Chapter 35

Sadness

Cameron was very worried about her imminent destruction. She'd been going into combat almost daily as well as nightly. She kept receiving cosmetic damage to her face as well as her body. Her one breast had been destroyed twice. The last time the nipple failed to regenerate. It was already several weeks since it happened. Cameron thought the damage was permanent. Now she never wanted John to see her topless again. Cameron was ashamed she was no longer whole. Only Vanna or Allison were allowed to assist her in her repairs.

Cameron asked Vanna about it anyway.

"Can you see anything?" Cameron asked. "There is not even a slight pigmentation change on the end."

Vanna looked with a magnifying glass. She knew Cameron already checked with her enhanced vision.

"No, Cameron, there is nothing there or showing it is going to be there." Vanna said. "It has been weeks, I do not think it is coming back. That breast will no longer have nipple on it. I can try to fabricate one and graft it."

Vanna knew they could take one off of one of the damaged Terminators that Cameron brought back. It would be off a male but maybe her sheath could take it from there and regenerate it back to 'normal'.

Cameron looked upset and depressed. Those were both very human emotions. Her attitude was also very human about it.

"No. Don't bother, this chassis is expendable. I no longer care…." Cameron said. "That is going to happen to my face as well. It is just a matter of time. John will never want me now."

Cameron was ashamed she was now permanently damaged.

It saddened Allison to hear Cameron talk like this. She could only picture the torment in her mind.

"Cameron, you can't nurse, it is only cosmetic. It does not matter." Allison said. "John will still accept you even if you are not one hundred percent. That is what love is about."

Cameron saw Vanna touch the area her scar was in on her lower abdomen. It made her feel bad now that she'd said anything. She knew Vanna was very troubled about not being one hundred percent for Allison. It was clear to her that Allison loved Vanna just as much, even with her defect. That is what she tried to get across about John. The person or individual was more than their just their appearance.

Vanna removed her hand. She looked at Allison and smiled. She knew Allison loved her just the way she was. It also gave her a new idea.

"Can you use Allison's DNA and Resequence your chassis processor to re-initiate your sheath?" Vanna asked. "I know you can Resequence your entire sheath to a different appearance with new DNA. This would re-establish your DNA code with that of Allison's. Take a sample of Allison's DNA and visit a genetics lab at night when no one is around for the coding."

That concept made Cameron think. Maybe this was one way to 'get away from it all'. John chose Riley over her before. Maybe if she regenerated and Resequenced to a different appearance with someone else's DNA he would be better satisfied.

"That might work. Maybe I should change my entire DNA code to a different one. Cameron said. "I could start over. I could be a 'new' person. I think I will try that. I've wanted to be someone different for a long time anyway."

Cameron thought that first when they returned from Serrano Point near Avila Beach. That was when she first saw Riley and that John was fixated on her. It was clear he picked someone different than her. She was right there in front of him everyday. She'd made several attempts to indicate to him she was available for other things.

Vanna and Allison both hoped Cameron would not Resequence herself to a different DNA sample.

Cameron thought about her life and what she really was. Allison said it herself. She was not a real female. She could not nurse or reproduce. She was a machine. She was a very scary robot masquerading as a human female. It was all an illusion. It was a lie. She was still a machine at the end of the day.

She made a decision about her future. It was time to step aside and let John have a real life. Who was she fooling anyway? Maybe it was only herself.

"Vanna, Allison." Cameron said.

Cameron seemed very serious to them.

"Yes?" They both asked as they looked at her.

Cameron thought they were both beautiful. They were good people too. She understood why Future John wanted them.

She looked at Vanna and Allison and smiled at them.

"I want either of you or both of you to be with John." Cameron said. "I no longer wish to be in his life…."

There was a strained moment of silence.

"What?" They both asked as they looked at her.

Cameron explained what she wanted and why. It was time they took their rightful place at John's side, just as it was in her future. It was the way it was supposed to be. It was the 'Natural Order' of time. It was what Future John wanted for John now.

She was deeply troubled over this. The closer to Vanna and especially Allison that she became brought up repressed memories. Her hand would glitch almost all the time when she remembered the future. Her past actions from her future seemed to stalk and haunt her.

Cameron increasing felt plagued with guilt when she was around Allison. Her memories of Future Allison filled her mind. It soon became an obsession. The more she tried to suppress the memories the more vivid they were the next time they came up. She was near the breaking point. The guilt and remorse only got worse.

Later on:

Cameron passed by the recreation room. She saw Vanna, Allison and John playing with Savannah. Cameron thought Vanna looked even prettier now that Vanna 'asked' Savannah if she could color her hair the same as hers. Savannah thought that was a great idea. She liked it because that way Vanna could look like mommy and her. Savannah thought it would be nice if John changed his hair the same color too.

She watched them for awhile. Her repressed memories started to flood her thoughts. She felt the guilt and remorse flood her. It was even worse this time. It seemed every time she thought of it, it was worse than the time before. She felt confused. She wanted to get away from it all. She left and made it as far as Vanna and Allison's room. She started to glitch all over. It was not just her hand this time. It was her whole body. The door was open so she went inside.

Cameron went to the furthest corner and squeezed in between a dresser and the wall. She pulled her knees up to her chin, wrapped her arms around them, placed her head against them and started to cry.

Allison played with Savannah for awhile. John and Vanna were there too. That made it a special treat for all of them.

Allison returned to her room. She heard crying and saw someone in the corner. That didn't make any sense. She'd left Vanna in the recreation room. Who else would be in her room crying? She went over to see.

She was a little shocked at what she found.

"Cameron?" Allison asked.

Allison was actually confused at this point.

The crying increased.

"Cameron, what's wrong?" Allison asked.

At this point she very worried.

Allison knelt beside her. She took Cameron's hand and held it. Cameron looked up at her. Her face was flooded in tears.

"Allison?" Cameron asked.

Cameron felt very confused.

"Yes. I'm here, Cameron. What's wrong?' Allison asked. "Do you want me to get John?"

That was the last thing Cameron wanted at this point.

"No!" Cameron said.

Allison was very confused and felt tearful herself. It hurt her deeply to see Cameron in this kind of pain. It was the kind of pain that never went away.

The guilt and shame was overwhelming for Cameron as she looked up at Allison as she tried to comfort her. Here was the person she hurt in her future tying to help her.

"Allison, I am so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?" Cameron asked.

Allison was really confused by that statement.

"Forgive you for what? You've done nothing bad to me." Allison said.

Cameron knew what happened. She was there.

"Allison, I took you away from John and Savannah." Cameron said.

That wasn't why Allison left them in the recreation room.

"No, I left to come back here on my own." Allison said. "I wanted to get my sweater."

Cameron's crying intensified.

"In MY Future I took you away from Future John and Future Savannah." Cameron said.

Cameron paused.

"Future John loved you and you loved him. You were trying to have a child together. You wanted to start a family." Cameron said. "I destroyed all of that."

Allison pulled Cameron close to her as she tried to comfort her.

"I am barren, Allison. I can not give John a child, his child. I destroyed that dream. I am a terrible 'creature', Allison." Cameron said. "I prevented Future John from having children."

That revelation made Allison think of more recent events and things that might have happened.

"Is that why as 'Bob' that you never interfered when I made advances at John?" Allison asked.

Allison thought because of John's excellent health in the future that he could have fathered a child with her. It would have been for her and Vanna to raise.

"Yes. I owed that to both of you. I stole that hope and dream and ruined it. I am an interloper, a machine, a NOBODY." Cameron sobbed.

Allison saw it as just the opposite.

"Cameron, you are the most caring, noble, unselfish and giving person I know." Allison said and meant it.

More guilt flooded over Cameron.

"You forgot to mention I am a ruthless, stone cold killer." Cameron said.

Allison heard enough of this.

"Not to those who love you." Allison said.

Allison could tell Cameron must be 'seeing' her interchangeably with Future Allison.

"Allison, if you or Vanna ever want to have a child, I want you to consider John as the father. I want to give him back what I took away. I want to give YOU back what I took away. The loss of you made Future John push everyone away including Future Savannah too. You both agreed that if he could not father a child with you that Future Savannah, who also loved him AND you would try. Those who could produce offspring were rare in my future. It would have been the three of you and whatever children you could have. I want both of you to be with him now instead of me."

Cameron was supposed to advance John's growth personally, not stifle it or hinder it.

Allison wanted Cameron to get some control over herself. It seemed very much like she was on a self destructive path right now.

"Cameron, stop doing this to yourself. That was a different future. You are killing yourself." Allison said. "You are tearing your mind apart with guilt and remorse."

Cameron looked Allison directly in her eyes.

"Sometimes when I think about it, I want to - go." Cameron said.

"Go? Go where?" Allison asked confused.

"GO…." Cameron repeated.

Allison now understood the implication. She wanted to get things clear.

"Do you mean die?" Allison asked worried.

"YES!" Cameron said.

That statement made Allison think about some of the damage Cameron returned with. Was she really attempting to be terminated?

"You are sacrificing your heart and mind over this and the way you return sometimes your body as well." Allison said. "Vanna and I will look after each other and John as well as you. You are literally killing yourself doing this to yourself. You need to stop. Please stop for me."

"I must atone for my 'sins'." Cameron said.

"You are not responsible for any of this." Allison said.

"I am, Allison. I am. I think I... I... I killed you." Cameron said.

The crying intensified.

"I KILLED YOU!" Cameron shouted.

Sadness

When one can not be happy
It does not mean one can not be sad
If someone could not feel emotion
They should feel relieved and glad

It seems that not much in life
Works out as it was planned
One can struggle to break free
Yet end up mired in life's quicksand

It is a time when one should seek
Comfort in loved ones and friends
They may be able to make amends
For the pain and agony that never ends

How can it be so overpowering
Leaving one to feel alone and small
Shoving one in the dirt to wallow and crawl
It prevents one from standing tall

As heartache and grief compound
It drives one to the point of madness
Anguish grips one from inside like a vice
As they are overwhelmed by sadness

Nobody