Chapter 26

Slip of the Tongue

Part Two

…5 hours after the previous chapter

(told via Dina's posts to her transgender Yahoogroup. She calls

Tommy 'John' to protect his identity.)

…And like so many things in my life. It doesn't last.

My beyond idiotic brother made, oh what are we calling it? A slip of the tongue? Yeah right.

"John" was helping him move out of our room (that's another story for later) while I was at

work. I guess a photograph he had of us together—the only difference was I was pre-op. It

fell out of the box, and when "John" asked who it was that's when my world came crashing

down. I've been crying on and off—and I just got the strength to crawl out of my mother's

bed (she let me sleep with her. Because I couldn't bear to be in that room even if my stupid

brother wasn't in it) and type this message to the group. I lost my soulmate. He said it wasn't

because he put two and two together and realized the boy in the picture was the woman he's

been dating. I don't know what to believe, since it happened after he saw Josh in the

photograph. He told me he thought he loved me, but now he didn't. I didn't feel the same way

to him. "John" told me that I'm wonderful and I deserve to be loved. He told me he loved

me, but we CAN'T be together. His words really don't make sense. Yet, I don't blame

"John", I blame Drake. I thought endlessly of telling him about being born Josh Nichols.

How do you keep being transgender a secret? Yes, we are supposed to transition into society,

but our romantic relationships, if one is looking for true love and what-not, are with only one

person. OR we should STRIVE to want to be monogamous. We are more intelligent than the

animals. Society has nothing to do with it. I'm going to miss the promise I could've had with

"John" and I don't know if I can forgive my brother for what he's done.

Hugs and Kisses,

you have all been there for me when I lost my young friend, Stephanie. I hate to bring yet

another Dina crisis on this group. I'm not the only one here with problems so I'll end this post

now.

--xoxo Dina Nichols

Next Day:

It was typical macho crap. I'm so glad I don't have to pretend to be masculine anymore.

Drake and I are pretty much reduced to small talk. He keeps trying to apologize, but I won't

have it. I just happened to be home when "John" came over to pick up his amp and of

course, Drake, had to punch him in the jaw and attempt to kick him out of their band. This

was going on while they were auditioning drummers! I got between them and I told them to

knock it off. That anything that happened between "John" and I had absolutely nothing to

do with their band. And they better just leave me out of it. I told Drake I didn't want to be

blamed for this one either. And then I realized my own slip of the tongue. But I didn't care. At

least the truth is out there.

"John" looked terrible. So, for those who filled my email box with "Dina, you're better off

without him, honey"—don't know what they're fucking talking about. He's obviously hurting

over SOMETHING. SOMEONE. I don't know. Our eyes met and I just wanted him to take

me in his strong arms and kiss me—and make all of the bad go away. At least, I can still hear

him play his bass. It's not the same, but I'll take it.

But know that "John" is just as miserable as I am. It's not like he's walking through a fresh

meadow.

--xoxo Dina Nichols

Four days later:

I'm doing the only thing I can do at the moment. Survive. I do my Reach Out volunteer work,

I have my job at the movies, and I've been thinking about finally going to college since

legally I am Dina—which was why I put it off going in the first place. It's just my humble

opinion, but these articles that I've been reading about transitioning while at work or at

school in my mind are just insane. We have all known people who were victims of hate

crimes. Although, isn't every crime a hate crime? And, Stephanie was murdered because of

Karen's jealousy not because she was transgendered, because Karen is too. And I really hope,

even though I know I shouldn't. I really hope she's getting a difficult time in prison due to her

top half being female. She took innocence away and that doesn't sit lightly with me. I'm sorry

to have rambled on, but, that is why I think especially for the young people to transition while

they are in school is just not something I can sit here and recommend. It should be done while

you are not in school or having the responsibility to work. Maybe, for some it's the only way,

but we know how evil can be—just pick up any major city newspaper. So, the point is I want

to go back to school. I want to live far away in a dorm and be just one of the girls. I also

want to forget. I'll miss my mother terribly, my sister (even though she's an angsty mess), and

I guess I'll barely miss Drake. But I need to forget for a while. I can't stand "John" coming

over and playing in Drake's band—and the longer I sneak glances at him, the more angry I

become that he's just allowing himself to be eaten up by whatever is inside of him that he

won't let out.

I'm a good catch.

LOL

And I look cute in my swirly skirts.

But more important than that, I'm a good person that deserves to be loved, and it took a lot

of years of talks with my Grammy, mom, and therapist(s) to believe it.

As much as I hate to say this, I need to move on and away. New York is too cliché. Maybe, I

should be like Mary Richards and move to Minneapolis so I can toss my hat in the air—that I

made it after all.

I don't know where I'm going, but I know I can't stay here.

Dina Nichols needs to blossom.

Hugs and Kisses,

--xoxo Dina