Spoilers: themes from 'Shadow'

Warning: Masturbation: girl!dean discovers herself and a few other things; and the angst begins...

Chapter 5a here:

Dean glanced at her now oversized watch. 'Why did her wrists have to be so damn small'? She kept asking herself. The time read 6:30 pm. She and Sam had stayed longer than they expected at the Foster vineyard today. The family coerced them into enjoying the day with them and the kids. Although Dean would not admit it out loud, it felt good to do nothing but relax in the Northern California sun. Dean slammed the trunk closed after loading their things. She had already said goodbye to Audrey and the kids, she was now waiting for Sam. She saw her brother over by the trailers talking to Steven. He was handing a paper to Sam, who seemed to be shaking his head and then reluctantly took the object. The two shook hands and Sam began walking back to the car. Dean waved at Steven and got into the driver's seat. Soon, Sam joined her and Dean put the car into drive.

After a few minutes of driving, Sam broke the silence. "So, we start researching your 'problem' when we get back to LA. Right?"

"You better believe it." Dean answered. "The sooner I can get my boy parts back the better."

Sam smirked as he looked at his brother. "I don't know, Dean, you seemed pretty comfortable playing dolls with Morgan." He chuckled.

"Shut the hell up, man!" Dean's face flushed in embarrassment. "What what I supposed to do? I'm a sucker for a whining chick with big, beautiful eyes."

"You loved it. Admit it." Sam egged her on.

"I swear, I can still kick your ass."

"I'd like to see you try." Sam retorted.

Dean mumbled "Whatever." She decided to change the subject. "By the way, What did Steven give you?"

Sam took a deep breath and when he turned to Dean, he was grinning. "You won't believe me if I tell you." The younger Winchester answered in a giddy tone.

"What's the matter with you?" Dean asked, a little suspicious of his behavior. "Did you get too much sun today?"

"No." Sam rolled his eye. "Get this. He paid us."

"What?" Dean nearly choked out. "Are you shittin' me?" They both nearly giggled as Sam nodded his head. "How much?"

"Again, you won't believe me."

"Dude, how much?" Dean reached over to try to grab the envelope.

"Watch the road, Dean! Okay, okay, I'll tell you." He paused and Dean's now beautifully manicured eyebrow raised as she awaited an answer. "Ten thousand dollars."

"WHAT?" Dean slammed the brakes as she turned the car onto the shoulder. "Ten grand?" She grabbed the envelope and thumbed through the money.

"I know. I told him he didn't need to pay us at all." He ducked when Dean swatted his head. In her now female form, fortunately, it didn't hold the sting it usually did.

"You're such a fucking boy scout, Sam. Of course, he can pay us if he wants...but TEN GRAND?" She sat back in shock.

"He figured that the life we lead doesn't pay well and that getting rid of the ghost saved his family and his future business. He said what we did for them was priceless and this was the least he could do." Sam shrugged his broad shoulders.

"Well, hot damn, Sammy." Dean smiled widely. "What do you think we should do?"

Sam thought for a moment. "I don't want to blow all the money or anything. But, do you think we could stay somewhere a little nicer tonight?" He had a puppy dog look in his eyes that Dean could never resist.

"Sure. Like a place with a working shower and hot water?"

"Yeah..." Sam added wistfully as he seemed to daydream for a moment. "Oh... and clean sheets!"

"Anything for you, little brother. Anything for you." She said as she put the car back in drive and continued on the road.

Sam and Dean settled for a 'Comfort Inn', four hours outside of LA. As they entered the room, they both smiled. They might as well have been at the 'Ritz', as far as they were concerned. The room was bright and airy, all the lights worked, and they had two spacious double beds with clean sheets. It was heaven.

"I call first dibs on the shower." Sam said as he grabbed his bath kit from his bag.

"Go ahead." Dean answered as she brushed a blond lock out of her face. "I'm going to see what's on the tube."

Sam disappeared into the bathroom as Dean propped her back against the headboard of the bed. With the remote in her hand, she clicked the TV on. She sighed in contentment as she channel surfed. "Boring...boring..." she mumbled to herself as she found nothing of interest. "Oh...now's that's good...Skinamax!" Dean smirked as she finally found something worth watching. She watched for a few moments as the couple onscreen were moaning. She found herself becoming aroused as they continued. With all the events of the last few days, Dean realized something. She hadn't come in awhile. Usually, Dean tried to masturbate or find some hot chick on the road every couple of days to satisfy his needs. As she looked on the screen, she couldn't decide who was more enticing: the woman or the man. That thought frightened Dean a bit. The confusion was baffling, but nonetheless, Dean was horny. She looked at the bathroom out of the corner of her eye. 'It wouldn't hurt just to try it.' Dean thought. 'Might give me information to use later.' She smiled. "Right. It's just research." She said to no one as she unbuttoned her jeans. Again, she glanced at the bathroom to make sure Sam wasn't coming out too soon. She slid her hands in her jeans and touched herself. She shivered as her cold hand caressed her clitoris. "Uh..." Dean moaned as closed her eyes briefly. The feeling was incredible. She opened her eyes to focus on the screen. The woman was riding the man hard. "Yeah..." Dean bit down on her lip as she tried to stifle her groan as she continued to rub at her core. Slowly, she worked herself and she felt like she was near climax. She suddenly heard the water turn off and began to panic. She was so close and didn't want to stop. But, Sam was likely stepping out of the shower now. She imagined Sam's hard body with water cascading down his muscles. "Oh...God!" she gasped as she came hard, her body shivering in delight She lay back panting for a moment, before her head cleared. "OH, GOD!" She said as she sat up quickly, horrified at the image that came into her head as she came. "What?" Dean looked around the room. "That didn't just happen." She kept saying to herself as she buttoned her jeans. Dean did what Dean did best: repress. The implications of what just happened were too enormous to even try to understand right now. She grabbed a water bottle and cleaned her hands over the wastebasket. She took the remote and quickly turned the channel to whatever she could find. She was smoothing her hair frantically with her hand as Sam stepped out from the bathroom. He had one towel wrapped below his well defined hips; the other towel he used to dry his locks.

"That shower felt so good, man!" Sam exclaimed as he finished drying his hair. "It has one of those massage heads and everything. You should try it out, Dean." He continued, but then realized that Dean hadn't answered. "You okay?" He realized that she was not looking at him. She was quite focused on the TV. Sam walked over and grabbed the remote. "Since when are you interested in PBS?"

Dean snatched it back. "Sometimes, I like it." Dean wasn't a good liar.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine." Dean started channel surfing again and finally settled on a rerun of 'Seinfeld'.

"You really should try out the shower. You'll feel half human after it." Sam smiled as he turned his back to Dean. He quickly slipped into some boxer's and a t-shirt and lay down on his bed. He groaned in delight at the feel of the soft bed under him. "Today was a good day."

"Yeah?" Dean answered half-listening.

"It's been a long time since I had a relaxing day like that."

"Huh." She responded.

Sam sat up against the backboard. "Did you know that Steven is a Stanford alum?" At hearing the word, Stanford, Dean turned the TV off and glanced at her brother. She felt tension seeping into her body. But, she said nothing.

"He went to undergrad and got his MBA and law degree there."

"Great." She forced out.

Sam seemed so excited. "He said if I ever need anyone to pull strings to get me back in, I should contact him." He smiled. "Isn't that cool?"

Dean's mouth went dry. "Yeah." She managed to say as she looked down.

Sam crossed his arms behind his head, sighed, and yawned. He mumbled. "God...I 'd give anything to feel normal again..." He trailed off as he closed his eyes for a moment.

Dean's teeth clenched as she stood hastily. "Well, don't let me stop you, Sam!" She yelled.

"What?" Sam sat up fully as he looked into the angry hazel eyes of Dean.

"You blame me. Don't you?"

"Wait. For what?" Sam was confused.

"For taking you away from your cookie cutter existence!" She paced the room. "I bet you blame me for Jess too. Maybe if I hadn't shown up..."

"Dean, I told you before. I don't blame you for her death. Shit, I'm partly responsible." Sam eyes were concerned as he looked at her.

"Look, maybe I thought I needed your help before to find Dad." She said as she looked out the window. "I was wrong. I can do this on my own." She said with cold eyes as she turned around and faced her brother. Her heart ached as she saw hurt in Sam's eyes. "You'll never have your normal life if you're on the road with me." She paused. "So, go back to Stanford or whatever...I don't give a shit!"

Sam walked up to her and grabbed her arm gently. "I'm in this to the end, Dean. You and me. We're going to find Dad and the demon that destroyed our family. I have to find Jess' killer."

"And then what?" Dean was almost afraid to ask.

Sam stayed silent for a time. He shrugged his shoulders. "I-I don't know. But whatever happens, I want a normal life. I want us both to, Dean."

"You're so naïve, Sammy." Dean practically whispered. She felt tears stinging his eyes. She suddenly felt claustrophobic in the room. She walked over to the table and grabbed the keys and went towards the door.

"Dean, where are you going?"

She could barely look at him. "I'm hungry...I'll grab us some food." She stepped through the door.

"Let me go with you." He answered.

She placed her hand up. "Sam, I just need some fresh air. Okay?" She looked down for a moment. "There's a place a few miles away. I'll get us something and I'll be back."

"Dean..." Sammy pleaded as she quickly sprinted to the car and took off. "Damn it." He hung his head.

TBC...