To Whom It May Concern

by duffshel

Sequel to Poisonous Fear. There’s evil once again in the city of sin. Whatever happens in Vegas…might just kill ya. Now Complete!

30. Chapter 30

Summary: There's evil once again in the city of sin. Whatever happens in Vegas…might just kill ya.

Timeline: Sequel to Poisonous Fear (recommended that one is read first), Early/Mid Season Six

Spoilers: Grave Danger, Bodies in Motion, Shooting Stars, Gum Drops, Daddy's Little Girl, several references to other episodes

Disclaimer: This is all written in fun. Everything CSI is not mine and never will be. It belongs to the creative talent of the actors, the writers, the directors, and the producers. I am not making any money off of this. Only meant to offer something new on something already so great. No reason to sue.

Title: To Whom It May Concern

By: duffshel

Chapter 30:

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Present…

Nick put his pen down softly on the paper. His breathing was the only sound that filled his ears. Warrick had fallen asleep on the edge of his bed, his long body almost falling to the floor from the odd position he had shifting into. But he was there and that's all the mattered.

It was over. He had gotten through something he was sure would have killed him. Nick had written down one of the worst things locked up inside of his head. There were plenty of others, but this was the only one he was forced to do. So, that's all he was going to do.

Along the way he had mentioned various other things, brought up plenty of other unresolved issues. But he wasn't going to look at those right now. Those were for other days, other nightmares. His plate was full enough with the dreams of the dark and the cold. Tenner had made the Texan come to fear both, though he was working on them. It wouldn't last forever.

He ran his hands through his hair, pulling several strands tight against their roots. Looking down at his right shoulder, he couldn't help, but to think of the phantom pain that remained there. Nick would forever know when it was going to rain or if the temperature was going to go through a really big shift. His pain would let him know without hesitation. It was a curse that he would get used to, like all the rest.

His eyes burned, his muscles ached. Nick wanted nothing more than to forget and sleep. This notebook wouldn't be analyzed for a few more days. He had time to let it all soak in. To possibly rip it all apart and pretend it had never happened. But he knew Warrick would never let him do such a thing.

Nick looked over at his friend, smiling slightly. They had things they were still trying to get past, work through. Lots of things had come out between them about what had been going on over the past months. Each had enough guilt to fill the status quo for the world. Nick still couldn't apologize enough for allowing Tenner to force him to shoot Warrick. And Warrick just couldn't ask for enough forgiveness for everything. It was a losing battle for each of them.

Their friendship was a little more forced than ever. It had its moments of uncomfortable silences, but it was never to the point where one wanted to walk away. Nick knew deeply that he needed his friendship with Warrick. If it weren't for the other man, he would be dead several times over. And it wasn't just for that either, physically he meant. Warrick helped him from dying emotionally as well. He knew his friend would be there for him always.

Everyone in the lab walked around them like they were made of some sort of glass. It was still going on, not quite to the same degrees, but it was still there. They were all making changes in how they lived, worked, and even played with each other. It was never going to be the same, but Nick really hoped something similar would be able to come out.

The time he had spent in the hospital was uncertain at most. He had been in and out of it for some long, drugged up and just exhausted. All he could really remember clearly was the last day when they let him leave. It wasn't as happy as it should have been. More of just a relief to be heading home.

But that was when he learned of his newest fear, that of the dark. For some reason it hadn't been a problem while he had been in the hospital for all that time. Now that he was home, the place that had twice before been violated, Nick wasn't able to keep himself strong when he was alone. Lights were his saviors now.

Rotating his neck with a sigh, Nick got up from his chair and quickly walked towards his door. He looked down at the small world the green frog lived in. She really didn't scare him like she should have. Nick would have thought seeing her would bring it all back, but it really didn't. Having the frog with him was more help than he could have anyone else understand.

Warrick didn't move as the Texan walked out the room and into the hallway. The lights were still on in the main rooms, bright as ever. It was something of a norm now, no matter how bright the sun was outside the windows.

He felt sore and tired. It was an annoying feeling, one he never was going to let himself get used to. Nick would fight it off better when he was allowed back to work he knew, but for now, it was just something to ignore.

Stopping in the area between his living room and his kitchen, Nick looked around, his eyes crinkled up a little. There had been some reason for him to come out here, but he couldn't seem to be able to recall what that was. His head cocked to the side a little as his brain tried to figure it all out. He didn't like to lose his thoughts anymore. It was too much like what happened with the cold.

Shaking it off, Nick turned and left the area. His hand brushed along the wall, feeling for the light switches. Nick held his breath as he lowered all the small latches. The rooms around him fell into darkness, leaving only the light coming from his bedroom down the hall. It was one of his tests. One of the things he was doing to himself to get over this.

Normally, his hands would sweat and he'd panic a little. But now, he just stood there, looking down the hallway. He could see light, but didn't feel the complete urge to run and bury himself in its arms of protection. Nick simply stood there.

He knew this was a good thing and should be excited about the fact. But it wasn't all the big of a deal. One learned not to be afraid of the dark when they were kids. Children learned quickly that their parents wouldn't come for every bad thing in the closet or under the bed. Darkness was ignored and eventually beaten.

Now, it was his turn to learn it again. Nick blinked his eyes slowly and took measured steps on the carpet leading to his bedroom. Relief and relaxation came over him as he moved along. His body craved his bed and he was more than willing to shove Warrick to the floor is he had to.

Some demons would be there forever, but Nick would hold his head high and face them. He wore his marks, his scars with some pride, some humiliation. All the tests that he had gone through were nothing, but large pot holes in the road. Nick knew he'd be alright in the end. He had to be.

Nick stepping out of the hallway into his bedroom. He doused the room in completely darkness. And for once, he slept without fear.

!#$&()+!#$&()+!#$&()+

I still can't believe I did this. It is more of a surprise than I was ever expecting. I'm still not too certain that I'm not going to burn this before too long.

But, maybe not.

Things are not too clear to me anymore. I'm beginning to wonder if I've ever had a firm grip on things in my life. I went from a large family to another one, where I really was treated as the youngest, the most vulnerable. It's hard to say anymore.

All I know is I've held a gun to my head twice now in my life. And it's not something I really recommend for people to do. Guns always make me nervous, ever since that first one waving in my face. But it's always different when it's your own hand doing the holding.

My wounds have healed the best they can. I have a small scar on the under side of my chin from where the barrel cut into my skin that had been too soft from all that damn water. My shoulder aches too much when it rains, annoying the hell out of me most of the time. But it never did affect my basketball game.

Of course, have to say the emotional parts of my being are still on vacation. There is no clear cut way to say things to make other people happy. And I don't have any magic words for myself either. All I know is I've got to make it day by day. Otherwise, it might be too much.

I've revisited many of my past experiences. I called up Miguel the other day and took the kid to a movie. It had been food. We shared a tub of popcorn then spent the ride home debating how real the action in the flick had really been. He was growing up well.

And I've gotten back in touch with Cassie. Her voice is still raw, but she can speak without pain. It was good to hear that she is doing well in school and thriving under the care of her aunt and uncle. Someday I'm going to have to go visit her and see it all for myself.

Seeing two of the kids that have made a difference for me in this job helped. Each giving me something to take with me, straight to the heart. It helps me face the idea of testifying against the people they managed to gather up.

Shaun had been more than willing to give up names when it was announced it would reduce his sentence. He still got a shit load brought down on his head, but I still had to go and sit in that same court room as him. Warrick had been by my side, but at that time, it didn't help that much.

I did well on the stands. That's what everyone said to me. All I remember was feeling way out of my league and confused beyond hell. I'm surprised I even was able to look that man in the face and see that sneer he gave me.

I know if he gets out, he's coming after me first.

But I'll just lock that away with the rest of it all. Tenner was dead and he wasn't going to get me anymore through the real world. He could haunt me forever in my dreams for all I knew. And he was the other reason I wasn't back at work yet.

There had been a case file made up for his death. I had to give my testimony and state that it was all in self defense. There had been a small hearing that several people had attended. Each felt it was best that I took some time off and allowed myself to get over everything. Paper work had been filed.

I had killed a man after all.

Time was the last thing I needed. It had allowed the demons in the dark to get bigger. Now I was still fighting them away. There was something seriously wrong with a grown man afraid of the dark. I guess I just am a perfect candidate for that sort of thing.

But now I can finally put this pen down and never have to open this notebook again. Unless of course they make me which I'm sure will happen at one point in time. I've never really finished everything. There were those days of shaky recovering, those moments of close death. But I really don't care. It's not something I want to deal with anymore.

I made it through. I'm still alive. That's all I know and all I need to know anymore. Smiles are harder now, but I'm not complaining. They still come and that's enough of an accomplishment for me.

It's over. It's all over. Grissom had spoken those words to me in his office and I was going to stick to them. It didn't make it easier to believe, but it was what was expected. I'll get over everything mostly for them, but a little for myself.

I desire that. I should get something out of all of this.

My name is Nick Stokes. And I should be dead. But, I'm not.

The End

Author's Note: Well, that is it. It was a long one, wasn't it?! Wow, that wasn't planned at all. Just got away from me for awhile there and I didn't bother to fight it. But it was an interesting ride. Thanks to all those old and new that spoke up on this one. You make it that much easier for me to continue.

I think I might have at least one more big story in order for everyone before I take my leave from CSI fan fiction. Don't know when it'll be up and running, but there is a good start to it.

New Story!

Title: Mens rea, Actus reus

Summary: Case Number: 04-9921; Responding Officer: Sergeant Andrew Kehls; Lead Crime Scene Investigator(s): Nick Stokes, Warrick Brown; Victim: Tessa Bellamont; C.O.D.: Undetermined at Current Time, Under Full Investigation

That one is going to be a straight case file with the two guys taking the lead on it. It should be fast paced and a good read. And hopefully, shorter than this one was.

So, thanks again. Hope to see new and old back for the next round. It was fun!