You Can't Start a Fire Without a Spark
Part Three
…two hours later
Dina knew how empty Karen felt after they had their "tranny talk" while eating eggs in her bed. She
knew her new insecure friend didn't like being escorted out before the egg crust hardened on
Audrey's mauve colored Pfaltzgraff plates. Dina knew the worry that was stuck inside Karen's
throat that contained the thought, "Are you really going to meet me at the library so we go to the
vigil together?" And Dina Nichols hated asking her to leave. It wasn't part of her genetic make up.
But she had to get this talk with the family over with. She didn't have time to let it all fester like the
original transgender secret. Dina freshened up by taking a shower and using one of Audrey's VO-5
hot oil treatments to massage her scalp. She was just going to keep her wardrobe simple. This night
was about Sophia not about looking fabulous. Although, Dina Nichols couldn't really help that fact,
could she? It felt wonderful to finally have a real self-esteem. She chose a crisp white button down
oxford shirt. Although, the men's version was the exact same cut (only the length was longer) it was
imperative to buy the women's one. She would pair this with her comfortable faded blue jeans and
purple Sketchers. By the time she put on her basic Timex she heard someone enter the house. It
was a man's Timex. It was a gift from Walter for her thirteenth birthday when she was still
"uncomplicated on the outside Josh". The black leather band was comforting and reminded her of
her father that she had to wear it.
She quickly grabbed a white "Hillary" style headband off the dresser and went to face whomever it
was.
"Hi, Mom." Audrey was scanning the contents of the refrigerator for something to drink.
She was home quite early. But Dina didn't have the time to question the why's.
"Hi, Dina. Thank you for doing the dishes today."
"It's no problem."
She still loved doing menial tasks. There was a satisfaction that came a long with doing a job and
doing it well that always made her feel good.
"You look very nice…."
"Thank you….excuse me," No way was he going to run upstairs, "Come in the kitchen, Drake, I
want to talk to you and Mom."
Drake wouldn't be stupid with Audrey present. Not anymore.
Even though he was over 18 and couldn't be sent out of state. He would still be respectful and not
put their mother through that again.
"Did you tell Mom about our argument? Figures." He sank into the kitchen chair.
"No, I didn't. But you just did, smart mouth."
"What did you two fight about?" Audrey settled on a bottled water.
"Not important. Where is Megan?"
"She's at her friend's house."
"Maybe it's best that she's not here. Since she's at that age where she thinks she knows everything.
Then again, that seems to be going around lately."
"HEY!" Drake knew that was a dig on him.
"Can't you see this is important to Dina?" Audrey pointed out.
"Of course. It always is."
"There it is. I don't know what's gotten into you Drake, and I thought we were making progress—
but your attitude of late really leaves a lot to be desired."
"Why don't you tell Mom about the strange woman you had in your bed!"
"Drake Parker! That really is none of your business. And for your information we didn't do
anything. Karen and I are just friends."
Even though it was obvious that Karen wanted Dina in "that way". Dina was grateful that Karen
was still attached to her penis! It was one less thing to worry about.
"Go ahead, Dina, say what you have to say. Not another word Drake." Audrey said in her "are we
clear?" tone.
"Thank you," Dina walked to fridge to get her own bottled water.
She could feel her throat get dry with each passing second, "I've come to notice that people like
stick on mental labels to define people. But I still wanted to let the both of you know incase you had
any questions. You REALLY do see me as a whole normal, healthy woman, Mom?"
"Of course, Dina."
"Thank you—"
"What about me?"
"I didn't think you wanted to answer that question, Drake."
"So why am I here then?"
"Okay….answer it."
"Yes, I do."
Dina doubted Drake's sincerity at the moment.
"Mindy was my first love, even though I wasn't a normal healthy woman when I met her. I thought
we could stay together because that is what couples who are in love do. What difference did it make
if I lost a penis and gained a vagina? We're not random body parts. We're human beings. But-- Her
personality is too cold and rigid and I didn't like how she tried to stop my relationship with my
family…"
"And yet you STILL took her back!"
"SHUT UP, Drake! This is difficult for me to say and I refuse to cry any more tears over you today!
I'm a heterosexual woman, which means I am attracted to men. I always was. I just couldn't go
down that road as Josh because I would have been labeled gay. Not that, that's wrong in and of
itself, But it's the wrong label to stick on me as I am not a gay person.
That is why many transgenders fall in love with each other—sometimes we are the ONLY support
systems for each other. True love doesn't know any labels—gay, straight, black, white, legal age, et
cetra. None of it really matters. Just because I'm transgender doesn't mean any more than anyone
else in this society. We all are looking to give and receive love.
I don't know what else to say."
She sat down at her place at the table feeling emotionally exhausted.
"I know what I want to say. I'm quite sick of your fucking drama."
Drake stormed upstairs.
"Dr—"
"Let him be, Mom," Dina held Audrey's hand, "Are you okay with what I told you?"
"Of course," Audrey kissed her daughter's hand, "I love you, Dina, and I want you to be happy."
"Thank you."
"Is there someone in particular that you fancy?"
"No. Not at the moment, Mom. I hate to spring this revelation on you and leave, but I have to meet
my friend Karen at the library. And don't worry about Drake, I'll sort him out later."
With my curling iron.
When Dina rolled down the window and beeped the horn, she saw the visible tenseness in Karen's
shoulders loosen and her head lift up to show a smile. This was about to be as pretty as doing a
pedicure in the dark. Was she standing outside this whole time? She proudly held on to her metal tin
suitcase that Dina let her borrow.
The poor girl.
Dina didn't want to be the one responsible for breaking her heart.
"Hey, Dina, you look gorgeous. I figured it out while reading some periodicals. You are a mix
between Eileen Davidson and Alexis Arquette."
The latter being transgendered herself.
"Thank you. I'm sorry I rushed you out of the house earlier. I needed to have a talk with my Mom
and brother."
"About the fight the two of you had?" Karen heard of some of it and felt like an uncomfortable third
wheel.
"Sort of. I thought we could go the food court in the Galleria and get a smoothie before we head out
to the vigil. I checked my email and Susan from Akron, Ohio is handing out the bracelets." They
were a combination of light blue and light pink—the baby sex colors—meshed in harmony. The
bracelets said: No Gender on one side and Remembering Sophia on the other.
"That sounds good. I think I'm going to get my hair styled tomorrow. You just bring out the
positively Dina!"
She couldn't say anything. Not now. She didn't want to be the one that caused Karen Gold to stop
smiling.
"I'm glad I could help. You'd look awesome with a flippy 'bob'. Like
Ricki Lake in Hairspray."
Dina was hoping that through the somber tone this evening would bring that she could introduce
Karen to some other people to get her to stop relying on her so much. It was only one day of
knowing this extremely fragile and needy person. Dina couldn't do it all. She regretted opening up
her bed to her, even if it was only in friendship. Dina couldn't help being needy herself, but was
learning through therapy and her own determination to get better to realize she held her own key to
the door containing her destiny.
But she would help Karen the best way that she knew how. By not abandoning her, like everyone
else seemed to. You don't abandon your friends and that was the one thing that Dina Nichols
wanted from Karen Gold the "for keeps" friendship. But it couldn't work, unless the both of them
gave their all.
"Yeah. What were you thinking about Dina? You seemed to be a million miles away."
Karen's hand went on Dina's knee who should've said something, but didn't.
"Honestly? I hope that we're friends forever."
"Me too!" Karen kissed her on the cheek, "I hope it's not too soon to exclaim my love for you,
Dina Nichols! You rock!"
Please tell me she didn't mean that kind of love.
"Thank you," She made a point to whisper back, "You rock too."
2 AM
Drake just fell asleep while laying on the sofa as some generic horror movie was on the television.
Before the screaming lady could run upstairs in high heels Dina carefully grabbed the remote control
that was resting on Drake's stomach along with nacho cheese chip crumbs and put it on mute. The
urge was still there to brush the crumbs off him, take off his boots, and cover him with a blanket. But
she didn't.
"I love you, jerk face." Dina whispered as she headed upstairs.
At least now she could take a long hot bath before bed and not have to worry about being
bothered. Or in the case potentially bothering someone, depending on your point of view.
Dina's mind was too tired to process the evening's events. Thankfully, Karen wasn't so clingy
tonight except when she wanted to hold hands with her when Sophia's mother gave an inspirational
talk before the vigil for her murdered daughter.
Dina dropped her off at her place and headed home.
She stood in front of the medicine cabinet mirror and slowly took off her headband and placed it on
the counter. Grabbing her brush she faintly smiled looking into the mirror, "I know I did the right
thing."
Dina wrote in her bound journal that sometimes it was more satisfying to her to brush her long
blonde hair than anything else. Granted, most of it was based on extensions and the color came from
a bottle. But heck, few things on this body were real or were altered to be something else.
Yet, you were satisfied. Satisfied in knowing that the true pinnacle of self was reached.
It was an understatement to call it a shame that people got killed for only trying to be who they
were. She was disappointed in her brother, but was not sorry for anything in these past few years.
The only thing Dina wished was that she came out sooner. Of course, Walter probably would have
sent her to some brainwashing church or quacky psychiatrist.
Sorry? Not even close.
Dina grabbed one of Megan's elastic hair bands out of the plastic cotton swab jar that was next to
the big family sized tube of blue gel toothpaste and put her hair in a smart ponytail. She sat on the
edge of the bathtub to turn the water on and to add some droplets of honeysuckle bubble bath.
If she had to lose her Father, so be it.
If she was only going to wind up losing her brother in the end, so be that as well.
Dina Nichols was not going to apologize for becoming self-actualized.
You can't start a fire without a spark and Dina realized while grabbing the razor off it's green plastic
caddy next to the soap dish that before you found your quote unquote "soulmate"—the real spark--
-the one that ignited that romantic fire in your heart—could only come from one place: Inside
yourself.
"Someday my prince will come," she sang in a whisper as she heard the heavy footsteps of her
brother come up the staircase as he mumbled something to the door about "having to pee", and
closing the room door with a loud thump.
"…You have to wait your turn, Drake," Dina called out not sure if he had his Walkman on or not,
"I'm taking a bath."