Chapter 37

Transgression

John stayed up with Cameron all night. Much of the time was passed in silence. John almost drifted off a few times. Allison and Vanna each visited during the night to check on him and Cameron. They both offered to take over and be with Cameron so he could get some sleep. He wanted to tough it out and spend the time with Cameron.

"When you wake up in the morning it is fine with me if you take over then." John said.

Allison looked at John. She could see he was tired.

"I'll be back." Allison said.

Allison returned to her room. Vanna was there with her. They both tossed and turned in bed. The atmosphere of what occurred earlier was not conducive to sleep. The statement that Cameron 'killed her' did not feel very good either. She could never picture the Cameron she knew would ever harm her let alone 'kill' her. It was very unsettling.

She drifted in and out of an very uneasy sleep. She saw that Vanna finally fell asleep. She got up and went to Vanna's desk in the lab. She took out the poems Cameron provided for Vanna to read. Vanna told her of them and how they made her feel. She told her how she could feel what Cameron felt as she read them. Allison wanted to fully understand everything she could about Cameron. She read some before. Maybe it was to time to read them now and understand what it was they actually said. Vanna told her it was more than the sum of the words.

Allison looked at the clock. It was almost morning. She would read the poems for awhile and then go relieve John. She picked up the first one. It was titled 'Outsider' and read it. She read both versions of it. She just sat there for a few minutes and thought about it. She knew from the very first poem that Cameron felt the way she'd felt for a very long time. She read on as her heart and mind were 'stabbed' by Cameron's very thoughts and feelings. She wept at the pain Cameron endured. She even understood the references to what humans know as death. She'd experienced many of these same feelings herself. She thought that is why they stung even more as she shared Cameron's anguish and torment.

Allison set down the stack of poems and wiped her tears away. She went to relieve John.

Allison walked in the room and nodded at John. He nodded back.

John could see Allison looked like she'd been crying before she arrived. He could tell she was really tore up about Cameron. He did not know she'd been reading and just 'experienced' Cameron's very thoughts and feelings. John did not even know about the poems. Cameron said before that he was not ready to see them yet.

Allison finally managed to speak.

"Go get some grub and then some sleep, John." Allison said. "I want to be with Cameron for awhile."

John nodded at Allison. He turned his attention back to Cameron.

"I'll see you soon, precious." John said as he got up to leave.

He continued to look at Cameron.

"Bye, John." Cameron said.

Their hands separated in slow motion.

John finally left the room.

Allison touched Cameron's cheek and smiled at her.

"Hello, Cameron, do you feel any better today?" Allison asked.

Cameron managed a faint smile.

"Yes I do. Thank you for last night about EVERYTHING." Cameron said.

Allison looked around and checked the time.

"Vanna should be by soon." Allison said.

The look on Cameron's face seemed very apprehensive.

"I've thought of another grave 'evil' that I have committed against both Vanna and you." Cameron said.

Allison swallowed hard.

'Here we go again.' Allison thought.

"Do you want to wait until Vanna gets here and tell us together?" Allison asked.

Cameron looked down at the ground.

"I don't know." Cameron said.

Allison tried to redirect the conversation for now.

"Let's cross that bridge when we get to it then." Allison said. "Cameron, I read your poems last night. I understand how you feel. I have experienced every one of those same feelings."

Cameron looked up from the ground.

"Even self termination?" Cameron asked.

Allison looked her square in the eyes.

"Yes. I have felt that way many times" Allison said. "I think most people have at some point. Things load up in our mind and we look for an 'escape'. Sometimes it seems like there is no way out except death. Death seems like freedom."

Cameron could tell Allison was being open and honest, even without the need to scan her.

"Vanna told me that too." Cameron said. "She thought of self termination many times in her future."

Vanna walked in the room. She looked at Cameron then at Allison.

"Hello, Cameron. Hey, sweet cheeks." Vanna said with a giant smile on her face.

Cameron managed a little bigger smile this time.

"Hello, Vanna." Cameron said.

Vanna looked at Allison

"Did you sleep much last night?" Vanna asked.

Allison shrugged her shoulders.

"A little I think." Allison said. "I read Cameron's poems."

"Did you find the tissues?" Vanna asked.

"I found them." Allison replied.

Cameron looked at both of the girls.

"Allison, Vanna, there is one more transgression that I have committed against both of you. It is something that hurt both of you deeply. I did it as part of John Henry-Cameron. I learned of it when my 'program clones' integrated back into 'one Cameron'. I did not know of it before then."

Vanna and Allison had glum looks on their faces. They were afraid Cameron might relapse.

Everyone sat in silence. No one was sure they were ready for more bad news.

"I am the one responsible for Vanna being sent back without you Allison." Cameron said. "I am the one responsible for tearing you two apart. I was the one who caused that misery for both of you."

Vanna and Allison both looked sad as they were reminded of their separation and the unknown future for each of them.

"Part of John Henry's mission was to return Savannah back to this time to become Vanna. Mrs. Weaver wanted that for our younger Savannah." Cameron said. "When he learned you had a partner, he was going to return Allison too even though this was outside his mission. This was because of information I allowed him access to about Future Allison's probably termination in my future by my hand. He understood it tormented me to no end. He was aware I thought of Future Allison as my 'mother' even if Skynet was my 'father'."

"I became the 'background program' as I joined with him for this mission. The mission was to obtain the advantage to smash the machines once and for all and to defeat Skynet. I knew a copy of my program was left in his computer system. That copy was the continuation of me in this present timeline. That was the version of me that Vanna first knew. That was when I made my first friend. It was MY first true friend. I did not know the other 'Cameron' in John Henry did this in the other future. I am sorry, Vanna."

Vanna thought about if for a few seconds.

"Who was in control, you or John Henry?" Vanna asked.

"John Henry was supposed to be. I was able to break through his firewalls and communicate and share with him. He was able to 'see' me and MY Allison - Future Allison. He could see everything in my mind and I in his." Cameron said. "We always asked permission to explore within each other."

Allison would like to share with Vanna and Cameron like that if it were possible.

"It sounds beautiful in a way." Allison said. "Two can be as one."

"It was but it can also be painful. It was my mind that contained the pain and guilt. I showed John Henry the evil in me, death and misery." Cameron said.

Vanna knew Cameron operated under directives in her programming.

"You needed to follow your programming." Vanna said. "You were 'forced' to do things that others wanted you to do."

Cameron frowned.

"Either way I still did it. I must pay for my sins." Cameron said. "I need to atone for my transgression. When I learned an Allison Young was in that timeline and alive I was very happy. I wanted to make sure she survived this time. That is why John Henry was going outside his mission to return her with you, Vanna."

Vanna and Allison exchanged glances. It sounded like it should have been a slam dunk.

"What stopped him?" Vanna asked.

Cameron looked at the ground again.

"I did." Cameron said sadly.

At that point Cameron looked as if she was about to melt down again.

Allison moved forward and took Cameron's hand.

"Cameron, look at me." Allison said.

Cameron lifted her head.

"I am here now and so is Vanna. We are both here and everything is fine between us and you and John." Allison said. "There are no problems. There is nothing to worry about. Everything is fixed."

"Cameron, we forgive you for whatever you did." Vanna said. "It is resolved now; maybe just leave it at that. You know Allison and I both love you."

Vanna wanted to say she 'love loved' Cameron. She looked at Allison and didn't say it.

Cameron looked terrible. Her guilt and remorse was 'eating' at her again.

Allison wanted to know the reason why she did not return with Vanna. That was a year in Hell for her.

"What did you do at that time?" Allison asked. "Why was I left behind?"

Vanna shot Allison and angry glance for asking that question, especially at this point.

"I did it for John." Cameron said. "There was a high probability that Sarah would burn my body now that I was inoperable and my chip was gone. In essence I was 'dead' on several levels. I also knew that there was a small chance, a very small chance that John would try to follow John Henry to get my chip back. If he arrived in your timeline he would be alone. I would not be there as 'me' if he ever found me. He would need someone in your future to love. He would need someone to be there for him. I wanted it to be you, Allison. I wanted to 'give you back' to him. I am so selfish. I am sorry, Allison."

Allison swallowed hard as Vanna took her other hand.

"I communicated this dilemma to John Henry." Cameron said. "We agreed that when he went back, Allison would go with him no matter what. I also agreed to take her back myself if I was given a new chassis when I went back. That was if he hadn't or was unable to do so."

Cameron felt very ashamed of her transgressions.

"I gambled with your life a second time, Allison." Cameron said. "I put you in unnecessary danger. You were almost attacked several times. That too would have been my fault. I did not even know if John would be in your timeline. I didn't know that Mrs. Weaver would look out for you and protect you later on. I risked your life for my own selfish reasons. I separated you from the person you love. I HURT both of you. How could I do that? You are my friends. I love both of you. What am I?"

Allison and Vanna moved forward to hug Cameron and reassure her.

"Cameron, everything is OK now." Allison said. "I forgive you for anything you have done wrong or think you did wrong. We all make sacrifices for John Connor. It seems you are making the most."

"Cameron, please no longer think of these things you told us yesterday and today." Vanna said. "This is where we are now in time. We are all alive and together. I still love you no matter what. Life moves forward, not backwards."

Allison wanted to try some reasoning with Cameron.

"Cameron, if you hadn't communicated with John Henry at all, would he have sent me back with Vanna in the first place?" Allison asked.

Cameron didn't even need to think about it.

"No." Cameron said.

"Would John Henry have taken me back with him if he did not know I was important to you?" Allison asked.

"No." Cameron said.

Allison smiled and touched Vanna.

"I am here now with Vanna and you." Allison said. "I am alive and healthy."

Vanna smiled at Allison and Cameron.

"Yes." Cameron said.

Cameron looked less distressed and smiled a little.

"I want both of you to try to spend more time with John." Cameron said.

Allison and Vanna looked at each other. Both of them felt Cameron was going to do something 'bad'.

"I need to atone for my sins. I need to answer for my transgressions." Cameron said. "I am going to fix all of this or perish trying."

Allison and Vanna were both worried. Cameron was lighting a fuse, her fuse.

"How?" Allison asked. "What is done is done."

"Is it? Is it really? Is it ever?" Cameron asked.

It was evident that Cameron was going to make some kind of bold move. The real question was, what was it going to be? How was this going to end?

Transgression

Life has many things to offer
Some of them may become an obsession
Failing to achieve that obscure goal
Can lead to extreme unending depression

Blinded by greed or lust
One can be treated as a possession
That is not the way to show
A loving heart's true expression

When real love is not returned
It leaves a heart in deep recession
This is usually the precursor
To one party seeking secession

That painful act of separation
May lead to uncontrollable aggression
Things may forever happen
That end up an unfixable transgression

It is best to think it through
To offer compromise and concession
Nobody wants to exist in a world
Where the tie that binds is oppression

Nobody