A/N: Thanks for your reviews! In this chapter, we're going back a few months from the prologue, picking up a week after those chapters in And Many More.
Chapter 1
February 1984
"What pajamas do you want to take to Grammy's tonight?" Johanna asked her four-year-old daughter as they made their way into her bedroom.
"My Little Pony pajamas," Katie replied. "The purple ones."
"I think your purple ones are in the laundry basket downstairs, babe; will the pink ones do?"
Katie nodded. "Okay, Mommy."
Johanna smiled a little as she moved to her daughter's closet and took out her small overnight bag. She opened it and sat it on the bed as her daughter settled down with her Barbie dolls on the floor. She went to the dresser and pulled open a drawer, rooting through the contents until she found Katie's pink My Little Pony pajamas. She opened the next drawer and took out a small pair of pink panties to pack as well.
"Not those ones!" Katie exclaimed.
Johanna looked up in puzzlement. "What?"
"Not those underwear!" her daughter stated.
"Why not?"
"Cause I want the My Little Pony ones like my pajamas!"
She closed her eyes for a moment and gave a nod as she allowed the plain pink panties to fall back into the drawer. "Sorry, sweetheart; what was I thinking giving you plain pink underwear when you have My Little Pony ones? Please forgive me."
Katie giggled at her. "Silly, Mommy."
She laughed softly as she picked up the pair of panties her daughter had demanded. "I think you're silly."
"Nope, you are," her daughter replied.
Johanna packed the clothes in her bag and then went back to the dresser. "I don't want to offend you by picking the wrong thing so what would you like to wear tomorrow?"
Her daughter pondered it for a moment. "My Smurfette shirt."
"Good choice, that one has long sleeves and it's going to be cold tomorrow," Johanna replied as she opened another drawer and found the shirt her child had selected. "Will jeans be alright with that or would you like leggings?"
"Leggings."
Johanna fished a pair of dark blue leggings from the drawer and then grabbed a pair of socks.
"No socks!"
"Yes, socks," she said firmly. "It's winter, you have to wear socks to keep your feet warm."
"Not in the house," her daughter replied, holding up a bare foot her to see.
"Katherine Houghton, where are your socks this time? Because I specifically remember putting them on you a little while ago and telling you to leave them on because you'd be going to Grammy's soon."
"My feet got hot," Katie replied.
"Where are your socks?" Johanna asked once again.
"In the bathroom."
"Well go get them and get them back on your feet. We're going to be leaving in a little while."
Her daughter huffed a little but got up from the floor to go do as she was told. Johanna shook her head as she put Katie's clothes in the suitcase. Keeping socks on that child in the winter was a full time job. She mentally reviewed a checklist in her head of things she didn't need to pack for her daughter's overnight stay with her grandparents. Elizabeth kept a toothbrush and kid friendly toothpaste for Katie at her house; she also had her soap and shampoo so there was no need to worry about packing those things. Johanna grabbed a storybook from the bookcase and tossed it in Katie's bag just in case she didn't find what she wanted in the selection at her grandmother's.
"Mommy, I don't like these socks, they won't go on," Katie said as she came back into the room, carrying her mint green socks in her hand.
"That's funny, they went on earlier," she replied as caught hold of her daughter and directed her to sit on the foot of her bed.
"Maybe they don't fit no more," Katie said as Johanna took the socks from her hand.
"I think they fit just fine," she told her as she quickly and easily put them back on her feet. "Now you leave them on."
"Okay," she sighed.
Johanna smiled and kissed her forehead. "You can take them off later, I promise."
"Mommy, where are you and Daddy going?"
"We're going to go to a grown-up place and have dinner," she replied. "It's our Valentine's date."
"Is it Valentine's Day now?"
"No, not for a few more days but since Daddy has to go out of town for work, we're going to have our date tonight. That's why you're going to stay with Grammy and Grandpa. Daddy and I won't be getting home until late and you'll already be sleeping. I'll come get you in the morning, okay?"
"Can I eat breakfast with Grammy?"
Johanna smiled. "Of course you can. I bet she'll make you something special."
"She said we'd have pancakes. Are you going to have special breakfast?"
She could only hope, Johanna thought to herself. "I don't know; I guess it'll depend on what Daddy wants for breakfast."
"When are we going to Grammy's?"
"Not yet, sweetheart. We have to wait for Daddy to get home."
She had no sooner finished the sentence when she heard Jim's footsteps on the stairs. "There's Daddy now," she told her. "You play for a few minutes and I'll be back to finish packing your bag."
"Okay, Mommy."
Johanna moved across the hallway and followed Jim into their bedroom. "Jim, I'm going to take Katie over to your mother's in a few minutes and then I'll come back and get ready. I promise it won't take long; I already have everything laid out that I need. You can start while I'm gone."
"I can't go," he said as he shed his shirt and went to the closet to pull out another one.
She stared at him for a long moment, surely she had heard that wrong. He really wasn't going to stand her up for the second weekend in a row…was he? "What?" she asked.
"I can't go."
Her hand curled at her side, anger flickering in her veins that she did her best to control for the moment. "What do you mean you can't go?"
"I mean I can't go out tonight. A meeting about this trip came up and I have to go."
Her jaw tightened. "Tell me you're joking. Tell me you're not doing this to me again, Jim."
"Johanna," he sighed as he buttoned his shirt.
"No, don't you Johanna me," she said, her voice trembling. "You call and tell them you're not coming. They had all week for a damn meeting. This is Saturday; this is your day off and we had plans. Tell them you're not coming."
"I can't do that!"
"Why not, you stand me up easy enough!" she exclaimed.
"You don't sign my paycheck," he remarked.
Hurt coursed through her. "Jim, please," she said, her voice strained. "We had plans…for once can't our plans come first?"
He gave her an aggravated look. "I can't just blow it off. I have to go. I'm sorry."
"No, you're not," she seethed. "I can't believe this!"
"Believe it. I only came home to change and get my briefcase."
"You said we were going to go out this weekend. You said we were going out as an early Valentine's date because you won't be here for the holiday," she said angrily. "You said we'd go to dinner…see a movie or hear a band. You said we'd have the night alone. You promised me, Jim…you're breaking your promise again."
"I know," he said with an irritated huff. "But I have to go to this meeting. I can't help it that last minute things came up. You know I'm leaving tomorrow morning for Vermont, it's not like I can put off going to this damn thing just because you want to go out to dinner."
She scoffed. "Last week you made it sound like something you wanted too but I should've known better. You only said it to appease me…and because you felt guilty."
"Johanna," he sighed. "We'll go out when I come back."
"Oh I'm sure you'll go out…you just won't take me with you as usual," she said with a bitter laugh.
"Will you get off that!" he yelled. "I'm sick of hearing you harp about the same damn thing every goddamn day. You're not a little kid, you should know by now that sometimes plans don't work out. I swear, you're worse than Katie. You act like I can't do something unless I have you glued to my hip."
"I never said that!" she yelled back. "I never minded you going out with your friends until it and work became your whole damn life! Where do I fit in, Jim? Because it seems like I'm always the one getting the shaft. Last week you make plans with me for my birthday and forget me five minutes later. You make plans with me again, for tonight…so I, being as stupid as I am when it comes to you, I pick out a dress," she said, waving a hand at the wine colored cocktail dress hanging on the closet door. I arrange for Katie to spend the night with your mother…and she's excited to spend the night with her, especially since Elizabeth has told her that they'll take her out for ice cream…"
"She can still go over there and spend the night," Jim interrupted. "It's not a big deal."
"Oh so, I can take her to the babysitter and you're going to go off to your so-called meeting and I can just sit home by myself?" she exclaimed.
"Consider it a break," he replied. "I'm sure you've got plenty you can do. Don't you have papers to grade or a case to work on? I mean you have two jobs, surely you have some work to do for one of them."
Johanna scoffed. "Unlike you, sometimes I like to take a night off from work."
"Maybe that's why you can't get anything done," her husband shot back.
"Excuse me?" she retorted. "Who says I don't get anything done?"
"You do," he shot back. "You're always yelling that you have so much to do; well maybe if you'd quit dwelling on stupid things and get it done, you wouldn't have so much to do! You're the one who took on an extra job and all you do is complain."
"I haven't complained about that job!" Johanna stated. "I get my work done for it and I'm keeping up with my case load. You're the one who seems to have to work constantly because you're in over your head."
"No, I'm not!" he yelled as he slammed the dresser drawer shut. "I just know what I have to do and I do it…and I can't help it if my job, which helps support you, gets in the way of your fantasy of living in a romance novel. We're married; we don't need to date anymore. I have things to do and so do you. I can't just drop things because of a stupid holiday like Valentine's Day. All it is an overhyped holiday that someone made up to make money."
Tears stung her eyes at his harsh remarks. "I don't have any such fantasy…and don't worry, you don't ever have to take me anywhere again since it's such a damn chore to spend an hour with your wife. So don't worry, I don't want you to date me…and don't come home in the middle of the night with some sad bouquet of flowers and a bunch of lies on your lips telling me you're sorry and that you'll make it up to me when you come back from your trip…because we both know it would just be more of your lying bullshit and I've had more than enough of that!"
"Yeah, and I've had enough of yours!" he yelled back. "You never used to be such a goddamn nag. Nothing is ever good enough for you; you always have to have more! Well like I told you before, I can't just always drop everything to come hold your hand. I told you how things were going to be when I took this promotion, you said you could handle it…"
"I said I could handle you traveling…I didn't say I could handle you turning into someone I don't even know anymore!"
"Jesus Christ, don't even start that bullshit," Jim shot back. "I'm so sick and tired of hearing it. So what, I go out after work sometimes…"
"Sometimes!" she said with an incredulous laugh. "All you do is work, go out, and drink!"
"Maybe if you went out and did something once in awhile you wouldn't be like this! Who hell wants to come home when they know all they're going to hear is, where were you? What were you doing? You missed dinner, you couldn't call? You were drinking again? You didn't take me? Do you know how fucking annoying that is!? Maybe if you got a life you'd feel better; because let's face it, Johanna, you don't have one."
"You're right, I don't," she yelled back. "You know why? Because not only do I have two jobs as you like to remind me, I'm also the one raising our child…because let's face it, you don't contribute much in that area anymore except for buying her a toy when you feel guilty. I'm also the one doing all the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry. I'm the one writing out the bills, running the errands, doing the shopping, the pickups and drop offs at the sitter. I'm the one making sure the snow gets shoveled and come summer that the lawn gets mowed. I'm the one making sure Katie has holidays and special things to do. I'm the one that packs your damn suitcases for your trips and unpacks it when you come home. I do it all around here…because you dropped out to have your so-called life. Well that's fine, Jim. You go to your meeting and then go out with your buddies afterward, because we both know you are. Maybe one of them can keep you warm at night since you clearly don't need me in your fabulous new life!"
"I never said that!"
"You don't have to; you show me every fucking time I turn around!" she yelled. "Tonight is just one more example of it! All I wanted was one night to spend with my husband…like I used to do…but no, that's too much to ask…and clearly, in your mind, I shouldn't ever want it or ask for it just for the sole fact that you put a ring on my finger. Apparently that ended any need for togetherness! I'm sorry I didn't read the fine print on the marriage license!"
"Now you're just being dramatic," he retorted. "All I've ever done is tell you how it is. I don't have time right now to take you out every damn weekend."
Johanna laughed bitterly. "Every weekend? I can't even remember the last time we went out! You were gone nearly all of December. You came home hungover for New Year's Eve and didn't want to go out to eat or anything else so you were in bed at nine and I stayed up by myself. You make plans with me for my birthday…and you stood me up. You make plans for an early Valentine's Day and now you're blowing that off. What's next? You're going to move out and leave me a note saying you're living in your car in the parking lot of the law firm so you can be closer to the office?"
"Don't be ridiculous!"
"Is it ridiculous?" she asked. "Because you sure as hell don't want to be here! You've made that more than clear…and if it's such a hardship for you to be here, then just go! Be a man and go if it's what you want. Don't let me stop you."
"I am going to my meeting and I know you can't stop me from going."
She scoffed. "I wasn't talking about your stupid meeting. I was talking about everything as a whole. If you don't want to be here, you know where the door is."
"Are you going to start that again?" Jim asked sharply. "What's next, you're going to bring up your little 'I'm going to start paperwork' speech you gave me last week? Because you're not and we both know it."
"Keep pushing your luck and you'll find out how wrong you are," she said, her tone low and angry. "You think you can just keep shoving me aside and that I'll just keep standing here and taking it…well everyone has a breaking point, Jim; and you're getting really close to mine."
He laughed. "Yeah, I can see it now, you in court and the judge saying, 'why do you want this divorce? You'll be on the stand saying, 'because my husband didn't take me to dinner for Valentine's Day. I know his work is important and supports me and our kid but he wouldn't blow it off and do what I wanted so I'm done playing marriage now. I'm taking my toys and going home."
Anger glittered in her tear filled eyes. "We'll see how much you laugh when the day comes…because it's coming faster than you think."
Jim shook his head, aggravation gnawing at him as he shoved his wallet into his pocket. "Take Katie to my mother's like planned. If the meeting doesn't take too long, I'll come home and get you and we'll go to a late showing of a movie since it's so important to you."
"Don't bother," she retorted. "I wouldn't want to put you out. You just go to your meeting…and then go out with your friends, get drunk and have a real good time and don't worry about me as usual…and I won't be setting up to see what time you stumble in. Maybe I won't be here at all."
"Where would you be?" Jim asked with a laugh. "Are you going to run away from home like you did when you were a kid?"
"Maybe I will…then you can have peace from me…since that's apparently what you've been searching for at the bottom of your bottle!"
"Don't start about the drinking!" he bellowed so loudly that she flinched.
"Why?" she asked, her voice trembling. "Because you don't like hearing the truth about it?"
"It's not the truth!" he yelled.
"Yes, it is and we both know it! Maybe if you'd quit drinking or at the very least put it down once in awhile, your head would clear up and you could take a look at what you're doing!"
"I know what I'm doing! I don't need your damn lectures and I'm sick of hearing them! If I want to be mothered, I'll call my mother and let her lecture me! You're supposed to be my wife. You're supposed to support me and know that I have to work and that having a higher position means that you and our child can have better things. But you don't want to get that through your thick skull because all you care about is if you get to put on a dress and be taken out somewhere. What the hell does it matter, Johanna? We eat meals together all the time. You never used to be like this but now you are because you're still jealous about being let go from Roche while I got promoted. Well it's time you get over it because I'm getting tired of your nagging and your whining and everything else. Maybe if you'd figure out what the hell you want and find a job at a firm that can keep you busy you wouldn't have so much time to sit around thinking up things to bitch about!"
"I'm not jealous of your promotion!" she yelled. "I wouldn't take it on a silver platter especially after seeing what it's done to you! As for eating a meal together, we used to do that all the time; we don't anymore. But don't worry, I'm never going to ask you to do anything with me again…you could get down on your hands and knees and beg me to go out with you and I won't!"
"Yeah right," he scoffed. "I just bet you'd say no. You always need attention, Johanna; you'd go."
"That's what you think," she seethed.
"Mommy," a small voice said from the open doorway of the bedroom.
Johanna sucked in a shaky breath as her gaze jerked toward her daughter who was clutching her bunny against her chest. "What is it, baby?" she asked; doing her best to sound natural.
"Is it time to go to Grammy's?" Katie asked. "I want to have ice cream with Grammy and Grandpa."
Johanna glanced at the clock on the nightstand and nodded. "Let's go get you ready," she said as she moved toward the door. "I know you're anxious to get over there."
"Grammy said if I'm a good girl while we have ice cream, she'll play Candy Land with me," Katie stated.
"Grammy must be feeling good today if she's volunteering for Candy Land," Johanna remarked as she brushed a hand over her daughter's hair. "Sounds like you have a fun evening planned."
"Uh huh, can I go now? Are you and Daddy done yelling?"
Shame washed over her as met her daughter's eye. "Yeah, we're done…I'm sorry that you heard it, Katie. I'm sure Daddy's sorry too."
"You wouldn't have to worry about her hearing us argue if you wouldn't pick a fight about every little thing," Jim remarked.
She bit back an angry retort as Katie pressed against her leg. "Come on, sweetheart; let's go get your things together so you can go have fun with Grammy."
"Is Daddy going to work again?" Katie asked as she watched him put on his suit jacket.
Johanna nodded. "Yeah…he's going to work…and then tomorrow we'll take him to the train station so he can go on his trip."
"I don't need you to take me, Zach's picking me up," Jim stated.
"But, Daddy, you said I could see the trains!" Katie exclaimed.
"You can see them next time," he replied.
"But you said I could see it!"
"Katie, stop," Jim snapped. "You don't get your way all the time. I said you can see the trains another time."
Johanna watched the frown creep across her daughter's face and she lifted her into her arms. "Come on, let's go get you ready for your ice cream date and sleepover with Grammy. Don't forget you said she's going to make you special pancakes for breakfast."
Katie nodded as she turned her gaze away from her father. "Grammy said she can make a pancake in a shape of a flower."
"That sounds pretty. I bet you'll like that," she said as she carried her to her room. "Grammy's pulling out all the stops for your visit; you know what that means?"
"What?"
"It means she's missed having her favorite overnight guest," she said lightly. "You're going to have so much fun."
"Are you going to have fun, Mommy?" Katie asked as Johanna sat her down.
Emotion tugged at her but she quickly blinked it away. "No, baby, it looks like Mommy's evening isn't going to be fun at all, but it's okay…because as long as you're having fun, that makes me happy."
"You could spend the night with me at Grammy's," Katie offered. "You can sleep in my room."
"That's very thoughtful of you," Johanna replied as she checked the small overnight bag she had started packing earlier. "But I think Grammy and Grandpa want you all to themselves for the evening so I'm going to have to pass on the offer."
"But you'll be by yourself if Daddy goes away to work again."
She offered her a small smile, her heart stinging with the thought of the lonely night ahead. "Don't worry about me, baby; I'll be fine."
"What will you do, Mommy?"
She hadn't the faintest idea; the house was clean, the laundry baskets weren't all that full at the moment and there was no point in cooking for just one person. She needed a break from work…in fact, she had promised herself a break and had left her briefcase at the office. She could always go get it though…but she didn't want to.
"Mommy?"
"Don't worry," Johanna said once more. "I have lots of things to do. You just have fun. I'll be fine. Let's put Bunny in your bag so you don't forget him in the car."
Katie put her bunny in the bag and grabbed a few of her Barbie dolls as well, her mind seemingly occupied for the moment as Johanna breathed deeply; acutely aware of her husband's footsteps in the hall as he headed for the stairs without a single goodbye to either one of them. She should've know that he'd do this to her again but she never seemed to learn.
This was depressing, Johanna thought to herself that evening, the cold February air stinging her cheeks as she did a little window shopping that evening. She paused in front of a store and smirked a little at the Valentine themed display of dresses and negligees that greeted her eyes. Jim was right, it was a stupid holiday…one designed to make people spend money and give unrealistic expectations. She closed her eyes for a moment and then looked back at the display, thinking about the wine colored dress that was still hanging on the closet door at home. Another dress that would be shoved to the back of the closet with the sentiment of broken promises attached to it. "Stupid holiday," she silently told herself. Valentine's Day was a holiday for lovers and couples who still liked to be with each other. Another smirk graced her lips; she had been stupid enough to lay out her pink silk nightgown with the thought that if things went well, she'd go home and slip into it and her husband would want to coax her out of it like he used to do. Johanna nearly laughed out loud; yeah, it definitely wasn't her holiday…she didn't seem to be anyone's lover anymore and her husband apparently didn't like coming home to her…after all, he had made that comment that she was a nag and who wanted to come home to that. With his critique of her still ringing in her ears, she figured it wasn't any wonder she was on her Valentine's date alone.
Johanna shivered a little and pushed her feet to move forward, leaving the display behind her. She should've stayed home but she didn't want to sit there alone and dwell all evening…so she had taken herself out to dinner and to a movie and was now wandering, searching for her next stop but her heart wasn't in it. If there was one thing her solo adventure had shown her it was that she was out of practice at being single. She frowned; she wasn't single of course…it just felt like it. She wasn't used to eating alone and she hadn't enjoyed it. Her table for one had been lonely and far too quiet. She had missed Jim terribly every time she looked up from her plate and saw no one across the table from her. She should be used to it; after all, he missed dinner at home more often than not. At home she had Katie though…but a four year old couldn't give her the conversations she craved. She couldn't talk to her child about work and things she had overheard. There were so many things she missed talking to him about…but even when he was home, he didn't seem overly interested in what went on in her dull life. Her heart stung…or rather, he wasn't interested in her lack of life since he had so kindly informed her that she had no life.
She paused at another window, looking in at the display of winter clothes as she continued to think about her husband. It seemed like his only concern was if her caseload had picked up…and while it had, it still didn't seem to be enough in his eyes. She knew he hated her having the job at Columbia…and she knew that he would prefer her to find a different firm to work at…one that would make her busier and more on par with him as she didn't seem to be living up to his standards in the legal scheme of things. She didn't want to start over again though…and with Jim traveling so much, the slower pace meant that Katie still had one full time parent in her life. Her daughter deserved to have her mother as much as she could since her father was fine with being absent lately. It wasn't that she begrudged Jim his success, she didn't and she was proud of him…she just hadn't wanted to be left behind while he enjoyed it but apparently that was how it was going to be. Johanna glanced at her watch; having dinner alone made it a quicker affair…and the movie she had gone to hadn't held her interest so she had left halfway through. She didn't want to go to a bar…and she didn't like the thought of going home early; especially with their fight continuing to cycle through her mind. He had actually laughed when she said she might not be there when he finally came home…and she didn't want to be home…not now while he wasn't…and not when he finally came back. She was tired of always being the one sitting home; hell even Katie had more to do than she did. Her four year old had sleepovers and playdates…her husband had his friends and his business trips…and what did she have? All she had were nights spent alone in that house, loneliness crowding in around her…restlessness and longing. She had briefly entertained the notion of getting a hotel room for the night just so she could live up to her word that she might not be there when Jim got home but it would just cause more problems…or worse, he'd stay gone until morning himself.
Johanna sighed deeply as she walked past a few more stores and paused in front of a liquor store for a moment before pulling open the door and going inside. She'd just get a bottle of wine and go home…listen to the silence and hope she was asleep before he came home because the last thing she wanted was for him to think she had waited up for him because it was the last thing she intended to do.
Elizabeth Beckett sat a glass of water on her nightstand and moved to sit down on the edge of the bed but paused, thinking better of it for a moment. She had tucked Katie in an hour before, read her a story and kissed her goodnight. She should be sound asleep by now…but as she moved back to the doorway, she figured that while Robert was getting his shower she better look in on their grandchild and make sure that she hadn't kicked her covers off. She didn't want her to get cold through the night. Quietly, she made her way down the hallway and slipped through the door she had left ajar; flinching slightly as her granddaughter's gaze met hers in the darkness.
"Katie," she said softly as she turned on the lamp on the nightstand and perched on the edge of the bed. "Why are you still awake?"
"It's dark," Katie murmured, her small fingers clutching the comforter.
Elizabeth brushed back a strand of her granddaughter's hair. "There's nothing to be afraid of in the dark. We've talked about it before; you're a big girl, you don't need a nightlight."
"I know, Grammy. I don't have a nightlight. Mommy has a light in the hallway so I can see to go to pee at night."
She nodded, knowing all about Johanna's lamp on the stand in the hallway and the story that it was there to light the way to the bathroom. Usually her granddaughter wasn't bothered by the lack of light when she stayed over once she started leaving the blind open a little so the moonlight would peek in but there were moments during the evening when Katie hadn't quite seemed like herself and she found herself brushing her fingers across her forehead to check for signs of fever. Her granddaughter's forehead was cool and her skin tone was healthy. Something else was bothering her…something more than a lack of nightlight but she'd play along for the moment. "I know that sometimes it can be easy to lose your way to the bathroom when you're sleepy so I guess I can turn on a light in the hallway. Would that make you feel better?"
Katie nodded as she rubbed her eye.
Elizabeth brushed her fingertips against her granddaughter's soft cheek as she studied her. "What else is wrong, Katie? You can tell me; you'll feel better if you do."
Katie glanced up at her, her teeth worrying her bottom lip for a second. "Mommy and Daddy were yelling."
"When?"
"At home before Mommy brought me here. They were yelling and saying bad words."
Elizabeth curled her hand over Katie's. "Mommies and Daddies argue sometimes. Even me and Grandpa yell sometimes."
"You do?"
She nodded. "Yes; sometimes we get mad at each other but it doesn't last too long."
"Daddy's mad all the time. He yells a lot…it makes Mommy sad."
"Does it make you sad too?"
Katie nodded. "I don't like it."
"I don't think anyone does," Elizabeth said gently. "But I'm sure Mommy and Daddy are done yelling and they forgot all about it once they got to the restaurant."
Katie shook her head. "Daddy went to work again."
"What do you mean he went to work? Daddy was taking your mommy on a date for Valentine's Day since he has to go out of town."
"He told her he had to go to work…that's why they were yelling. Mommy said he broke his promise again and Daddy said he don't have to take her on dates anymore. Mommy said all he does is go to work and go out with his friends and Daddy said Mommy don't do nothing cause she don't have a life. What does that mean, Grammy?"
"It means your daddy is full of it," Elizabeth remarked. "Your mommy does a lot of things; she goes to work, she teaches a class, she takes care of you and the house and does the errands. She does more than your father realizes."
"Mommy told him he needs to quit drinking and then maybe he will know what's in his head. But how can Daddy eat his food without a drink, Grammy?"
Elizabeth breathed deeply. "She didn't mean that kind of drink. She meant the kind that only grown-ups can have. Sometimes those drinks can make people do things they shouldn't do…they can make people act differently than they usually do."
"Is that why Daddy gets mean and yells at Mommy?"
"It could be," she murmured.
"He should do what Mommy says and stop it," Katie said as she toyed with her grandmother's rings. "Daddy told her not to lecture him cause he already has a mommy to do that."
"Is that right?" Elizabeth asked, her brow arching as she contemplated smacking her son the next time she saw him.
"Uh huh. Mommy was sad. We picked out her dress after lunch and she told Daddy I was staying with you. He said I could still come over and Mommy could do something. I asked Mommy if she was going to have fun and she said no but it was okay because I would have fun here."
"I see…it sounds like you and Mommy had a rough day."
"Yeah. Daddy's going to go away tomorrow. Me and Mommy were going to take him to the train and now he says we can't go see the trains because Uncle Zach is taking him. I wanted to see the trains."
"Why is he taking a train?" Elizabeth asked. "A plane would be faster."
"Daddy said they have to go on the train cause a lot of people are going and that's what his boss said they had to do."
"It costs less," Elizabeth muttered. The trip would be longer but the cost would be lower; she should've known.
"I wanted to see the trains. Daddy said I could and now he says no."
"Daddy's being a pain, isn't he?"
"Yeah."
Elizabeth nodded. "He was like that as a kid sometimes too."
"Did you put him on timeout?"
"Sometimes. I think he might need a lot of timeouts…and a few smacks upside his head; but don't worry, everything will be alright."
"You think so, Grammy?"
"Yes; I'm sure it will be…and I'll have a talk with Grandpa and he'll take you to see the trains sometime soon, okay?"
"Okay."
Her normally chipper granddaughter still looked forlorn and it made her ache a little…her hands acting on impulse and pulling the covers back so that she could reach for her. "Come here my littlest daisy," she murmured as she drew her into her arms and held her; her small form melting into her embrace. "Everything will be alright," she told her. "No need to worry."
"Grammy?"
"Yes, dear?"
"I like your hair this way," Katie said, her hands toying with her grandmother's long, chestnut colored locks that tumbled down her back. "It looks like mine."
Elizabeth smiled as her granddaughter pulled back enough to look at her face. "It does look like yours, doesn't it?"
"Uh huh. I like it like this…you should keep it like this."
"I put it up so it doesn't get in my face," Elizabeth replied.
"But it don't look like mine then," Katie stated. "You should leave it like this and then you will look like me."
She laughed. "You look too much like your mommy for me to look like you…but maybe we can put your hair up and you'll look like me a little bit," she said, gathering up her granddaughter's hair and creating a makeshift bun with it.
Katie giggled. "Do I look like you now, Grammy?"
"Nope," she said with a smile. "You still look like your mother…except your face is shaped like your daddy's."
"And my hair is like yours, mommy says so."
Elizabeth gave a nod. "That's right, your hair is the same color as mine."
"Grammy?"
"Yes?"
"Will you stay with me?" Katie asked.
"For a little while, until you go to sleep," Elizabeth said as she placed her back in bed. "Would you like me to read you another story? Would that help you to go to sleep?"
"Yes…will you lay down with me like Mommy does sometimes?"
Normally she wouldn't have; she wasn't one to coddle children too much…but tonight her heart overruled her mind and she couldn't deny her granddaughter some comfort. "Alright, move over," she told her as she picked up the book of bedtime stories from the nightstand.
Katie moved over and Elizabeth settled in next to her, opening the book as she did so. "How about we read about Alice in Wonderland? Your aunt Madelyn always liked me to read that one."
"Let's read that one, Grammy."
"Okay," she said, brushing a kiss against her forehead. "You and your bunny snuggle close and we'll visit Alice for a little while."
Katie snuggled into her side as she opened the book, forcing herself to push away her own worries so that she could get her granddaughter settled for the night.
"Where have you been, Lizzie?" Robert asked when Elizabeth finally entered their bedroom and made her way to her side of the bed.
"I was with Katie; she was still awake. We had a little chat and I read her another story," she said as she settled into bed and reached for her magazine on the nightstand. "She's sleeping now."
"She must've gotten a little sugar rush from her treats," he replied lightly.
"No; she's worried because her parents are fighting again," Elizabeth remarked. "Jimmy was supposed to take Johanna out for an early Valentine's date since he's leaving town tomorrow but Katie informed me that he stood her up again."
"If they didn't go out then why is Katie here?"
Elizabeth eyed him. "Well for one thing, Katie said that her daddy said she could come anyway; and secondly, it's hard enough for a woman to know that everyone knows her husband already stood her up on her birthday; she's not going to be anxious to admit that he turned around and did it again a week later for Valentine's Day."
"Maybe Katie's mistaken. She's just a little girl, she probably got confused."
"No, she's not mistaken. Apparently things got loud enough that she overheard most of it and gave me a summary. Jimmy went to work instead of keeping his promise to his wife."
"A man has to work, Lizzie."
"Not every waking moment of his life!" she shot back. "Which is something I tried to get through to you over thirty years ago but you didn't want to hear it either."
"I had a wife and five children to support; I couldn't just let my work go…especially when I was moving up the ranks. I'm sure things aren't as bad as you make it seem. Jimmy's gotten a better position and he's working hard to prove himself worthy of it and future promotions…which means he has to work more. He has a family to support."
"He can support them without being an absentee husband and father! It isn't like he's the only one working. Johanna works too…matter of fact, she has two jobs and still finds time to be a wife and a mother."
Robert sighed deeply. "Yes, well, from what Jimmy tells me, I don't think Johanna is making the kind of money at her new firm that she was making at the old one…and I doubt she's making much from that teaching position. She only has one class twice a week. I think it's safe to say that Jimmy is earning the bigger paycheck."
"I don't care if he's earning the bigger paycheck; the point is, she is contributing to the finances. She is working…and from what she tells me, her caseload has picked up some."
"Lizzie; it doesn't matter. Jimmy is the breadwinner, just as he should be. You women just don't understand how it is."
"We understand plenty," Elizabeth said hotly. "We know all about how men can use their work as an excuse to be absent from home…it's so convenient for you to be able to use the excuse of 'well I support you'…you might be supporting financially but what about in every other way? Money isn't the only thing that matters. I remember all too well how you always had to work late when the kids were little…and then you had to go out with friends and clients and make contacts…have a few drinks because you were so stressed…and never mind that I was home with your five screaming kids, trying to clean the house and put meals on the table, get the kids cleaned up and ready for bed at a decent time. They all like to complain that I was the strict one and you were always the fun one…because they don't remember that I had to be the one who made the rules and enforced them because we'd have a row about your habits and you'd feel guilty, buy them toys and encourage their mischief. You got the best of both worlds; you got to be absent and you got to be the fun one when you were around and I got stuck with being the mean one, the bossy one, the strict one…the one who didn't have any fun. Oh yes, Robert; I understand all too well because I've already lived it! Johanna has it better than me…she only has one child and she has a job that gets her out of the house, so at least she has that going for her when I had nothing. The kids think I joined the garden club and the church ladies to get away from them and that's not the reason…I started joining groups so I could have something for myself…because for a long time I had nothing but dirty diapers and dinners I threw in the garbage because you didn't show up to eat them!"
Robert patted her hand. "It wasn't as bad as you're making it seem, Lizzie."
"Don't you tell me it wasn't!" she shot back. "I lived it! You just want to justify it because you're the one who was in the wrong. Just like this thing with Jimmy and Johanna. These aren't new issues; this has been going on since before Christmas. Even at Thanksgiving things seemed off between them. Johanna told me herself that all he does is work and go out with his friends…that he's drinking a lot."
"A man's entitled to blow off steam," her husband replied. "It's natural."
"Uh huh," she said as she side eyed him. "And when do women get to blow off steam?"
"You women blow off steam all the time," he laughed. "Just look at the amount of yelling you do. A man needs to have a drink and let off some steam."
"Not at the determent of his family!" Elizabeth replied. "I think if you take off your rose colored glasses and look back in time, you'll remember us having that same discussion. Your son is now becoming like you used to be and it needs to stop. You need to talk to him and make him wake up and realize what he's doing."
Robert blew out a breath. "Jimmy's fine. He's working hard to show them they made the right choice when they decided to promote him. He has a stressful job and needs to blow off steam with friends and relax with a drink…since it seems like he's not getting the support he's used to at home. It's really not a big deal. If Johanna would relax and understand what he needs to do right now, they wouldn't argue so much."
"So you're saying it's her fault?" Elizabeth asked with a raised brow.
"I'm not saying that Jimmy is perfectly innocent, he's not and never has been…but I think if Johanna would just settle down, she'd see that the only problems they have are the ones that she's making by being so uptight about things changing. I think she's still upset about losing her position and she's taking it out on Jimmy."
"I think that's a load of bull," she retorted. "Jimmy's playing with fire just so he can chase the almighty dollar up the damn ladder of so called success when he was fine the way he was. He's going to screw around and lose everything he has because I don't see Johanna putting up with this forever…and then he's going to have the fun of a divorce."
Robert sighed deeply once more. "Well you're the one who has always said that they wouldn't make it. You do give a new estimate for the expiration of their marriage every few years."
"That doesn't mean I want to be right!" she exclaimed.
He laughed. "I don't know; you've always been pretty adamant about it."
"I don't want to be right," Elizabeth ground out. "And if it did happen, I certainly didn't want it to be my son's fault…and I know if it does happen, it is going to be his fault."
"If it does happen, which it won't, but if it should, it will be both of their faults, not just Jimmy's."
"It's going to be his fault," she said with conviction. "And if it happens, do you really think we're going to see Katie as much as we do now? Johanna won't be obligated to come around here…and Jimmy will probably be so obsessed with his work and his drinks by then that he won't have time for visitations…so you just think about that, funny man; if those two get divorced, we won't be seeing our granddaughter much anymore."
"I'm sure Johanna wouldn't keep Katie from us, she'll still need babysitters," Robert soothed. "But they're not getting a divorce. They're just going through a rough spot right now. They'll get through it."
"I'm not saying she'd keep her away intentionally; just that she wouldn't come around as much…but I can see that talking to you about this is like talking to a brick wall. You never think your sons do any wrong."
"Lizzie," he breathed.
"Just forget it, Robert," she said as she roughly opened her magazine. "You're not going to talk to him and you don't care about what's going on."
"It's really none of our business."
"Remember that when we only see Katie on holidays," she remarked. "I'm done with this now; I want to read."
Robert was about to speak once more but thought better of it, opting instead to kiss her cheek before giving his attention back to the television. She was just overreacting; things weren't as dire as they all made it seem.
It was nearly ten when Jim unlocked the front door and moved inside, a bouquet of roses in hand. He shut the door and locked it, laying the flowers on the stand with his keys so that he could hang up his coat. He sighed deeply, taking in the silence of the house…silence was never a good thing…especially when he had left on bad terms. He picked up the bouquet and moved into the living room but he found it to be dark and void of his wife's presence. He turned around and headed down the hallway to the kitchen but it too was dark and empty as he moved through it. Surely she hadn't followed through on her threat to not be there when he got home, did she? His stomach knotted a little as he moved to the backdoor and pulled the curtain back to see if her car was in the driveway. Her car was there…but that didn't necessarily mean that she was; after all, she could've called a cab or one of her friends. She could've even called her mother but somehow that seemed like a last resort option. Maybe she had gone to bed, he told himself as he headed back for the doorway.
Jim raked a hand through his hair; he figured he couldn't exactly blame her for being mad…he had ditched her two weekends in a row…but a little understanding would've been nice…but women never understood when you had to break plans. Another sigh crossed his lips; it wasn't like he had enjoyed the meeting…he hadn't. He didn't want to hurt her…and yet he kept doing it. He was tired and frustrated…the thought of a long train ride the next day was one he didn't want to think about. As he moved into the hallway, he figured he'd check the office and see if Johanna was hiding from him there. Once he found her he'd offer to take her to a movie although he was tired and didn't really want to go…but he didn't want to leave with her being angry either. Leaving home on a sour note as gave him a bitter feeling in his stomach…and sometimes he wondered if he would come home one day and find her gone. He didn't like to think that…didn't really think she'd ever do that but he didn't like the threat just the same. He'd have to make things up to her and he would…somehow…when he was sure he'd have the time to do it right.
The lights in the office were on and he could pick up the soft sounds of the radio as he moved through the door; his eyes seeking his wife and finding her at her desk, papers in front of her and a glass of wine within reach. She didn't look up from her work; didn't acknowledge his presence at all as he moved toward her desk and stood before it. "Hey," he murmured quietly.
Johanna flicked a glance at him. "Hey," she said quietly, her tone flat and uninterested.
"I brought these for you," he replied, holding the bouquet of roses out to her.
She gave them a disdainful glance and then met his eye. "You know what to do with them."
"Put them in a vase with water?"
"No," she said with a shake of her head. "Take them out and put them in the garbage. I told you before you left not to bring home flowers."
"Jo…please take them."
Anger flickered in her eyes as she took the bouquet and dropped it into the small trashcan near her desk. "Quit wasting your money on flowers, Jim; they don't make anyone feel better but you."
He sighed deeply. "Do you want to go to a movie; we can go to the last showing of the night."
Johanna shook her head. "I already went to a movie tonight."
A flicker of annoyance flared in his veins. "With who?"
"Myself," she retorted. "I took myself out to dinner and then I took myself to a movie. I figure I better start getting used to doing those things on my own."
"So you're going to date yourself now?" Jim asked before he could swallow the words.
"No one else seems to want the job so I may as well," Johanna replied.
"You make it sound like you've been interviewing candidates for the job."
She shook her head. "No; I don't want to have to go through all that business again that I went through with you. I'll just stay single this time around."
His jaw tightened. "You're married."
"In name only it seems," she replied. "But it's okay, I'll get used to it. Like I said, you don't have to worry, I'm not going to ask you to take me anywhere anymore. I used to go out alone before I was with you…it's time I get back to that. I'll have someone keep Katie overnight once a month and I'll go out by myself."
"Must not have been a fun date if you're only going to go once a month."
She smirked at him. "Well, some of us who are full time parents find it hard to go out a lot when they have a child at home to take care of. I know that's not something you worry about, but I have to take it into consideration since I am a full time parent."
Jim's gaze narrowed. "Just what are you saying?"
She met his pointed gaze with one of her own. "You know exactly what I'm saying," she said evenly.
"Yeah, that's what I thought and you better change your tune," he retorted. "I'm just as much a parent as you are."
"You used to be, but not lately," she remarked.
"Don't act like you're any better; you're the one working two jobs, that's extra time away from her."
"It's two hours a week, Jim. I still see her every day. I wake her up, I get her dressed, I get her fed, I drop her off at the babysitter, I pick her up. I play with her. I talk to her. I make her dinner, get her bathed. I do the bedtime stories and tuck her in. I'm here every day…and I know, you have to travel for work, but even when you're not traveling, you're hardly here. When you are here, all you do is give her the brushoff or tell her you're busy."
"I tell her I'm busy when I'm trying to work. I also try to give her a little bit of discipline because you rarely do! All you do is baby her."
"I do not! I just know she's a little girl who doesn't understand everything that you want her to. She's four, not fourteen."
"I know how old she is, Johanna; but she has to learn sometime. Maybe Naomi should've been a little firmer with you and then you wouldn't get the way you do sometimes."
Johanna glared at him. "I got plenty of firmness from my father in the form of a belt or his hand…and no one is ever going to use a belt on my child."
"I would never do that," Jim replied. "But she does need more discipline than you give her."
"Let's just drop that subject because I don't feel like fighting anymore tonight," Johanna remarked. "It's bad enough that Katie had to hear it earlier."
"That had nothing to do with her."
"But she still didn't need to hear it."
"You can't keep kids from hearing their parents fight," he retorted. "I heard my parents fight and I know you heard yours because you've told me so."
"Yeah, I did…and I know you did too…but we're supposed to do better…or at least try," she told him.
"We don't fight every day."
Johanna scoffed. "Seems like it to me lately."
Jim rolled his eyes. "Fine, we don't fight in front of Katie every day."
She said nothing in response, merely gave her attention back to her papers as he huffed out a breath. "Do you want to go out for a drink?" he offered.
Johanna shook her head as she picked up her glass of white wine. "No, thanks. I already have a drink. I figured while I was out to dinner and a movie that I'd just buy my own drink and bring it home so I stopped by the liquor store and picked up a bottle of wine."
"You usually prefer red wine."
"I thought I'd go with something different tonight…after all, it's been a different kind of night than I'm used to…or maybe I should say it was the kind of night I'm out of practice at having."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning I haven't done these things alone since being with you," Johanna remarked before taking a sip of her wine. "When I was single I used to go out and eat by myself sometimes…I saw movies alone…I went and had a drink by myself when I had a few sorrows to drown. I'm out of practice…but I'll re-learn."
"I offered to take you to a movie," he ground out.
"Yeah, you offered, because you feel like you have to…but I already went. I ate, I saw a movie and I have a drink. I didn't have to just sit here and wait on you to come home and throw some pity my way."
The remarked angered him and he spoke without thinking. "Yeah, I thought you said maybe you wouldn't be here when I got home…but you are, just like I knew you would be."
Johanna gave a short laugh. "Yeah, I'm here…because I had nowhere else to go. I thought about staying in a hotel for the night but I didn't want to listen to you yell about how I spend my money…so I came home. I got home around nine, just in case you're wondering."
"Where did you eat?" he questioned, not entirely sure that he believed that she had actually gone out.
"At that place we used to go to all the time, Remy's. It wasn't the meal I had anticipated having tonight but it was nice too. I had a milkshake with my dinner…it's been awhile since I had one of those. It was just as good as I remembered."
"What movie did you see?"
"Unfaithfully Yours…you wouldn't have liked it. I didn't care for it myself."
Jim nodded as he rocked on his heels, shoving his hands in his pockets. "And then you bought wine?"
"I window shopped before I bought the wine."
"I don't want you walking around the city by yourself," he said sharply. "I've told you that before. It isn't safe!"
"I'm fine!" she yelled back. "What do you care anyway?"
"I care because you're my wife!"
"Am I? Because I don't really feel like one lately."
"Don't start that again," Jim said in frustration.
Johanna dropped her gaze to her work. "Just go on to bed, Jim; you've got a long day tomorrow. I packed your suitcases last night so we wouldn't have to worry about it this evening. All you need to do is make sure you have everything you need in your briefcase before you leave tomorrow."
"You didn't have to pack for me," he said, his tone becoming softer.
"I always do…I want to know that you have everything you need," she replied quietly. "Go on to bed, you need your rest. I'll be up later."
He didn't move, his conscience bothering him despite his frustration with her. "What are you doing?" he asked with a nod at her papers.
"Grading papers that I don't need to have done until Tuesday…because I left my casework in my briefcase at the office so that I could have a break this weekend."
"If you wanted to have a break then why are you grading papers? Why didn't you wait until Monday night?"
Johanna glanced up at him. "Because I had nothing else to do. I went out, I came home. Katie's with your mother so I didn't have her to get bathed and put to bed. You were off at your meetings or whatever it was you needed or wanted to do…I did the housework this morning while Katie slept in. The laundry doesn't need done yet…there wasn't anything on TV I wanted to see…so I figured I may as well work after all. You are the one who told me that I should have something to do since I have two jobs…that's one of your favorite things to throw up in my face…like I took the job as some slight to you…and really I took it because I wanted to do something for myself…because I was bored and out of sorts…and no one wanted to listen when I'd try to talk about it so I had to find something to occupy me. I know you don't like me teaching a class…I know you think I'm probably bad at it…and maybe I am, I haven't exactly asked for an evaluation of how I'm doing because at the moment I don't want to know. There are too many other areas that I'm failing in to want to add more acknowledgment."
"You're not failing at anything."
She scoffed softly. "That's not how it feels to me but I know you don't like to hear it so there's no point in going on about it."
He shifted on his feet, his head lowering for a moment. "I'm sorry about tonight," Jim murmured.
"Yeah, sure."
"I am," he said, firmness leaking into his voice.
"You always are…and yet it happens over and over," Johanna replied. "I really shouldn't have been surprised about tonight. I should've known all along that we weren't going. Back in October we were supposed to go to Sharon and Phil's anniversary party and I went alone because you had to go Albany. In November, you said we'd go out before you had to go to Chicago…but you had meetings then too. You were gone all of December except for coming home the night of Christmas Eve and being here Christmas Day. You said we'd go out for New Year's Eve but you came home hungover and didn't feel like it so you went to bed early and I stayed up by myself. You stood me up for my birthday last week. You promised you'd watch Katie while I taught my class this week…but you had other things to do so I had to pay Angie to do it again. You said we were going out for Valentine's Day tonight…but no, you had meetings. I should've known it wasn't going to happen…I mean I've had more than enough proof that any plans you make are just little white lies. So this one is on me…I should've known better. It's my fault for being foolish enough to believe you when I know deep down you're not going to come through. So, I'm going to take the blame for this one, Jim. I shouldn't have been stupid and believed you in the first place."
"Jo," he breathed. "You're not stupid."
"Oh but I am…I keep falling for your lies," she said with a bitter laugh. "But I'm going to stop. When you say we're going to do something, I'll humor you and pretend to believe it all the while going on about my business because we'll both know it's not going to happen."
"That's not true."
"It is…but it's fine, Jim. Like I told you earlier, I'm not going to ask you to take me anywhere. You can rest easy…our dating days are officially history.
Frustration thrummed in his veins but he forced himself to keep his temper in check. "I want to do things with you, Johanna. I want to take you places."
She gave a short laugh. "Sure you do…that's why we have all of those canceled plans. My birthday and Valentine's Day have been such a hit that I can't wait to see what our anniversary brings…oh wait, let me guess, you'll probably be out of town…and even if you're not, you'll have an evening long meeting to go to or friends to be with…while you forget it's our anniversary in the first place."
"I won't let that happen; I promise."
"Your promises don't hold much weight with me anymore," Johanna admitted as her gaze fell back to her papers. "Go on to bed. I'll be quiet when I come up in case you're asleep."
"Why don't you just leave the rest of your grading for tomorrow and come on up with me?" he asked.
"What for?" she murmured. "You don't care if I'm there any other time."
"That's not true," Jim said as he reached out and plucked the pen from her hand. "You said you don't need it until Tuesday so there's no reason why you can't just come upstairs."
"Maybe I don't want to," she replied as she held her hand out for her pen.
"You do," he told her; keeping her pen out of her reach. "Come on, Jo…I know you're mad and I know I can't make it better but I'm leaving tomorrow…."
"I know," Johanna whispered, her gaze falling to the desk.
"So come upstairs with me…you can have the bathroom first while I lock up the house."
Part of her wanted to be stubborn as he rounded her desk and reached for her hand; she wanted to fight it and tell him no…that she'd rather stay at her desk…but they'd both know she was lying. She didn't want to be at her desk; she wanted to be with him…even if he did only want her upstairs with him to assuage his guilt.
"Sweetheart," he murmured as he tugged at her hand.
He always knew just where to hit her to get his way, she thought as she allowed him to tug her out of her chair. Sweetheart used to be an everyday endearment from him…and lately she only heard it in moments like this when he was guilty or remorseful…or looking to sway her opinion. She sucked in a weary breath and allowed her husband to lead her away from her desk; her fingers curling around his against her will. Tomorrow he'd be leaving and she wasn't entirely sure when she'd be sleeping next to him again so she may as well take what she could get even if she wasn't sure it was a good idea.
Later on, Johanna breathed deeply as she laid on her side, her back to Jim's side of the bed. She could hear the distant sound of the water being turned off in the bathroom and she wasn't sure if she should be glad that he'd be joining her soon or if she should've stayed at her desk. She didn't like this stage of their marriage; couldn't help but feel like it was an omen…that maybe Elizabeth was right after all and they weren't destined to make it. Her eyes closed at the thought; she didn't know how she'd get through it if it came to that. She shook off the thought; she didn't even want to think about it…and yet lately it strayed into her thoughts every time she was stood up…every time they had a stupid argument…every time he came home drunk. She was surprised that he hadn't come home drunk that evening; she had expected him to…after all, a few drinks seemed to be a staple of these so called meetings he always had. She supposed that it was a small consolation that he hadn't come home drunk…but maybe he figured it was the least he could do since he had stood her up two weekends in a row and had broken other promises as well.
She heard his footsteps in the hall; this night could've gone so differently. They could've gone out, had a nice meal together where they weren't distracted by Katie or work or the ring of the phone. They could've seen a movie together, her hand entwined with his, listening to him whisper commentary in her ear if the movie didn't go the way he had hoped…or stealing kisses in the dark theater like they had done back before she had been demoted in the scheme of his life. After the movie, they could've gone to some little place, listened to a band for awhile as they nursed a drink…could've came home and spent the night wrapped up in each other like it used to be. Her eyes filled with tears and she closed them tightly, determined to keep them from falling as Jim entered the room.
Jim moved into the room, noting that the lamp on Johanna's nightstand was off…that once again she had her back turned to his side of the bed. He suppressed a sigh; she'd been sleeping with her back to him for days now…ever since she had cuddled up to his back one night in her sleep and he had nudged her away, waking her in the process. She thought he didn't want her to be close to him but really his back had been aching that night as it often did when he was stressed. He could've told her…could've spared her feelings but he hadn't…because he knew if he had, she would've wanted to fuss over him and he didn't want that for reasons beyond himself. He had been sharp tongued that night, telling her she needed to move back to her side of the bed so he could move without her being glued to his back. He regretted it; after all, that habit he had nicknamed the Koloa had been a part of them since their dating days and he had a feeling she'd never do it again now that he had brushed her off. He raked a hand through his hair; it seemed like he was always screwing up with her lately. It felt like he was screwing up in all sectors of life lately if you got down to it. Everything felt wrong and he didn't know how to fix it other than trying to push through, keep his momentum for work so they'd know he was worthy of the cases he was getting and more promotions down the line. He wanted to keep pushing forward in his career…and yet it didn't feel quite right either.
Jim felt weary as he pulled back the covers and climbed into bed; wishing he'd had a drink first but that probably wouldn't have been wise either. He had had one at the meeting…thought about going along to the bar with a few of his colleagues but he had chosen to go in search of his please forgive me flowers instead so he could make his way home. The flowers were in the garbage…again…and as he looked over at Johanna's back, hearing the softest sniffle that told him she wasn't asleep; he just wished he could make it better somehow. He moved closer, wrapping an arm around her as his chest pressed against her back. He brushed a kiss to her shoulder and then against her hair. "I'm sorry," he murmured.
Johanna sniffled a little. "I shouldn't have said anything," she whispered.
"About what?" he asked in puzzlement.
"About tonight…when you told me you couldn't go out. I should've just said okay and let it go."
"It upset you…I knew it would and I didn't like to do it. I didn't expect you to be silent about it."
"I should've been," she murmured as she wiped away the tears on her cheek. "My lack of silence is why you don't like to come home."
He closed his eyes, hating himself for a moment. "I didn't mean it."
The tears continued to spill down her cheeks as she kept her back to him. "I think you did…and it's my fault if you feel that way. Maybe I'm not the person I used to be…I've gotten boring."
"I never said that," Jim told her, his arm tightening around her. "You're not boring."
"I am…I spent the evening with myself, I know how boring I am," she said as she tried to shake off his hold but he didn't release her.
"You're not," he insisted. "And I never said you were. I didn't mean the things I said; I was just mad."
"Mad at me…like usual. I guess you'll be glad to head to Vermont tomorrow," Johanna murmured.
A part of him did like being on his own when he had to travel for work but he knew from previous experience that it wasn't a wise thing to say. "No, I won't be glad," he whispered, brushing his lips against her shoulder once more. "I'll miss you."
She scoffed and he ached a little as he continued to press soft kisses against her skin. "I will," he insisted. "I'm sorry about tonight, Jo."
"It's fine," she murmured. "You're right, it's a stupid holiday anyway."
"I'll make it up to you when I get back," he told her, brushing a kiss against her neck.
Johanna shook her head. "No, just let it go…two weekends of being stood up in one month is enough for any woman. Let's just forget it."
"I'm not going to forget it…I'm going to make it up to you when I get back," he replied, his fingertips slipping beneath the thin strap of her nightgown and slipping it off her shoulder so that he could brush a few more sensual kisses against her skin, a spark of desire flaring to life within him.
Johanna's eyes closed as his hand moved along her side, the kisses against her skin lingering and making her long for more…but she shouldn't just give in…not when she was hurt and angry…not just because she was lonely for him. "Jim," she murmured as he gently turned her toward him. "I don't…"
"Shh," he whispered before catching her lips in a kiss to silence what she was going to say. "I want to be with you, sweetheart…don't you want to be with me?"
"Of course I do," she answered, her fingertips brushing against his chest as she tried to ignore the feelings he was evoking with his touch and his kisses. "But…"
"No buts," Jim replied softly. "Let's just feel better for a little while…and in the morning, I'll take you out to breakfast. I know it's not the same but we've had nice breakfast dates before, do you remember?"
Johanna nodded. "I remember but it isn't necessary…you'll want to get ready to leave."
"I'm not leaving until the afternoon and Katie will still be with my mother in the morning," he replied, his hand finding the hem of her nightgown and slowly dragged it higher. "We'll have plenty of time to go to breakfast. You'll go to breakfast with me, won't you?"
She didn't believe for a minute that he'd actually go through with it…it would just be another broken promise.
"Please, sweetheart," he said, his lips skimming against hers.
Johanna sucked in a shuddering breath and nodded, her fingers slipping into his hair at the nape of his neck. It wouldn't happen, she knew that without a doubt but to keep the peace for the rest of the night, she'd pretend like she believed him.
"That's my girl," Jim whispered as he coaxed her to sit up so he could rid her of her nightgown.
She probably shouldn't be doing this either, Johanna thought to herself as he tossed the silky garment to the floor and guided her back to her pillow, his lips and hands returning to the work of setting her on fire and making her forget for awhile. She shouldn't be giving in so easy, she reminded herself as her hand moved against his bare back while accepting his passion fueled kiss…but she was lonely for him…starved for his affection…needing to feel like she still mattered to him in some way. She might regret it in the morning but at least for the moment, she'd have her husband back and she could feel the way she used to…loved, wanted, secure in the knowledge that he was still hers even if it didn't always feel like it. Everything was wrong…but it could be alright for a little while…and she was learning that she had to take whatever moments she could get.
A/n: We'll see if that breakfast date happens in the next chapter…