Chapter 3: Vigil

Master Splinter had shooed almost everyone out of the infirmary. Only Raphael had been allowed to stay to help dress the wounds.

At that decision Leo had been incensed. He had protested, strongly, but his sensei had only nodded sympathetically and said, "Your brother has already chosen who he wishes to be with him. It is not for me to say otherwise."

So here they were—Leo, Mike, and April—banished to the main den area, not knowing whether Donatello lived or died.

While Mikey had his arm around April's shoulders and was whispering reassuring things to her, Leo paced the floor. He could feel the tension building within his body like he were an old clock whose gears were being wound. The anger, the worry, the sadness, the frustration. And the failure. The overwhelming sense of having failed his family, his clan. If he hadn't failed, Don wouldn't have gotten hurt. Heck, if he hadn't failed, Raph wouldn't have ever gotten to the bad place he obviously now was.

"Leo, you're gonna wear down the floor."

Leo whirled on his heel to face his youngest brother. "This isn't funny, Mike!"

Mike glanced at April then back to Leo, as if in reproach. "Sure isn't," he agreed.

"Why?" Leo fairly yelled. "Why, knowing what Raphael did, has Sensei sent us away and allowed Raph to stay?"

To Leo's further frustration, Mike grinned. "Because," he said evenly, "Don is right. As per usual."

April looked at him, confused. "Say what?"

"Things can't go on like they've been going on. Something had to give, so Donny gave himself." Mikey kissed April's forehead. "Kinda noble if a bit melodramatic … but effective. Sure snapped us all to attention, didn't it?"

Both April and Leonardo seemed unconvinced, but Leo stopped pacing and sat on the couch with the other two. Mike nodded to himself, satisfied at this small victory. He knew Don was right; he just hoped his stupid older brothers weren't too pig-headed to see that too. And he hoped that Don's little lesson didn't end up costing him his life.

---

"Master, if Donny dies—"

"I do not think Donatello will die. Someday, yes, but not today."

"If Donny dies, I won't never forgive myself."

The rat looked up from his unconscious son to his conscious son. He had felt a stab of raw anger when he first learned of what had transpired, but now, gazing upon Raphael's tortured face, he could feel nothing but love and worry. For both his wounded sons.

"Raphael, I understand you feel very badly," Splinter began, then stopped at the look on his red-masked son's face.

Raph began shaking his head violently. "No, Sensei, you weren't there." His eyes moved to the bed, where his brother's prone body lay motionless. "You didn't see his eyes, Sensei."

"His eyes?" Splinter was truly confused now.

"Yeah … " It was a moment before Raph looked back up. "He never looked at me like he was angry. Or disappointed. Or anything like that."

Splinter rested a hand on Raphael's shoulder. But when Raph didn't continue, Splinter asked, "With what expression, then, did Donatello look at you?"

Raph broke down. The tears that had threatened earlier now came, as he buried his wet face in the soft familiar fur of the hand that his father still had on his shoulder. "It was forgiveness, Sensei. Even before—well, you know. Even before anything had happened, he'd forgiven me. I could just tell." Raph turned to face his master, and Splinter took this chance to embrace his son in a full hug. Raph allowed it for the briefest of moments before pulling away. "Right before he passed out, the last thing he said … the poor bastard said he loved me."

Splinter swallowed hard. Tears pricked at his own eyes, but he tried to keep his voice steady, for Raphael's sake, as he spoke. "He does love you. He loves you very much." The old rat's grip on his son's shoulder tightened, just a bit. "As do I, Raphael. Remember that."

---

"I will never forgive you if you die on me." April glared down at Donatello's still form, hoping that he'd heard and that he'd believed her. She wasn't sure she meant it, but if saying it somehow kept him alive, she didn't care if it was a lie.

She had insisted on taking her share of watches over the injured patient, though it had been a tough battle. At first Raphael had demanded that he alone be the one to keep watch over Don. Undoubtedly some kind of guilty atonement thing. But everyone had quickly rejected this idea, Leo most strenuously of all. "Raphael, you must not be selfish," Splinter had gently chided.

"Selfish? But Master!"

Splinter had given Raph a pointed look then. "Donatello has three brothers, not one, and all three love him very much and are very concerned about him." At that, Raphael had nodded, understanding.

Of course, Splinter had been somewhat wrong. Donatello did have three very worried brothers, but he also had a very worried rat father and a very worried human best friend as well. They too deserved their turn to watch and wait and worry, and she'd gotten her turn.

It was quiet in the lair. The stress and emotion of everything had gotten to the lair's younger residents, and they'd gone to their respective bedrooms hours ago. She didn't know if any of them actually slept. Splinter almost surely remained awake. She guessed that he was in his room and praying for Don's welfare, but she didn't know for certain.

She touched the hand of the pale, unconscious turtle before her. "You promised, Donny. You promised to never leave me."

Don made not a sound. But, staring hard at him with worry and a touch of desperation, April noticed that he'd begun to shiver. That made sense. Even though the turtles and Splinter had rigged up a rudimentary heating system for the lair, it still remained quite chilly down here in the sewers. Especially at night.

Without thinking, April pulled back the bed covers and slid her legs under. She nestled against his uninjured side and pulled the covers back up. His skin felt uncomfortably clammy against hers for a bit, then her warm-blooded body started to warm his cold-blooded one. She put her arm across his chest, careful to avoid his wounded lower abdomen, and felt her eyelids grow heavy. By the time she drifted off to sleep, Donatello had stopped shivering.

---

With great stealth and trepidation Leonardo approached the infirmary. He had volunteered for the early morning shift, as he knew his two late-sleeping brothers would not want it. As he stepped into the room, he raised an eye ridge in surprise. April had fallen asleep too. In the same bed as Don. Interesting. In a flash, a dozen possibilities crossed Leo's mind, but he quickly shoved them all to the back of his mind.

Not. His. Business.

Besides, Don was in no shape for anything … untoward …

Shaking his head to free it of any such thoughts, Leo moved to a chair by the wall and took a seat. Though April's watch was technically over now, he didn't have the heart to wake her. She looked quite peaceful, he had to admit. So did Don, actually. Leo decided to tell Mikey, who had next shift, to not wake them either.

He studied Don's face. Don looked better than he had earlier but was still too pale for Leo's liking. Leo felt his jaw tighten and his thoughts wander. He could hear it, hear the sound of his brother's sai pierce his other brother's plastron. It was a terrible and soft noise, and he could hear it even now in the dark. Anger flared as he remembered. How stupid of Raph. How careless. But then the anger turned inward, as he remembered how he himself could have but did not stop the sudden attack. How stupid of Leo. How careless.

But anger was not what would help Donatello now, Leo reminded himself. He could not help thinking, for the umpteenth time that evening, of what Donny had said would help. And of what Donny had told Raph: "Raph, I love you." Leo fervently hoped that these would not be the last words Don ever spoke. He also could not help marveling at the words themselves. Even as Don fell to the floor, Raph's sai sunk deep into his body, good old Don still had it in him to say he loved Raphael. To forgive Raphael.

Maybe Mike was right, Leo realized. Something had to give. And, perhaps, to give—perhaps even to forgive—was not weakness, but strength.

---

"Hey."

Leonardo's head snapped up. Mikey stood uncertainly in the doorway to the infirmary. For a second Leo stared at him in confusion. "Was I asleep?" Leo finally whispered, mindful of his sleeping charges.

Mikey smiled at that. "Sure were, bro."

"Damn. I can't believe I did that."

"It's okay, Leo. You've been up all night. You can only give so much, y'know?"

Leo looked over at the bed where Don and April slept. "I know," he said, and Mikey nodded at the multi-textured meaning of this admission. Leo stood and stretched his stiff limbs. "Do me a favor, Mike? Let April keep sleeping for a while longer. I think—I think it's good for Don. To, you know, have the extra warmth."

Mike gave Leo a brief hug before taking the chair Leo had previously occupied. "It's probably good for April too," he said. Leo cocked his head, puzzled, but didn't comment further as he left the infirmary.

With Leo gone, Mikey let out a loud sigh. It had been a long night. Actually, it had been a long year. The deaths of Casey and Shadow had plunged the entire family into … something. Mike couldn't quite find the right description for it. It wasn't depression, not exactly despair. If Donny was awake, I bet he'd know the right word. The thought only depressed Mike further. But whatever the right word for it was, it had been slowly straining all of them to their limits. Probably none of them were handling the deaths well, but Leo and Raph especially weren't. They were just both too stubborn, too insistent on keeping their true feelings bottled up.

But on the other hand, he knew all four of the turtles did that. Leo hid behind his obsessive training. Raph hid behind his rage. But Mike himself? Mike hid behind his jokes and his laughter. "And you," Mikey whispered to his unconscious brother, "hide behind your damn computer screen."

He sighed again. Though things looked dark, Mike knew that after darkness came the dawn of a new morning. A new beginning. Even though he was older now and maybe even wiser, he still clung to his optimism. Without hope, there was nothing, and there was still hope for Donatello. Mike was sure of this as he watched the steady rise and fall of Don's chest. And Mike was sure that what had happened earlier had woken up both Leo and Raph. They couldn't hide from this, not even if they wanted to.

And neither could he, Mike added silently. His jokes hadn't worked, hadn't helped his family to heal, so it was time for something else now. He just had to figure out what that "something else" would be.

As he glanced over at April, he allowed himself a small smile. Her breathing was slow and steady, like Don's, and she looked so peaceful and content with her head nestled against Don's shoulder. She looked like she belonged there. She did belong there. Of this Mikey also felt sure, and he chuckled softly.

"Yes indeed, Mr. Hamato Donatello, it is time for you too to stop hiding from what you feel. And I'm here to make sure you do just that," he said, though he knew neither sleeping person could hear. "So hurry and wake up, Donny. Please."

---

He'd never been fond of meditation. It went against all of his natural instincts to remain so quiet and still for long periods of time. But Splinter had felt it would be good for him, and Raphael could not refuse the old rat. Not right now. Not after—

No! Stop thinking. Meditation is supposed to empty the mind. So he tried again. But as he let out a long breath, trying to let go, other thoughts just filtered back in. Mikey … a lead pipe … Mikey taunting … Leo grabbing his arm …

"Raph?"

Oh man, speak of the devil. Leo. Raph opened his eyes and glanced towards the door. He opened his mouth then shut it. He wanted nothing more than to tell his older brother where to stick it, because he was in no mood for a lecture. But maybe the meditation had helped, because Raph instead found himself saying, "Yeah, Leo?"

Leo took this as an invitation and entered the room. Raph didn't dare look up, for fear of what he would see in Leonardo's eyes. Anger? Blame? Hate? Raph knew he deserved all that, and more, but he didn't want to deal with it. Not with Leo.

Leo sat across from Raphael and in a similar meditating position. Finally Raph looked up, and he blinked in surprise. Leo's eyes were filled with unshed tears. In the candle light those eyes shone like ocean waves.

"Leo?" Raph could barely whisper the name, he felt so afraid and unsure. Why was Leo here? What did he want?

"Raph," Leo began, then stopped. He lowered his head, as if in shame, further confusing Raphael. When Leo lifted his head again, a tear slipped down his cheek. "Raph, I love you."

Same words, different brother. Raph stopped breathing. A trick? Leo's eyes said no, not a trick. The small amount of composure Raphael had managed to find during his hours meditating was suddenly blown apart. For the first time since he'd stabbed Donatello, Raph began openly weeping. The tears streamed down his face at such a furious pace that his vision went blurry. Suddenly a pair of arms went around his shoulders, and Raph was too far gone to shrug them off.

"Raph, I love you," Leo whispered, his voice so soft that it was almost just a breath in the air. "It's going to be okay."

"I'm sorry!"

"It's going to be okay."

"Leo, I'm so sorry."

"I know." Leo hugged his brother close, feeling his own tears begin to fall.

"Dammit, Leo, why am I like this? Why am I broken?"

Another voice spoke then: "We're all broken." They both looked up. Mike stood at the door, his shoulder resting against the doorframe, where Leo had stood just moments before. "Heard you two all the way from the infirmary. Wonder you didn't wake up Donny and April." Mike walked over and dropped to his knees, pulling both his brothers into his arms.

They sat like that in silence for several minutes. Finally Mike broke the silence. "Maybe," he mused, feeling his own eyes grow watery, "together we can fit the broken pieces together, y'know?"

"That's pretty deep, Mikey." Raph laughed through his tears. "You been watching Oprah again?"

But Mike just smiled. His brothers had woken up, he could see it. And that must mean the dawn had finally arrived.

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Author's Notes: Again, thank you for the unexpected but enthusiastic response. Regarding Raphael's very extreme action, I am hoping to address it further in upcoming chapters. Perhaps this will answer some questions about the exact state of poor Raph's mind and motivations.