Note: It would be helpful to me if people who are reading this would kindly leave me critique, both good and bad. I'm fiarly new to the series, and want to make sure I'm IC and accurate. I have been beta-ed by PockySquirrel, but I want to be sure everything is in order. Thanks!
-----
The kiss became frantic, desperate. It seemed like his hands were everywhere all at once; touching, teasing. Shuu was too dazed to protest or complain. This was nice. This was pale, pale limbs everywhere -not Shin's- ocean eyes -an ocean of stars and moonlight- bright with lust -not Shin's- soft body -not Shin- willing -not Shin- warm -not Shin!- beneath clumsy hands. A voice too deep. A mouth too talented. Awkward, but first times usually are. Satisfactory, but hollow.
Shuu woke with a start.
It happened every night, and sometimes during the day as well. The memory came, unbidden. Unwanted. He hated thinking about it and still wasn't even sure how it had all happened. How had it gone from an innocent, experimental kiss to…? Shuu dragged a hand across his face, knowing it would be another sleepless night. Where the hell had Touma learned to do that anyway?
It had proved he could do it, but that didn't make it any less embarrassing. Shuu couldn't look at Touma -who was sleeping peacefully, dammit!- without blushing and getting all flustered. He still wasn't sure how it had happened; it all happened so fast. One minute, it had been nothing more than a kiss, the next, Touma had been all over him, the horny bastard. Some best friend he was. No, that wasn't fair…It wasn't Touma's fault; not entirely.
But…What the hell had Touma been thinking!
Not to mention the fact that Shuu was feeling incredibly guilty over the whole thing. What he'd done with Touma was bad enough -you just don't do things like that with your friends! But he couldn't help feeling a bit like he had cheated on Shin, which was odd, since they weren't even a couple. And the lying…He would be lying about this for the rest of his life, because no one could ever know…Especially not Shin. And lying simply wasn't Shuu's style.
It seemed like this whole mess had gone from bad to worse.
Shuu rolled over, attempting to go back to sleep, hoping he wouldn't have that dream again. It was almost too quiet, except for Touma's soft snores continuing through the darkness from the other side of the room. He longed to shuffle down the hall to the room Shin and Seiji shared; to burrow into that bed in an ocean of calm and jersey sheets and down pillows. Just like he had on the night this all began. But even that seemed wrong now; how could he possibly deserve to curl up safe and warm with Shin after what he had done and what he couldn't say?
It was a long time before sleep claimed him again.
Shin couldn't help noticing during breakfast how tired his friend looked. Shuu's gaze was bleary and unfocused and his hair stuck up in various places as if he hadn't bothered to comb it. He was still wearing his pajamas and couldn't stop yawning widely, not even bothering to cover his mouth with each yawn, which Shin found rather rude. He didn't reprimand his seemingly-exhausted friend however, simply set a plate of pancakes in front of him.
"Thanks." Shuu mumbled, not bothering to look up. He was finding it hard to look any one in the eye these last couple days, for fear of blurting out what had been going on. Especially Shin. That soft aqua gaze had a way of drawing the truth out from any one, especially Shuu, who couldn't help himself from drowning in those eyes and wanting to give up any secret if it meant he would be planted on solid ground again. Shin was dangerous, if only because he was sincere and caring in everything he did.
Shuu was eating slowly, almost picking at his breakfast. This was the second sign that something wasn't right with him. Shin frowned softly. He had thought that Shuu might be ill the night they'd wound up curled up in his bed together and that nagging suspicion was back. Something was off with the younger man; he hadn't been at all himself the past nine days.
It bothered Shin, not knowing what was wrong. He liked helping people, thrived off it. And he couldn't help if he didn't know the problem. He would do anything for his friends, after all, and especially Shuu, who he was closest with. It hurt to think Shuu was keeping something from him; he thought they trusted each other.
Shin was elbow-deep in soapy water, carefully sponging the dishes, when he realized Touma was hovering uncertainly in the doorway. He studied the archer for a moment, taking in pale skin, gangly limbs, blue eyes a shade too serious and the thin, neutral line of Touma's mouth. "Detached" was the word Shin often thought of when considering Touma; detached and surreal. He wasn't part of anybody else's world, only his own, and this was why Shin felt the pressing need to make sure Touma's laundry was done and he didn't get too far lost in that Touma-world.
They had never been particularly close; Touma hated Shin's constant fussing over him. Shin couldn't help it though. It was just his nature to take care of people. And Touma needed to be looked after or he'd wind up forgetting to sleep or eating a candy bar for breakfast or something equally detrimental to his health and well-being.
Touma was studying Shin in much the same manner. Shin was such a soft person -soft hair, soft eyes, soft clothes, soft words, soft heart. Touma didn't understand how he had lasted so long wearing his heart on his sleeve. How he had made it so far while letting the world see him exactly as he was. It didn't make sense that no one had ever hurt him or taken advantage of him or any of the things that often happened to soft, innocent people.
"What's wrong?" Shin cocked his head in that curious nature that only he displayed. He had this way of looking like a kitten when he did that; eyes wide and innocent, lips parted slightly. Touma sometimes expected an inquisitive mew to slip out when that look crossed Shin's face.
Touma's brows knit together and the line of his mouth curved downwards into a small frown. "I'm worried about Shuu." Worried, and a bit guilty. Part of Shuu's current upset was his fault, after all. Worried also that if Shin ever found out, he would be disgusted with him for taking advantage of his friend; that he wouldn't want to be with Shuu, knowing what they had done. Worried that Shin -one of his only true friends in the world- wouldn't want to be friends with him any more.
"Me too." Shin sighed softly, drying his hands on a dish towel and turning fully to face Touma.
Blue eyes blinked. Touma could easily see the hurt in Shin's expression; the slight betrayal at the thought that Shuu was keeping something from him. They told each other everything; Shuu was the only member of the team Shin had come out to at that point, he trusted him that much.
"You…don't know what's wrong?" Touma's voice had a slight hitch to it, as if he was afraid Shin would say he did know. He shifted uncomfortably, watching as Shin turned back towards the sink.
"He won't tell me." Shin's expression fell further, "He's trying to pretend nothing is wrong and I wish he would tell me, because I know he would feel better." He reached in and pulled the plug, allowing the sink to drain in a whirlpool of dirty water and foamy bubbles. Shin stared at it as if his very dreams were swirling down the drain as well.
Touma was silent, just watching again. He had told Shuu several times he should just get it over with and tell Shin how he felt, but Shuu was being stubborn. Either that or he was scared of the outcome. Touma almost wanted to laugh over it; he'd never seen Shuu scared speechless over anything. This was hardly a laughing matter, however, if the almost-devastated look on Shin's face was any indication.
"You know what's going on, don't you?" Shin continued, a slightly suspicious frown crossing his face. He felt his chest tighten at the thought that Shuu might trust Touma more and immediately chastised himself. It made sense, of course; Shuu had known Touma for a long time. That didn't make it hurt any less, but he couldn't blame Shuu.
"You should talk to him." Touma didn't bother answering the question, just gave that bit of advice and padded back out of the room. He didn't think he could be in the same room with Shin and that wounded look much longer without blurting out everything.
Alone again, Shin sank down into a chair at the kitchen table, propping his chin up on his hands. Touma hadn't been that much help…Talk to him. Of course he would love to talk to Shuu, but it didn't seem Shuu wanted his advice or help. What could possibly be so wrong that Shuu was afraid to tell him, anyway?
And how did Touma figure into all of this? He knew something and wouldn't tell, either. Shin didn't like secrets, not between his friends and not when some one was hurting. He knew there were many more opportunities for Shuu and Touma to talk; they shared a room, after all. Who knew what they talked about in that horribly disgusting mess of a room? That didn't make it any easier, though. There wasn't a single thing Shin had kept from Shuu since they'd become fast friends and he was wounded at the thought Shuu might be hiding something important from him. Or worse yet, that Shuu didn't trust him anywhere near as much as he thought.
Maybe this has something to do with you. The thought crept slowly into his head, gathering steam with each passing second. That would explain why no one wanted to tell him what was going on. That would explain why Shuu couldn't seem to look him in the eye and why Touma was so fidgety; why Touma had found it necessary to tell Shin -as if he needed telling- that he should be talking to Shuu. It would explain a helluva lot of things.
But what could be the problem? Shin tried to think of things he might have done or said that could have possibly upset Shuu. There wasn't much he could come up with. Shuu was straightforward and easy to please. Not much upset him, except maybe the thought that dinner might be late and a failure to uphold justice. He spoke his mind easily and didn't have much of a filter between his brain and his mouth. If something small was bothering him, he would have just come out and said it already.
Shin was fairly certain this was not a small thing.
For one horrifying moment, the thought crossed his mind that maybe Shuu wasn't as comfortable with the knowledge that Shin was gay as he had said he was. Shin panicked over this thought for a moment, staring down at the table, slender fingers wound through his hair. He almost started to cry, then remembered that this behavior had begun less than two weeks ago and he'd come out to Shuu long before then. That couldn't have been it, then.
Wiping away any hint of tears, Shin rose from the table. There was only one way to settle this and though he was a bit scared to find out what the truth might be, he didn't like there being anything unresolved and heavy hanging between him and Shuu. Touma was right; he had to talk to Shuu, even if he had to coerce the answers out of him. Things just couldn't go on like this any more, with the upset and the wondering and the fact that it looked like Shuu wasn't getting any sleep at all.
Giving the kitchen one last perfunctory glance to make sure everything was in order, Shin padded off in search of his friend.