A double bill of NARP! The first part is in chapter 12. Disclaimer. I do not own Dr Phil.
Marigold sat proudly on his couch; he was Dr Phil!
A couple came onto the stage. They were…da-da-dum! Draco and Hermione.
"I thought you were dead." Said Dr Marigold to Hermione.
Hermione burst into tears, and the audience threw carrots at her, because she was a carrot girl.
"Anyway, what is your problem?" said Dr Marigold to Draco.
"She's a mudblood."
"So?"
"I don't like mudbloods."
"Why did you marry her then?" said Dr Marigold patiently.
"Because I don't like mudbloods. And everyone keeps telling me I'm racist."
"You're not racist! You're...you're..."
Dr Marigold looked briefly into his notes. "I think you have attention deficit disorder, and schizoid syndrome, and dementia, and anorexia, and emontially depressive disorder, and dyslexia, and hypomanical mental disorder. You may go home."
And then they went home.
"..and now we shall look into the sad and pathetic case of Harry and Draco." Said Marigold.
"What's wrong with them?" said the audience.
"They're dead." Said Marigold.
Harry was sitting alone. Alone because he was a LOSER!
Ron and Hermione were zombies. They had married separate broccoli people and were currently touring the world to educate ignorants on the benefits of eating broccoli. (of course, they didn't eat their partners, but that's beside the point.)
Harry wanted company. So, he'd commissioned some Fanfiction authors to give him what he wanted. However, he had no idea what kind of consequences this would have on his near future.
A girl came around the corner. Harry's eyes lit up. A GIRL! He hadn't seen one for so long ever since the whole world had decided that he was A LOSER!
Ah, but this GIRL! Was no ordinary GIRL! She had waist length black hair, flashing blue and silver eyes that you could tell went red when she was angry, curves in all of the right places, and a face that would force the supermodels of the world to mass retire in shame. Yes, this was a very special GIRL!
Harry felt something stir inside him. Perhaps this was OMGTRULUV!
"You are the most ravishing person I have ever seen." He said to the girl. "Pleasepleaseplease let me marry you."
"Of course." Said the girl. "I knew you'd want to marry me because I'm Serena Ella Elizabeth Ellen Narina Silvertooth Marine Hawkeye Ravenclaw, and I'm perfect."
Ordinarily an ordinary person would begin to harbor some doubts by this point, but this would imply sanity, and the characters here are all fanfiction.
Harry then had twentyfour children by Serena Ella Elizabeth Ellen Narina Silvertooth Marine Hawkeye Ravenclaw, or Serine for short because the author can't bother memorizing the whole damn name, but then who should come along but DRACO MALFOY!
They had a gigantic enormous bitchfight over Serine because each of them thought they were in OMGTRLUUV! With her, but then she started to whine and they threw her over a bridge. Haha. The end.
…or was it?
All of the twenty four children had loved their mother Serine to death (if you'll excuse the pun) and they decided to pull off a plan. DA-DA-DUM!
"I shall fetch the rope." Said number fifteen, despite the fact that nobody says 'shall' nowadays unless they are joking or a sixtysomething who was stuck in the past and still thought they were, haha, 'modern.'
"And I shall fetch the chainsaw." Said number twenty.
"And I shall fetch the machete." Said number two.
"and I shall fetch the ketchup." Said number ten.
They snuck up on Harry and Draco when they were sleeping (separately, you perv) and decided to – DA-DA-DUM! – put them to death.
But alas! The broccoli people were here, followed by a vindictive Ron and Hermione, who were here because a little bird had told them to, haha.
"Come onto the pathetically unattractive stage, Harry!" exclaimed Marigold.
TO BE CONTINUED