Broken Kingdom
By Jenevieve
Summary: The funeral is over and John has been buried but Natalie is hanging on by a thread, and Michael and Evangeline are her last hope.
Rating: PG13 for discussion of death and mention of sexual situations; Angst
Disclaimer: I sadly do not own any of the characters. They are all the wonderful creations of Agnes Nixon and the writers of One Life to Live, and I am only taking advantage of my love of the show to play with them for a little while.
Spoilers: The story follows the basic current storyline of "One Life to Live", skipping ahead to after John's funeral which is yet to happen, so really this is just a bit of fluff of my own creation. It was written just after John's death so it is quite different from the show's actual events.
A/N: Lyrics used in this fan fiction are from Evanescence's song "Even In Death". Additional lyrics used in the story are from Bette Midler's song "Wind Beneath My Wings". I also did not have a beta on this story so please forgive any minor mistakes (P.S. I'm looking for a OLTL beta if anyone is interested ).
Give me a reason to believe
That you're gone
I see your shadow so I know
They're all wrong
Moonlight on the soft brown earth
It leads me to where you lay
They took you away from me
But now I'm taking you home…
Some say I'm crazy for my love
Oh my love
But no bonds can hold me from your side
Oh my love
They don't know you can't leave me
They don't hear you singing to me
I will stay forever here with you
My love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death, our love goes on
And I can't love you any more than I do
People die, but real love is forever…
-----
The door to Rodi's closed behind her with the soft squish of air being pressed out from the space between the door and its frame. The soft exhalation of air, sealing her alone in the silence of the fading daylight outside the bar, away from the sounds of those still celebrating a life lived and lost; still inside bolstering each other's spirits, sewing up their hearts with warm recollections and happy anecdotes. The predictable pantomime of those left behind.
Despite the fading light the day was unseasonable warm. No breeze had appeared to suck the sweat that had clung to their skin while they sat and remember. Not a gust to dry away tears as dirges were sung, a box lowered into the earth, and the final goodbyes said. Nothing to ease the pain of lost.
"Honey, are you sure you don't want me to drive you home?"
The voice startled her from the void she had slipped into, the empty space that seemed to occupy more and more of her waking moments. Turning she blinked into the eyes of her mother. Vikki's eyes tried to be soothing, inviting, but all she could see was the concern and sadness. She knew eyes like those all too well. The mouth whispered words of comfort, of support, but the eyes…the eyes spoke only of pity, staring at her as if she might shatter on the spot. Eyes that held fear and a secret desire to see her unravel, because then there would be something physical Vikki could reach out and do for her. She'd seen those eyes all too often after Cristian died, blinking out at her from everyone she passed, everyone who knew as if whispering, "There goes his widow." She'd seen those eyes once or twice looking out at her from his eyes as well, but it had only been at the very beginning just after Cris's death, and his eyes had shone with compassion more than anything else. In his eyes she'd found the comfort the others couldn't give her. Those eyes that knew her better than herself, that saw into her heart, into her soul. But those eyes were gone now; those singularly beautiful eyes.
"No, I just want to be alone." She heard herself say the words, vaguely aware that her mouth was moving. She felt detached from her body, as if she was sitting behind her own eyes watching out through them, watching Vikki frown at her with worry.
"Honey…"
"Don't." The word was soft but stern, and turning she walked away.
She knew Vikki was still watching her go, debating whether to let her just leave like that but she didn't care. She moved through the heat and sun without a conscious thought. Goosebumps broke out over her skin, and she shivered violently as she continued forward, her mind completely numb. It wasn't until her feet stopped moving that she realized where she was.
She stood outside the hotel, her eyes staring at the empty window so high above. For a girl with two families, two separate places she could call home, the room beyond the simple, plain window above had been her real home. It had been a sanctuary for a long time; a place of comfort, of safety, and above all love. No matter how bad things got, and they had gotten bad for her, for him, for them, in that room they had always come back to what was important, to what was there when you stripped away all the emotional baggage and the fears. It was home and she could feel it calling to her.
For a moment she stood shivering, frozen in place, fighting with herself to resist the urge to race up the stairs and wrap the safety of the room around her like a blanket. She could if she really wanted to, and she could feel the ache in her heart to do just that. She could take it and slip inside without anyone ever knowing. Curl up under the blankets of the bed and pretend like nothing was broken in the world, that this home, this kingdom where they had loved and lived was still whole like some fairytale world removed from reality. The key would be hanging just behind the desk. Room number six. She could see it in her mind's eye just hanging there waiting for her, calling her to fill its empty room with life again. After all there was no one else. Roxie had put the room up for rent a few days ago and there had been no takers yet. It was as lonely, empty and hollow as she was; maybe they did need each other if only for a few moments.
"No," she whispered aloud, verbally steeling herself, her voice thick. There was no going back there now because for all the good memories the room held imprinted on its walls, her pain and grief was also there, soaking the very air with what she'd lost.
Turning away she began to move back towards Angel Square when she noticed her car sitting in the hotel parking lot. How long had it been there? A week now maybe. It struck her as funny how she had completely forgotten it was there, and slowly she walked over to it and got in. Turning the keys in the ignition she was startled by the loud outburst of music that started along with the engine. A jazz cd. John's. Suddenly she remembered…
They had taken her car from the station after Spencer's arrest, driving over to Rodi's to grab a few burgers to take back with them to the room. She'd left John alone in the car while she ran in to get the order and when she'd gotten back she'd been surprised to see him reclining back in the passenger's seat, his hands tucked behind his head and a huge smile plastered across his lips. She'd gotten her answer why the moment she'd opened the door and the smooth music had wrapped itself around her. They'd joked and laughed the whole way back to the apartment and John had insisted they sit for a few minutes longer in the car until the last song was over. As the last few heartfelt beats faded away he'd reached over and kissed her so deeply it had taken her breath away. They had made love all night after that.
Natalie swallowed hard as the memories washed over her like rain, and turning the music up she put the car in gear and took off, wheels squealing.
-----
The head stone shone up at her in the blazing fire of the setting sun. It's shiny new surface proudly bearing his name. This was as close as she could be to him now, the marble surface the new alien face she was expected just to accept as the replacement for his eyes, his smile. Her eyes moved over the letters and numbers once, twice, ten times before she heard the name reverberate in her mind. John.
And suddenly she was back in the apartment with someone knocking at the door. She had been so sure it would be him when she opened it but it hadn't been him, and Bo had told her the truth. As she stood there staring down at the freshly filled in grave she saw and felt it all replay over again: watching Bo's words set in, watching her hands begin to shake as her body reacted physically then emotionally. First disbelief and anger, then the tears…they had fallen out of confusion more than belief. Moments and days flooded into one another in a long torrent of words and faces but she'd felt only two…first came Michael's announcement about John's intentions to marry her and then Eve's words as she gave her the engagement ring on John's behalf. For a moment the memory froze and she was back in her own body, turning the sparkling memento over in her palm acutely aware of the cool touch of the metal.
"Yes, John, I'll be yours forever." She whispered aloud, the ring catching the fading sunlight, as she echoed the words she'd only allowed herself to admit among the safety of his bedroom. Their bedroom. Again she felt the room begging her to come home.
How could she make it understand that for all the memories, like her, it was just another casualty of the senselessness that now ruled her life. John was gone. Their life together was gone. Their perfect kingdom burned to the ground. She'd help pack up the room; that was it. She could never go back.
"But you're not gone. I know you aren't dead!" The words tumbled out from between her lips, words she'd been silently repeating since the moment Bo had knocked on John's door.
And suddenly she was lost in the events of the last few days again, the memories speeding up, bleeding into each other in a brilliant painful flash of color – the service in the church, Uncle Bo's speech, Michael's speech, Eve's tears…and then she was at the cemetery, the coffin being lowered into the ground, the priest's words, Evangeline's voice singing, the American flag being presented to Eve and then passed to her. Again things slowed as she felt the weight of the smooth crisp fabric folded neatly in her arms, the way it had seemed to pull her heart deeper into the darkness swirling inside of her. Eve had been so overcome with grief she'd dropped to her knees beside the hole crying until Michael and Marcie had pulled her back. She'd watched them all, her face devoid of emotion, but inside she feel a sudden, violent disgust at their tears. Looking around she saw the same grief mirrored on so many faces, in so many eyes, and she had felt a silent rage so hot she wanted to scream at them all, at their complete lack of faith, of their rush to grieve and let go. If they really cared for John, if they loved him, then why couldn't they feel what she felt deep inside? He wasn't dead! John was not the kind of man to walk out on the people in his life. He wouldn't just leave them like that. He wouldn't leave her…And then she was alone in her chair by the grave, the flag folded on her lap, everyone already heading over to Rodi's, and still she felt nothing. She let her mind linger for a moment on the scene of her sitting there silently all alone before flashing to Rodi's, to the speeches, the laughter, the pathetic attempts of celebration, the suffocating crush of support and concern…until she'd finally snapped at Vikki and decided she needed to get out.
For a moment she just blinked, suddenly startled to find herself where she was, momentarily disoriented by the crush of memories that had pulled her under. She struggled with her emotions, swallowing down the pain, exhaustion, and hollowness that threatened to pull her even deeper. She felt like she was drowning inside and desperately she fought for the surface, for safety, to breath again. John.
As quickly as the flood of emotions and memories had come they subsided leaving her standing there before the tombstone shaking and raw. A sob exploded out of her in a hot gasp and suddenly she started to laugh. It was soft at first, a small bubble bursting up through her mouth but it grew and soon she couldn't stop the hysteria that overtook her, shaking her from head to toe. She laughed until tears came to her eyes and began slipping down her face. She laughed until her laughter turned to sobs, until she felt herself sinking forward blinded by tears, and she fell to her knees before the grave.
Beyond the point of audible sobs, her body shuddering with an overload of emotion, she crawled forward on hands in knees, her fingers curling into the fresh dirt of the grave as she pulled herself forward toward his name. Finally she dropped to her side; her body spooning the freshly laid earth, mirroring all those nights she lay pressed again his body. Curling her knees upward slightly she extended her left arm outward, her fingers falling and sinking into the dirt. She blinked silently, tears fading into the soft grass beneath her cheek, and quietly she began to whisper.
---
Only an hour he said, just give me one hour. Well now he was pushing two and still he wasn't back yet. Sighing Layla put down the book she'd been reading and gave Sean a cross look, but the big man just shrugged.
Business my ass! Layla silently fumed.
So they were in Atlantic City! It wasn't like they were there for a day trip, but she was being the good girlfriend. Vincent wasn't exactly a John McBain fan to begin with but he'd come to the funeral for her and for Evangeline. Ok, so she should cut him a little slack. It wasn't like they were missing much just a reception back at Rodi's and Vange would be alright without her. Cristian was with her. But just the same Layla was getting bored sitting in the park just waiting for him to come back.
"I need to stretch my legs," she announced to Sean as she pushed up off the bench she'd been perched on. "Watch my book ok?"
Sean nodded.
Stretching her arms over her head, Layla began walking back towards Vincent's car parked on the street, her mind set on retrieving her cell phone from her purse in the back seat. She really should give her sister a call. But just as she was reaching for the door handle she noticed a familiar red compact take a sharp turn into the entrance to the cemetery across the street. The car was moving pretty fast for the dirt and gravel drive, shooting rocks and dust up in its wake and Layla's eyes focused in on the Pennsylvania license plate on the back. Where had she seen that car before? And then just as the car was rounding the bend she caught a flash of red hair. Natalie.
Instinctively Layla began to turn away. If Natalie was back at the cemetery she probably wanted to be alone, and as much as she disliked the girl, Layla had to admit Natalie did not deserve the pain she must be feeling. After all, Evangeline had taken John's death hard; she could only imagine how Natalie felt especially knowing John was going to ask her to marry him. But there had been something about the way she was driving, the frantic jerking of the car that filled Layla's stomach with unease. As the car faded from view behind the brick wall that encircled the cemetery she stared after it, silently debating what to do.
"No harm in just checking," she finally shrugged, crossing the street, and quickly jogging in the direction she was certain Natalie was going.
Sure enough Natalie was standing at John's grave.
Layla hovered behind an outcrop of oak trees watching Natalie staring down at the freshly filled in grave. She seemed alright enough.
"Nice, Layla," she silently chided herself as guilt washed over her. She shouldn't be seeing something so private. What had she really expected? To see Natalie throw herself in after John? To try and take her own life? She shouldn't have followed. Natalie deserved to say goodbye without being spied on and silently Layla began to withdraw. And then Natalie begin to laugh. It wasn't the boisterous laugh of good joke, or the flirty softness of the more intimate kind. It wasn't exactly sarcastic or mirthless either. No, Natalie's laugh was a sharp, biting laugh full of something much darker, and as Layla watched, Natalie's laughter turn to tears so raw that Layla felt the hair stand up on the back of her neck. It was like watching a car crash in slow motion. No matter how badly she wanted to look away she couldn't, watching with horror as Natalie drop to the ground and lay down along side the dirt, curling her body to it as if it were a lover's body.
Without a sound Layla turned and raced back to the car. Jerking at the door handle she finally flagged over Sean to unlock the car.
"We're sitting five feet away, why the hell is it locked?" She raged as she dove into the backseat, wrenched open her purse, and pulled out her cell phone.
Rex. Rex. Rex. She flipped desperately through her contact list then jammed hard on the send button.
One ring. Two. Three. Six. Damn, his voice mail!
Hanging up Layla tried Adriana, Jessica, and Antonio with no success. They probably were all at the reception and had their phones off. Finally as a last resort she dialed her sister.
Evangeline picked up on the fifth ring. "Hey Layla, where are you?"
"Hey, Vange, sorry I'm still in Atlantic City with Vincent."
"Oh that's too bad," Evangeline's voice fell a few octaves, and Layla felt a wave of guilt wash over her. Vange needed her and she wasn't there.
"Well are you leaving soon?"
"Don't know, Vincent isn't back yet. Look Vange, you're still at the party right?"
"Yeah, though I don't know if that's what I'd call it…"
"Is Rex or Jessica or Antonio anywhere nearby," Layla plowed on ignoring her sister's words.
"They were here earlier but I think they all left. Why?"
"You sure? Rex isn't there or Bo maybe?"
"Maybe Rex. I thought I saw him a few minutes ago…"
"Vange I need you to look now!"
"Layla what's going on? What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry I called you but I tried everyone else that I could and it's just…I'm still at the cemetery," Layla nibbled her lower lip nervously, "And Natalie just showed up."
"She's back in Atlantic City?" Layla could practically hear her sister frowning over the phone.
"Yes, and Vange, I don't think she's ok."
"Well of course she's not alright. We just buried John. She probably just wants some time alone…"
"No, Vange, I mean it. I think she's lost it."
"You really sound scared," Evangeline's voice seemed suddenly very small.
"I am," Layla whispered.
"Ok I'll find Rex. Just keep an eye on her ok?"
"I will. And Vange?"
"Yeah?"
"Tell Rex to hurry!"
-----
"Where is she? Where's Natalie?" Rex's voice shook with desperation as he ran up behind Layla who sat just behind a group of oak trees, Evangeline, Michael, and Marcie hot on his heels.
"When you said you'd find him I didn't think you'd bring the whole gang?" Layla shook her head incredulously at Evangeline.
"Marcie overheard me relaying your message to Rex and well…"
"We thought we might be able to help," Marcie interrupted.
"Where is she, Layla?" Rex demanded again.
"She over there by John's grave," Layla pointed, Natalie's body a stark black-clad contrast to the browns and greens of the cemetery lawn. "I stayed back here because I didn't know what else to do but I wanted to make sure she didn't do anything."
"You did good," Evangeline gave her sister a brief hug as they raced after Rex.
"You sure she's not hurt?" Marcie glanced franticly from Layla to Michael as she moved her little legs as fast as she could to keep up with the others. "I mean she's on the ground."
"She crawled there herself," Layla replied softly.
"Nattie!" Rex called out but as he neared her he slowed and finally stopped a few feet away. The others soon joined him, the soft sound of Natalie's voice finally reaching their ears.
"Just get up, John. Come on, its time for you to get up." Natalie's voice was barely a whisper, as she turned her lips closer towards the fresh earth. "Please John. I need you to get up now. Please, John, I know you can hear me. Quit messing around, ok? I really need you to get up. Please? I'm not angry, nobody is, but we all need you to wake up, to get up ok? Please for me?"
"Oh Natalie," Marcie's hands were at her mouth.
Rex gave Layla's shoulder a squeeze as if to say 'you did the right thing' as he moved passed her and towards his sister.
"Nattie?" his voice was soft and gentle. He circled her and the grave stone once, to make sure she was alright.
Dirt and leaves were tangled in her hair that haloed out beneath her head. More dirt streaked her cheeks, knees, legs and forearms. Both her arms were curled out into the dirt, her right one partially trapped beneath her body while her left was outstretched hugging the ground. Her left hand kept rubbing the dirt in slow, caressing circles, her fingers buried beneath soil, caking beneath her finger nails.
"Nattie?" Rex tried again, bending over her, one hand on his knee the other touching her shoulder ever so gently.
"Come on, John. You can do it. Just open your eyes and get up, ok?" Natalie turned her face into the dirt.
"Nattie, John's not going to get up, but there are people right here who care a lot about you."
"Please John," Natalie's voice was muffled against the dirt.
"Come on Nattie, you have to stop this. John's not sleeping, he's dead. You know that, remember? I know you're hurting but you have to let him go." Rex looked up desperately at the others.
"No." Her voice was muffled but strong.
"Nattie…" Rex began as the others moved closer.
"John's not dead," Natalie hissed turning her cheek back to the dirt and closing her eyes tight. "He's not dead."
"Yes he is," Rex pressed leaning closer to his sister. "Nattie I understand. I know what you're feeling. After Jen died…"
"This is not like with Jen." Natalie's eyes stayed closed but her voice was growing in strength.
"Natalie," Marcie tried, her voice shaking with emotion.
"This is not the same! Jen's body was there. You saw it! I saw it! We all did! You could hold it in your arms, feel it grow cold, see there was no life left…"
"Natalie, sweetie, I saw John's body…" Michael interrupted.
"It wasn't John's body!" Natalie's body was shaking now, her voice filled with anger but tears were starting to slide down her cheeks mixing with the dry dirt beneath her face. "Just some charred body that was a similar physical type to John's. There should have been a DNA test or dental comparison, because I know that John is not dead!"
"Then why are you laying here?" Evangeline's question caused Natalie to freeze. And for a few moments her eyes opened as if the words had stuck a cord.
"Please John," she started again. "Show them I'm right. Please, just get up. Come back to me."
"Natalie, honey," Michael lay down on the ground across from her so he could look right into her eyes, his body stretched out along the opposite side of the grave mirroring hers. "Don't do this to yourself. John wouldn't want you to."
"Michael's right," Evangeline added, her voice soft, soothing, as she knelt down behind Natalie, her legs folded neatly beneath her. Gently she reached out and began to stroke the younger girl's hair.
"John does that," Natalie whispered, closing her eyes and concentrating on the feel of Evangeline's fingers moving through her hair. "He said it calmed him down, made him feel sane again."
"John loved you very much," Michael joined in, reaching out and taking Natalie's hand in his. Her dirt covered fingers slid easily between his and he rested their hands, entwined, across the very center of the grave. "Even with all the other things he was doing, obsessing over, you were always there in his mind, in his heart."
A sob bubbled out of Natalie's throat and slowly she opened her eyes looking straight into Michael's. "I want him to hold me again. I want to hear his voice, hear him laugh, smell him all around me. I miss him so much." Her voice cracked, as tears began to run down her face again.
"I know," Michael replied quietly squeezing her hand. "I miss him too."
"So do I," Evangeline piped in.
"Then why don't you feel it?" Natalie's eyes bore into Michael's. "I can feel it deep inside. He's not dead."
"He'll never really be dead," Rex tried again.
"No, it's not like that!" Natalie wailed. "Evangeline please," she turned slightly, one eye looking up at the older woman. "You loved John like I did. Like I do. You have to feel it! You have to know."
For a moment Evangeline glanced from Michael to Marcie to Rex afraid to answer. Natalie's eyes were so full of pain, so desperate for validation.
"You have to," she whispered.
"I do," Evangeline finally nodded. "I feel it too."
"Vange," Layla chided.
"No Layla, Natalie's right. I can feel it. It's like a small warmth, like a candle burning in the darkness."
"Yes," Natalie sighed.
"But if John's alive Natalie, where is he?" Marcie paced nervously in front of the grave. "Why are you here asking him to get up?"
"I…don't know..." Natalie murmured. "I don't know." And tears began to wrack her body in hard violent sobs. "I just need him to come back to me. I can't do this alone!"
"You're not alone," Rex hovered, tears glistening in his eyes.
"Yes I am! No one has ever understood me like John does, the way we can just be without having to say anything. He's my best friend! My best friend! How am I supposed to get by without him? How could he just leave me like this? He loves me! Why would he leave me here all alone?"
"Natalie, sweetie," Michael's voice broke with emotion and he crawled forward across the dirt, pulling her up into his arms.
As Michael's arms tightened around her Natalie grief exploded, spilling out in a torrent of tears, her hands curled into tight fists pressed into the center of Michael's shirt. Behind her, tears ran down Evangeline's cheeks as she watched. Rex hugged himself choking on his own frustration, wanting more than anything to take away his sister's pain.
"Marcie, can you get my bag out of the trunk?" Michael called softly to his wife. Marcie nodded and raced off back to the car.
"Shh, Nattie," Rex cried softly, reaching out and stroking his sister's tear-streaked face.
"John!" Natalie's head suddenly snapped to attention and her body grew still. "I can hear him! Michael I can hear him. He's not dead! He's alive! He's trapped in there! John, I'm coming John!" Desperately Natalie began clawing franticly at the dirt beneath her.
"Natalie, honey, look at me," Michael demanded gently, but still she dug at the ground. "Look at me," he repeated his voice harder, more demanding but still she fought him.
"He's alive Michael! Can't you hear him? He's calling my name. We have to help him!" Her eyes turned towards him burning bright and hot.
"John's not in there anymore, Natalie. He's in here," and Michael pressed his hand over Natalie's heart.
"No…" Natalie fought against Michael's words but his eyes caught and held hers and finally with shaking hands she collapsed against his chest again sobbing. "He can't be gone!"
"It's going to be ok, Natalie," Evangeline soothed, her voice shaking as she ran her fingers through the back of Natalie's hair. "You're strong. You'll get through this."
"John's my strength," Natalie moaned between tears. "He's my world. All the times he pushed me away. All the time I wasted fighting him because he couldn't be what I wanted when I wanted it. I was so selfish, so juvenile. I wasted all that time. He saw me at my worst, when I was such a bitch to him, and yet he stayed. He was my constant. Everything with Cris's death, with Paul Kramer, with Cris coming back, John was always there! He saved my life so many times and I was still so damn pushy, so wrapped up in my own issues. I should have been a better friend to him. I should never have given up on us! And after Statesville…" Her voice broke off into more deep sobs. "He deserved so much better. I wasn't good enough! If I had been good enough…I should have gone with him! He shouldn't have died alone! I failed him. He deserved so much more than me."
"Natalie, no," Evangeline cut in.
"Evangeline's right," Michael added. "I know I gave you a hard time for awhile there but I just didn't get you and my brother. You were both so private when you were together I didn't get to see you two in action until after you got back from Thailand, but Natalie, honey, I was wrong. I was so wrong." Michael reached down and cupped Natalie's chin turning her face up towards his. "You were the best thing that could have ever happened to my brother. The absolute best! You saved him, Natalie. You saved him as many times as he saved you. Your love, your friendship saved John a thousand times over and from himself of all people. Without you I think I would have lost my brother for good a long time ago. And he loved you so much. I didn't think that he was capable of love like that but you helped him find it after all those years. You really were his soul mate, and you remember that. Always remember that!"
"I can't say it, Michael. I just can't. If I do he'll be gone forever. I can feel him fading already and I won't let him go!" She was frantic, pushing against Michael's embrace, her eyes roving wildly. "I can't! Please don't make me! John, come back, please just come back! I don't want to have to say goodbye."
"I didn't want to either," Michael whispered against Natalie's hair as he leaned in over her head. "But John wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. He wouldn't want to see any of us giving up on living because of him, for him, least of all you. He once told me how he had never me anyone who knew how to live, really live, like you do, Natalie. It's not really goodbye after all."
Natalie rested quietly in Michael's arms, tears still running down her cheeks, allowing his words to wash over her.
"Michael, let me," Rex kneeled down beside the older man and opened his arms as Marcie returned with Michael's black bag. Gently Michael passed Natalie's crumpled form into Rex's embrace and took the bag from Marcie. Opening it, Michael retrieved a syringe and a small vial of clear liquid which he began to measure out.
"Evangeline?" Natalie's voice was muffled against the fabric of Rex's shirt. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" Evangeline leaned forward, brushing strands of hair out of Natalie's face and tucking them behind her ear.
"For everything. For all the pain I caused you, for all the fights. I was so selfish."
"Water under the bridge, Natalie," Evangeline smiled down at her, as Michael extended Natalie's right arm and pricked her with the syringe. Natalie didn't even flinch. "There is nothing to forgive."
"John really did care for you," Natalie whispered, her eyes staring straight ahead as Michael finally released her arm.
"I know," Evangeline's smiled widened, "But you were the one he was really meant to be with. I think he loved you long before him and I ever got together and I don't think it ever really went away."
"Still I'm sorry." Natalie's voice was hollow and heavy, her eyes half-lidded.
"Well thank you for saying it."
"Natalie, can we take you home?" Michael placed a hand on her back, rubbing gentle circles as he kneeled down in front of her again.
"Not Llanfair," she whispered, her voice thick with sleep.
"Where would you like to go?" Marcie came to stand behind Michael as he reached down and lifted Natalie up into his arms.
The answer came to Natalie without a thought. She'd been resisting it, swearing she could never go back but it was the only place she really belonged.
"John's room. I want to go home."
"I think we can do that," Rex smiled down at his sister.
-----
Natalie leaned back propped awkwardly up against the cold porcelain back of the toilet as Marcie and Evangeline moved all around her. The tranquilizer Michael had given her had carried her into a haze tinged world, where everything seemed to move just a little bit slower and the lights all sported strange foggy halos around them.
"Let's just get you out of these dirty clothes," Marcie smiled up at Natalie as she helped her undress. "Rex brought over a pair of your pajamas so you'll be nice a comfy."
"No," Natalie croaked groggily. "That." She pointed to the back of the bathroom door where a dress shirt of John's hung. It was one of the many black ones he wore all the time.
Retrieving it Marcie turned it over in her hands. "This must have gotten overlooked when this place was packed up. The sleeves are rolled and everything. He must have worn this before…"
Evangeline looked up at Marcie from her spot on the floor where she was helping to wash the dirt off Natalie's legs.
"That morning," Natalie sighed, her head lolling to the side slightly. "Couldn't decide what to wear." She laughed softly and Evangeline smiled.
"Strange to think John could be indecisive about picking out his clothes." Marcie turned the shirt over in her hands.
"All the time," Natalie chuckled. "All the time."
"Well black it is then," Marcie smiled as she helped Natalie into the shirt.
A few minutes later the three women emerged from the bathroom. Michael and Rex had already closed the blinds and turned off the lights in the bedroom, and together the two older women got Natalie settled under the covers.
"We'll be right across the hall if you need anything." Michael stood in the bedroom doorway, his hands on Marcie's shoulders.
"And I'm just a phone call away," Rex added, placing Natalie cell phone down on the bedside table. "I love you, sis," he whispered, kissing her on the forehead. "Anything at all, ok?"
Natalie just nodded. Quietly the group turn to go.
"Evangeline?" Natalie's voice stopped her as she was pulling on her coat.
"You guys go ahead," Evangeline waved as she turned back into the room. "What is it Natalie?"
"Will you stay?"
"Of course," Evangeline smiled, touched by the emotion in Natalie's voice. She sounded like a child begging her mother to keep the monsters under the bed away. How could she refuse such a small, fragile voice.
"You sang so beautifully at the service. Can you sing something, just until I fall asleep?"
"Whatever you want," Evangeline settled down on the edge of the bed.
"John," Natalie whispered.
"I think I can come up with something," Evangeline grinned.
"Thank you," Natalie replied, her eyes closed. "For lying before."
"What do you mean?" Evangeline frowned.
"When I asked you if you felt that John was still alive. I know you lied for me. I'm just so tired of everyone looking at me like I'm crazy."
"Natalie, you and John shared a deep connection. Who am I to say you can't possibly feel what you do. If anyone would feel John's life inside of them it would be you."
"John was always right you know?" Natalie opened her eyes and rolled over to face Evangeline.
"About what?"
"That you and are a lot more alike than either of us want to admit."
"He said that?"
"No, not in words, but he must have seen something. He cared for us both a lot." Natalie smiled slightly.
"Yeah he did," Evangeline smiled back.
"And we both fought pretty hard for him."
"Yeah," Evangeline nodded. "The two of us fighting over a man."
"So clichéd."
"Like a bad movie," Evangeline laughed.
Natalie smiled. "I think he'd want us to be friends. I think I'd like that."
"I think I would too," Evangeline stroked Natalie's hair. "But right now you need to get some sleep."
Natalie smiled softly again, rolling away onto her side as Evangeline began to sing:
It must have been cold there in my shadow, to never have sunlight on your face/ You were content to let me shine, that's your way/ You always walked a step behind/ So, I was the one with all the glory, while you were the one with all the strength/ A beautiful face without a name for so long/ A beautiful smile to hide the pain/ Did you ever know that you're my hero, and everything I would like to be/ I can fly higher than an eagle, because you are the wind beneath my wings…
-----
She could hear music soft and low as she approached the door. The note had been the usual:
N –
On the roof.
- J
Natalie paused, a smile on her face. A man of few words. Her man. Running a hand quickly through her hair and down the back of the black cocktail dress she was wearing she turned the door knob and stepped out onto the roof.
Moonlight show down like white gold, bathing the rooftop in a soft luminous glow. White Christmas lights had been strung all over and candles sat flickering along boxes, tables, and the rooftop ledge. The soft melody of a non-descript cd filled the air with music, and their usual pile of blankets and pillows were arranged on ground.
"What exactly is all this?" Natalie smiled, closing the door behind her.
From the shadows he stepped out into the moonlight, dressed in a white buttoned down shirt and black dress pants. He held a bouquet of white roses in his hand. "Hey," he said softly leaning in and kissing her on the cheek. Awkwardly he handed her the flowers.
"Thank you," she smiled sweetly, stealing a quick kiss on the lips. Stepping back she took the whole scene in. "I know you said to save tonight for us but wow! Flowers! And you're wearing white!" She laughed warmly and he smiled back. "What is all this?"
"You'll see," he winked, taking her hand.
Natalie followed his lead, placing the flowers down on roof ledge, as he pulled her down to the blanket beside him.
"I thought tonight we'd bypass the usual beer and burgers for something a little more special."
"Really?" Natalie raised a curious eyebrow at him, as John pulled out two wine glasses and a bottle from the basket that sat beside the blanket.
"And what do we have to eat?" Natalie leaned towards him.
"Patience," John grinned, as he popped the cork and poured them each a glass.
"Why John McBain, are you trying to get me boozed up?" Natalie teased.
"Well I thought it might improve my odds," he grinned as she leaned in closer to him.
"Of getting lucky?" Natalie feigned shock. "You dirty old man!"
John laughed out loud, a rich deep laugh. "Well if that's what you're offering…"
"Seriously, what is all this," Natalie swatted at him playfully.
"This," John pulled a small velveteen black box from the picnic basket.
Natalie's eyebrows furrowed as she looked from the box up to John.
"I know I'm not always very good at opening up or talking about emotions…"
"John," Natalie's voice was gentle and understanding.
"No, let me finish," he smiled. "But I'm trying to get better, and after everything with my father's case…I just feel like this weight has been lifted and I can finally focus on us."
Natalie smiled broadly.
"Solving my Dad's case, I couldn't have done it without you. You kept me grounded. No matter how hard I've pushed you away you've kept trying with me, and I don't really understand why but well I couldn't have gotten here without you. It's taken me a long time to get here and I'm sorry for that, for a lot of what I've put you through…"
Natalie reached forward and cupped his face in her hands. "You have nothing to apologize for."
"I do, but that's not what's important." John took her hands in his, the box closed within his right palm. "Like I said I'm not very good at this, but well, I've realized something over the last few weeks. I can see a future for me, and it's because of you. You and I, we work so well together. I love that we don't have to speak all the time to understand each other, or that you don't let me get away with anything. You said once that I was your best friend, well I think you've been mine for a long time too. You've changed my world, Natalie, and…"
"And," Natalie tilted her head to the side ever so slightly causing a few strands of red hair to fall into her face. Reaching up John pushed them gently behind her ear.
"And…aw hell," John sighed, pushing himself up onto one knee and opening the box before her. "I love you, Natalie. I have for a long time. I know I'm not the easiest person to love or even be with but if you'll give me the chance I promise I will spend everyday showing you just how much I love you. Will you marry me?"
"Oh John yes," Natalie cried, tears sparkling in her eyes, as she leapt forward throwing her arms around his neck. He hugged her tightly, his lips seeking out hers in a long deep kiss.
Releasing her, John slipped the ring onto her finger, and pulled her to her feet. "I think I still owe you a dance," he whispered.
"Under our stars?" Natalie beamed.
"Under our stars," John chuckled, pulling her body against his as they swayed to the music.
It might have appeared to go unnoticed, but I've got it all here in my heart
I want you to know, I know the truth, of course I know it
I would be nothing without you
Did you ever know that you're my hero…
Later they made love over and over again, soft and slow, under the moonlight. It was like their first night together and John moved deeper within her than ever before, their bodies moving as one, feeling each other, reading each other until they both were too exhausted and satisfied to move. Together they lay naked, wrapped in each other's arms as the early morning breeze dried the sweat from their bodies.
"I love you, Natalie," John whispered against her hair, her head resting in the crook of his neck…
-----
The bedroom was silent and empty, long black shadows stretching lazily across the floor. Evangeline had left. It was just Natalie and the room once more. In her sleep Natalie exhaled softly.
"I love you too, John. Now and forever."
The room heard her, and silently it added her words to the hundreds of memories that they had shared, the last two lonely survivors of everything that had made the space between its four walls a home. A home transformed by loss into a beautifully tragic kingdom.
The End.
--------
© 2006
Special thanks to Manda for the feedback
Ok well that's it… I hope you enjoyed it just the same. Remember, all feedback is welcome of course! It's the only way I'll get any better so feel free to drop me a comment at divine. (Just be sure to say something about "fanfic" in the subject so I don't mistake it for spam! )