I took a look at my review number and I nearly choked on my chocolate chip cookie(guess Evil Gluttony wins again…sob). 14 new reviews! This is so wowza…retarded saying, I know.

Christipotter I hope the 'weird' thing was meant as a compliment. Oh well. Hugs and kisses for the review!

Kougaismyhomeboy love your penname. Thanks!

Ministry of Tragic since Draco is running around Hogwarts- meh, can't give it away. All I can say is that you will certainly be hearing more fatal screams in Chapter Four.

MAD4magik Im tempted not to write just so you can throw Snape out the window…but I consider myself a nice person. As you can see, because you're reading the damned chapter right now. –says to self…Duh. You stupidhead, Sammi.-

HiPeoples001 That's one thing I CAN say, because Im eating one right now. Or used to be, before it disappeared. Now where could it have gone? –scratches head- -shrugs- Ah well, I'll just take another one…

wildimagination wowza…-shakes self-…really have got to stop saying that…in other words…(evil voice in head says wowza to torment rest of self) thanks!

Elbereth Gilthoniel hey…I know a good song…-jumps up on table singing Living La Vida Loca-

Buffy the Mary Sue Slayer Actually, the orange marmalade thing wasn't from me, it was in the book Alice in Wonderland. Still…UGH

KillerBunnySlippers okay people…we've got a wild one here! –shoves KillerBunnySlippers out of room- lol, jk. Didn't mean that. Pleased to meet a fellow crazy person! I shake you warmly by the hand! –extends hand- Shake?

elephantsrocmysox as with fellow reviewer Christipotter, I hope you meant the 'weird' thing in a good way. (evil voice in head: she didn't…you know she didn't…) –says to self…shut up- there. Now you really think I'm wierd, don't you?

DISCLAIMER: I love Harry Potter and all the other wonderful wonderful wonderful characters of HP and Alice in Wonderland, but I don't own them. Life is such a (censored, begins with a B…then an I….then a T….then a C…guesses anyone?).

A/N : Okay, I seriously don't know what's wrong with the disclaimer thing and the extra sentence under it in Chapter Two. I didn't add it! Creepy.

Also, the part where Harry thinks about killing Dumbledore and becoming headmaster is meant to have 5 exclamation marks, but, weirdly, this site doesn't allow more than one exclamation mark in a row in stories or reviews.

Anyway, on with the story.

Harry wandered into a beautiful garden. It was full of flowers and stuff, things that Harry liked quite a lot.

He skipped through a knee-high patch of thornless roses, quite unaware of the "ouch!" and the "you bastard"s gathering in a tiny chorus beneath him.

Suddenly, Harry saw a sign. It said, JOB OFFER. Harry studied the sign and then walked on.

Then he saw…a caterpillar coming towards him! It was huge, or looked huge to Harry because he had just shrunk to two inches tall and the caterpillar was three inches tall.

"Who are you?" said the caterpillar in a voice that sounded a bit like Captain Blackadder.

"I'm Harry." said Harry.

"Oh." Said the caterpillar. "Horny, you say?"

"Harry." Said Harry.

"How pleasant to meet you, Horny." Said the caterpillar, and offered Harry one of his six hands.

There was a silence, as Harry thought about what he should do.

Then he said, "Pleased to meet you too, Mr Caterpillar. Is the job offer still open?"

"Job offer?" said the caterpillar. "Oh yes, it is still open. Do you want it?"

"Sure!" said Harry.

Ron was starting to get a little worried.

Ever since Draco had become the Headmaster of Hogwarts the first thing that Draco had done was ban Ron from shaking his maracas or beg for money.

Currently Draco was running around the school, performing a Hogwarts version of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which was why Ron was starting to get a little worried.

"I must stop him!" he said to himself, because Ron was quite crazy, as were all the students of Hogwarts.

"But how?" he added.

"Ah! I've thought of something!" he said.

"What? What?" he said to himself.

"I shall kill him." He replied to himself.

"Ooooooh. Really?" Said Ron, to Ron.

"'Course I do. What did you think I meant, dumbass?" said Ron, to Ron.

Harry was painting the Queen's roses red.

"Why?" he'd said to the caterpillar when it had told him what to do.

"It gets her angry." Said the caterpillar. "Very, very angry."

"But won't that-"

"Silence!" the caterpillar had said. "You have a job to do, you know. Now off you go, Horny."

Harry paused with half a white rose painted red, and wiped his sweaty brow.

There was a sudden trumpet blast, and a white rabbit with a golden pocket watch hurried in front of him.

"You have painted the roses red!" the rabbit proclaimed, holding a dramatic finger up into the air.

Forgive me for saying this, and it'll sound like I'm perverted, but it looked like he was having a full-body erection.

"The Queen must chop off your head!" the rabbit said, putting his dramatic finger to Harry's head and pushing him with it so Harry fell backwards on the floor.

Harry immediately stood back up on his feet and hit the rabbit on his head with his own trumpet.

The rabbit fell on the ground, stunned.

"Ah! He has dented the royal trumpet! Off with his head!" shrieked a huge woman who would have dwarfed Madame Maxime. Harry could only suppose that this was the Queen, because behind her drifted a banner held by nervous-looking playing cards. It said, ALL SUBJECTS MUST GIVE THE QUEEN A NICE PRESENT OR SHE WILL CHOP OFF THE SUBJECT'S HEAD.

"W-wait!" said Harry in a confused and dazed way. He stuck his hands in his pockets and rummaged around. He could only find a fake plastic lump of dog crap that he'd bought with Ron a year ago and had forgotten about.

Harry held out the plastic turd.

"A birthday present for your Majesty!" he tried to say in a humble voice, but it just came out as plain squeaky.

The Queen primly waved a hand, a playing card came forward and took the plastic dog crap, and it gave it to the Queen.

The Queen's face promptly began to turn red.

Harry made his last prayers.

Then the Queen burst into tears and held the plastic shit up to her face and rubbed her cheek against it.

"Oh, oh, oh." She sobbed.

The playing cards and Harry could only watch with amazement.

The Queen waved the turd around to all the cards around her.

"Doesn't this remind you of the Cheshire Cat? When he was around there were always these things around. Don't you remember? Ah, how I wish I'd preserved them! Oh, Chessie, Chessie, why did you leave me?"

And the Queen started to cry so hard there was a puddle around her and some of the playing cards nearest to her held out their umbrellas so they wouldn't get wet.

The Queen waved a tear-soaked hand to Harry, cradling the brown plastic lump to her body with the other.

"Take him away! Oh, give him whatever he wants! I shall sit on my throne with this on my head so that whenever I look in a mirror I shall remember…re….re…..remember….of my d….d….dear little….Che…Chessie Cat!"

A two of hearts and a five of clubs took Harry firmly by each arm and dragged him away to a clearing.

"Now, where do you want to go?" said the two of hearts.

"I want to go to Hogwarts." Said Harry.

"Shire?" said the five of clubs.

"Hogwarts." Said Harry, thinking that Shire meant Sire.

"Shire! Oh, there." Said the two of hearts.

And they gave him a pill.

Harry looked at it.

The two of hearts said, "What are you waiting for?"

Harry took the pill and swallowed it.

The next thing he knew, he was in a grassy meadow full of little lumpy houses.

The only thing Harry was sure about now was that he was definitely not at Hogwarts.

Okay, now that I think about it, the thing with the Queen was sorta stupid.

Ah well, I'll just leave it.

It takes up space and makes the chapter longer anyway.

A bear hug for every reviewer!

And under the policy of Tolerating Flamers: a bear hug for every flamer!

Haha.

-Sammi