A/N: Just a short one-shot I thought of when I was coming up with D & R and Bounty Hunter. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Eva, Naruto, or Scarface.
Rei the Tree Hugger
It was just another normal day in Tokyo-3. The sun is shining, the Angels aren't attacking, and Asuka is bitching about something again.
"…and another thing dummkopf. When I say I wanted German for lunch, I mean it. It taste..." Asuka rambles on about the pride of the Germans and how their food taste so much better than everyone else. Now the normal Shinji would retaliate with an "I'm sorry." which Asuka would complain with how he's a spineless wimp. However he recently got his hand on some rare Naruto manga and Shinji starting to like Kakashi. And therefore he retaliates with…
"Huh? You say something?"
And Asuka loses a fuse, or consciousness for that matter.
Rei on the other hand is doing the usual stare out the window at her tree friend. Then at that moment she sees city workers with a chainsaw and a wood chipper. Put two and two together and…
"Excuse me Classroom Representative Horaki, but I have some urgent business to take care of." said Rei in her monotone voice and she walks out of the classroom.
"Where's she going?" asked Hikari.
"Dunno but check out Asuka. She's totally catatonic Awesome!" said Kensuke.
"Alright Shinji! You finally silenced the bitch in red." said Toji.
And fairly soon everyone started to worship Shinji the Silencer while he keeps reading Naruto. Meanwhile outside…
"Alright. You heard what the boss said. Tear down this tree!" said a random city worker.
"I'm afraid I won't allow you to do that." said a monotone voice. The workers turn around and see Rei.
"Hey little girl. Run along and play... hey, where'd you get that chainsaw?"
"I'm afraid I can't allow you to tear down my friend." said Rei as she revs up the chainsaw. She then calmly took down half the workers…did I say calmly? I meant…
"YOU SONS OF BITCHES! THIS WILL TEACH YOU TO MESS WITH MY TREE FRIEND! HELL, NOBODY MESSES WITH TREES! HELL NOBODY FUCKS AROUND WITH ME AND MY TREES!" yelled the raging blue-haired beast as she mauls through the workers.
"Don't kill us. We didn't want to tear this lovely tree down." one of the workers cowardly said. "It was our boss. He told us to tear down your friend. We love trees."
"Then I must kill this boss." Rei said as she reverted back to her monotone self. "And one more thing. If you ever touch another tree again I will personally see that me and 'my little friend' here will neuter you."
She at that moment slams down the chainsaw just inches away from their precious manhood. And every worker living fainted with stains on their pants.
Somewhere in the middle of the city…
"You heard me. Take out that tree in the park too. I hate trees!" said Boss.
"I won't allow you to hurt anymore of my tree friends" said the blue-haired assailant.
"Oh and who's going to stop me?" said Boss smugly. Rei then revved up her 'little friend' and proceeded to approach said Boss. "Did I say I hate trees, I meant I love them. They're so…woody."
"I'm afraid that won't work on me. Now, YOU WANNA FUCK WITH ME? OKAY! YOU WANT TO PLAY ROUGH? OKAY! Say 'Hello' to my little friend." she said in a genuine Al Pacino accent. (A/N: Damn. I've been watching Scarface too much) And pretty soon Tokyo-3 is filled with a blood curdling scream and maniacal laughter.
To this day nobody messed with the trees because once they did they'd have to face Rei and her 'little friend'. As for a certain class however, they formed a cult to worship 'Shinji the Silencer' with Shinji just sitting there reading Icha Icha Paradise. And as for Asuka, well….she's still catatonic.
A/N: And another reason why you should never mess with Rei. Remember to review. Now I got to work on D & R. Till next time. And review!