Tears of a confused mind

by DarkRaven-04

Hermione's life is upside down, she has powers she can't control and a fear that won't go away. She just wants to be left alone. Is that too much to ask? rNr!

13. Chapter13: Confessions of the mind

Tears of a confused mind.

Chapter 13: Confessions of the mind

Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Harry Potter series! I wish I did but I don't.

A.N thanks to everyone who reviewed.

Emma Barrows: thank you I'm glad you liked it, I'm sorry I took forever to update coughakicough you don't have to wait any longer.

lee74: You don't have to wait any more. thanks for your review.

paprika90: I can't say that I have watched that film :s. I'm really glad you liked this chapter because you are one of my favourite reviewers! about the class mates... within the next 3 chapters she will and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised! just watch this space!

marsfire2242: You don't have to worry about any of that now because I have a superb beta and she does it all for me! please let me know if this chapter meets your requirements. I promise I will review school show down by my next chapter, I'm just so busy with work and college.

lady-sanctuary: Thank you! you made my day!

asiangrl91: thanks keep reviewing!!

dracolov: ok I'd love to do the challenge. but I've got three stories on the go as it is. but I was reading your requirements and i think mine already fits in!! let me know about the challenge.

Last time...

As she left everyone in the hall thinking about what had just happened, nobody even noticed the tears that had escaped her eyes. Nobody except Dumbledore.

Outside the main hall Hermione's mind was racing.

What have I done?

She let the tears of her confused mind fall silently down her cheeks as she went out into the harsh winds of the Hogwarts grounds.

And on with the chapter...

Why did I have to be so stupid?

Plop

Why did I even go to the meeting?

Plop

I can't do anything right! Everywhere I go I make things a hell of a lot worse!

Plop

People's lives are hell because of me.

Plop

Hermione sighed, taking a seat by the lake on the chilly Hogwarts grounds. Unable to do anything but think about what she had just done. Was she proud of it? She did get the reaction she wanted...but was it worth it?

She was so confused.

Transfiguring her clothes into a pair of white Nike jogging bottoms and a navy blue vest top, she sat. Throwing stones into the murky water being the only thing she could think of doing.

Her mind was racing a hundred miles an hour but nothing seemed to make sense.

She couldn't comprehend a single thing in her mind.

Lost. Lost in her own mind. Lost of any reasonable thought. Lost of any straight emotion or feeling. Lost of the world she once knew. Lost of knowing everything and anything. The only thing she knew of now was pain. Pain and confusion.

She tossed the last stone and hugged her knees to her chest. Bringing her cold hands to her eyes, crying just let all the pain out of her body, what else could she do?

Hermione didn't hear the crunch of leaves behind her, or the breaking of twigs. She didn't feel the presence of somebody behind her or the gaze from that persons eyes. Hermione didn't hear the person draw their wand and cast a spell, she didn't even hear them sit beside her. She did however feel something wrap around her, a blanket.

She looked to the left where she saw Dumbledore come and sit down beside her.

'Thank you.'

'You are welcome Maya. It's freezing out here, why don't you come inside?'

'Is it? I don't feel the cold much anymore.'

'Why's that?'

'Dunno, I don't know much any more.'

Hermione gazed at her hands. She heard Dumbledore sigh next to her.

'Miss Granger...I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through over the last year. For somebody as young as you, you should never have experienced anything to the extent in which you have. But I however am a very old man and have met and experienced things too. I've always found that talking to someone and letting go of everything in your mind helps to get thoughts, feelings and everything else in order so you have a clear, organised mind.'

Hermione sat silent, slowly turning the words Dumbledore had just said round and round in her head.

Maybe if I do talk to someone...I can figure out what to do. But Dumbledore...? After what happened in the Hospital Wing? After what he kept from me?

But he's here now. Who else can I talk to...?

'Even if I did talk to someone, you for example, I really wouldn't know where to start, or what to say.'

'Well, I'm here now, so you can talk to me. And start from the beginning, before the Riddle Mansion and before you cutting. Tell me anything you want. The way you felt, why you felt like that. Anything you want to share.'

'Ok.'

Hermione was trying to get things into a reasonable order, hopefully she wouldn't have to back track herself. She thought it best to start at the beginning of last term.

Hermione took a deep, rattling breath and began.

'I suppose it all triggered about this time last year. Harry and Ron weren't returning any of my owls, it seemed like they had just forgotten all about me. I figured at first that they were probably at Grimmuald Place and weren't allowed to owl me, so I thought nothing of it. So on the first day of school I thought I'd see them on the train, but I didn't see them the whole journey. It was only when we got off the train when I saw them with Lavender and Ginny that I knew why they hadn't owled me or bothered with me. They had girlfriends now, they didn't need a 'girl friend'(A.N aint that a bitch?). It carried for what seemed like forever, I'd be left out of going out, they'd just forget about me. It seems so trivial now, after everything, that I got mad at that.'

She gave Dumbledore a weak smile, and he too smiled back. He just watched her start to pour her heart out. He just hoped that this would help her.

'I tried not to let it bother me, but at one point I did mention it to them, being the guys they said they were sorry and that they would try and include me, but that's when the girlfriends started. Calling me all sorts of names, trying to start fights and generally ganging up on me.

'I couldn't get around the fact that I had just lost all of my friends in the space of about a month. Of course, people started noticing that we weren't the 'Golden Trio' any more, and that all of the girls were using me as a punching bag...and those people questioned me about it...and then the Slytherin's got wind of it and I became their new target.'

Hermione stopped and gathered her breath. Dumbledore was shocked at the way the Gryffindor's had treated one of their own. Especially Hermione. He had no idea that any of this went on.

'The Slytherin's like to play, especially with a mud blood-Gryffindor-bookworm, once part of the golden trio. So they cornered me twice when I was on my rounds. It happened twice and it was always the same people.'

She wasn't sure what to say. Tell him who it was? What happened? She stared out at the open lake, totally oblivious to the fact that it was getting colder. Her mind was reliving the last year and she didn't like it. Just remembering what had happened to her made her feel like shit and worthless. A stray tear escaped her eye, she brushed it away before Dumbledore noticed.

'Who was it Maya?'

'Would it make a difference?'

'It might.'

'Blaise Zambini, Crabbe and Goyle.'

'What did they do?'

'Beat me around a bit and Zambini would try and --and.

She couldn't bare to mention it, but Dumbledore knew what she was trying to say. He just nodded in agreement.'You don't have to carry on if it's going to upset you.'

'No, I might as well.'

'If your sure.'

'I am.'

She took a deep breath and continued.

'Ok I suppose after the attacks I felt worthless. I had no friends any more and I couldn't walk down a corridor without getting a snide comment from a Slytherin or a former 'friend'. To have no friends left me feeling empty and trapped. I was trapped in a castle with no one. So that's when I had decided to cut. I figured New Year would be the best time because everyone would be partying that night and nobody would miss my presence anyway. I stole the knife from dinner a few nights before and kept it in my room. I just needed an escape from everything. It wasn't even the end of the year and my school life was hell. There was no way I could have kept sane if I had carried on. Well you know what happened next, with Harry and Ron. They accused me of attention seeking and said that I was selfish for doing that to them. I laughed. They had no idea what my life had been like up to that point.

'Its funny because even then I still couldn't be mad at them, I still went after them at the Riddle Mansion, even though they had forgotten me and treated me like crap. I still went and saved their lives. I still went and became a murderer for them. I STILL WENT AND KILLED PEOPLE, KILLED MYSELF AND MY FAMILY BECAUSE OF THEM. I GOT CURSED WITH THIS FUCKING 'POWER' BECAUSE OF THEM.'

Still hugging her knees, Hermione broke down. She couldn't help it anymore. The pain was crushing her chest and stopping her from breathing. The pain and torture were like a pillow over her face, suffocation her ever so slowly.

Dumbledore put his arm around the crying young girl. She was absolutely freezing, it hurt him to see her suffer so much.

'I-I-I thought th-th-that I'd-d-d never be clean-n aga-a-ain. I-I-I thought th-th-that I was the e-e-evilest p-p-person ever. I am the eveilest-t p-p-person ev-ever.'

'Hermione Granger, do not talk like that, you are not a evil person and I don't know what I have to say to make you feel differently.'

'Albus there is nothing you can say. I know what I am.'

There was silence between the two of them. He still had his arm around her, something about it was comforting to Hermione. What, she didn't know.

'Why am I friends with them? I just can't seem to get mad. They treated me like crap and were never there for me, not even when my parents died.'

'You miss them don't you?'

'Yes, I miss them so much it hurts. When, -when I found out that they died, it was the last straw. My world just collapsed around me. I was alone. No family and no friends. But in a way I still expected Ron and Harry to be there for me, to be there at the funeral. But they weren't. I guess it was then that I realised that I had no life, nothing and the best thing for me to do was to flee the wizarding world where I was a murderer and where I had caused so much misery. And the Death Eater attack was the sheer sign that I had to go. I just knew I didn't belong in your world any more.'

'Maya, this is your world, this is where you belong. I don't understand why you can't accept the fact that you are the people's saviour. You saved our world.'

'Please just stop, I can't take it any more, you, Minerva, Snape! Everyone telling me and I know its not true! I thought that maybe coming back, finding Dray and talking to Harry and Ron that I might have been able to figure something out, but I just can't! People telling me this just doesn't make it any easier! I'm so confused about who I am, what I am and who I'm supposed to be that I can't think straight. I can't think about Dray and the connection we had, I can't think about being back in this world and wondering if this is where I belong. I just can't!'

Hermione was getting more and more frustrated with herself. Talking really wasn't helping her, it was just making things more and more confusing for her.

'I thought, I just thought that when I found Dray and came back here that things might possibly have changed.'

'Things have changed-'

'NO THEY HAVEN'T. I'm still the same murderer I was before I left, those letters and voices prove that! And it they also prove that I'm not accepted here! I'm always being watched! Whether it be by you or the Death Eaters that are after me. I can't escape from anywhere! I can't escape any pain.'

'Hermione! you are not a murderer! You do belong here and people have accepted you into this world, your world as the one who saved it!'

'I bet the Avery Family doesn't think so!'

'...Avery Family?'

'Yes, the family I saw in my dream laps. I bet they think I'm a murderer, I ruined their family. I ruined my own family!'

'Maya, Avery was a Death Eater, the second he joined forces with Voldermort he ruined his family's life. You didn't do that, and you didn't ruin your family's life either!'

Hermione was angry. Her eyes were getting darker and darker, and a tinge of red was circling her. She jumped up and stood by the lake. If she was by Dumbledore, she wouldn't be able to be held responsible for her actions. Dumbledore saw what was happening and felt guilty about getting her angry.

'You have no idea Albus. You have no idea what's it like to watch your mother and father being beaten and raped, while you stand there and do nothing! To watch as they're being taunted, blaming me. You have no idea what it's like to hear the screams of your parents being beaten because of what you've done. Don't sit there and tell me that's not my fault. Just don't.'

Tears where streaming down her face again.

'I can't stand being me. I can't stand being a murderer, the one who killed her mother, father and unborn brother. I can't stand feeling all this pain any more. I just want to be the old me. The person who didn't have a care in the world, who had friends, who had parents. I don't want to be me any more.'

'What do you want.'

Dumbledore got up and stood next to her. (a.n obviously not right next to her. She's still pissed off.)

'I-I-I want, I want to be alone. I just don't want to be close to anyone any more. I don't trust myself. They'll just get hurt. I, I just want some time to figure out me.'

She looked up teary eyed at her Headmaster. He looked back at her with concern. There was silence between the two for a long time.

'What are you going to do?'

'About what?'

'Mr. Malfoy mainly, but Harry and Ron too. I can tell the staff about what you've told me and about what you want but I think that its best if you tell those three.'

'Ok. I suppose yes it would be better from me. I'll erm, I'll talk to Dray today.'

'Are you sure this is what you want Maya?'

'Yes, yes this is what I want.'

'Ok, Maya, then I can't change your mind. I hope that in due time you can rejoin us and accept what we know of you. If you ever wish to speak to someone Maya, you know where my office is.'

'Yes sir, and thank you.'

'Not a problem Maya. O and I hope to see you at breakfast tomorrow so we can continue the meeting?'

'Yes sir.'

With the end of their conversation, Dumbledore made his way back up to the castle. He hoped deep down that it wouldn't take her long to figure her self out. He wouldn't like to think of what might happen if she ran again. Or if she isolated herself totally. He hoped that maybe Draco could talk some sense into her.

Hermione made her way back up to the heads tower. She was thinking over what she was going to say to him. It wasn't going to be easy and she knew it. But it had to be done. It just had to be. She knew he'd be waiting for her, and most likely be angry. Just let him get on with it and then you can say what you want. Hermione reached the portrait and gave the password. She stepped through the portrait hole.

'Finally.'

Hermione didn't want to fight with him, it was going to be hard enough as it was.

'I'm sorry.'

'O you're sorry! It's not me you should be apologising to! What the hell got into you?'

'I don't know.'

'You don't know! Well that's good to know. How could you be so rude Maya! That's not you!'

'I know.'

'Well, what was your problem?'

'Dray, please don't. I don't want to fight. I have to talk to you and it's going to be hard enough as it is without us screaming at each other. Please, can we just talk?'

Draco looked at her with confusion. He knew he wasn't going to like this conversation, he could just feel it.

'Ok, I don't want to fight with you either. It's just the person at the meeting wasn't the girl I'm crazy about.'

Hermione couldn't look at him. It was too hard. She sat down on one of the sofas, and Draco sat down next to her. He took her hand in his. She didn't even fight it. What was the point, she was going to crush him now anyway.

'Look before I start I need you to promise me you aren't going to interruptme. I have to say it and it would be easier if you just waited till the end.'

'Ok, sure. But can I just ask what happened in the hospital wing. Why were you so cold with me, McGonagal and Dumbledore?'

'Ok, I suppose I can start there. Well, when I was in a dream laps I saw three things. I saw the Avery family being told that Fredrick Avery was killed. That's when I was at the Riddle Mansion. I saw how hurt they were, and their little girl was crushed. I couldn't believe what I had done.'

'Maya-'

'No you said you'd listen. The next thing I saw was my parents. The night they were killed. I saw the Death Eaters come and beat them, I saw one of them rape my mother and-'

'It's ok. You don't have to tell me.'

'No you asked. I saw them being killed and there was nothing I could do to save them.'

She took a deep breath and was fighting back the tears, there was no way she would let herself cry.

'The last thing I saw which upset me the most was my parents at St.Mungos. Dumbledore was there and McGonagal. The healer told them that my mother was pregnant. I had a brother and I killed him.'

'Ma-'

'No. I told you, please just let me finish. I was upset when I came around for two reasons. One because Dumbledore and McGonagal had kept that from me, but also because I realised that everyone I was around I hurt. There is not one person that I can get close to and not hurt one way or another. Seeing those things confused me a lot and I just don't know what to do anymore.'

'Maya, you know that I'm here. I want to help you, I know it won't be easy but if it means were together then I want to.'

'Draco-'

Hermione couldn't help it, she let some tears escape her eyes. Draco noticed and grabbed her chin, he pulled it up and looked her in the eyes. He wiped away some of her falling tears with his thumb and waited for her to continue.

'Look, I have to figure out what's going on in my head. I have to figure out what I'm going to do and who the hell I am. And...and I don't think I can do that if I'm around people. I just want to be on my own for a while. Please understand that I can't stand being me anymore. I can't stand feeling all this pain any more, I have to find myself-'

'Stop, I don't want to hear anymore. Just don't do this.'

Draco got up and walked over to the fire place. He scratched the back of his head, fighting the tears. He couldn't believe this.

'Dray please , you don't understand. If you are around me then you'll end up getting hurt. I know that if you don't know me then you can change the world for the better. You're Head Boy and I can see you in ten years time with a wife and kids working at the ministry-'

'Bullshit. Please don't patronise me. Let me tell you a few things Maya. When you left the club, it felt like I had lost you, I barely even knew you! Since you've been back in my life everything's just been going right-'

'No, I don't want to hear this.'

'I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU WANT.'

Hermione looked at him with frightened eyes. He never meant to shout. I couldn't bare to loose her.

'Maya, please listen to me. You don't seem to understand that what you just said, God I just lost everything. You may not think that but I've lost much more than pride. After everything that's happened it just seems now that happiness is getting further away, and I need a miracle now.'

He walked over to a crying Hermione and knelt in front of her. He had tears in his eyes and it crushed him to see her like this.

'How-how can I change the world, if I can't even change your mind. Just try and understand that when I walked into Dumbledore's office and we kissed, you gave me heaven, and now you are taking it away from me.'

'Dray, I'm so sorry-'

'I don't want your apology, please I want you.'

'I can't, please. Please don't do this.'

There was no way he could let her go. He got onto his knees and pushed his lips onto hers. Tears streaming down both their faces. He had to convince her to stay with him. He just had to. Hermione pushed him back with all her strength and jumped up from the sofa.

'Dray! I can't be who you want me to be.'

'You are who I want. You just can't see! Please don't leave to find your self.'

'I HAVE TO.'

Draco was silent. This was it, there was no way of changing her mind now. He failed. He lost he lost her for good.

'Ok.'

Draco could only say it in the smallest voice he possibly could. Saying it made it real and he couldn't bare it.

'Thank you. Please don't be mad at me.'

'How can I be mad at someone I love?'

Hermione didn't know what to say. Did she love him? Yes. Was she going to tell him? No. They both stood on either side of the room just staring at each other. Not knowing that on the other side of the castle there was three people watching the scene.

'Albus, this is your fault! If you hadn't told her to be alone then they would still be together! Now what are we going to do?'

'Minerva calm down, I have faith in the boy!'

On the other side of the room, Snape was watching the pair closely through the mirror.

'He just said he loved her.'

Dumbledore and McGonagal came rushing over to the mirror in time to see Hermione walk up her stair case and into her bedroom. The three of them watched as Draco seemed to battle with his mind. Just watching the space in which she once stood. They watched as Draco closed his eyes and let a tear fall before going to his own room.

'Well any bright ideas now Albus?!'

'Give her time, she'll come around.'

'But what if she doesn't. What about the script?'

'I trust her and you need to trust my judgement.'

'Albus I'm with Minerva on this. What if she doesn't come around and runs again? She saved our world once but if she doesn't figure things out then that's it, bye bye to our world!''I'm aware of the implications Severus, but I have faith in our saviour.'

A.N that was long!! I hope you all enjoyed it! big hugs to my reviewers and BIG thanks to aki my beta. so please review and tell me what you think!

raven

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