Rating: PG

Warnings: Brief mention of drug use

Song Featured: "If I Was The One" from the movie Center Stage

Disclaimer: RENT is the sole property of Jonathan Larson. Also, the song "If I Was The One" is the sole property of its writer(s).

He can hear them screaming at each other again.

"You have no idea what my life is like!"

"So that gives you the right to walk out again?"

"No! You being a junkie and not giving a damn about anyone but yourself gives me the right to walk out!"

He winces at the harshness of the words. He can hear her crying again as the door slams and heavy footsteps echo down the stairs.

I see the way he treats you

And I feel the tears you cried

And it makes me sad and it makes me mad

She comes up to see him. Her cheeks are stained with tears and streaked with mascara. She still looks beautiful to him. He opens the door and pulls her into a hug. She cries into his chest.

"Why can't he just love me?" she whispers.

He doesn't know how to answer. He just wishes there was some way to take away her pain.

There's nothing I can do, baby

'Cause your lover is my best friend

And I guess that's where the story ends

He bites his tongue when Roger talks to him about it.

"I know she doesn't believe it, but I do love her, Mark. I do. I just can't watch her ruin herself."

He doesn't want to believe him, doesn't want to sympathize with him. But then he sees the tears in Roger's eyes.

So I've gotta try to keep it inside

You will never be, never be mine

At night, he lies in bed and tries in vain to keep his mind from wandering to her. It's not just lust. It's not just that he wants to kiss those lips, run his hands through that hair. That's not all. He wants all of her. He wants the good and the bad. He can't help but think he's better for her than Roger. After all, he's more patient, more understanding…he wouldn't fight with her so much. He wouldn't hurt her, wouldn't walk out and leave her to cry herself to sleep.

If I was the one who was loving you, baby

The only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy

And if I was by your side, you'd never know one lonely night

And if it was my arms you were running to,

I'd give you love in these arms of mine

If I was the one in your life

"Okay, if you could have one wish, what would it be?" she asks.

He lets the others answer first.

"Money," Maureen laughs.

"Recording contract," Roger says.

"Cure," Collins says.

Joanne shrugs. "Money'd be nice, but I'd probably agree with Collins. Cure."

He hopes they don't notice that he hasn't answered. She looks at him expectantly. "Well, Mark?"

If I could have just one wish

I'd wish that you were mine

I would hold you near, kiss away those tears

I'd be so good to you baby

He avoids looking at her. She's curled up in Roger's lap. Roger's hands are tangled in her hair, twirling wisps of it around his fingers. He fakes a yawn and excuses himself to bed. They say goodnight and he slips into his room.

A few hours later, he's still lying awake. He can hear them move into Roger's room. She giggles and he hushes her. He swears he can feel his heart breaking in time to the squeak of the bedsprings.

You're the one I want next to me, but I guess that's just not meant to me

He's there in your life and sharing your nights

It'll never be, never be right

He wakes in the morning, alone still. He hears her in the kitchen and wishes she was in the bed beside him, wishes that she'd just see how much he cares. He rolls over and buries his face into the pillows, fighting the urge to go in there. If he goes in there, he may not be able to resist the urge to scream at Roger that he doesn't deserve her. Even worse, he may not be able to stop himself from telling her how he feels.

I wanna reach out and have you beside me, right here beside me, babe

Take you in my arms right there

Scream 'I love you' right out loud

She comes to him again a week later, crying again. They've been fighting again. He pulls her into his arms. Maybe he should say it, maybe he should tell her. Maybe she'd see then that she deserves more than what Roger's giving her. That she could be happy with him, happier than she is with Roger. He wishes he could do that, but knows he won't. If he says it, she could laugh. She could walk out. She could disappear from his life forever. He'd rather suffer each day seeing her with Roger than not have her in his life at all.

Someday I pray that I'll find the strength to turn to you and say

If I was the one who was loving you, baby.
The only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy.
And if I was by your side, you'll never know one lonely night
And if it was my arms you were running to, I'd give you love in these arms of mine.
If I was the one in your life.