Buffy the Mary Sue Slayer thanks :)

Mrs. Radcliffe 13 neither am I. How extraordinary.

Jab843 the duck was EVIL, he HAD to be impaled. HA!

elephantsrocmysox thanks XP

xBeautifulLetDownx I used your idea for the beginning of this. Thanks!

J Daisy actually, he does. Isn't that surprising? And I used your idea, ifyoudontmind.

Kougaismyhomeboy thanks :D And some toast does come in on this. Sorry, no evil twins tho. The nudity I'm not that sure about…

Christipotter yup thanks XD

The Miss Marauders thanks!

Ministry of Tragic lol, happy meals. Thanks ;)

yanni thanks!

Buffy the Mary Sue Slayer's sis yay thanks!

HiPeoples001 hazel smoke? Ooooookay then! Lol.

Amanda Halliwell not on drugs…unlike normal people I get sick of sugar after awhile…the thing I'm on…it's salt. YES, IT'S TRUE PEOPLE! You CAN get high on salt!

Thanks to xBeautifulLetDownx, J Daisy, and Kougaismyhomeboy for ideas. Let the madness begin!

By the way, I've given up on disclaimers. Too much time to think up and write.

Hermione was in unending grief for the tragic demise of Ron and the rubber duckie, despite the fact that she'd called them nasty things that you wouldn't ever embroider on a cushion only a chapter before. However, this is the strange way fanfiction works.

Anyway, she had to go to the wedding even though she was dressed in black and was pretending to mourn better than a twenty something gold digger whose nintysomething, appallingly rich husband has just snuffed it.

Just because.

Hedwig, Voldemort and the Easter Bunny were nearly getting to the part where they had to kiss and say "I do" when Ron suddenly burst in, crying, "NOOOOOOO don't do this Easter Bunny! I LUUUUUUUURVE you SOOOOOO much!"

There was a shocked silence, and as I've told you about three times before, this means that the author cannot think of anything to write.

Then Ron started carrying on about his and the Easter Bunny's various escapades, the Easter Bunny kept saying 'shush' but he wouldn't listen, and just as he was getting to a part where he described in very graphic terms how he had pleasured the Bunny in a train toilet, Elvis Presley (who was the minister, and had controlled himself nicely during the ceremony by Hermione who had told him not to wiggle) threw a bottle of Jack Daniels at him. Ron fainted, and Fred and George carried him somberly out of the wedding hall.

As for Hermione/Ron/the rubber duck's son, let us just say that he was voted 'person most likely to be picked on at junior high.' Of course, this little prophecy turned out to be right.

Hermione sat anxiously in Mrs. Etchintwier's classroom. Mrs. Etchintwierher was her son's English teacher. For the purposes of the chapter the setting has been moved from Heaven to Earth.

"Marigold's essays are not very satisfactory." sniffed Mrs. Etchintwier.

Hermione had always had a taste in exotic names.

"Marigold? Essays? How?" said Hermione, cluelessly.

Mrs. Etchintwier drew out a sheet of paper and showed it to Hermione.

"I had them write an essay about 'our president.'" I'm afraid this was what he came up with.

Our President
By Marigold Weasly-Granger-Duckie

George Bush is our president. George Bush has a pointy nose. George Bush comes from Texas. His family comes from Texas. A lot of people make fun of him because he comes from Texas. George Bush has pointy ears.

Hermione said, "oh."

She sat in her bedroom, sipping a cup of orange marmalade and thinking about Marigold's latest essay on the subject of foreign leaders : "Tony Blair wears pink ties. Tony Blair said, The sky is falling. Tony Blair said, "The sky is falling. The sky is falling." when Harry came in with Hedwig.

"Guess what, Mia!" said Harry enthusiastically.

"You know I said I'd kill you if you called me that one more time, Harry-"

"Awwww, loosen up, Mia!" said Harry. "Hedwig and I are going to be married!"

Hermione said, "but wasn't she married to Voldemort?"

"Yeah, she was, but she caught him in the closet with Sirius."

Hermione said, "oh."

Ron and the rubber duckie suddenly came out of the vanity mirror and said in a ghosty, spooky way, "We want our banana nut muffins."

Ginny rushed into the room and squealed, "I'm a bee! I'm a bee!" and she started to buzz around the room and was only persuaded to go out when Hermione threw a daisy out the window.

Hermione said, "Why is everyone gathering in my bedroom?"

"Didn't you know, Hermione?" Albus Dumledore said, rising up from the floor in a totally clichéd ghost entrance. "We're going to have a mass group orgy and your nine year old son Marigold is going to come and watch! Won't that be fun?"

Gandalf strode in, yelled, "TOAST!" and ran back out.

Frodo ran into the room. "Who wants to learn the Way of the Frodian Chainsaw?"

"ME! ME!" squeaked several house elves.

"The time has come," Frodo said, "To talk of many things:
Of shoes-and ships-and sealing-wax-
Of cabbages-and kings-
And why the sea is boiling hot-
And whether pigs have wings."

And he led them out into the garden where he massacred the unfortunate elves with the chainsaw.

Draco walked into the room. "I'm depressed." he said. "My mom sooooooo does not understand me, my dad sooooooo does not understand me, he whips me and locks me in the basement with centipedes crawling up my bare back and dresses me in loincloths, I used to be in love with Winky and now she's lying dead in the garden."

Nobody was listening, but Draco went on anyway: "There's no butter in the refrigerator, all the roses have wilted, angels are crying blood in my backyard and nobody understands me."

Nobody was listening, but Draco went on anyway: "The world is full of hate and discrimination, annoying people come to the door of my house to ask for money for Tsunami Aid and it's sooooooo annoying but I have to do it because my dad makes me because he soooooo does not understand me and if I don't he'll make me pound my feet to a bloody mess with a brick."

Then Draco slit his wrists and died, and everyone partied. And had the mass group orgy, although Hermione didn't participate. Marigold watched in fascination.

The next day Hermione, sick to death of being a goody-goody mother who always did things right, decided to make a brothel in Hogwarts with the Easter Bunny, Professor McGonogall, and a perky volunteer broomstick.

Just as they were getting to the dirty part of the description of an R-rated poster for the perky volunteer broomstick's benefit, Marigold barged in, and yelled, "Yo, ma! Check it, yo! Dis guy wanna be a gangsta rappa yo! I be pumpin' all de beeyotches like deyah no tomorrow YO, me rhymes like drizzle-fo-shizzle dum brizzle ma wizzle be on de top of dat chart YO!"

There was a silence, and the Easter Bunny said to Hermione, "He means that he wants to be a rapper."

"Like his pappa da Pipa, yo!" said Marigold enthusiastically.

For the essay thing, I have to give credit to the author of We Need to Talk About Kevin, I forgot her name, anyway, wonderful book, you should read it.

-Love,
Sammi