Summary: "You deserve to be happy." her father had said. But what makes her happy? Tag to Threads. Sam reflect on her relationship with her family and the man she's always loved... but could never have...
Changes
Sam watched Pete tear down the 'sold' sign and get in his car. It hurt like hell to break things off with him, but she knew it was the right thing to do. It wasn't fair for the both of them. She could never love him as much as he loved her.
He really did love her. He loved her so much he was willing to overlook the fact that he knew her heart had never been and never would be completely his. That there would always be that someone else. That someone she loved for eight years. That someone she could never get.
She slowly stood and began the long walk home. Pete had left with the car and although she could have called a cab the walk would do her good. The air was cold and dreary, the wind blowing chaos to the leaves. It reflected her thoughts perfectly: a cold wearisome chaos, ever changing direction like the turning of the wind.
She needed time to think and sort things out. Think about her life, think about her father and what he had said before he died, think about what Pete said. Think about what Jack said.
What Jack said?
Since when did she start calling him by his first name, even in her head? She'd always called him 'sir' or Colonel and later General O'Neill and now she'd suddenly started calling him Jack?
Their time was running out. Now that the Goa'uld were defeated, Anubis gone, the Replicators destroyed, she had time and was forced to think about the possibility, but he was still her commanding officer, he was still her boss. He was still off limits.
Her father told her she deserved to be happy.
Her father. They'd wasted so much time before. She blamed him for her mother dying. She blamed him for the accident that cost her her life.
She still remembers it like it happened yesterday. The rain was splashing against the windows, a typical November day: cold, dark and depressing. Her mother pacing the room anxiously, complaining that Jacob wasn't home yet and the stores were about to close. Ten minutes before closing she'd decided to go herself.
The last time Sam had seen her mother was angry at their father.
It was two hours later her father came home, dripping wet from the still pouring rain, eyes swollen and red. The children immediately knew something was wrong.
She listened to her father explain about the accident. A drunk driver had seen the red light too late and, because of the wet road, skidded right into their mother's car. She died on impact.
Deep down, she was already promising herself never to forgive her father.
He tried to comfort her, tried to be there for her and her brother, but both of them blamed him. Both of them knew that if he'd been on time, their mother wouldn't have to go out. She had spent so much time hating him and then they couldn't get out of the pattern they created. She joined the military, wanting to prove to him that she could do better than him. That she wouldn't let her family down, that she could be military and take care of her family. The way he never could.
Instead of proving she could combine, she proved that the military could consume your life, if you let it. She focused on her job, made it her life, her family. Unintentionally she put Samantha Carter, the woman, on hold and only let Samantha Carter, military officer, be shown to the outside world.
It made it easier. If she didn't have a life outside the military, she couldn't hurt the family outside of the force. So she spent practically her entire life avoiding that which she wanted to prove.
She became as military as her father. Not showing any real emotions in front of other people, especially her dad. It caused her relationship with her father to be nothing but military and the relationship with her brother non-existent. Before she became part of SG1, it had been years since she last saw him. It was everything they went through going to other planets that made her realise she needed her brother. She needed family. Although SG1 became her family, she needed someone that wasn't part of that. So their relationship grew back. She finally became a sister to her brother and an aunt to his children.
However, the relationship with her father could not be so easily mended. He kept reminding her he wanted so much more for her than an office job studying deep space telemetry, but refused to let her get close to him. He wasn't the only one who kept their distance, and she knew it.
Until she found out he was dying.
Him becoming a To'kra was one of the best things that could have happened to them. They became the link between the To'kra and the Tauri. They became closer and she finally saw in him the father she thought she'd lost a long time ago. He even made up with Mark.
Yet the military still was her life. She still refused to let anyone get too close to her.
Then there was Jack. For all his military bravado, he found a way to seep through those walls she had raised a long time ago. Yet, at first, he seemed the least likely person to get close to her. She always thought she wanted something outside of the military, someone who had absolutely nothing to do with it. He became the one person she let in. Now that aspect of her life she had dedicated her herself to, stopped her from finding what she had always wanted. The military: it had separated her from her father, but then reunited them. It brought Jack in her life, but prevented them from being together.
Now that their biggest threat was gone, her father was gone, what was keeping her there? She loved her job, she loved the work she did, the things she saw, but she could do that while being a civilian. What was keeping her in the military?
Half an hour later, the familiar bushes surrounding her house could be seen up ahead. Fishing in her pockets for her keys, she came upon a business card. It was a card from the SGC's funeral home. Her dad's funeral. Then she suddenly remembered. She was supposed to meet Mark.
Since their father's death, Mark was given a limited clearance so he could visit their father's body, still lying in the SGC. Sam was finally able to tell him something about what their father had been doing for the past six years, although some things, namely the Goa'uld and Replicators had remained off-limits. He'd been dealing with the military long enough to understand 'classified', so he didn't ask. He was just glad to find out about his father's life and that they gave him the time to come to terms with him.
Since Jacob Carter had been military, they arranged for the burial. Sam didn't think she could handle meeting the reverend to discuss the ceremony, or what kind of flowers there were supposed to be on her dad's grave. She was glad that was all taken care of. All they had to do was organise a service at her house.
The ceremony was beautiful. The weather was dark, sullen, but dry, again reflecting her mood perfectly. She didn't cry, she couldn't cry, not in front of all these people. A large number of SGC personnel were present, along with several of her dad's old friends and colleagues. She vaguely remembered a few of them from when she was a girl. She tried to keep her military mask on, be the officer instead of the daughter, but eventually couldn't. She was about to break down when a warm hand laid on her shoulder, squeezing gently. She wasn't surprised to find it was Jack's hand, letting her know he was there for her.
She remembered when he said he'd always be there for her. He had always been there for her. He'd somehow always sensed when there was something going. Most of the time she would tell him she was fine and he wouldn't push her, but he always sensed it. The few times she did let him know, he was there. He consoled her when she thought Cassie would die, he was there when Janet died, and now, when her father died. Daniel was much more into the whole touchy feely stuff, but somehow it was always Jack that was there for her, right by her side when she needed him.
After the ceremony they all drove to her house. Since her brother didn't live in Colorado, there was no other option than her house. On the way she started thinking of all the people she was going to have to talk to. All of them saying how sorry they were and what a good man Jacob had been. All those people when right now she wanted nothing more than to crawl into a corner and be alone.
She felt a hand taking hers and squeezing it. She turned a saw Jack looking at her, his hand still holding hers and not about to let go. She tried to smile, indicating she was fine, but couldn't get it to reach her eyes.
Of course he didn't buy it.
"You sure you're up for this?" She could clearly see the concern on his face and couldn't lie.
"I don't know."
"You don't have to do this. If you want I'll go tell Mark that you're not feeling well. He'll understand."
Her fingers squeezed in return. "Thanks, but I'll manage. I can't let Mark go through this alone. He doesn't know half of the military personnel who are coming. And I need to do this, at least for dad."
He looked at her for a long moment. "All right. If you're sure." She could tell by his look that he wasn't at all, before he turned back to look through the window.
She squeezed his hand again and he turned his eyes from the window back to her. "Thank you." He didn't reply, just gently stroke his her hand with his. She didn't need more.
Jack watched her closely the rest of the day. She constantly felt his presence when she was talking to someone. He wasn't crowding her, but stood close enough to let her know he was there if she needed him. She found it surprisingly reassuring and it made it easier to get through the day.
When everyone, including Mark and his family, Daniel and Teal'c, had left, Sam noticed that Jack hadn't. Instead he'd started picking up the mess the others had left.
"Sir, you don't have to do that. I'll clean up in the morning."
He stopped and walked over to her. "I want to." He gently brushed her cheek with his hand.
She couldn't help but lean into the touch. His hand felt so good, so warm and comforting she felt the loss when he removed it. She wished he would keep his hand there always.
He was still her commanding officer.
"Thank you, sir."
"For what?"
"For being here for me." She felt her eyes moisten with tears as she looked in his. She never thought there could be so much care and, perhaps, love reflected in them.
"Come here." She willingly let herself be pulled into a hug by those strong arms that saved and comforted her on so many occasions. He buried his head in the crook of her neck and it seemed like the shape was made for it. She sighed deeply as she relaxed against him and felt his breath tickling her skin.
She heard him whisper in her ear: "I told you, I will always be here for you. Always."
She couldn't hold back the tears in her eyes and let them go.
Sam didn't know how long they stayed there, standing in the middle of her living room holding each other. When she had composed herself they reluctantly broke the hug, but Jack didn't let go of her shoulders.
"You ok?"
Sam started laughing awkwardly. "I'm a mess."
"No, you're not." He smiled that same smile that always made her blush. "Why don't you go get cleaned up, take a shower, a bath, whatever. I'll finish up here."
"Sir, you really don't…"
"Carter, go." It was an order he'd given her so many times, but never before with so much warmth and gentleness. It became an entirely different voice.
"OK, I'll be back in twenty minutes."
"Take your time, I'll be here." He was already busy tidying and didn't look up. If he had, he could've seen the small smile forming on her lips and the tinkle in her eyes as she watched him work.
It took Sam a little longer to get cleaned up. She relaxed during a long bath, watching the night sky through her bathroom window. It all looked so peaceful, so calm, like everything was asleep for the day. She didn't hear the normal rustle of leaves, no rain prickling her window, no dog barking or cars driving. The world had gone to bed.
Now what should she wear? It was warm outside, but she wasn't going anywhere, but he was still here, so she couldn't just walk around in a an oversized t-shirt. Not that he would mind, but she was a little too self conscious for that. So she settled on a pair dark fitting sweats and a white shirt. Comfortable and decent.
When she walked back into the living room, she saw him sitting comfortably on the couch, a beer in one hand and a national geographic magazine in the other.
"Wow, you did all this when I was in the shower?"
He put the magazine away. "Well, an hour is a long time to keep busy." She blushed when he put stress on the duration of her bath. "And I like cleaning. It's calming."
"Sir, you really didn't have to do all of this."
"Carter, we've been over this. I wanted to. Accept help when it's offered. Especially when that help is a guy volunteering to clean up." She smiled. Who knew Jack O'Neill could be so domestic? She liked that she now knew something like that about him. It was intimate, comforting.
Relaxed from her bath, she settled herself on the couch next to him. His warmth radiating from his body and she found herself nestling against him, wanting to be as comfortable as possible. She quickly fell asleep.
The next morning she woke up in her bed. She was still wearing the sweats and shirt she wore last night, but had no idea how she'd gotten in bed. The last thing she remembered was sitting on the couch against Jack (she'd resigned to the fact that she'd started calling him Jack in her head).
She suddenly shot up. She had fallen asleep against her commanding officer! Had he carried her to bed? She quickly glanced over at the other side, thinking for a second that she'd find him lying next to her, but was relieved (and deep down a bit disappointed) to find it empty. So he'd put her to bed and gotten back to his house?
Then she smelled fresh coffee. And bacon? She didn't have bacon in the house!
She quickly showered and changed before heading downstairs to the smell that made her stomach grumble. She stopped for a second to take in the view of Jack standing with his back to her (and it was a really nice back), stirring what had to be scrambled eggs. She realised she didn't have any eggs either . . . and he wasn't wearing the clothes he had on yesterday.
She was startled by a cheerful "Morning."
How did he know she was there? Right, Black Ops.
"Morning." He turned and handed her a cup of coffee. "Did you go home last night?"
He smiled. "No, I always have a gym bag with clothes in my truck, in case…"
In case what? She didn't want to know.
"That's smells good." She pointed to the frying pan with the eggs and bacon. "But last I checked, I didn't have any bacon, or eggs in the house."
"I know. The only thing I found in there was old bread, something that used to be leftover Chinese and beer."
"So you went to the store for me?" She felt her heart jump over the fact that he would do that for her.
"Thought you could use some things in your fridge along with a decent meal."
"Sir…"
He interrupted her without taking his eyes of what he was doing. "Carter, if you're going to say 'you shouldn't have' I'm eating these eggs all by myself and you can eat that old bread. Your choice."
She smiled. "I wasn't going to say that." The smile lessened. "I was going to say, thank you. For this, all of this."
He turned from checking the eggs and she felt her body tingle by the sight of his smile.
"Could you grab a few plates? Breakfast's ready."
She took the plates and went to the fridge to get bread, when saw it was almost completely stocked. It was full of everything she liked, down to her favourite brand of yoghurt.
"You stocked my fridge?" She took the fresh bread and returned to the table while he was dividing the eggs onto the two plates. "This is more than a few things."
A look crossed over his face. One she'd never seen before, but would have liked to see again. It spoke so many things, so many feelings. Her heart jumped as they stared at each other. A moment that lasted for ever but was over too quickly as they were brought back to reality by her empty stomach making itself known. They both laughed and dove into their breakfast.
They ate in a comfortable silence. Neither feeling the need to break it. To Sam it felt like they did this every day.
She wanted this every day.
To wake up, knowing he would be there, asleep next to her or making breakfast. She wanted him there. She wanted him and there was only one way to make that happen. If regulations didn't allow for them to be together, then she'd just have to create a situation where they didn't apply. How was she ever going to tell him that?
"Jack?"
The use of his first name immediately got his attention. She could count on one hand the number of times she'd called him that in the eight years they'd known each other. He looked at her like he knew something important was about to happen.
"I've made a decision."
A frown crept across his face. "About what?"
"Us."
The frown deepened and was now accompanied by a panicked look in his eyes. She waited for him to say something, but getting no reply, she continued.
"I'm resigning from the air force."
The frown was immediately replaced by a shocked look.
"Sam, I can't let you give up your career."
"I'm not giving up my career. I can still be a civilian consultant. I can still be part of SG1 and go through the gate. I just wont be military anymore."
"You love the air force."
"There are some things I want more."
"I'll retire."
"No! The military needs you. You're too important to resign."
"The military doesn't need me. Sam, I've got a record the size of a phone book. I'm done with my career. Yours is in its peak."
"But…"
"Sam, I was planning on retiring anyway. I'm too old for this. I need to step down, get my priorities straight."
"And what about…?"
"And General Hammond agrees with me."
Now it was her turn to look surprised. "General Hammond? You talked to him?"
"Last night. After you'd said goodbye to your dad and went home, I called Hammond. I told him about me and Kerry. And about me and you."
"You and Kerry?"
"Yeah, we broke up right before your dad died. Seems like it was painfully obvious to everyone but me."
She threw him a puzzled look.
"She saw I was in love with someone else."
"And you told Hammond that?"
"I did."
"And what did he say?"
"First he told me that Kerry was a smart girl for pointing it out to me. Then that I was an idiot for taking so long to do something about it. And finally that he was expecting my retirement papers by the end of the week."
"But the SGC needs you."
"And I'll stay there, but only as a civilian consultant. Hammond asked me if I wanted to run the SGC as a civilian, but I'm tired of all the paperwork. I want more time for myself and the people I love."
He reached across the table and took her hand.
"Sam, we've waited eight years. We hoped this would go away in time, but it didn't. In fact, it only grew stronger, on my part."
"With me too." She only managed to whisper, her head spinning with everything she was hearing.
"I want this. I want you. I want to wake up next to you every morning. I want to make you breakfast. I want to see you get ready for work and kiss you goodbye. I want to be here when you get back. I want to be the first thing you see in the morning and the last you see at night. I want to be the person who has the privilege to be with you and love you for the rest of his life. That's what I want."
Sam felt her eyes fill with tears, but she didn't try to stop them. She couldn't. He was telling her everything she wanted to hear. Everything she spend years dreaming about, hoping that somehow they could make it happen, but realising it never would. Now here he was, here they were. In her kitchen, him declaring his love for her.
"I want that too."
As they stared at each other, he pulled her to her feet and embraced her with the warmth she had wanted to feel her entire life. His lips, ever so soft, descending on hers.
It felt like hours before the need for oxygen finally broke them apart. Both were panting and breathing hard.
"So, now can I convince you to go fishing with me?"
He gave her a devilish smirk as she nodded her answer, before attaching herself to those lips she would never get enough of..
Outside the sun crept from behind the trees, giving everything in its path a warm peaceful glow, a slight wind making the leaves dance happily across the street. Birds were singing. Families waking up. The day was beginning beautifully.
Everything was how it was supposed to be.