American Gothic Passion Play
byline: Anubis C. Soundwave
4. Truthfully, I'm so over ghosts.
Danny flies into his bedroom, scowling as he reverts to normal. "My head's still not clear," he mutters as he exits his room and heads downstairs to the kitchen. "I...I failed Sam. And I failed him..."
"Failed who, son?" asks Jack.
Danny kicks the floor a moment. "You see!?" he spits. "You see why I don't believe in God? Where are all of the angels to protect good people from the sick stupidity of bad ones when you really need them?"
"Danny," says Jack, "that's a pretty childish reason to discount the existence of an omnipotent supernatural intelligence."
Danny stares at Jack.
"Do you honestly think that God is literally a magical sky fairy," continues Jack. "That he can just wave his almighty wand and make evil disappear?"
"Not in those terms," says Danny, "but...that's pretty much the definition of omnipotence."
"If God used his omnipotence in that way, then I'd think he was evil myself," says Jack. "I wouldn't want to worship a jerk who ostensibly gave each of us free will only to yank it away from every idiot who fucks up."
"But if he's the supreme creator of the universe," says Danny, "then he sets the rules."
"Like a killer game master," says Jack.
"Dad, life isn't a damned RPG!" spits Danny.
"Are you kidding me?" counters Jack. "Real life is the ultimate RPG. Your vital stats are entirely random, culled primarily from the stats and decisions of other players," he continues, pointing to a family portrait with Danny as a toddler.
"What are you talking about?" snorts Danny. "When do I get to decide where to devote my skill points?"
"Somewhere around age two," says Jack sardonically.
"When am I up for my class change? How do I gain levels? Who's the final boss?" demands Danny.
"Christianity's answer to the last one would probably be 'Satan'," says Jack.
"Then who's the hero? Who's the bad guy?" asks Danny.
"We are," says Jack.
"Which one?" asks Danny.
"Both. Good and evil. The world we live in is all user-generated content in the most lethal MMORPG ever made," continues Jack, "We can all be killed in one hit by anything strong enough, and no one has ever seen the ending credits to post them on YouTube."
Danny studies.
"Which is good, as far as I'm concerned," says Jack, "because I hate spoilers, and the game effectively never ends. It doesn't require a single player character with an infinity plus one sword to beat whatever quest hook life throws at you."
"Why would that be a good thing?" asks Danny.
Jack places his hand on Danny's shoulder. "Because it means you're completely free. You don't have to say 'yes' to every adventure hook, or follow sidequests you don't like, such as: 'be the Ravens' mascot', which you're kicking yourself for not wanting to do."
"Sam could have been hurt or killed," says Danny. "I should have been there."
"You weren't," says Jack, "but someone else was able to save the princess. Furthermore, even if you were there, you might have been powerless to do anything...without revealing your secret. Dash Baxter," he continues, "doesn't have a secret identity to keep. It was his decision to be the good guy that night, albeit due to selfish reasons such as: 'I like Sam and I didn't want her to be gang-raped by the same jocks who treat my football team like tackling dummies'."
Danny rolls his eyes. "He has his moments," he says.
"Take it from a tabletop vet whose $350 die you melted in the microwave," says Jack with a thin smile.
"You had that coming," pouts Danny. "You touched my dice and stole all of my natural twenties. That required atonement." Smiling, Danny leaves the kitchen.
"I figured you owed me for all the wife-breast time you hogged from me when you were little!" quips Jack.
"Breast milk is best for developing minds and bodies, Dad," says Danny wryly as he exits Fenton Works through the front door.
Jack chuckles. "The players may change," he sighs, "but the story never ends."
Dad has the most fucked-up way of putting things into perspective, grins Danny, as the Phantom. Still, he continues, I feel responsible.
Time to focus, Danny muses, on what I can do in the here and now. After making himself invisible, Danny phases into Zack's cell at the county jail, where Zack finishes a prayer with Ephraim.
"Zachary," says Ephraim gravely, "if you are sincere in your heart, then Adonai will hear your pleas from heaven and forgive your sins."
Zack frowns, looking into Ephraim's eyes.
"Make no mistake," continues Ephraim, hardening his gaze. "The Baxters saved you from yourself, you fool."
"Gramps?" wonders Zack, flabbergasted.
"Please do me the simple courtesy," says Ephraim, cold, "of not lying to my face. Samantha fully intends to press charges. Learn from this, Zachary," he continues, turning his back, "as it's clear that you will heed no other instruction." Ephraim exits the cell as the guard opens it.
Zack trembles.
After Ephraim and the guard leave, the Phantom materializes and laughs.
Zack grabs the Phantom and pins him against the wall before the halfa can think. "What the fuck are you laughing at?" he demands.
"You, shithead," the Phantom snorts. "Are you mad that your granddad isn't nodding his head to your lies, asshole?" he mocks as he phases easily out of Zack's grip.
"Who the hell do you think you are!?" roars Zack.
"The friend you've never had," says the Phantom. "The one guy who will tell you 'no' until it pierces your granite skull and you understand."
"I didn't do anything!" spits Zack.
"Oh! That's right. That's the bullshit you were going to tell your grandfather: a man who wants to believe you, and believe in you, but can't," says the Phantom. "Mr. Mendelsohn has always been in your corner, but even he gets tired of your crap."
"Go. The fuck. Away," seethes Zack.
"I can disappear," says the Phantom as he turns invisible, "but how will you know I'm gone?"
"I don't expect you to understand," scowls Zack.
"What's to understand!?" balks the Phantom as he reappears. "You're a muscle-bound goon who thinks Sam Manson is hot, didn't appreciate the fact that she spurned you, and thought he could take what he wanted."
Livid, Zack throws a punch at the Phantom, but only hits air as the Phantom becomes intangible.
"Seriously, dude?" chuckles the Phantom. "You're not even the scariest thing I've fought that had a hard-on for your cousin." He blows a sports whistle.
"What's with the whistle?" asks Zack.
A pale blue dragon and a black dragon phase their heads into the cell.
The black dragon glowers at Zack. "She is mine, you insolent fool..." it hisses, with streams of blue flame flaring out of its nostrils.
The blue dragon bumps its head into the black one. "Knock it off, Aragon," it says in a glib, feminine voice. "My brother's a jerk, too, as you can see," it continues tersely to Zack as it narrows its eyes. "My name is Dora."
"I just thought I'd show you what is part of my normal, quiet day," says the Phantom, petting the blue dragon's nose.
Zack stares at the Phantom and the two spectral dragons.
"If you know what's good for you," says the Phantom, "you'll own up to what you've done, and repent for real. It will save your life, and your soul." He blows the whistle and sends Aragon and Dora off.
Zack stares at the Phantom a moment, then laughs harshly. "I didn't do shit to her!" he snickers. "That's the sad part."
"You drugged her with the full intent to have your way with her," says the Phantom.
"Got any proof?" smirks Zack, smug. "Because Baxter's bitch of a mom doesn't have any proof that I did anything to Sam or any of those little sluts trying to pin a rape charge on me."
"You sound so innocent," sneers the Phantom. "Why, you're as pure as the driven snow."
"Think about this, genius," counters Zack. "For all you know, Baxter's mom might be covering for him. Baxter's the one who dragged Sam off from the Nasty Burger."
"Granted," says the Phantom. "Except, from the reports I've heard, Miss Manson was slobbering all over Dash, and-even drugged-was still pushing you away."
"What's your point?" asks Zack.
"Oh, I don't doubt that Dash is capable of such a dick move," says the Phantom. "It's child's play. I just don't think that a guy who intended to fuck a girl he had drugged for that purpose would leave the girl un-fucked in his room-the last place he should think to commit sexual assault-call his mother, then call an ambulance-who would be able to confirm if he had committed the assault and if the girl was drugged-and the girl's parents."
Zack scrunches his forehead.
"Now, it could have been any one of the Ravens, or any one of your teammates," the Phantom continues, "but that's crazy. You and I both know that you drugged Sam Manson, planning to have a real good time with her."
"Why are you a hillbilly all of a sudden?" balks Zack.
"Something I picked up from a late relative of mine in Georgia," says the Phantom glibly.
"Late...?" wonders Zack.
"Yeah," says the Phantom. "He got shot for being a douche. If you want to avoid the same fate, then you'll heed my advice. Goodbye," he says as he phases outside through the cell wall...as Covington enters the cell with with a guard.
Trembling as he notes the Phantom's exit, Covington orders the guard out. "I have to counsel my student in private," he explains. "I don't want his grades to suffer."
The guard nods and leaves.
Covington sits on the bed.
Zack sits next to him. "Your eyes do not deceive you, Covie," he grins sardonically. "I've got Amity Park's superhero shadowing me for no logical reason."
"Indeed," says Covington, a quizzical expression on his face. "Mrs. Baxter has no proof, correct?" he asks.
"None," says Zack. "Not for the Manson girl or any of the others trying to sue me."
"What about the two student suicides?" asks Covington.
"I don't deny that I slept with those two in two separate one-night stands," he says, "but they were willing. It's not my fault that either girl lost her shit thinking there was more between us than bodily fluids."
Covington stands stiffly, glaring at Zack. "I have no incentive to disbelieve you, Zack," he says. "Just keep in mind that one of those girls who 'lost her shit' was my daughter, who had a promising future before you blighted her existence."
Zack shrugs.
"I'm going now," continues Covington as the guard reenters the cell block and opens the cell. "If all goes well, you should be out within a week, and Elmerton High will sue the Sands Law Firm for defamation of character on your behalf."
"Thanks," grunts Zack.
Scowling, Covington exits the cell and leaves the cell block with the guard.
Outside the jail near Zack's cell, the Phantom phases his hand invisibly into the wall and pulls out nothing...which turns into a Fenton Recorder.
It's an MP3 recording device with the word 'Fenton' on it, quips the Phantom to himself as he flies away.
A week later.
Lindsay finishes questioning her last witness for Zack's hearing: a sullen Dash.
"Thank you, Mr. Baxter," says Lindsay with an understanding look in her eyes.
Dash scowls, tensing his fists.
The judge grants Dash permission to step down. "Does this conclude your questioning, Mrs. Sands-Baxter?" asks the judge as Dash leaves the stand.
Lindsay opens her mouth to answer. "Yes, Your-*"
The Phantom appears, rising from the chair in the witness stand. "Objection!" he cries, pointing his left finger at Lindsay.
The Fentons stare at the Phantom in disbelief; Jack starts to remove his suit jacket and tie, but Maddie stops him with a reproving glare.
"The ghost," hisses Valerie.
"This case is enough of a media circus as it is," adds Damon. "Sam has been through enough."
Sam stares at the Phantom, confused. What is he doing, she wonders, and why is he making a mockery of Phoenix Wright?
The Phantom sighs. "Of course," he says, "since you're the prosecutor, I should point my right finger at you before I present what I have. However," he continues, "since Sam Manson, the Baxter family, and the town of Amity Park is on trial in the court of public opinion, I thought Phoenix Wright's pose was more fitting."
"He actually has an explanation," mutters Sam.
"But to the reason I'm here," continues the Phantom, setting an MP3 recorder on the witness chair. "Mrs. Sands-Baxter, you still have one more witness."
Lindsay, struggling to remain calm, looks through her legal pad. "I fail to see how, Mr. Phantom," she says. "I submitted my list of witnesses, who have all given their preliminary testimony."
"Then you don't know about this one," smiles the Phantom. "I call, on the State's behalf," he continues as he presses PLAY, "the spirit of the late Gwendolyn Staci Covington to the stand."
Instead of the expected audio, a ghost emerges from the recorder: a blonde with green eyes.
Covington trembles, his skin a pale white. "G-gwen..." he breathes. "I'm... Forgive me..."
Zack elbows his lawyer. "Say something!" he hisses.
The lawyer nods, rising to his feet. "Objection!" he blurts. "The dead c-cannot testify in a court of law!"
"Overruled," says the judge, a bit discomfited himself. "While this is unorthodox," he continues, "there is past case precedent to consider, including State v. Carlisle and the reopening of State v. Petersen in light of the Carlisle verdict."
The lawyer stares at the judge.
Zack grabs the lawyer and whispers heatedly into the latter's ear.
"This witness is inadmissible," says the lawyer as he straightens his jacket and tie. "She is a hostile witness to my client, and her testimony will be unreliable."
"Actually," counters Lindsay, squaring her shoulders, "as this witness is already dead, she has no motive to deceive the court. I accept the witness."
Dash sits next to Sam. "That's Gwen," he whispers.
"I know," says Sam. "Remember our first debate against Elmerton?"
"Yeah," says Dash. "She kicked our collective ass."
"That's because you were still stuck in ad hominem mode," says Sam. "Even Valerie couldn't save us from that one."
"Her blonde roots were showing under her black hair rinse," grins Dash. "I couldn't help myself."
Gwendolyn smiles at Dash and Sam, then scowls at Zack.
The bailiff presents a Bible to Gwendolyn; she rises from the chair, swears on the Bible, then resumes her seat.
"I tender the witness to you, Mrs. Sands-Baxter," says the Phantom, disappearing through the ceiling.
"Mr. Covington," says Lindsay to Covington, who earnestly studies the blonde attorney, "in light of your late daughter's testimony, I have only one question for you."
"Yes?" asks Covington, bracing himself for Lindsay's next words.
"Did she lie?" asks Lindsay gently.
"Stall," mouths Zack's lawyer to Covington. "Please stall."
Covington touches his chin in thought.
"Please allow me to elaborate," says Lindsay. "I know how difficult it can be to have yourself at cross-purposes with your child," she continues, nodding towards Dash. "That's why I'm asking you. I'm after the truth; that's all."
"So...?" says Covington slowly, in a daze.
"Can you honestly state, before the people in this court, that your daughter lied under oath?" asks Lindsay.
Covington looks around the courtroom, his expression blank; he returns his focus to Lindsay. "No, Mrs. Baxter," he states, "I cannot."
"The...fuck..!?" hisses Zack inaudibly.
"I have no further questions of this witness," says Lindsay, calm.
The judge permits Covington to step down; Covington leaves the witness stand, breathing a sigh of relief.
The lawyer stares at Zack a moment, then stands. "I would like to request a fifteen-minute recess," he says to the judge.
The judge grants a recess of thirty minutes, which both attorneys accept.
Danny enters the courtroom, hiding a Fenton Thermos in his backpack. He slides into a seat next to Jack and Maddie.
Zack, glowering at Covington, enters a side room with his lawyer and Eisinger.
"What's with them?" asks Danny.
"Thanks to a certain superhero's flair for drama," grins Maddie wryly, "Zack's chances of winning are shot."
"What kept you from witnessing all of the chaos the Phantom caused?" adds Jack, a canny look in his eyes.
"I had one too many leftover Nasty Burgerritos before coming here," says Danny glibly, "so I had to bomb the county facilities."
"You did wash your hands, didn't you, young man?" admonishes Maddie.
"Of course, Mom," snorts Danny. "I was raised in Fenton Works, not a barn."
"Were you working, son?" whispers Jack.
"That part's not my fault," pouts Danny. "I'll obviously have to explain later."
"Let's step out to the FFAV for some lemon-limeade," says Maddie. "The court's in recess."
Danny sighs. "Fine," he says, standing. Danny leaves the courtroom with his parents.
Sam rises from her chair, touching Dash on the shoulder. "Go to your mom," she says. "She needs to look at something that makes sense."
"Tell me about it, Manson," grins Dash. "Bring me a lemon-limeade, if you feel like it."
"I'll think about it," says Sam. She leaves after the Fentons, glancing at Ephraim in pity.
A month passes.
Danny, Tucker, and Sam are in Sam's arcade gameroom, watching a press conference.
"I think that Justice had all of her sensory organs removed," balks Danny, seething at the subject of the press conference: Zack Mendelsohn. "Vlad Masters is still doing more hard time for less-and he had the decency to turn himself in."
"Dude," says Tucker, "Vlad's not doing any real time. He's in a cushy federal prison and still making money."
"And Vlad's still going to do everything in his power to seduce your mom when he gets out-and no one will ever know the truth," says Sam. "Zack may be out, and he'll be back playing football," she continues, "but it's on public record what he's already done."
Tucker studies a man sitting next to Zack. "He looks familiar..." he says aloud.
"A question for Mr. Showenhower," says a reporter. "What's your role in Zack's continued rehabilitation?"
The man, Showenhower, smiles. "I firmly believe that America," he says, "is the land of second chances, for both Mr. Mendelsohn and myself."
"What the fuck!?" spits Danny. "That's Freakshow! They let him out again!?"
"Just think of all of the criminals that escape prison in comic books, Danny," says Tucker.
"Even the Joker has to stage prison breaks!" counters Danny. "Let me guess: 'Fred Showenhower' met Zack during one of those stupid 'scared straight' sessions and they bonded." Danny mock-gags at the thought.
"Flies are drawn to shit and garbage, Danny," says Sam.
"Freakshow has a job with Elmerton High as a 'youth counselor' for the football team," says Tucker.
"How long until Freakshow tries to take over the world again?" asks Danny.
"He won't be stupid enough to try the same crap again, Danny," says Sam, "so...two months, tops."
"...in other regional news, Vladimir 'Vlad' Masters will be released in three months," says the anchor.
"Ah, good," says Danny. "That's how much time we have to put a stop to Freakshow's shenanigans." He transforms.
"Come on," groans Sam. "That press conference was live."
"And I want to get to Elmerton to welcome 'Fred' home," smirks Danny, as the Phantom.
"...yeah, you do that, Zack," grins Fred, opening the door to his apartment. "Put on your 'power suit'. Me, I'm just glad to see my red hair again. Really brings out my eyes..."
Fred scowls as he enters the living room, noting an eerie red glow from his bric-a-brac. "...I'll call you back," he sighs. "I have unexpected company... Yeah, bye."
Fred hangs up his cell phone. "'Unexpected' and unwelcome company," he sneers. "Don't you know that breaking and entering is against the law?"
The Phantom materializes. "You didn't mind me or other ghosts breaking into others' homes," he counters.
"But now," says Fred, nodding his head, "I understand how they feel: invaded. Violated."
"Spare me your fake outrage," says the Phantom, folding his arms.
"I get it, okay?" sighs Fred. "It's hard for me to believe, too," he continues, "but yes: I've turned over a new leaf. I'm starting a new chapter in my life: one where I will be able to help a troubled young man stay on the straight and narrow."
"Look, do me a favor and tie me some balloon animals," snorts the Phantom, "because I'm not buying your current routine."
"I was never a clown, you little shit!" seethes Fred.
"You can't help yourself, really," says the Phantom, a wry smile on his face. "You're a power-hungry asshole. Frankly, I'm surprised you've taken it far enough to not have Lydia mug me."
"Lydia and I...are divorced," smiles Fred. "We've parted ways: rather amicably, I'd say. Truthfully," he continues, "I'm so over ghosts."
"Good. Then I know that your next scheme will be mildly original," grins the Phantom.
"What scheme!?" scoffs Fred. "I've got a full-time job as a counselor to sweaty teenage jocks-my calendar is booked." He presents a black book to the Phantom. "Look through that," says Fred, "and tell me where I can pencil in 'world domination'."
"Please!" counters the Phantom, paging through the book. "You've got Zack Mendelsohn to play as your patsy, and he has command of over twenty or so able-bodied hench-jocks."
"This is harassment," says Fred, opening his cell phone. "I'm calling the police."
"Don't bother," says the Phantom, tossing the book back to Fred. "If you'll grant me the courtesy of not insulting my intelligence," he continues, "then I'll pretend to give you the benefit of the doubt."
"Get out," spits Fred, "and take your sidekick with you."
Dani Phantom appears. "I am not a sidekick!" she spits.
"Fine: 'distaff counterpart'," snorts Fred.
"How about: 'partner'!?" Dani demands.
"Come on, Dani," says the Phantom. "His mask will fall off sooner or later," he continues, "and we'll be waiting to shut him down." He leaves, followed by Dani.
The red glow from the bric-a-brac decor fades. Fred chuckles. "They are so fucking clueless," he whispers as he enters his bedroom.
NEXT: When angels fall...