Heya guys! Sorry for the wait, but school calls and plus, this story is so hard to write because of all the emotion that it has in it but I think I have it nailed now! Well, hopefully :)
This chapters one of the longest chapters I've written yet, and I loved it! I couldn't stop writing :)
Anyhow, I hope you enjoy reading it!
Oh and I do not own these characters, only the plot :)
Clary's pov
I don't know what's wrong with me. The once happy thoughts that entered my mind have now disappeared and have been replaced with vicious, haunting thoughts. My once fierce, fiery spirit has now crumbled into sand like particles and blown away with the wind, leaving behind a scared, lifeless spirit. My mother had tried talking to me and provided me with support and comfort where needed, but I didn't want it; sure I needed it but whenever she offered a hand of support my body would retreat and my mind twist into fear. The councillor that had come to visit me so many times would speak to me about what happened and once told me that the memories of the events from that night were blocking my recovery, and tearing strips away from me and will do until it has stripped me down so much that the old me would have vanished into fin air. She also told me that recovery is a must to overcome this ordeal that I have suffered…but as much as I tried to forget, the fear always seems to lurk in the shadows, preventing my mind and body to recover.
During my stay at the hospital, I was left to dwell in my thoughts and memories as the nurses and doctors rush to and from a patient to another. I would usually have a nurse come and check on me every so often but my stepfather, Luke assured them I was fine and didn't then need howdy me all the time. It had gotten to the point where I felt suffocated from the noise and commotion, I couldn't handle the fact people had to push and prodded me with pins and needles whenever I have 'one of my moments;' so Luke made a decision any father would make if their daughter was in that sort of state, he got me out of there.
"Ready to go, love?" Mom asked, picking up one of my bags that sat on the still raffled up hospital bed.
"As I'll ever be," I coughed out picking up my other bag.
"Now, I'll warn you now. There are a few people out there that you'll have to pass. Are you fine with that?" Mom asked concern written across her face as it had for the past week now.
I shrugged. "I'll have to be, won't I?" I commented. I knew I had to do it, I had done it before and I could do it again. Couldn't I?
Following close behind, I made sure I stayed close to mom, shadowing her slightly larger frame with my small, frail one. The crowd was larger today as people rushed back and forth helping the wounded that were involved in the bank shooting earlier today. The city seemed like the darkness was slowly swallowing it up, turning the once family filled environment into a haunted nightmare.
Since I was small, I could dodge around the unwanted figures, heading to the exit with swift motions. Once outside, I breathed in the clean air and headed hastily to the car, wanting to be away from the hospital as soon as possible because once I was out of here, maybe I could push what happened away.
Once home, I rushed inside and into the warmth and safety of my home. When I got inside, I was hit with the smell of baking that twirled through the room from the kitchen. The smell caused my stomach to growl, wanting the food that it wasn't getting. I must admit, my food intake had reduced since before that night; I've tried to eat but whatever I tried to consume my mind seemed to disagree with and refused to eat any longer. My parents and doctor thinks my eating disorder will get better overtime but they won't know until that time has passed. Ever since my eating disorder was confirmed, mom had been trying to get me to eat whatever she could get her hands on. It's not that I'm willing to not let myself eat, I try to but to be honest not eating seems to help with the ugliness and uneasiness that was held within me.
"Darling, you're home," I heard an old, frail voice say. Glancing up to where the voice came from, I watched as my grandmas' old frame made its way slowly out of the kitchen. I looked closely at her and noticed how old she had gotten since the last time I had seen her which was way before the last Christmas. Her once straight frame was now bent and frail, her green eyes had gotten lighter; and her skin had gotten even paler. "How are you?" She asked smiling at me as she handed me a plate of homemade choc-chip cookies. "Jocelyn says you haven't been eating…"
"Mom," I heard mom but in from behind me with Luke following neatly behind. "I told you not to say anything."
"And I said I didn't care what you say, I was going to talk to her," Grandma stated placing her hands firmly on her hips showing she wouldn't give up on this. Rolling her eyes, mom walked silently to the kitchen, before grandma turned to me. "Now, you need to eat up you hear?"
Running my hands through my hair, I looked around for an exit. I had already been given this talk, I didn't need it again. "I'm not that hungry. Maybe later," I said lamely, biting my lip.
"Darling you need to eat something," grandma states in a disapproving voice.
Raising an eyebrow, I placed the plate on the armrest of the sofa. "I'm really not hungry," I confirmed.
Touching my cheek with a frail hand she seemed to expect me to be comfortable with her touch but I wasn't. I flinched away from her touch, stepping further away from her. She narrowed her eyes at me trying to see what I was playing at. Mom was nothing like grandma, she was more like her father and thank goodness for that because even though grandma seemed nice and innocent, she really wasn't. "I know you've been through a lot with the bus incident and all, but you can't let this thing you're doing to yourself carry on. It's not fair on your mom, Luke or the people who truly cares about you."
"Ok," I said, rolling my eyes. "Why don't you do us all a favour for once and stop putting your nose in everyone else's business."
She looked mortified, but anger sounded in her voice. "That's no way to speak to your grandma!" she said disapprovingly.
"Well just stop just…" I said, wanting to get away from this. "Stop thinking you know everything when you don't…"
"What's going on here?" Luke asked, looking between us as he walked back into the room.
"Clary here is a brat. Just because she's suffered something she thinks it's alright to speak to others in a disrespectful manner," she stated, looking down her nose at me.
Anger seemed to run through me like lightening striking sand. I felt like pulling on my hair and screaming at the disbelief my grandma held. "Leave her be Madeleine," Luke's voice was harsh and rough.
"Not when she acts like this," she stated, narrowing her eyes at Luke.
Groaning, frustration took hold of me. "You know what?" I yelled, "Think what you like. I don't care anymore…"
"Clary…" Luke started, but I stopped him in his tracks. "It's alright. I just want to go to my room," I whispered, before heading hastily out of the room and up into my bedroom.
The night soon fell, summoning shadows to dance against my walls as the trees outside my bedroom window blew in the gentle night breeze. I took it upon myself to get my mind off everything and search the web but that only helped for a moment before I came across a news article about that night.
The bus ride from hell
By Nina Crows
'On the 7th of May, seven people on a bus were taken hostage by two men in masks that held them at gun point. It was said that these masked men were escaping the police after they robbed a bank on Worth Street. During this bus ride from hell, it has been confirmed that a girl that can't be named was sexually assaulted.' My breath seemed to catch as my eyes let out silent tears- 'by one of these masked men just before one of the hostages was shot down and killed instantly. It has been confirmed that the man that was killed was award-winner writer John Kerr, who wrote 'Ever too far.' After Kerr was shot, the bus driver took it under his wing to end this nightmare by crashing the bus into a building. The crash was fatal for the driver as he later died in hospital, but the other hostages made it out with only a few bruises and cuts.
The police have now confirmed that one of the masked men went missing after the crash. This man is dangerous and it said to have some sort of injury, so if you have suspension or know anything about that night, please contact 911…' Throwing my laptop away onto my bed, I collapsed beside it breathing fast and unevenly. What if it was him that was missing?
Knock, knock; knock. The door opened silently and mom popped her head in. "I heard about what mom said, I'm sorry," she said with an innocent smile plastered on her face. "Can I come in?"
I just nodded as I rested my arm across my forehead. She moved silently and sat beside me on my bed, careful not to touch me. "You do realise you shouldn't listen to anything she says. I think she's getting crazier every wakening moment," she laughed at herself.
Lifting my arm off my forehead, I looked across at her, the moonlight shining off her bright red hair. "She's right you know?" I stated.
Lifting an eyebrow, she lifted herself and placed a foot under her. "Right about what exactly?" She asked.
"All this. It isn't fair on you and Luke," I whispered glancing over to the shadows that played tricks with my eyes.
"What isn't fair is what happened to you, honey," she whispered, twisting her paint covered shirt in her small, motherly hands.
"I don't really want to talk about it," I murmured, placing my arm back on my forehead.
"You need to sweetie," she said softly, placing her hand on my arm that rested against my forehead. The touch took me off guard causing a small shriek to escape my mouth as I flinched away from her touch. "See baby. You can't ever let me touch you anymore."
Sitting up, I backed myself up so my back was against the corner of the room. Pulling my legs up, I wrapped my arms tightly around them and placed my forehead on my knees. "I'm sorry," I whispered shaking my head. "I'm trying…"
"Baby just talk to me about it," she begged.
"I can't," I whispered, a tear slowly rolled down my cheek.
"Please…try baby," she begged again.
Glancing up at my mom, I saw the same concern that shadowed her green eyes ever since she had found out what had happened to me. "I… I just want to forget what happened," I whispered, wiping away the tears that had begun to strain my cheeks.
Shaking her head, she gave me a soft smile. "What your feeling won't go away unless you deal with it now," she said softly.
Staring up at the ceiling, I let my tears fall. "It will never end… The nightmares and memories won't stop. They won't stop haunting me until I give in to the fact that I'm damaged and broken. I can never be fixed," I sobbed.
"What you talking about?" she said, a sob entering her own voice.
"What he did to me…" I cried out remembering his rough hands on me, like I was toy. His bare hands against my legs as he forced me still, staring me down with his hunger filled eyes. His eyes… His eyes haunt my sleep and tear away anything safe and happy that would surface. His eyes were the last thing I saw before pain tore through me as he treated me like a rag doll…
"Oh baby. No, you are not broken. I promise you you're not," she assured me, stopping her urge to come over and hug me.
"How come I feel broken then?" I asked my voice croaky as I tightened my hold on my legs.
"Because darling, somewhere during that night the light I use to see all the time had gone missing and now it's your mission to get it back," she smiled.
"What if I can never get it back?" I asked, wiping my tears.
"You will," she assured me, before glaring down at her watch. "It's late; you should come down for your tea."
Smiling slightly, I lay down and crawled into a ball. "It's been a long day; I just want to rest if that's ok?"
"Ok baby," mom said, standing up. "I'll put your tea in the oven for later."
"Thanks mom," I said, curling into a tighter ball. I felt mom slide a blanket over my frame, her fingers slightly skimming my arm; I held back a shiver. The last thing I heard was her soft footsteps walking off in the distance.
Jocelyn's pov
I watched her sleeping form as she tossed and turned in her sleep, another nightmare. I wish I could just go over to her and hold her like I have wanted to do all along. I lent my head against her door frame as I had done so many times before ever since she was young.
I felt strong arms wrap around my shoulders, bringing me gently to a solid chest. "She will be alright," Luke assured me.
"I hope so," I whispered, afraid that if I spoke any louder I'd wake Clary from her much needed sleep.
"She will," Luke said in a comforting tone. "She just needs time."
"I just feel so…useless. She won't even let me help her," I whispered, grabbing hold of his arms and squeezing slightly.
"She knows you're here for her," he assured me, watching Clary as she slept.
"That's not enough though," I stated, moving out of his gasp. I needed to help her more than I was doing now, but how? I started walking, thinking of my plan of attack.
"She has to help herself Jocelyn. She needs to overcome this herself," Luke said to me as he followed me in my mindless wonder. "You know that more than I do."
Stopping in my tracks, I turned back to look at Luke questionably. "She's not coping!" I said, turning back and heading down the stairs in silent footsteps. "My own daughter won't even let me touch her, for goodness sakes! Am I supposed to sit back and do nothing as my baby drifts further away from me?"
"Ok course not," Luke said, catching up to me. "You just need to give her time."
"I've given it time, Luke. It's been weeks!" I said, finally reaching the kitchen. I placed myself at the kitchen table and rested my cheek against the palm of my hand. I shook my head. "I know I should be patient with her but it kills me to see her like this. Like when I was up there talking to her earlier this evening, tears wouldn't leave her precious green eyes not even once! She used to be so…"
Before finishing my sentence, Luke butted in. "She is strong," Luke said firmly. "This…thing has just gotten hold of her and she's lost. She's lost herself but she'll find herself…Our little girl will find herself."
Smiling up at him, I got up from my place and trotted over to where he had placed himself. Sitting down on his empty lap, I placed a soft kiss on his temple. "Yes, she is." I said softly, "Our girl."
Clary's pov
I tossed and turned until I was heaved from my nightmare into reality. The shadows from the moonlight still seemed to trick my eyes as they danced across my walls. Glaring over to the clock on my bedside table, I groaned; 12:45am. 'Great,' I thought to myself. 'I can't even have a full nights rest.' Glancing back at the clock, I narrowed my eyes at the ruffed up piece of paper that lay beside it. Picking it up, I unravelled it to find a number. Not just any number, but Jace's number.
Not wanting to go to sleep again, afraid of the eyes that lurk behind my closed eyelids, I picked up my phone, hoping like me he couldn't sleep as well.
It's Clary. I hope I don't wake you, that is if you are asleep? ~C
Placing my phone back down on my bedside table, I glared up at the ceiling recalling the nightmare that moments' ago made my heart race. In the dream, I was in a dark, gloomy room sitting in the far corner as the walls melted around me like fire shredding away the walls of a safe haven to reveal dark, haunting eyes. Eyes peered at me from all angles, threatening me with their hungry stares…
I was shaken from my thoughts by a loud beep that sounded on my bedside table. Glancing over, I reached over and grabbed my phone.
Nope, I'm awake. In fact, I was just thinking about you. ~J
'Thinking about me? Why on earth would he be thinking about me?' I thought, because typing back.
Why are you thinking about me? Should I be worried? ~C
About to set my phone back down, my phone beeped again. 'That was fast,' I thought.
Not at all ;) It's been a while since I've heard from you. I was wondering how you were doing? ~J
I'm fine. I lied. How have you been? ~C
Beep. Don't lie. I know you're not fine. ~J
And what makes you think I'm lying? ~C
Beep. Because if I'm not dealing with it, there's a good chance you aren't either. ~J
You're not coping? ~C
Beep. I try to cope, you know? Try act like what happened all those weeks ago didn't affect me. I try to move forward but whenever I try, that imagine of that man and the gun… Urgh… can I see you? ~J
He was going through something so similar to what I was, and he was trying to reach out and get help…but how could I help someone when I can't help myself?
I started to reply but before I could, my phone sounded again. Just to talk. ~J
I thought back to the expression my mom had on her face earlier this evening. She really did hate what was happening to me. I needed to take a step, even if it was a small one… When? ~C
Beep. Now? I could come over. I know it's late but I can't sleep and neither can you it seems. ~J
It's too dangerous out to come all this way, and you don't even know where I live. ~C I typed fast.
Beep. I can drive. ~J
Breathing steadily, I texted back my address and telling him what window to climb up to. I don't know what I was doing but something felt right about agreeing to talk to him, like some sort of peace has hovered down on top of me.
Beep. See you soon.
How was it? Could you feel Clary's pain?
Review and tell me what you think please!
Since I loved writing this chapter, I might update quite soon :) Hopefully before my stupid school exams :/
Ex oh ex