Finding Olivia
Chapter 7: Don't Leave
"How are you feeling?" Elliot asked as he took a seat beside Olivia's hospital bed. She had been fully examined by the doctors and it appeared that her injuries weren't too severe. Some minor dehydration, a few moderately deep lacerations on her back, various bruises, the small cut on her neck but nothing that couldn't be handled, the doctors had reassured Elliot.
She stared at her lap for a long time, pulling the blanket that she had wrapped around her shoulders tighter, she answered softly "Okay, I guess."
He reached out to take one of her hands "Derek's dead," he told her. He didn't know what good that news would do her but he wanted to tell her all the same.
"I thought he might be," she said as her hand pulled back from his for a moment before allowing his fingers to make slight contact.
Elliot looked at her. She looked so small wrapped in the blanket. He felt so guilty for letting this happen "Liv," he whispered "I'm so sorry."
She looked up then and made eye contact with him "This wasn't your fault Elliot," she looked down at her lap again "It was mine. You tried to tell me not to go. Hell, Fletcher told me not to go. I went to work anyway and that's why I'm here."
"He would have come looking for you," Elliot stated in a soft voice.
"And if he had, he would have run into Fletcher," she countered.
Elliot tried to hold back a chuckle "Fletcher's a damn fine agent," Elliot told her "But he's one poor shot," he smiled slightly "At least," he amended "According to him that is."
Olivia still had a hard time accepting the fact that Fletcher, the same kid who lived next to her and came to her asking advice about his girl problems, was an FBI agent. She smiled just a little "How's he holding up?"
"He's chewing his boss out right now," Elliot told her "I think he's dealing," Fletcher had seen some pretty awful stuff having been one of those who searched the recordings for evidence but Elliot knew that it probably never got any easier for the young man.
Olivia nodded in understanding "How are you holding up?" she asked.
"Olivia," Elliot sighed. He didn't want to have this conversation now, not with her. It had been her that he had seen in that basement, not just some random vic, which would have torn him up inside enough, but it had been her. He would probably be seeing George for multiple sessions upon returning to New York but there was no way that he was going to talk about this with Olivia.
"Please talk to me?" she finally allowed the fingers of her hand to wrap around his. She needed to hear his voice. She needed to know that while Derek had broken her down, he was still strong enough to carry both of them "Tell me," she encouraged softly. Tell me that you're all right and that we'll get through this, she prayed.
"Liv… I think that…" he trailed off. Please don't make me talk about this now. It's too soon. What do you want me to tell you? That every time I close my eyes, I see you hanging from that hook. I see Derek's face and I feel like killing him all over again. If that's what you want me to tell you then I'm sorry because I can't. I can't tell you because you'll worry about me. You've been through so much. Please don't worry about me.
She cautiously reached her other hand out from within the confines of the blanket. Both of her hands held his one between them "Tell me… tell me that you're okay," she pleaded.
He looked into her eyes and saw the fear there, the fear that she was trying to hide. He felt her hands slowly moving over his in small circles. He winced momentarily, her fingers were so cold, it reminded him of his nightmare. He reached out with his other hand and enveloped Olivia's hands in his in an effort to warm them. As he looked into her eyes, he told her "I'll be fine, we both will."
"Thank you," she smiled as she huddled closer into the blankets, withdrawing her hands inside her cocoon as well.
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"You went in without a warrant," Cooper chastised as he sat at his desk, holding the phone to his ear and listening to Fletcher's report.
"We had reason to believe that she was in immediate danger," Fletcher stated "What we found while searching the premises for her is admissible."
"Who is we?" Cooper asked "I don't remember authorizing any sting operation."
"You wouldn't get off your ass and do anything," Fletcher fumed "So we acted."
"Again with this 'we' business," Cooper spat "Who were you with?"
"A friend of hers," Fletcher told his boss; he didn't think that Cooper deserved to know the details but he divulged them anyway "A detective with the NYPD like she herself is."
"I thought your friend stocked shelves at Moonshower's store?" Cooper was confused.
Wow, he actually listened to something I told him "She was manipulated into believing that she was undercover for the FBI," Fletcher answered.
"I'm afraid that you've completely lost me," Cooper said as he absently drummed his fingers on the top of his desk.
There's a shocker! Fletcher thought sarcastically "It's a long story sir," Fletcher said in his most respectful tone "I don't even know all the details yet."
"Damn it," Cooper slammed his hand on his desk "Doesn't anyone know anything? Who's in charge of this operation anyway?"
Fletcher tried not to laugh at his boss's stupidity "I was under the impression that that was you sir," he responded.
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She ducked down an alleyway, running at full speed. She hated being on the run but she had no choice. Three years ago she had been thrown to the dogs to be torn apart and now it seemed like the anonymous person who had promised to take care of her had done the same, although she was grateful that this time, the dogs weren't nearly as sadistic. She reached the end of the alley and darted down the sidewalk. She had to find someplace to hide. She considered turning herself in. She had after all scent Olivia unwittingly to those same dogs who had broken her down. She would never forgive herself for that. She hadn't wanted the money but it had been given to her anyway.
And what she had allowed to happen to Elliot. It had been an accident but it had accomplished what her anonymous benefactor/tormentor had wanted, how had the synthesized voice on the other end of the phone put it? Oh yes 'divide and conquer'. She had nothing to feel but guilt for choosing her own life over theirs. She hadn't known them when she had first agreed to this farce but she had read about some of the things they had done, for other people and each other. She wished she hadn't done what she'd done.
She turned down yet another alley and allowed herself to rest behind a dumpster. There was really no place she could go. It would be better if she turned herself in and told them all she knew about the person who had been threatening her to do their bidding under the guise of paying her off. Besides, she knew that the cops wouldn't turn her back over to the pornography ring to be tortured until she died.
She rose from the cold ground and made her way slowly further down the alley until she reached the next sidewalk. She turned in the direction of the 16th precinct and began walking. She would turn herself in and do the right thing for the first time in over three years. Just the thought of doing the right thing, made her heavy heart feel so much lighter.
A car drove past her and through a deep puddle, splashing her with muddy water. She didn't even have time to curse as a bullet ripped through her flesh. She didn't know where it had come from. All she knew was the searing pain in her shoulder as she collapsed to the ground. She knew as she lay there, that she was going to die. With some effort, she managed to clasp her hands together "God," she whispered "Please forgive me and protect those that I so selfishly tried to destroy."
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"Aren't you tired?" Olivia asked as she watched Elliot sitting in the obviously uncomfortable hospital chair. He had been sitting with her ever since the nurse had told him that he could see her and it was getting close to one in the morning.
"I'm fine," he reassured her even as he stifled a yawn. There's nothing anyone could do or say to make me leave your side.
"You are so not fine," she told him sternly "Go get some sleep," she told him.
"Where am I gonna go?" he asked in an almost sharp tone but softened it instantly "There's nowhere else I'd want to be right now than with you."
Olivia slid over in the hospital bed "Climb in," she told him.
"Liv," he tried to protest. He remembered the way that she had shrunk away from his hand and he didn't want to push her into something she wasn't ready for "I don't want to-"
"I'm fine," she reassured him, reaching a hand out. She felt so alone and though she didn't want to admit it to him, she wanted to be as close as physically possible to him tonight "Slide in," she told him.
"Olivia," he protested "It's a small bed."
"I know that," she told him "Please, just… if it's not too much trouble could you… I mean…" Hold me please. I'm so scared right now, you don't even know. Please hold me tonight. I want to pretend like its possible that we could be. "Get your ass in this bed now," she half shouted playfully at him.
"Are you sure?" he asked as he sat on the edge of the bed.
She nodded "Please?" Make this go away. Can you make this go away? Hold me, talk to me and maybe I'll forget the sting of that whip. Maybe if we talk like we used to, I won't remember the words that I said to make that first one stop.
He slid in next to her, trying to keep his distance. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to scare you. I love you too much. I want to hold you tonight but I'm afraid. If I do, will I hurt you? Will my arms around you somehow remind you of him? Please God, I don't want to hurt her, I want to help her but I don't know what to do this time. I don't know what to say.
"Elliot," she reached her arms out in an effort to pull him closer. She was afraid if he stayed where he was, he would topple off the bed if he fell asleep "Come here," she told him as her hands found his shoulders.
"Are you sure?" he asked again "I don't want to… are you sure you're all right with this?"
"It's just you," she reassured him as she attempted to nuzzle closer to him. Is this sudden for you? Would you run away now if I thanked you for coming to get me? Would you run away if I said I loved you?
He found himself wrapping his arms around her and pulling the blankets tight around them both "Why do hospitals have to be so damn cold?" he asked her as he shivered. Are you comfortable with me holding you? I don't want you to be afraid of my touch. I don't want you to be afraid of me. Would you be afraid if I told you I love you?
"I'm not sure," she too shivered and huddled closer against Elliot's body "It seems unnatural doesn't it?" Just keep talking to me. Any topic is fine. I just wanna hear your voice.
"It seems natural when…" Elliot trailed off. It feels so right to hold you but I can't tell you that now. He looked down at Olivia whose head lay against his chest. You'd think I was being an ass. Would you ever love me the way I love you?
"It's not so bad," Olivia mused as she began to fall asleep, feeling warm and safe with Elliot beside her. If I said I loved you, would you leave? Would you never speak to me again? Would I go back to New York and find that I've lost everything? Please don't ever leave?
"The cold?" he asked. He found his hand stroking her hair subconsciously. I love you. I love you. If I said it out loud, would you hate me for it?
"Being in a hospital," she murmured "When you're here with me." I feel safe here. You do something to me. You make me feel like I don't have to be afraid. If I told you these things, would you look at me differently?
"I'll go anywhere just to be next to you." Damn, I said that out loud! Please don't hate me Olivia? Please don't push me away?
She looked up at him and smiled "Same here," she yawned. I love you.
"You sound tired," he remarked. Will you even remember this conversation in the morning? I hope you do.
"It's been…" she searched her mind for the word to describe the day and only found herself thinking about the events of the day more than she wanted to. She shivered and tried to shrink further into Elliot's arms without even realizing it.
"Olivia?" he asked. He held tighter to her even though his mind was telling him to let her go. It's too much. I'm pushing her too fast. She's afraid. I'm making her afraid. Damn it, don't hold her so close you idiot. Don't hold on to her like your life depends on it you stupid love sick fool.
She looked up at him again as her own arms snaked around him to pull him closer. She held him as tight as he held her. I thought about you. I was afraid I would die there and never see you again. I was afraid I would never hear your voice again. I was afraid I'd never get the chance to tell you I love you. So why am I waiting now? Because if I tell you, you'll leave won't you? If you leave, I'll never get through this. I want to tell you but I'm not ready. I need to know that you won't leave. "I'm all right," she whispered. As long as you hold me like this, I'm all right.
"You're sure," he tried to pull away.
"Please don't leave!" the words were almost shrieked and she didn't even realize it at first until he pulled her back into his arms.
"I'm here," he soothed "I won't leave unless you ask me too."
"I'm not gonna tell you to leave," she whispered "Not ever. Please don't ever leave?"
He pressed a kiss to the crown of her head "I'm here, you're safe, it's gonna be all right." I love you. I'll never leave you as long as I can help it.
"Thank you," she whispered. I need you if I'm gonna get through this. I'm not as strong as I pretend to be and you're the only one who understands and lets me be. I need that. I need you.
"Please don't thank me?" he whispered as tears sprang to his eyes. I should have known that Star would do this. I should have said something to keep you from leaving in the first place. I should have gotten here sooner. Please don't thank me? I don't deserve it. I'm so sorry.
"Why not?" she asked as she reached a hand up to touch his face, her fingers made contact with the single tear that made its way from his eye down his cheek. Please don't cry? If you cry, I'll cry. There's no reason you should cry.
"Please just don't thank me?" he begged softly. Not for coming out here, not for staying here with you and please not for finding you.
"Okay," Olivia sensed something in his voice that told her she should drop this now. She laid her head against his chest and listened to his heart.
Elliot waited until he thought she was asleep. He kissed her forehead again and smiled as he continued to cry "I'm so glad I can be here with you. I love you."
Olivia smiled against his chest "I'm glad you're here," she answered him "I love you too."
TBC
A/N: Okay so blame this on my love of EO but well here's chapter seven. I'd appreciate your feedback on this chapter so please review.