,... he told me I would never,... never forget. That I would...always... always remember. That I would...would always be confronted with... how... how they broke my will... how they... they managed to steal... steal a part of my soul... I will never get it back..."
"But you pulled through – you escaped them. No matter what he told you, he didn't win over you. You are here... You need to give it time. It will get better..."
"Don't you understand? I won't, I won't ever forget. I'm forced to see what they did to me, forced to cope with the aftereffects every damn morning when I get out of bed and look into a mirror..."
Danny was unable to go on – at least not in this way. He couldn't talk about the inflicted injury and the consequences they still had for him. On every damn day...
"I can't fight this, Jack. I don't know how. I don't have the strength. God, I never had any – I was never able to fight them... It's my fault, this is all my fault. I could have kept them away, they had me lose from that bed and I could have escaped, but I... I didn't... I couldn't escape..."
"You can, I know you can do this and I'm also very well aware of the fact that it's hard. I can't even imagine how hard it must be. But you took a first step into a very good direction. You told someone about it, you told me. You had the courage to talk about it, to deal with it."
"I can't do this again. It's... painful..."
"I know, I perfectly know and I know it's not fair. You already have been forced to go through enough of this. But you have a chance to get rid of it."
"You mean by testifying."
"I know it sounds selfish, well it doesn't just sound like that – it is. If you don't get into that courtroom tomorrow to testify against them, this case will be over and they will walk free. I know you don't want to hear it and even more know that you don't want to go in there, but if you won't, they will win. They will win this battle you are fighting in so desperately right now. I know you don't believe me, but they are afraid, afraid of what you know. You have to stand up against them."
"I... I can't... I don't think I... I can't face them – I just can't."
"You won't be alone. Danny, they cannot hurt you and if you gather enough strength and courage to enter this room tomorrow they will never be able to not only get to you any more, but they won't ever hurt anyone else again. You will get rid of them, but you have to do something for it – you have to testify..."
He was whispering and he was not able to look at Jack or he simply didn't want to. The trembling in his voice told Jack how painful and difficult it was for Danny to even form these few words – the decision he was about to make.
"I'll try."